What to Do When Your Kids Hate The Step-Mom

Posted to Resource Articles by Brenda Rodstrom on Tue, 03/23/2010 - 9:18am

This question is asked by many people in step relationships, and the questioners sometimes have their own agenda. It can be quite human to, well, not be so unhappy if your kids hate the woman who was responsible for the demise of your marriage. But is hating the step mom healthy for the kids? The answer is a resounding NO.

Hate is a very strong emotion, and not one that you want your kids to walk around with. They will be spending time with their step-mom, and surely you don’t want them to hate this time. So, here are some ideas on how to deal with this.

First, it is really unlikely that their stepmother is a hateful person. This tells me that it isn’t the person they hate but the situation of being children of divorce and having to now share their father with someone else. With this in mind, I counsel moms to talk to their kids about the situation (divorce and remarriage) being the thing that they dislike — not a person. Help them to see this and you’ve taken a big step.

The absolute best way to foster a better relationship between your kids and their stepmother is to model it. While you don’t have to be friends, there are a lot of things you can do. Ask nicely about her after they have spent some time with her. Encourage them to see the good in her — not the bad. Suggest activities they can do with her. Let them see you interact well with her. This can be over the phone, at a “drop off”, a school event. By acting nicely to her, you are giving them permission to do the same.

If your kids do complain about her, listen to them. Everyone needs to be heard. You might say “You may not like her, but she is in your life, and it would be helpful if you could try to find some common ground.” Or, “You may not like her, but you do have to treat her with respect — just like I will treat your future husband or wife with respect.” This is another good time to emphasize that it might be the situation — not the person — that they dislike.

Sometimes mothers are afraid that their kids will like their step-mother too much. Your kids will always know who you are — their mother — and you will be the most important female relative in their lives!

Click the following to return a directory of articles and resource videos on Kids, Family and Divorce.

Comments

my verbally abusive step mother

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 10:11pm.

My experience with my step mother has been terrible. I am not a hateful person in any way and im always really nice and respectful to adults but i have absolutely no respect for her. I did at the beginning, but it slowly disappeared. My dad has been married to her for 13 years, and im only 17 right now and have to other siblings who are fully blood related and one half sister who is my step mothers. To begin with, my step mom always bad mouthed my mother, which i had pushed aside when i was younger and tried to ignore, but then she would bad mouth us, be extremely rude for no absolute reason, blame ANYTHING that goes wrong on my younger brother, who was her "victim" up until the point where he tried to commit suicide and was sent away for his own safety. When he left, she turned to my oldest sister, who is very headstrong, independent and doesnt take anyones BS, and is very controlling with her life(med school, worked 2 jobs throughout high school, bought her own first car) who immediately did not allow my step mother to effect her and would put her in her place. (ex: she would handle small conflicts like an adult and was very respectful to my step mother but the second an arguement got ridiculous or my step mom was just trying to be rude for no reason, she would immediately shut my step mom up) after my sister left for college it was just me left. My step mom started picking at my dad, after they announced they were divorcing, (which is sadly a long process and my dad travels a lot so they were waiting till i leave for college to make it final) but whenever my dad was out of town she would turn on me. Im very nice to my step mom and we were always kind of closer than my other siblings were to her, but its gotten so badly to the point where she just nit picks, and trash talks me when im out of the room, which takes a toll on a teenagers self esteem. She resorts to acting like she herself is in High school and tries to play the whole "mean popular girl" role, which fails because i dont put up with that and i can play it better. I have already lost all respect for her due to the things that had happened with my younger brother and her complete ignorance. i have 5 more months left before i graduate and move out and its getting harder to deal with and i dont know how to handle this situation anymore.

Wait a second....

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/01/2012 - 5:27pm.

I really appreciated reading the comments. As a soon to be stepmom for 2 boys, it horrifies me to read about the horrible experiences some step kids have. :( However, I needed to point out something in the article. NOT EVERY STEPMOTHER IS THE CAUSE FOR THE PARENTS DIVORCE. I seriously resent the idea/stereotype that second wives are sitting there plotting on how to steal married men away from their families. Being a single female living in a major city and enjoying the single life, dating a recently divorced man with kids (note that he was divorced long before I showed up) wasn't necessarily appealing to me. Thank goodness I did go on that first date because I opened my life (and heart) to a wonderful man and two sweet, loving boys. But to suggest I had anything to do with the demise of his marriage makes me ill. Check yourself, Brenda.

Live in GF of 8 years asualted 19 year old daughter

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 10/08/2012 - 3:11pm.

I am in a terrible situation my long time live in GF attacked my Daughter who is 19. The police arrested her and now I have conflicting thoughts. The GF was drunk she had not touched a drink for over 5 years due to self control issues previously. Now what to do I am deeply in love with her she is my soulmate but my 2 older girls dont want her back in the house. I love her Son like my own son we were a nice family up til this occurred. I am 48 years old and still have daughters living with me ages of 10, 16, 19 and a son who is in college. The other isue is my children's mom passed away in July of 2011 so the GF has been the mom to them all and up until this episode they all loved her deeply. I just could use some opinions my head is spinning and I am not thinking clearly.

STEPMOTHER NIGHTMARE

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 08/16/2012 - 9:08am.

I am an only son. My parents divorced when I was two. My father remarried when I was 16. Unfortunately, he handled the remarriage very badly. Long story short, I found out about the remarriage one year after it happened. Needless to say, I felt that the behavior of my father and stepmother showed absolutely no concern for my feelings or welfare. It was a total slap in the face. On top of it all, my new stepmother was 15 years younger than my father and a lazy, rude, verbally abusive alcoholic. The entire situation was a living nightmare for me. He remained married to her for 35 years and died at age 90. She is still alive at age 81 and inherited everything, an estate valued at about one million. It is not the money I am so much concerned with, since I inherited five million from my mother. It is the fact that in order to see my father for 35 years, I had to put up with his rude, verbally abusive, lazy alcoholic wife. Thank God after my father died I no longer have to have anything to do with his wife. I viewed her like a cancer in my life.

Hate my stepmom

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 08/16/2012 - 3:04am.

I know how you feel I'm kinda in the same situation ok. So first was my parents were together for like when i was 8 and then they got a divorced:(. After that things started to get worst my mom and dad kept fighting for who would have custody of us which is me and my 2 brothers and sister. So we decided to stay with my dad since that's like our house there. After that my mom felt sad but we all talked to her and worked things out. So after like 5 years my dad decided he wanted a girlfriend so he meet this woman named Iris at first she was cool and chill because we would talk over the cam. After she started to show her true colors and my dad went to go visit her at my country and especially he goes to church and she doesn't like church and my dad wanted to get married to her and the church told him "NO" what did he do he married her and didn't even let his kids know until he got back after he brought her to our house and now she's way different like she complains for everything. Acts like a little girl isn't wife material and my dad.is sick and she gets him more and me and my brother have been telling him to leave her she's not worth it and he doesn't listen to us he listens to her more and protects her too he gives her everything for free like a car. And to me he charges me for one and treats her more fair then to his kids an she even has the nerves to scream at me and my brother thinking shes our real mom when she's not and then she complains out house how she doesn't like certain things like for example the garbages we always put them by our garden and one time she moved them and i moved them back sand she had the nerves to scream at me and I didnt take crap from her I started screaming at her back. And she told my dad a lie saying I'm the that started when really when she the one and plus my brothers were witnesses so yeah and now she's making my life impossible and my dads too. I just want her out of the house and my dad to divorce her and get back with my mom like it shouldve been so there won't be anymore drama. Please Help what should I do any advice are welcome.

What if Stepmother is a HATEFUL PERSON?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/25/2012 - 10:50am.

About the part that the Stepmother is probably not a hateful person.. What if she is? My stepmother is a hateful person.. During our last fight she yelled at me and told me she was completely done with "dealing" with me.. And told me i should never come back!! This particular fight started because I was wheeling my suitcase out into the living room to pack it so i could fly back to my mothers house, and it was apparently scratching her new wood floors... I had already been crying from saying good byes to my grandparents and all she did was yell about the floors, not caring that I had been crying and was in an emotional state..

