How to Talk to Your Kids When Your Ex Will Not Pay

How to Talk to Your Kids When Your Ex Will Not Pay

Consider the situation in which a woman’s ex is willing to spend money on himself, but refuses to pay his share for their 12-year-old daughter’s summer camp. He feels that, after what he thought was a miserable marriage, he is finally enjoying his freedom and that he deserves something special, in this case — buying a “great” car.

He figures his ex-wife will deal with the costs of camp. He thinks: “Look, the reality is that I just don’t have the money.”

Now mom has to deal with a disappointed girl.

Wrong:

Mom: “Dad is willing to buy himself a fancy new car but won't pay his share in order to send you to summer camp.”

Right:

Mom: “Dad and I can’t afford camp for you this year.”

Daughter: “That's not fair. All my friends are going.”

Mom: “I know you’re disappointed. We shouldn't have promised camp to you if we couldn't come through. I owe you an apology. But, the fact remains that we can't do it this year.”

Daughter: “It’s Dad isn't it. He can buy himself a new car, but won't pay for my camp.”

Mom: “This is between your Dad and myself. I just feel bad that you are so disappointed. I will do my best not to let something like this happen again.”

Joint custody agreements sometimes have a downside. These agreements document exactly who pays for this and who pays for that and what gets split — such as camp costs, tuition for school or after-school classes and the like.

Such agreements sound good on paper and, for those couples who get along, collaborating in these responsibilities only makes for a more united front and a healthier divorce. However, in those situations where self-centeredness, greed or control continues to be issues, these numerous small negotiations can be a source for power struggles.

Each shared financial commitment and responsibility can bring a renewed sense of disappointment; making the never-ending unhappy marriage the never-ending unhappy divorce.

In this example the father is enjoying his new freedom with almost adolescent abandon.

This is more common than one might think. It is a form of regression to the grandiosity and self-centeredness of being like a teenager with few responsibilities. He is just so happy to be out of the marriage, he may think, “Thank goodness that I am free to buy the car that I really want. She would never have allowed it when we were together.”

And note that it’s not always ex-husbands. The ex-wife can go overboard on spending as well, and for the same reasons.

Perhaps Dad in the above case rationalizes that he is not really required to pay half of the camp costs. “Let her Mom pay for it. She will find the money. I have done enough for this family.”

But in critiquing her ex-husband about his “fancy new car,” Mom makes a mistake by expressing her outrage and frustration directly to their daughter. Even if the ex-husband is being irresponsible, she adds insult to injury by sharing adult information with a child.

This is a violation of the Intergenerational Boundary. It invites the child into the adult world directly by blaming her Dad, and forcing the child to choose sides. Mom is also angry that she has to deny her daughter something that she should be entititled to under the agreement.

Very frustrating.

But this too, needs to stay in the world of adults.

Mom needs a dose of perspective.

When Mom deals with her daughter in a more productive way she does three big things.

First, she acknowledges her feelings of anger and disappointment, and she apologizes to the daughter. This is good because the child needs to know that Mom knows something wrong has just happened.

Second, the mother here deftly avoids placing blame. Perspective teaches that nothing good will come out of it. The child is disappointed but, at least, understood. The world is not so random to her as a consequence.

Finally, you will notice that the daughter in this example doesn’t give up easily. She pushes and pushes her mother: “It’s Mom isn’t it? She can buy herself a new car, but won't pay for my camp.”

This is common practice for many sharp kids. They try to break through the Intergenerational Boundary in order to get information that may be useful in making their case. Like a first-rate attorney, they try to gain an advantage.

When parents give in to this kind of pressure, it usually hurts the kids.

Keep perspective and do what is best for your kids. In a less-than-perfect world, each and every parent has tough parenting decisions to make.

You won’t get them all right, but you can do better, every day.

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