Is There Such a Thing as Man-o-pause?
Is There Such a Thing as Man-o-pause?
I read about all the lurid symptoms of menopause in a lengthy supplement in the Sunday Times last week. It was certainly terrifying. It set out all the potential ills that can befall women in middle age in long gory detail. At the end of reading it from cover to cover, I was a nervous wreck wondering whether any of that could happen to me.
Imagine: depression, hot flashes, osteoporosis — it was a never ending list of possible miseries.
Men don’t know how lucky they are!
Except, when I listen to some of my female clients I can’t help but wonder: is there such a thing as ‘Man-o-pause?!’ A particular affliction that affects men of a certain age — which can have just as profound effects in a different way?
Today a very charming female client came to see me. She described her husband’s ‘man-o-pausal’ symptoms. He is 55. He is used to getting his own way — when he wants and how he wants. But now, he is going bald and aging fast. He is convinced he is losing his once handsome appearance, and as the prospect of turning 60 approaches, he has fallen in love with a 23-year old woman who says she loves him. He is besotted with her. He is delighted that she wishes to have children with him. He says he wants to give up his wife, his two sons and all that they share as a family. He laments that if he doesn’t grasp this fabulous opportunity of excitement and passion — and sail off into the sunset with his 23-year old lady love and their love children — life won’t be worth living.
In the past I’ve written a post on the topic of men having trophy girlfriends and came to the conclusion they probably knew what they were doing (and lets face it, even if they didn’t, many of them could afford to lose some money through it anyway). After hearing firsthand from my client today, about her husband’s behaviour, I’m not so sure. Do they really know?
Growing older can obviously be scary. Bits of us start to bloat, wrinkle, sag and head south. And there’s not a lot we can do to prevent it. Getting bored with the same old, same old and putting up with it, even when it irritates, isn’t easy. Especially if you are a hyper testosterone alpha male used to being revered and treated as His Majesty the King both at home and probably more so at work. You deal with boredom by creating challenges. You take deliberate risks. You love the thrill of the chase. You definitely want it all and get bored when things are too readily available. You want your cake or cakes, waiting ready for you ready to be eaten when you want. You certainly don’t want to be stopped by a longstanding dutiful wife with whom frankly, you are now very bored. Or so you think.
However, without a doubt, if I could stop His Majesty, (without losing my head in the process!) I definitely would. I would diagnose and prescribe my very own treatment for his man-o-pause.
I would tell him: This is the 21st Century. You actually aren’t King Henry VIII and Lord of all you Survey. You are a married man with a family and a job at which you are successful. You have a very nice lifestyle that others envy. You should make the effort to preserve what you have, and make a very tough call. You should turn your back now on your femme fatale and say goodbye to the thrills of sex with her which in time will pall anyway. Rekindle your sex life with your wife. You aren’t her brother and she isn’t your sister, even if it seems that way. Try to appreciate fully the role she plays in your life and the pivotal role she holds for your home and your family. In time, although it will be hard, the heady excitement of that illicit affair will recede and become a memory. The intended order of things will stay in place, and the couple who have grown together, but drifted, will still stay together and enjoy the benefits that a life together will bring.
If that didn’t work, I would advise him his man-o-pause will cost him dearly. King Henry VIII never got what he was so vainly searching for either. He should open his eyes wide and I would warn him of the virtual certainty of an expensive second divorce when he becomes far too old in body and mind for his new lady love. I would tell him about the huge divorce payout he can expect to make to both his former wives and for all their respective children. Most of what he had ever earned would cease to be his. I would paint a picture of a virtually certain sad lonely and poverty-stricken old age.
However, I was not advising my client’s husband. I was advising her. I gave my client some unusual advice for a divorce lawyer. It doesn’t seem to me that she wants a divorce at all. I told her to go home and fight for her man in the best way she can to keep him. I diagnosed ‘man-o-pause’ and, like female menopause, it takes time to diminish its effects.
But I couldn’t help but think what if there was ever a male version of HRT it could work wonders and make a fortune for someone out there!
Nicknamed "The Barracuda" for her tenacity, Marilyn Stowe is one of the UK’s most sought after divorce lawyers, and is the senior partner at Stowe Family Law.
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