Father and Step-Mother denied grandkids visits

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 07/22/2012 - 1:20am.

I would appreciate some advice from those that have experienced what we're going through with my daughter who is 22. She's married with two step children of her own and had a baby a year ago. The problem is my daughters extreme dislike for my wife aka her step mother. This hatred began years ago when my wife did not keep an alliance of not telling me when she made some bad choices - a trust of sorts was broken by my wife. Since then my daughter does not want anything to do with her. About a year and a half ago, my wife and I had problems; she left me, cheated on me and returned. We have reconciled and doing well but the kids want nothing to do with my wife - at all. My daughter is manipulating how I will see my granddaughters and grandson and has outright stated that she will not bring them over to my house because of "that woman" living there in your house and "will never bring them over". It is up to me to go to their house if I want to see the grandkids and the stepmom is not welcomed in their house. This puts a strain on me of course because I love my daughter and wife but I refuse to be manipulated by my daughter to control how I (WE) see the grandkids. I've explained to my daughter that her behavior is not healthy for her or the kids. Some day the grandkids will question why they can't go to Grandpa's house and I asked her what is she going to tell them. My daughter will offer to pick me up only so I can spend time with the grandkids. I decline this but then my daughter tries to place guilt statements like: "its up to you to spend time with your grandkids..." "but I stand firm on my decision not to socialize with your wife and have my kids either". Any suggestions, I have tried to be empathetic, understanding and supportive about the dynamics of the past but have told her that the past is the past and its time to move on. HELP....

father and stepmother

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 11/02/2012 - 9:57am.

Hi i hope things have improved for you since u posted? i am in the same situation as ur wife my husbands daughters are the same never come here to visit allways wanted him to go visit them while i was left waiting in the car,i have never had so much as my name on a xmas card from them eldest like yours is very manipulated aged 23 now and became a mother herself in feb this yr and the whole crap has started all over again,if he wants to c the grandchild he has to go up to visit and wen my husband says hes not able anymore for trains and buses she like yours says well its up to u if u want to c your only grandchild,the grandchild was baptised in aug ,i didnt go as ive never been asked to anything wen it came to them,my husband went for a while and that night i started getting abusive texts off eldest daughter saying id ruined her sons christening and hopes i was happy,i let it go as i knew there would have been a lot of alcohol consumes that day,but 2 days later texts started again except calling me vicious names i wasent going to let it go this time so i phoned her and told her exactly what i thought of her and how she had treated me for yrs wen i had done nothing wrong to her (her dad and mam were seperated 7 yrs wen i met her dad) anyway i had it out with her and i brough up the supject of the grandchild and how come she never brings him to c me,more abuse so i said to her look if u want to come here and sort this out once and for all i would sit down and talk to her but i wasent going to be blamed on things i didnt do and she needs to blame closer to home told her to ring me bk if she wanted to meet,but the call never came, my husband made it up with daughters a coulpe of days after that and things have got worse for me eldest is constantly on phone 5 times a day seeing if hes coming up to c her and grandchild i cant take much more to be honest,but i guess wat im saying to u is your not the only one,ive told my husband i dont want there names mentioned in my home ive had enough of them and him sorry for long story i just needed to talk to someone in the same situation as you and ur wife

It's interesting the focus of

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 07/06/2012 - 7:29am.

It's interesting the focus of this article is for all to get along for the sake of the kids (blah blah blah) but in real life this well meaning advice does not apply.

Kids as Number One Concern is Incorrect

Submitted by A Contradiction (not verified) on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 10:39pm.

The number one concern for a healthy parent is first their own needs and then their child. As well as being a step mother I am also a foster parent. You cannot see to a dependent's needs effectively until first you have seen to your own. The relationship between parents/partners should be the number one priority with respect to compassion to the child's needs. It is healthier in the long run for the child to see a solid relationship develop. Of course this is easy to say, not so easy to do. Approach the conversation from the perspective of yes things are different and you [the child] may not like them but let's look at the good things and work on that [unless there are issues of abuse or neglect]. Research supports that children are better adjusted when they have healthy working examples to learn from and the ex and his partner, if they have a healthy solid relationship will provide an example of a good model for adult behavior, the same as YOUR current healthy relationship and coping skills are displayed for your child will also help in their development. Yes, children are a vital miracle to our lives and should be cared for, but the best quality of care comes from healthy productive adults. I would argue the first priority is not to pander to a child at all. Give them respect, empathy, and understanding but do not become a yes mom/dad. Be kind but firm when discussing openly the realities of life. They will grow up more secure and stable for it with better coping skills.

Step-Parenting

Submitted by Randy (not verified) on Thu, 05/17/2012 - 1:04pm.

If you are a parent to a biological daughter and re-marry to someone who has a daughter around the same age look out for the deep dark black hole. It will swallow you. Your kids are your number one concern and should always be put first as they are your blood and will always be your children. Relationships can come and go, but your children are always the priority, especially your main priority before your new spouse. Your spouse feels the same way about their daughter so the battle begins. Say the daughters are a year apart, and one has the so called right of passage being the oldest, rightfully so.... Well the other parent who has a daughter that is her own flesh and blood and who is a year younger than the step daughter seems to get whatever the older daughter gets, even if it is agreed to prior. Example: Dating...it was agreed that the girls would be allowed to date until they were 15. The dating consisted of being dropped off at the movies and picked up when the movie was done. The dating would allow a boy to come over but not go and be alone with the daughter. Well the daughter waits and turns 15, does her time and is ready to date. The first day the other younger daughter finds out, then all of a sudden it is decided that the year younger daughter gets date as well. This is one example how the parent could come to be the evil step parent. Even if the parent of the older daughter argues the point of the whole decision of making the daughters wait until they were 15 should be upheld the parent is quickly told that they are being over ruled and some excuse is made that makes everything okay. The excuse being; If I don't let her date now when she is only 14 then she will just do it when she is with the other parent, and I don't want to lose my daughter...bla bla bla....the fact is when a rule is decided on jointly it should remain, unless there is a good reason to change it, and even then it should be discussed with all parties. From that point on...the step parent or parent with with the oldest daughter who was made to wait to date until she was 15 now has resentment against the parent with the younger daughter who was manipulative enough to convince her parent that she should be allowed to date at 14 becuase it not fair that the oldest daughter always gets to do things first....etc. Bottom line is that you have to be real with yourself and with your biological daughter. Even if it means that you are not standing by your new mate, but in fact your are trying to point out the reasons why the daughter has an issue with the step parent in the first place. The dating was a good example, but it can be as simple as a remark. A good example: One parent says to the other parent; "Why don't you just go see your daughter and be with her in the area where she lives, because it might be to late and unhealthy for her to come stay with us after her soccer game", keep in mind the daughter alwasy wants to come and visit her parent on her parents custody time and loves to be in her own room over there. These little remarks shed light on an attempt to keep the step daughter away from being in the home where the step parent lives. I think if the bilogical parent made these suggestions to the daughter then fine, if thats what they feel is best for the daughter, but for a step parent suggest keeping the daughter away, when it would only be about 8:30pm when they got home is a bit foolish. So what can we learn about blending families with daughters that are so close in age is that there has to still be the seniority rule, and that the step parent has to take time and really try to gain respect of the child so much so that when it is time to parent that the child knows that the step parent is a real person and cares about them enough to respect thier wishes when asked to do something or behave. It not about the Step Parent being mean, or disrespected, nor is it about the other parent standing by the step parents decissions when they know the decissions are wrong. It is about looking out after your biological child and listening to them and respecting them. It is also about the child respecting you as long as you are making good sound decisions. The Step Parent in most cases gets a bad wrap because they don't understand that they can't come in and start taking over things and demanding respect. Unfortunantely they have to earn it, but once earned it is the best feeling ever. The reward is a fruitful relationship with their step kids and new spouse. Thanks, Randy

If this is your viewpoint,

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 05/21/2012 - 10:18am.

If this is your viewpoint, you may be one of those parents who should wait until this kids are grown to have a relationship. The person you bring in doesn't deserve to be sidelined.

Stepmom and Mom to 6 Grown Kids

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 04/18/2012 - 1:06pm.

