Your Happiness is Your Responsibility

You clearly state the obvious: 'Leaving for another woman doesn't show integrity, it shows cowardice and an unwillingness to take responsibility for his own happiness.' ; however, your article is unclear. Most of us DO take responsibility for our parts in our marriages, and realize that no relationship is perfect; however, when many of us (seemed to have) had a spouse who is a 'coward' as you've described, and instead of communicating their unhappiness, they chose to avoid and run away from the marriages and families they helped to build, (often) right into the arms of another before they're even divorced? So how do you recommend we (as the left behind wives/spouses) make ourselves 'happy' when our entire world has fallen apart after being lied to, betrayed, and deceived by the one person we trusted the most in the world? Who promised to always be there, through good times and bad?? I agree with a lot of the comments here, this article missed the mark completely. Perhaps if you wrote it from the perspective of 'now we can really SEE who they've become' and take steps to rebuild and find happiness after a lifetime with someone you THOUGHT you knew pretty well, but were completely surprised to learn you didn't - that might be a start.

Articles like this are horrifying to me. To say that two people are ALWAYS responsible for the breakup of a marriage is shortsighted. My ex admitted he was soley to blame for the breakup of our marriage. He had been having a secret relationship with another woman even before we were married, continued it throughout our marriage. He wanted children and a family which he could not have with this other woman so he dated and married me. I believe he did love me when we married, but he also loved this other woman, his self-proclaimed 'best friend.' Was there any way our relationship could have lasted when he continued the relationship with this other woman - was I to blame in any way for not being aware of this relationship (turns out he is a really good liar!), or for not being able to make my marriage work while he was, the entire time, also with his 'best friend.' I think not. I worked hard to try to figure out what was wrong in my marriage and fix it, turned out the only thing that could fix it was getting rid of the other woman - or getting divorced.

Ughhh! It is bad enough that these immature and selfish men try and manipilulate their wives into taking accountability for their unfaithfullness, abuse, drinking, drugs etc. but I HATE it when another woman does it! I What about the Wife who is unhappy in her Marriage due to the husbands "half" (ha!) of it? How is is that more often than not SHE manages to overcome whatever HE is doing to make the marriage unhappy and continues to try and be loving, work, cook, clean, nurture the kids, nurture him, have sex (while being treated like a second class citizen by her "Oh so entitled Husband"), read books on how to improve her marriage, go to counseling( alone,) because he won't go, asks for advice from her Mother, Friends, and internet, tries to be more patient, tries harder not to argue, WITHOUT- Cheating, Drinking, Staying Out, Abandoning, Drugs? I'll tell you how; BECAUSE of articles and attitudes like this; BECAUSE society as a whole puts most of the shame, humiliation, embarassment, and stigma ON THE WOMAN. The majority of the blame as to why the husband is leaving the marriage for other women or bad behaviors is on THE WOMAN. Making sure the children are okay and coping- ON THE WOMAN. Even the responsibility for initiating fixing the marriage, more often than not is ON THE WOMAN. So the men in society who are weak of character are never forced to take accountability for their actions and behaviors. They continue on with their belief in their entitlement and pass it on to their sons; generation after generation. With every generation the percentage of entitled men who see themselves as somehow more deserving of the respect, fidelity, commitment, empathy and even love, that they withhold from their wives increases. Men show their mistresses off and often brag about them to their male friends. They take them out in public- THEY are not ashamed- WE are! How backward is that? WE don't want any one to know- look how many times you were assured you that you would be "anonymous" when you became a member of this site. WE hide it. Some of us know our husband is at the bar or restaurant, or even worse HOTEL on his golf/fishing trip. Yet, WE are too embarassed to go there and confront these two adulterers. Why are we embarassed? Because if we did that- people would talk, some one would say that WE are "psycho". WHAT?? Some of us won't call the other woman's number or answer her call because WE are ashamed. WE feel like it is inappropriate, or that we might be called "psycho". WHAT??? This backwards attitude is wrong, wrong, wrong. Articles and attitudes like that of the woman above further this horrible imbalance. I REFUSE to be ashamed if my husband is acting immoral. As his WIFE- I am not "psycho" if I exercise my right to question him , her, or show up wherever. And I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE for my Husband's bad or immoral behavior when he is unhappy- HE IS. I am not responsible because my husband who is not giving 100% to his marriage is unhappy. HE is unhappy because of the RESULT that HE created by not giving 100% in his marriage, and not treating his wife as a cherished human being equal to him. I, his wife, am having a natural HUMAN reaction to his behavior when I do not respond to him as I once did . I am tired! I REFUSE to be made to feel guilty, and so should every woman out there who has given 100% for years to her marriage when her partner has not. Sadly more often than not, that is the case. The above author has clearly either been very fortunate in her marriage, or has not had her vows tested as so many women have. Either way her narrow opinion continues to further a horrible social injustice and should be discounted for what it is.

I sincerely hope all the women that have read this do NOT believe a word of this!!! No woman should ever question their hand in the failure of their marriage. This article makes me so mad - how many wives had fought for so long to save their marriages?! It is so easy for the man to walk away without glancing back and the wives are left with the tears and broken images of love and marriage!! Your statement in paragraph one "look at our actions and what role our actions played in bringing about our problems" is ridiculous!! Wives, mothers and women sacrifice EVERYTHING for our family and husbands, the only role our actions played was to try and keep our marriage and family together. Does the author REALLY take time and read what women are posting on this website? Does any of their hurt and pain register with this author??!!! I really need to stop re-reading this article.