Ok, ladies, be entertained by my latest research project for my new life: personal matchmakers. Here is what I have learned:
There are international, national and local private companies that do this. Prices vary dramatically and so do services. The best of these have the characteristics of a great girlfriend, "I met the perfect guy for you. You HAVE to meet him". She knows you and she knows him and even if you don't fall in love, you will like each other. This is supposed to be a far cry from online dating. The "bad" services are no better than online dating, they just cost a lot more.
I have thought about what I want in my immediate post-divorce life. One friend bought herself the full-length mink coat her husband refused to buy her when they were married; she used her settlement money to do this; scary to me, but its what she wanted. I have a small inheritance from my mother and dad and I was saving it, but I am thinking that my mom would tell me that this is the time to take care of myself and use it, so I might. And this is what I want.
It was my last date. Enough already. I had been on match.com for roughly a year and was feeling a bit drained from it all, rather the way you feel at the end of a great party. When you arrive, you are the bell of the ball, with your new MAC Naked Lunch shadow smeared all over your eyes, and the new Chanel Brandywine lipstick covering your carefully outlined lips. By the end of the night, your new Steve Madden stilettos are killing you, your hair is making your eyes itch and your foundation has settled into each little nook and cranny on your face and even discovered a few more. Home please.
Not that I'm complaining. I had met some very nice men, dated a few more than once, and had some rather odd experiences, which you will have to wait for the book to find out about, as my kids read this. I also had been stood up several times, stuck with more than one dinner bill and cringed at the thought that my ex and Giselle would walk in to a restaurant and see me dining with a 65 year old man the size of a four year old.
I’m dating a man I am crazy about who not only knocks my socks off but knocks them into next Tuesday. And he does so every time he steps up to bat.
Not only does this guy know his way around the neighborhood, if you know what I mean, but he’s attentive in other ways as well and intelligent to boot. He listens when I talk. I mean, he really listens. (I’d bet money he could pass the pop-quiz I’m tempted to give at the end of every date: What’s my favorite movie? My favorite color? My favorite way to spend a rainy afternoon?). And as if that isn’t enough, he always pays for dinner, opens my car door first and compliments me in tender ways at unexpected times.
The question, "How Important Do You Think Intimacy Is To A Marriage” was recently asked on the boards, and the responses were sincere, honest, and inspiring.
So, we'd thought we share some of the responses with the larger community (edited and anonymously of course).
Think Fifty Shades of Grey's Anastasia Steele is an innocent? "Laters baby," as Christian Grey would say. Since her character is a child of divorce, her innocence would have been stripped long before meeting the bondage loving billionaire. Yet the pain of her mother's divorces taught her skills that helped secure and hold modern literature's most coveted guy. Yes, pleasure can come from pain.
One of the rarely discussed benefits from divorce is how kids may become more elastic in accepting and defining love. Since 1974, 1 million children a year start shuffling between parents. They learn to adapt to different household chores, food choices, curfews and that buzzword that resonates with Christian Grey: rules. This experience, so often painted in negative tones, can have positive outcomes, giving kids the tools to navigate unfamiliar territory and not be as handcuffed -- pardon the pun -- by convention.
This is why my inner goddess is clapping in delight that author E.L. James activated our sleeping libidos, sparked the desire for email flirting and created compelling characters whose family loyalties are not linked by blood.
I found out recently that some friends of mine are breaking up. The woman had an affair — twice.
The first time she cheated on her husband, he accepted her apologies and forgave the breach of promise. The second time was the deal-breaker, and they're in the midst of dividing their belongings and making custody arrangements for their child.
I read once that women are forgiving of an affair. They don't like that it happened, but it seems that women tend to understand the reasons and prefer to hang on to their partner. Men, I read, found an affair a virtual insult and they cast off their spouse more easily.
I could forgive an affair. I'd be hurt and most likely be untrusting for a long, long time. But I could also move past it — I think. I haven't lived that situation and it's hard to say what my reaction might be.
Twice, though? No. If I had a husband and he cheated, I would need to know that the mistake wouldn't happen twice.
The rebound relationship is a time-honored institution that has continued to survive for a reason. It’s a rite-of-passage, an antidote for low self esteem, and whether it’s infatuation or the beginning of a beautiful friendship, rebounding is a tonic for the lame-of–heart who fought the good fight and lived to tell the tale.
Like nothing else I can think of, the act of rebounding drives home the fact that there is such an animal as love after divorce. Whether you wait four years to run headlong into a new pair of arms, or stumble out there after only four days, the parameters of the rebound relationship are still the same. It’s really good for you. And the mere act of kissing someone who isn’t your ex-husband can make you feel almost virginal again. I say "almost" because this is physically impossible (without extensive plastic surgery) but it absolutely feels that way on an emotional level.