My husband and I have been married for almost ten years. We met 27 years ago, started out as friends, realized we had fallen in love with each other, but the timing was off and we had too many kids with too many issues. So we walked away. Both of us had disastrous remarriages and were divorced. But we never really got over each other. I equated it then to having lost someone through death. I didn't hold out hope that we could be together and we lost touch with each other. When he looked me up about eleven years ago we were both single. He called me because his son had committed a very serious crime and had been sentenced to 12 years. His son was one of the elements of our decision to not be together, because you could see way back then that this kid was troubled and my husband predicted "if he doesn't change and get some help he will be a criminal". He did get help - a lot of it, but some people just are not 'right'. When we first met we were both still married to our kids' other parents, but without going into deep detail, those marriages were all over but the shouting. (My husband had serially cheated on me and had told me he didn't love me anymore and I could leave or he would). Ironically, my ex was the one who went crazy when he found out (again a very long story and something he heard from a 'friend' of mine whom I had confided in who was fooling around with him!) that there was someone else for me. Up to that point, there had never been any other man in my life but him and I think he thought he owned me. I equated it to a piece of trash you put out on the curb and then have a fit when you look out your window and see someone else loading it into their trunk). Anyway, because of the explosion that subsequently happened - my then husband called his then wife - we thought we had made such a mess of things that the only thing to do was to walk away. However, 17 years later when he looked me up, his ex and mine were all about telling our kids that we certainly must have been having an affair this entire time! Believe me, our lives had been so miserable in between we would have just chucked it all and been together had that been the case! When we decided to get married we also decided that our marriage was going to come first. No ifs, ands, buts. Our kids were grown. All but the one in prison had gone to college or were in college and we had sacrificed a LOT to take care of them first. We made a pact that no matter what got thrown at us we would put each other above all else, knowing full well that marriages can be destroyed by exes and kids. We also married without a pre nup. We were 47 and 51 and brought different things to the table financially but for us we wanted to treat all of our kids equally. A lot of people would not agree, but we have insurance if something happened unexpectedly. Otherwise we know (and knew) we would stay married and if genetics have anything to do with it, we will be married a good 30- to 40 years before there is anything to split up. Some of our kids are fine with our marriage and some aren't. I miss those who have decided they would rather stay away from us, but I know how much we have given to them all of their lives and what opportunities they have had that we have afforded them. One of my daughters has created a bond with her dad who never took care of her, financially or otherwise. He did not pay child support and rarely saw any of the kids. He likes having a bond with her while promoting a rift with us. One of my three is very close to my husband and me. He and his lovely wife are loving and sweet people and appreciate my husband's efforts to be kind and loving to them. My husband and he are very close. One of my husband's kids also has remained fairly close to us, as are her husband and their three kids. She however has taken in her hoarding mother (my husband's ex, who has been a person with zero responsibility most of her life and now is ruining theirs by living in their home and draining them financially and emotionally). This particular daughter, I think, now harbors some resentment towards us, hinged I think on the idea that had we not met years ago, she wouldn't now be responsible for her mother. Her mother was left in very stable financial shape, has a masters degree and was a special ed teacher who just decided she hated doing the paperwork and got fired. She quit paying her house payments and got removed from her house which was so run down that it needed to be condemned. The daughter should have required her to show all of her financial cards before she let her into her home and laid down a time frame and ground rules then. But that didn't happen and now they don't know how to get her to move out. It's a mess. She is taking her frustrations out on my husband, her husband and probably anybody within striking distance. We want to help her, but we don't know how. However, I do not want my husband to be the brunt of her frustration. Also this year the one child of his who was sentenced to prison gets out. He wants us to "sponsor" him in our state, different from where he lives. He is impulsive and can get violent when he explodes so we are not going to do that. We have heard from the daughter (who previously told us that she would never allow him in her home because he would invite people there while they were out and it would be trashed) that my husband isn't taking responsibility for his own son by having him come to live with us and now she will probably have to have him there as well! I do not believe for an instant that she would do that, so this is just dumping on my husband and a low blow. Well, those things happen. Step family situations can really suck sometimes. For everybody. This is why ideally staying married to the RIGHT partner is definitely the best scenario! I can't see how anybody can debate that one. But it has to be the right one to begin with or it won't fly. I guess the second best scenario is marry the love of your life, the person you can't exist without, who you actually KNOW well, who shares your values, faith, and all that important stuff and then commit like hell to put each other first. The kids, friends, other family members, whoever might think you are being selfish. They might take pot shots at you. You might be shocked at the people who you thought would be happy for you finally are NOT. In the end, IF you have the right one, who cares. My husband is my best friend and I am his. We trust each other with every tiny aspect of our lives and no body is going to come between us. We love our kids, grandchildren, parents but we put our marriage first. Thank God we are on the same page or life would be hell. I would have never gotten married again if it had been anybody else. The point is not to just be with someone but THE one.

It's tough to tell who are the adults versus the children...

Submitted by Amy (not verified) on Sun, 04/08/2012 - 12:32pm.

These are great! It's just bio moms and steps bickering over who is worse. Just by reading half of these statements, you can guess who has dependent personality disorder. You can't make a blanket statement to the evil step-parent case. Bottom line, parents who put their personal relationships over their children's well-being better be prepared for their children to resent them... not to mention a therapy bill for the next 30 years. This includes both bio and steps. If a parent got divorced and then spent the next 6 months partying, reliving their teen years, or spending all of their time with a new romantic partner - expect some anger and hatred to be headed your way. Your kids are going through a difficult time and a situation that's completely out of their control and all you're worried about is yourself. That's not a person I'd want for a potential partner but don't worry... "your man is different." LOL! If you're now a step-parent but you were once the "new" partner after a fresh break-up or death... you're the person who the kids see as taking away mom or dad. That was your choice so suck it up for the next 10 years and get some counseling to deal with your "nobody likes or respects me" issues. The Brady Bunch was just a bunch of actors - it wasn't reality television. I have a step-grandmother who's despised because she came into my family's life only 6 months after my real grandmother died (when my aunts & uncles were younger). There was definitely favoritism towards her own children and 50 years later, my family still avoids her (my grandfather's long since been deceased). My parents divorced when my siblings and I were all older and we had no major issues with our parents' partners. We don't consider them step-parents because they had no part in raising us, but we don't hate them either. For steps, it's mostly about when & how you enter children's lives. Good luck with your future divorces.

ALL TRUE

Submitted by Damaged (not verified) on Sun, 05/13/2012 - 10:53am.

Amy, Finally someone speaks the truth here. My dad did the same. My Mother died on Mothers Day 1975 and my dad was spending time my future step mother six months later. They started dating in public the day her divorce was final. The woman was my neighbor and my mothers former boss. It was humiliating in a small town. She buried my dad in November 2011 and refused to bury him next to my mother. So now my dad is a few rows west of Mom and he has two headstones with two different wives. But his body lies alone waiting for hers. I can't wait till she joins him. I'll finally be free of their selfishness. The step mother was no more guilty than the step mother in creating the hatred. He put his own needs for companionship above his children. I was 15. I had just lost my mother and was being told that children don't grieve like husbands and wives. Then when dad died I was told the same again. I wouldn't know. I divorced my husband for beating me before he died. I felt nothing but anger for him, even more after he died. I didn't grieve. But today is Mothers Day and all I feel is contempt for both my Dad and his widow. I will celebrate the day she dies.

it has everything to do with attitude of the parent

Submitted by KK (not verified) on Wed, 04/11/2012 - 7:15am.

Kids just don't all of the sudden hate people because they felt you took their spot. It has everything to do with the biological parents and in some cases the step parent. Biggest part of the time has to do with the parent conditioning the kid. Once a relationship has ended nobody teaches the possibility that either parent will move on in life. Usually one parent or the other will play the kids when one or the other gets in a new relationship. This is how the whole evil step parent begins. Kids are taught by one of the parent to cause problems within the new relationship of the other parent. Brain washing: Your daddy will not have time for you anymore since he is in a new relationship. when the dad and step mom picks the kids up putting the kids up to start asking daddy questions. Did you ever love mom? why did you leave her? Do you love our mom as much as you love step parent name? Do you remember when you, mom and I did this , this this, The parent calling their kids once or twice a day while they are with the parent and step parent. Enquiring information of what is going on with the new relationship. all this is negativity on the kids. If their is a parent that can not learn to move on after a divorce then of course the kids are going to hate the step parent. Some parents are as bad as kids thinking they are going to get replaced and like the step parent better. Step parents are not innocent either. I seen some parent go into a marriage loving their spouse but don't think they have to be involved in the step parenting. You can not go into a marriage ignoring your step kids. You either love the package or move on. Biggest problem I see out of step parenting is because the parent that has not moved on is playing the kids in the relationship.

stepson has treated his dying father so cruelly i cant believe

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 02/28/2012 - 10:15am.

My precious husband was suffering with terminal cancer (primary liver), Hospice had just set him up with the equipment we'd need to keep him comfortable for his last weeks or months. He"s had a joint bank account with his 25 yo son since around 2003 and has made deposits regularly and I'm not sure of the details, we have several accounts at various banks . Last June the 7th was his younger sons birthday So we had a party for him, and just before they left My husband told the older one Take her to the bank , and give her my money . Son looked back at Dad with and exclaimed "what money? dad you don't know what you're saying >>youve lost you mind, Dads talking out of his had . My husband turned red and clinched his fists and said my money go get it with her i want it and he was writhing . they left shortly thereafter, because Dad was inconsolable. iI was so sorry to see him mad as all get out and could not calm him. he would rage till exhausted and every few minutes he was calling his son names and telling me to go to the bank but it was midnight so i would say okay, I will go. don't worry calm down please Rest now, and so it went all night he wanted his money and me not able to understand how to fix it He said he wasn't having trouble thinking just talking, his mouth was dry but he wanted his money My husband never did calm down and I never expected him to forget he didn't have an account still open, devastated about his mental decline. He kept on till 10 am ...and had a heart attack! I called 911 and we went to the hospital in the ambulance but he only lived a few minutes more . ..my love was gone and it wasn't supposed to be over for a while, not today! I've been in a deep depression for 8 months now and the attorney said I had to finish settling his affairs, as executor, so I went to one bank, closed that account, then to the other I'd heard him so upset thinking he hadn't zeroed that balance and son being so mean the way he said he was crazy . I was informed the son lied to his father and kept the funds away from him and tried to make us all believe his mind was gone before he was......AND THERE WAS A HUGE SUM IN THERE ,and now its all his as he is the survivor on a joint account. He hasn't touched the money but his greedy lies caused a fatal heart attack !!! Robert wanted his money and iI should have gone to the bank alone and gotten it with the Power of Atty , but I had believed there was nothing to get for him, and he raged till it killed him. We should have had weeks maybe months together. I feel his son is pure evil to know exactly what he was doing . He had made a list of things he wanted to get with it, the first was his sister in Arizona. She passed away suddenly a few months ago. He has her with him now. If only I'd gone to the bank when they opened that morning he could have checked a bunch of the bucket-list items off his wishes.

indecision about being a stepmom

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 02/18/2012 - 5:03am.

I have read all your comments and to be honest it doesn't shed much light into the future. I am from a broken home. My father marrying 6 times himself. I have been on that side of the stage where you feel completely powerless about things that happen to you. Not having any choice in anything including step siblings to live with, stepmoms coming and going here and there, complaining about my father, one cheating on him, another one emotionally abusing us kids for 5 years, and a father who didn't even know what grade I was in, let alone how I was treated by the stepmother. I have been in that house for 12 years before leaving. So trust me, I have felt more abandoned than anyone else. I used to be angry at my mother for dying and leaving me in this tragic situation. Even thinking about her makes me upset because I always imagine how it would feel if I had a real mother who would sometimes tell me she loves me for real without feeling like she is forced to say things like that to be the "nice" person. The last thing I ever even thought, was being a stepmom myself! In my mind the word stepmom was equivalent to nasty evil in some cases and neutral in others. It was completely by accident, but a gentleman I met, just happened to have a child from a previous marriage. At the time we met, he would only see her 6 hours a week and I hadn't met her. I was very very doubtful myself and even told my date not to see me again because I didn't want to be in a situation where a child would not like me because I took Daddy's attention away, but somehow he kept coming back. I was very lonely myself, so I won't deny that his enthusiam was welcome; however, I did not want to be in that situation with a child either. Now after 3 years he has her twice a week and every other weekend. She is very aware of not letting a minute go by where dad and I could talk to each other. She is rude to me whenever she can and acting spoilt most of the time. Dad says I shouldn't listen to whatever she says and not pay too much attention to her. But it is very painful to hear and see this. What is even more complicated is that our relationship is getting strained as well. Time and time again I've wanted to end this relationship but there are invisible strings pulling at my heart. He talks about moving in together, but I am sometimes thinking of moving out of state altogether and leaving it all behind. So, being on both sides of the team, I understand how she feels, but I don't know if it's possible at all to build that bridge of love between two people who aren't connected by birth. I am no coward, I have withstood the test of time and fought bravely for myself and my siblings, but if something is impossible, I am not willing to waste my life and my time any longer.

Help!!

Submitted by Kim (not verified) on Sat, 02/04/2012 - 7:47pm.

I am at a loss. My fiance and I have been together since March 2009. He is divorced with 2 kids. Son- now, 17. Daughter- now 13. When he and I got together his divorce was still fresh so he and I both decided it would be in the best interest of the kids to wait on introductions. After we had been together for 6 months he told them about me. I wanted him to wait longer but he felt like it was past time to tell them. I met both the kids and everything was fine. He asked me to move in with him. I have a son (who is now 20) so my son and I moved in with my fiance. He has visitation (2 nights per week and every other weekend) shortly after I moved in he was put on 2nd shift. His kids still came on Tues. and Thurs. after school and I tended to them. Made sure they did homework, dinner, etc. they really enjoyed being here with me and my son. They often came even on there off nights and spent a lot of time with us during the summer. The daughter and Mom had a falling out (Mom was drinking a lot) so daughter moved in with Dad and I. Things were good. She brought her grades up in school, didn't act out at school like she had been doing, was respectful and a girl I enjoyed being around. She lived with us for 5 months. Lots of drama with Mom though and I guess I can understand her grief as that was her baby girl and her baby girl didn't want to be with her so I can imagine the heartache. I have tried and tried and tried some more to befriend Mom. I have helped her when her car was torn up I would take her (Mom) wherever she needed to go. I have given her money in the past also. I wanted the kids to see their Mom and I getting along and we did for a short period of time. Then Dad (my fiance) went through a phase, mid life crisis, whatever the heck you want to call it and he decided to seek "revenge" against his ex because he had found out she had cheated on him several times before they ever divorced. He was hurt, angry, etc. I didn't understand why he was so hurt by it as they were divorced and he was building a life with me, etc. but I let him get his "revenge". He lied to me time and time again. He was making her think he wanted her back, leading her on so to speak, messing with her head, etc. All the while I was simply like "wth"? This caused a huge amount of resentment on my part towards him. Very long story short, he had her convinced he wanted her back and then after he had reeled her back in he told her he didn't want her back, he had who he wanted, he was just messing with her, etc. All this time (it went on for 3 months) his kids were also convinced Mom and Dad were going to reconcile. Fast forward to today, his ex hates me, his kids hate me, they are verbally abusive to me, he has seen them 3 times in over a year and they literally live 5 mins away. They don't want to come because "the thing", "the homewrecker", "the bi*ch" is around. I have offered to leave and stay somewhere else for the night so they can come visit. That isn't good enough. I have reached out to all 3 of them and tried to make them see that I should not be blamed for the games there Dad played but yet they are convinced that if it weren't for me he would have taken her back. What do I do? I want him to see his kids. He needs to see his kids. I have talked till I am blue in the face but I went from being the future step mom both kids loved to the future step mom they hate. Today for example he and I were in the store, his daughter was in the store with a friend, she walks up, talks to Dad and it is like I wasn't even standing 5 inches from her. It hurts my heart and I don't know what to do. I've tried everything I can think of to make it right with them. Dad has finally seen my side and even told them what he did was wrong, he shouldn't of messed with his ex wifes head, it isn't my fault they aren't together, etc. But they are still convinced if I weren't around they would all be together again. It has gotten to the point of my having to take a restraining order out against Mom and have had her in court 2 times in the last 6 months for destruction of private property as she sliced my tires and keyed the work wh*re into my car door. I am just lost and have no clue where to turn next.

More Ideas

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 03/01/2012 - 12:09pm.

As I stated in my reply above my situation is similar...my now husband's kids loved me at first. Said they'd never seen him so happy and they had always wanted someone who would really appreciate how sweet he is. Their "mother" and I use that term loosely with her...physically and mentally abused their Dad(my husband) for year. To the point that he has scars and had to go to the ER and of course he covered for her. She eventually cheated and left him. I enter the picture after she'd been moved out and with the new "gem" she had found(really who'd want a cheater?) and the kids seem to love me. His almost ex at that time decides she doesn't like me or wants him back or who knows what...she is clearly not "right". She harrasses us and calls me names...goes crazy on me when I ask my boyfriend to introduce us after she barges into his house..there ensues and big scene with her calling me foul names in FRONT on my two children...who now think this woman is CrAAAZY. For a while things stayed okay....and his kids acknowledged that their mom was highly unstable and should never had done that in front of my kids. But fast forward to their getting back with their "mom". It's all changed now. He has 4 kids....the youngest turns 18 next week. I have a pretty decent relationship with him...and his one daughter is so so. The other two hate me. And after we got married she called and said absolutely HATEFUL things to her Dad. Both my husband and I have done tons of therapy to get over our past abusive relationships. And I went on a chat board elsewhere for advice. Peopel were mostly hateful saying I should NOT have married him. That I should only have married him If/When things got better with his adult kids? NO flipping way!!! Even our therapists said we can't let his kids make our decisions. I have tried to hard to be nice to them. Now I'm to the point of I'll be cordial and nice but after they continued ignoring or confronting me with nastiness I'm not knocking myself out ANYMORE. There is a verse in the Bible that talks about "not casting your pearls before swine"....And that is what it feels like I am doing. I think you probably are too. You can knock yourself out and it won't do a BIT of good. I will be nice to them but I'm not inviting them over for cozy dinners anymore hoping they'll like me again(only to have them be snarky). It is messing with my head and giving THEM too much power. I refuse to do that anymore. When/If they decide to grow up and act nicer and be happy for their Dad then I'm open to that. But I'm not beating my head on that wall anymore. And it feels good because husband and I are on the same page. He sees what they do and how they act....it took a while but we now have a united front. And sadly they treat HIM badly too....which upsets me more than when they do me. He is so good to them and they manipulate and act entitled. They play him. I'm thinking with all he is learning in therapy those days are going to be done for them. I want them to have a relationship with him..but one that has respect and not just based on what he can do for them. Hang in there. Focus on your man. Don't waste your time stressing over things you can't change.

Step Kids

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 03/01/2012 - 11:49am.

I feel for your situation. I'm in a similar one myself. After tons of reading online and sort of doing this myself I vote for quit trying with them. You can't make anyone change their views. THEY are being terribly unjust to you and it is all really your huband/boyfriends fault. All blame goes to him. Good luck to you.

I've had 2 stepmoms in my

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/16/2012 - 11:44pm.

I've had 2 stepmoms in my life.. I can tell you that both of them SUCK. The first one didn't have kids and her and my dad were together for 7 years. I'm not that child who feels sad that her parents aren't together or anything like that. I love my dad and if something makes him happy I'm all for it. BUT this woman hated me and my brother. We eventually felt the same. She would ignore us, but I'd take her over my current stepmom ANY day. Because atleast my first stepmom let me spend time with my dad. I cannot begin to tell you how I feel about this woman. I stay out of her way. I do what I'm told. It doesn't make sense. She has 2 kids, a son and a daughter. She treats her daughter like the queen... (what a surprise). It used to get to me but now I ignore it and her.. but she still manages to make my life hell. I've told my dad many times.. he even sees it sometimes... he doesn't do anything though, she gives him ultimatums.. soooo annoying. I'm screwed... really. She ruins everything for me. My 15th, 16th, and 17th birthday were hell. I didn't even get a card from my own dad. I got nothing. She asks like such a child, I just don't know what to do anymore. She's also the biggest hippocryte. I understand that there are people out there that do love their stepkids and aren't as evil as everyone says but I haven't seen it yet. You have to understand that it's not always the kids fault.. I try so hard to make it work because she makes my dad happy.. and as much as I don't like her or her little brat I have to put up with them. It's just sad the way she acts sometimes and I'm not going to lie I cry because of how furious it makes me. Her dog doesn't even like me, I've been bit 4 times and 1 time sent me to the hospital for an infection.. and she coons over that dog and praises him. My dad claims he just wanted to play and that he's a family dog.. but he's bitten other people too. No matter what she defends him. I'm only 17, honestly I don't know how much more I can take of this.

I hope this helps...

Submitted by Superelana (not verified) on Sun, 01/29/2012 - 10:05am.

I really feel for you in this situation. My best advice is to try and figure out why she is treating you like sh*t. I would ask her if you could have a talk with her. When she is ready, I would tell her that you feel really sad about the state of your relationship. Tell her that you feel like she is mad at you and/or doesn't like you. Tell her you feel like a second class citizen. Then ask her what you have done...ask her why she doesn't like you. Keep in mind that she may be jealous of your relationship with your father. She might also have no awareness of herself. Tell her you want to have a good relationship with her and ask her for her help. Tell her she is important to you. Get her to talk as much as possible. You are smart...I can tell. Try not to bring up too much from the past...except your feelings. Remember that you teach others how they are supposed to treat you. You are powerful and you are in control of your life. :) I wish you lots of love and lots of luck. Elana

step daughter

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/16/2012 - 10:23pm.

My husband and I have been together going on 8 yrs. My step daughter is 10 yrs old. I have been telling my husband how his daughter is and he would't believe me. Finally he opened his eyes n seen it for himself. His daughter is for the most part a good girl except for lying n going back n forth n complaining. I use to play into her drama but I don't any more, as long as no one is hurting her i don't want to hear it. It's like she wants us to say something about her mother so she can go back n tell her. And every time she speaks to her mom on the phone when she is at our house she sounds sad and of course her mother is always asking her what's wrong. Well her father finally called her on it and asked her why she does that n she didn't say anything. So he asked her other questions like does she complain to her mom about coming over here and she said yes she doesn't like to come over. First of all we have rules at our house n we r on her about her hygiene , homework, chores, etc. at her moms its not that strict. Over there she knows about the late nights at the bar n what ever drama their is. At our house its none of her business as she is a kid n not our friend. She also has a habit of lying n we have grounded her for that. But the lying is a learned behavior from her mother n my husbands mother. They would tell his daughter to lie to her father by saying don't tell your father. Well my husband won't call them on it cause he doesn't want the drama. Also her mother tells her ask your good parents. Or ask your good mom. Really how childish is that cause im a girl scout leader. I don't have children of my own but when I do I plan to be the same for them. To be involved n show them responsibly. I just hope as she gets older she appreciates what her father and i do for her.

I Hate His/Her Ex is a book

Submitted by pixie (not verified) on Mon, 01/16/2012 - 10:34am.

I Hate His/Her Ex is a book for anyone having difficulty coming to terms with their partner’s past relationships - brilliant read! Available on Amazon or most bookstores - Kindle or paperback!

My House, My Rules

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 10/17/2011 - 8:06am.

Thanks so much for dehumanizing us, all you traumatized stepchildren/biological moms! It's kind of funny, because my stepchildren were (and are still) taught to be open and accepting of others, and I have minimal issues with either of them. But what do I know, I'm "just" their stepmother and have no "legal" right to ask them to abide by my house rules, the ones that my biological child is asked equally to abide by.

I appreciate that some stepmothers are great and some not so much, just like biological parents can be, but what I don't appreciate is that some of the commenters on here are saying that their stepmoms are horrible because they ask them to do chores, or find fault in the way that the chores are done and ask the children to fix their mistakes. Would you accept this from your biological mother, or would you say that she's such an awful mother for asking you to do chores HER way in HER home? Why does one's being a stepmother make any difference? Your perception is your reality; I understand that. But think about whether you are REALLY being treated unfairly (which I am not saying is NOT a possibility, but...) or are you just upset because you are being asked to do something by someone who is not your "real" mom? In my home, all the kids (step and bio) are asked to do some minor chores on a weekly basis, and if tasks are not done to my or my husband's liking, we will ask that the job be fixed or repeated until it is. They usually only have to be asked once. Are you saying that because I am "just" a stepmom that I cannot have RULES in my own home? RULES that may or may not be different than your biological mom's?

Also, I agree with everyone who said that the "...responsible for the demise of your marriage" statement is WAY off in most cases and almost instantly reveals the bias of the author when in many cases there need not be ANY bias whatsoever. My husband was cheated on by the kids' mother when I was still in college 100 miles away; I met him six years and two relationships later.

It IS possible for intelligent adults to keep their mouths shut as to their own feelings in order to set a good example for all children involved, you know. Try doing THAT.

My House, My Rules

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 10:59am.

Although I am not married to their father, I consider his three kids my step kids. I have one major problem. The kids have an attitude like their bio-mom... "they don't have to put up with" anything they don't like or agree with. All have said it, as did/does their mother. If asked to help with simple chores, they told us they don't have to do them here as "it interferes with the time they spend with their father and they don't get to spend much time with him," or "No, I don't have to", or "No, I don't have to put up with this", or "No, because I do it at home all the time and I don't have to do it here", or they will just turn their head away from you, stare off into space, completely ignoring you. The youngest two (14 and 10) are not asked to do anything anymore as the oldest (almost 17) no longer comes here as she doesn't like to be asked or told to do anything, plus computer use is now limited and has parental controls. (She used to be on it all her waking hours during the day and would sneak on it and be on chat lines all night until 2 or 3 in the morning). She refused to share or to turn it off when asked. She is now playing "The victim", claiming her father always "yelled at her", he never did anything with them or took them anywhere, only letting them watch TV. None of this is true as we have records indicating otherwise. Plus we have copies of her chat logs which I stumbled across one day while clearing the computers hard drive, indicating her deception. This is why we now have parental controls on the computer. (Only her father and I know the content of these chat logs). I have stated "My House, My Rules " to their father, but he ignores it, claiming they are only kids. But my son and I are the ones that have to do everything. His girls only have to carry their dishes to the counter and place them by the dish washer, pull the blankets up on their beds (not properly make them) and put their clothes away after they have been washed, dried and folded for them. My kids were always assigned chores based on their age. His kids don't have to do anything! It seems as if his ex and his kids are the ones in control in my home. Can I ever get it back?

Thank you. Same situation

Submitted by VV (not verified) on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 10:26am.

Thank you. Same situation here. I guess we are evil because we make them do chores, but they dont think that biological mothers (at least the good ones) would do the same thing. My stepson told me that he hates me... cause I make him clean up his room all the time... then keep it clean!!! It's that simple!!

Excuse me? No legal rights rules in your house hold bit

Submitted by KK (not verified) on Wed, 04/11/2012 - 7:39am.

That is crap! I am sorry but I expect everybody to follow my house rules I do not care if you are the step children this is MY HOUSE! Even with my own kids, if you are a guest visiting my child or step child you follow my house rules. If you have a child that has a best friend coming over for a sleep over Do you not expect that child to follow your house rules as a guest? This goes the same for step children as well. Living with you or not. You are the adult of your house hold regardless with the stepmother tittle. They have rules. As I have told one of my step children who thought she was going to use that whole excuse. You follow my rules if you don't like it you can go back to your moms house and run your mom over

step moms

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 09/29/2011 - 12:52pm.

My husband and I were married, for 6 years, and we divorced, and about 1 1/2 years, passed and he met , who I thought was I nice lady, she was good with my kids, and they liked her, well 6 months went by, and they got married. Then my children both age 8, started tellng me, all the stuff, she was starting, like asking in great detail, what was going on when they were at my house, what they ate and what time they went to bed, etc. I have told my ex husband, repeatedly, to tell her to BACK OFF, she has not, despite the fact the my ex insists she has, she has total control over my children, not my husband, and he doesn't stick up for them, at all. She has them, so doesn't let them be kids, she measures ,what they eat, what they drink, how long they eat, how long they are in the shower, but her kids are absolute spoiled brats, uncontrollable, and this woman, has control of my kids! Is there any way possible , I can have an attourney wright something up to prevent, this. My kids, hate her, because she is constantly , on them , about everything. And I feel like all I can do, is hold my kids and try to listen to there problems, they have with her. She is constantly commenting, on me, about the way I do things, at my house, on my time , with the kids. If I am such a bad parent, then why do my children, always say they miss me, always want to be at my house, and are very well mannered, because I brought them up that way. NOT HER. please help any advice would help

Perhaps the step mom is

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/14/2013 - 9:57am.

Perhaps the step mom is asking questions regarding what they ate at your house so that the kids don't have the same food two or more nights in a row. Maybe she needs to know what time they go to bed at your house so that they can have the same routine at hers. And perhaps she just wants some information on what they like to do or have done at your place so that they can plan something different as not to get bored by doing the same thing.

Their house, their rules.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 01/26/2012 - 5:42pm.

Their house, their rules. Honestly you should butt out unless there has been physical abuse, REAL physical abuse, not just a spanking.

Maybe you should have thought

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 12/05/2011 - 11:20am.

Maybe you should have thought about this before you got a divorce? Why is it mothers don't think their husband will ever re-marry and are shocked when he does so quickly after your gone? Mothers, when you get a divorce there WILL be another woman parenting your children for you at some point in time, that is a reality. If you don't like it, get some therapy, better yet, don't get the divorce in the first place until your children that you gave birth to are grown. (unless of course you have valid grounds, such as physical abuse or infidelity)

So emotional abuse doesn't

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 05/15/2012 - 10:47am.

So emotional abuse doesn't hold water as a reason to leave? I'm sooo glad you exist in the world. We need more consciousness and kind people who have compassion like you around. I wish the universe would make more vessels of love and understanding to mother the world. Stay with Husbands who call them fat, humiliate them in front of company, etc.

StepMoms

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 10/10/2011 - 3:58pm.

From everything you have said, there is nothing legally you can do at this point in time. You can, however, start your kids in therapy so they can talk to a third party about the issues that is taking place at your husband's home with his new wife. The therapist will be considered a neutral party. You can then bring your ex-husband into the sessions so the therapist can discuss with your husband the issues his children are having with his new wife. This will soon start affecting their school work, etc., as they get older if the problem does not get resolved. Don't think for a minute that you are going to get this resolved directly with the new wife - it won't happen. It will take a third party professional to hopefully open your ex-husband's eyes as to what his wife is doing to his children.

That's a bold statement

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 09/22/2011 - 9:58am.

Wow. I think it is crazy that the first statement here is "the woman responsible for the demise of your marriage". It is crazy that everyone feels the need to blame the stepmom- I'm sure that anyone who really believes that the reason your marriage ended was because of someone else is clearly adding to the issue of the kids hating their stepmom. Your marriage ended because you had a bad relationship with your husband. It may be more on one side, but it is certainly not an outsider's fault. I just feel sad for people who can't take ownership of their life. Maybe someday, you will grow up.

I totally agree. My

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 03/31/2012 - 11:27pm.

I totally agree. My boyfriend's ex-wife thinks that he left her for me, when in reality we became FRIENDS two months after he left her, and then in a relationship 6 months after that. He left her because she is a lazy, crazy, fat slob who has munchaussen by proxy and has refused to get a job in the 9 years they were married. So now, even though I am in a relationship with my best friend and man of my dreams, I struggle with the idea of being stepmom to his kids. They are sneaky, manipulative and even though they like me, they try really hard to not like me because their bio mom constantly fills their head with her stories and paranoia. My daughter is so good to his boys, but they are rotten to her, and quite frankly I am questioning whether letting his boys into my and my daughter's life is fair for us. I agree with the posts here from other step moms in regards to the step kids: You are in a house, and there are rules. Who cares if they are different from your mom's? Get used to it! My own daughter has to follow her step mom's rules when she is at her dad's house, and she is fine with it! Me, her dad, and her step mom, and my boyfriend sat down with a behavior plan that we all agreed on. It was good for her to know that we all are on the same page. If your bio mom is saying bad things about your step mom, you should probably tell your bio mom "I love you mom, but if you don't have anything nice to say, please keep it to yourself, because it is me, not you, who has to have a child/parent relationship with dad's wife." Any divorce counselor will tell you that a parent who speaks negatively about the other parent AT ALL will cause a split personality in your own children. It's better to just be nice and keep the accusations and/or paranoia between you and a therapist.

Women who are married don't

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 05/15/2012 - 10:48am.

Women who are married don't need to get jobs. So whatever. If he's having you work he's using you for you earning ability.

women who are married dont need to work ??

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 09/01/2012 - 1:56pm.

Wow, I can not believe this statement was written in 2012. Of all the differing opinions written on the board I find this the most offensive. Really...people need to be self sufficient for their own betterment, their family's betterment and to be a contributing member of society. These type of statements hold working women back and degrade stay at home moms. We worked hard to get were we are please dont take us backwards.

I want to help my child...

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 2:28pm.

I'm a single mom. My child's father and I split up when she was only 6 months old. She is now 8. For awhile her father was very irresponsible and dependable would never have been a word that I would have used for him. A few years ago, he decided to join the Army. After years of him getting into trouble with the law, I was very hopeful this would help him to turn his life around so that he could be a bigger part of our daughter's life. He has been stationed in Korea for 2.5 to 3 years now, so visits between them have been very limited but I have always made sure to get them together whenever he has been on leave. We don't always get along, but I've always tried to make things work for our daughter. Last year, her father got remarried to a woman he met in Korea. I had my issues with this. While I know he has the right to fall in love and all of that, I was concerned with the fact that our daughter had never even met this woman and didn't seem to be considered in the decision making. However, I've tried to move past that. I've told my daughter her stepmother is someone her father loves and that this woman will be another person who will care about her. Now, last month, my daughter's father came home from Korea. He is here for a little over a month and then leaving for Kentucky. During the time he is home, he and his wife are going to be having a baby. Their little girl will be delivered by c-section Thursday (two days from now). My daughter has expressed how upset she is with me time and time again. I've always told her that we can't help our feelings, but that we can control what we do with them. I've encouraged her to talk to her father about how she feels. Keep in mind, she just turned 8. I talked to her father and told him what I told her and asked him to please be receptive and accepting of her feelings and help her to deal with them, rather than dismiss them. So she talked to him, and he called her selfish, because she said she didn't want to have a stepmother or a baby sister. Personally I think that her concern is more that this woman and their daughter are going to take her father's love from her. I've tried to help her sort through these emotions as best as I can, but her father needs to help and he's not. I've tried to tell her that her baby sister is going to be another person who loves her. (I'm a child of a blended family and have a half-brother who I consider nothing other than my baby brother.) My daughter has tried to tell her father that she wants some one on one time with him while he is home. He keeps promising it to her, but she's not really getting it. Now she is being called selfish, spoiled and disrespectful. I have tried to talk to the other adults in the situation and her father just won't talk to me. He keeps saying he is going to, but then doesn't. Now my daughter told me the other night that she wants to move with her father to Kentucky after the new year. A shock to me! As much as I know she loves her father, she has never really spent any long period of time with him. I was hurt, but I've been trying to understand the whys on this. I'm thinking she may be afraid that if she doesn't go with them, she will be forgotten/replaced. Again, her father won't talk to me. I don't even know if him and his wife would allow her to move with them. I can't keep her from him if that is what they both truly want, but I'm so scared. I live in Maine and aside her father and his new family unit, all of her family lives in Maine including his parents and siblings. That's so far and she won't be able to just come home if she doesn't like it. I've tried to convince her that we could consider it during her summer vacation. Have her go down there and see what she thinks before making a full fledged move. I really just don't know what to do. I called her school counselor today and asked that she meet with her. I think I'm doing all the right things, but it just doesn't seem to be enough, and I don't want to let down the biggest love in my life. Anyone have any suggestions or been in a similar situation?

Just remember that your

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 10/10/2011 - 4:06pm.

Just remember that your daughter is 8 years old. She does not have the legal right to say who she wants to live with. You are the primary custodian. In the long run, your ex-husband probably doesn't even want her, but I'm sure he will make sure the blame is on you for not letting her go. Although I appreciate school counselors in a "school type" setting, I don't really think they are qualified to get this involved. I would definitely seek an outside counselor for your daughter to start seeing. Make sure it is someone she is comfortable with and a good fit. If she doesn't feel comfortable with the therapist, she isn't going to open up. Just remember, loving our children does not always mean giving them everything they want, which sometimes is not the best thing for them. When my ex-husband met his future wife, my daughter was 9 and always felt like the third wheel when she was with them. She tried everything to get his attention, but any time I tried to give him advice to have one-on-one time with her, I was accused of leading his life, etc. I constantly had to pick up the pieces when my ex-husband broke my daughter's heart. She never showed him she was angry -- she always turned on me, which I resented and didn't understand. I put her in counseling, which helped. By the time she was 12, she had given up on having a relationship with him. She is now 18 and has not spoken to him in years. Definitely his loss.

Two sides

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 08/02/2011 - 1:53pm.

I know what it is to be a step mom and the step kids hating on you. Bio mom helped with that. I have two daughters from my current relationship, but never married due to the fact that life with my significant other had been a difficult one with his two kids making it hard. I have three kids from a prior. My kids also have a stepmom, however they have not considered their dad part of their family, but never had any hard feelings towards theirs dads wife and half sisters. They just moved on with their lives now as adults and don't hold on to the past. The difference here is that I never manipulated my kids into thinking their dad was a bad person for moving on. On the other hand, I have seen two sides to the "stepmom" scenario, and I know what all these step parents are going through. When I met my "husband" 22 years ago, I vowed to be an understanding partner, to accept his kids (then 5 and 3) and be patient and compassionate and loving. We had all the plans in the world to get married back then, and to raise our kids as one family. When we got pregnant of our oldest daughter after about a year into the relationship, all things changed and life seem to spindal out of control. I dealt with an evil ex wife manipulation, the daughter always calling and giving her mom all the details of mine and her dad's daily activities. As 6 years went by, realizing I had enough, I was going to leave when I found myself pregnant again. Things took a turn for the worst. We are getting threats by phone, and may other violent acts started to happen between the exwife and step daughter. Finally the step daughter was out of control with her own illegal issues, leaving the state with her mom and without permission from her probation officer. To make the long story short: It is now twenty two years later and I still find myself having to defend myself and my kids from these people and thier mom still sending texts about how she still love her ex husband. It's crazy. It doesn't get better. You would think that after your stepkids have grown into adults they would change but they don't. Even after all the betrayal of this family, after all the scandals, and all the attention they brought to themselves, you would think their dad would have cut ties with them, but he is still trying to win their affection now that they are adults. They only call when they want money or something to do with money, and they still continue to blame me, and my daughters for him being their for our daughters as it was their fault they were born. Writing this makes me feel that I am not alone, and realize that there are other stepmothers in my shoes, allthough I feel like I have no energy to go on with this relatioship anymore. i only stayed for my daughters. After tenty-two years, I realized I wasn't the evil step mom. I realized the threats of violence were always there whether it was by false accusations, and manipulation, and these kids carrying grudges over jealousy, and thinking that they were daddys only children. So good luck to you all stepmothers, I have been strong one all these years, but those step children will always be their mother's children, and it isn't even about winning their affection. It's about family being one, and if you're lucky those kids will let you love them. As for my three eldest three children that were from a prior relationship, they don't have a close relationship with their step dad, because of how he never gave them the oportunity to be that father figure. It is sad to see a father always trying to win his natural kids love, even after alway being there for his kids when they were children.

Dads wife is a gold digger but he cant see it (or wont see it)

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 07/14/2011 - 3:04pm.

i was an adult of 36 when my dad married. My mother had died 8 years previously. None of us met her before the marriage and hence knew nothing of her. They met online playing WOW. A few trips to visit my dad when they were married soon changed that. She is loud, rude and obnoxious and is keen for my brother and i to know "our place". Shortly after they married, she told me that i could take and drive any of the cars. Um hello. These are cars my dad bought and paid for with his own money and had years before he married you. I most certainly did not need her "permission" to take them. In fact i showed no interest in taking them and never did. This was just a blatant attempt by her to let me know that she gave me "her permission". Now if she had helped my dad to buy those cars herself then i wouldnt have a problem, with her giving me permission. Its almost because she marreid my dad suddenly everything he had was now hers and boy was she letting me and my brother know it. We asked my dad to sort out a prenup which he did. But its now worthless as she has managed to convinve him to sell his house and buy an RV and permanently tour out of the RV. The prenup was to protect the house. My mother would turn in the grave as she wanted her share of the house to pass to us. Ive resigned myself that its gone and my mothers wish will no longer be observed. My dads "wife" is only 56 and my dad is retired at 68. In fact my dad looks more like her dad than husband lol. She now no longer works (she only ever worked on a temporar y part time basis when it suited her and seeing as my dads pension comes with full medical benefits didnt even have to worry about taking low paid dead end jobs) and is more than happy after only 3 years of marriage to be a kept woman and have my dad pay for everything. She is a nasty nasty woman and all i can wish for is that some day my dad sees the monster he has married and divorce her ass. But seeing as she is now entitled to half everything he has then he will be the loser as she has nothing of her own. She is gold digging bitch. I am not really in touch with my dad anymore as i just simply can no longer tolerate her presence.

Dad's happiness should matter...

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 03/01/2012 - 12:41pm.

I do not know if your Dad's new wife is a gold digger or not. But I do know your attitude towards her in costing you and your Dad your relationship. YOU do not get to say what makes your Dad happy. How would you have liked it if he'd treated your husband this way or told you who you could or could not love. I don't see why adult kids...especially daugthers feel they have the right to do so? It is arrogant and WRONG. Your Dad's life is HIS to decide. If she makes him happy why can't you just be happy for him? So you are saying that if your Dad's new wife had a part time low paying job you'd be happier with her? Kind of....NO really judgemental. YOU don't get a say in what makes others' happy. It would have been nice if your Mom's wishes regarding the house being passed down was respected but you can blame your DAD for that...maybe travelling around in an RV sounded fun to him...lots of retirees do that. Had your Mom still been around maybe they'd be doing that. Isn't your Dad an age where he SHOULD be enjoying his retirement? Shouldn't he have someone to enjoy life with? By having a non accepting attitude over this you are giving up your Dad's later years with him. I think some day you will look back on this and regret it. At least you should. You don't have to "like" her but for your Dad's sake you can tolerate her and still see your Dad. I'm slightly older than you but way younger than your Dad's new wife and even I think this is unfair how you are being. Frankly, your post made you sound really immature and not very nice.

Maybe her dad doesn't deserve

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 05/15/2012 - 10:51am.

Maybe her dad doesn't deserve a relationship with her. I know my friend's dad married a gold digger and he's abuse to EVERYONE. Not just her and the wife, BUT everyone. So yeah who gives a crap. Let him die with that prostitute and keep your opinions to yourself!

My Stepmom is a Slutty Spoiled Brat

Submitted by Alexandra (not verified) on Thu, 07/07/2011 - 10:31pm.

My stepmom, Naomi...well...there's no words to describe her!!!! I HATE HER!!!!!! I'm only 13 years old, and she's been married to my dad for 2 years, and been with us for 4 and a half years.... Whenever I'm just sitting there, she stares at me and ALWAYS finds something wrong...like oh, go wash ur hands. Or, oh...go clean the dishes u haven't in a while...BUT HE SAYS IT IN SUCH AN ATITUDE!!!! She's a slut, she's always like half naked out in public, and whenever she takes a shower, she leaves the door open for everyone to see!!!!!!!! Why the heck??!! And she's also a MAJOR HEALTH FREAK!!!! She can't eat anything over like 1 calorie..I'm serious!! Oh, and ugh!!! Whenever I get something to eat that's a little fattening, like a snack or something...she calls me fat!!! (Im super skinny!!) just please help me to deal with her.....

my step mom is the same exact

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 02/22/2012 - 10:09am.

my step mom is the same exact way she's been married to my dad since i was 6 and she still hates me, im 16 now. she hates how close me and my dad were so she managed to ruin the relationship we had. she has a daughter with my dad and she is the royal princess in our household. she is constantly telling me im fat when i weigh 116. and she's like 30lbs overweight. wtf? and she is constantly telling my dad i lied about this and that when it's her trying to get m into troule. she wants me sent to millitary schools. i moved out last year with my grandparents and my dad wanted me to move back, basically forced me to and ever since she has hated me even more. i try to do whats best for my little sister to grow up around, considering shes 7. but thats impossible because she finds a way to get me into trouble. i dont know what to do and they dont allow me to comunicate with my bio mom, so please help!;/

My stepmom Jennifer is a huge

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 05/20/2011 - 9:40pm.

My stepmom Jennifer is a huge smart alec.... i treat her good ... and with alotl of respect... when she says i do something wrong.. but i know it is right she always has to corect me..... example. Today i did all my chores.....consisted of dishes Laundry dog poop trashes and clean... when i dumped there bathroom trash allitle bit of trash was left im the trash can.. she came home from runnng her erands and proceded to tell my i didnt dump their trash.. i replyed stating i did i remember i did... the trash must have gotten caught on the bag .... she said no u didnt. In a rotten, foul yet serious tone... i replied saying i did justifying my satement.... she comtinued to argue back like an imiture person saying no u didnt...i replyed jenn... if i can project my memory to u i would................. bottum line to u parents out their if u are going to become a step parent dont be a judgemental hypacrytical child who is willing to procrastinate until judgement day

Sweetie, the truth is your

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/06/2011 - 5:31pm.

Sweetie, the truth is your step mom has no legal right to enforce any chores or discipline on you; that's your father's job. My best to you!

Response to Sweetie, the truth is your ....step mom has no right

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 01/26/2012 - 5:32pm.

Yeah ok .... stating "your step mom has no legal right to enforce any chores or discipline on you" that is the father's job. I beg to differ .... ok being a step parent or a step child is something that you are brought into on either side. But to make a statement as such is dumb. When does it take legal rights for a step parent to enforce or discipline a child living or visiting in their home? It doesn't!! As the step parent .... obviously the real parent picked them to be with and the real parent would step in if he/she felt it was wrong of the step parent to enforce chores or discipline. I came from a home where I had a step dad. I am now in a home where I AM A STEP MOM! In my house as the step parent .... (I've got 2 kids from previous marriage 12 & 11) (Husband has 2 kids from previous 11 & 9) and we have one child together age 5.... I am responsible for ALL the kids .... and therefore ... I enforce chores and discipline.. If there is a problem and I can't handle it then I will ask hubby to step in. THAT IS WITH ALL THE KIDS!!!! Kids need to learn to adjust to the different homes, the different personalities and if the parent/step parents that are in the situation actually did what they should do then the kids would turn out fine. Example: When you remarry and become a step parent.... at that point sit the family down and let the kids know what to expect. As for me, yes I am responsible for my own kids but when they ask me to do something instead of just answering them I would say go ask "Step Dad". Not in all cases but in most only because me as a parent need to allow my children to understand and know that their step dad is also a rule maker in the home and has a say. Just as well as I wouldn't have married him if I didn't think that he could be part of my already made family. But kids live in one situation and visit another that have a totally different feel as each place. It is up to the parents to help kids adjust but all in the same if the child isn't getting the discipline in one home then it should be the other home (parent or step parent) to step up and help that child grow into an adult and help them learn life! If that means giving them chores (because they stay in that house and make a mess just as well as others that live there full time), or talking to them about their health, hygeine, whatever than so be it.... someone has to step up and become a parent instead of a friend.

What to Do When Your Kids Hate The Step-Mom

Resource Directory

filter by topic

What to Do When Your Kids Hate The Step-Mom

Comments

Post new comment