Death And Divorce

Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Sun, 02/12/2012 - 9:23am

Recently I’ve had death on my mind. Thanks to one of our fellow bloggers here and her post about The Fantasy of an Untimely Death. After reading the post, I had to wonder what would the author’s life be like if her marriage had ended with her husband’s death instead of divorce. She suffered the loss of her spouse and marriage, but society’s attitude toward a woman who loses everything due to divorce is far different from a woman who loses a spouse to death.

Most of my clients are women whose husbands have left them for a younger woman or a better life. Just as a woman who loses a spouse to death, my clients had no control over the loss of their husbands and the lives they had built as a couple. Yet, society has granted the widow all the dignity of her position. There are funeral rituals, she can claim all her husband’s assets and is showered with sympathy and concern for her loss.

On the other hand, the divorcee and her loss are devalued by the legal system, society and, when you need them most, friends and family. The victim of an unwanted divorce doesn’t hold the same status as a widow because their ex spouse is still alive. The knowledge that a spouse is still alive is cold comfort when you have to live daily knowing he has chosen to live elsewhere. Not that I don’t sympathize with anyone who loses a spouse to death, but at least they know their spouse would have stayed if given the opportunity. They don’t have to live with the fact that their spouse is dead to them because he chose to be dead to them.

In reality, a widow and a woman who loses her spouse through divorce have a lot in common. The only thing they don’t have in common is how they are viewed by society. To lose a spouse through divorce is to experience death without dignity. It means the death of your friendship with someone you had chosen to be your life partner. It is the death of your future with your spouse. It is the probable death of any financial security you felt in your marriage. It is the death of the emotional security one feels in a marriage.

Divorce can be as traumatic as the death of a spouse…loss is loss. If you are going through an unwanted divorce, treat yourself kindly. You did not fail at marriage; you are suffering through the death of your marriage. If you know someone whose husband has left her, treat her with dignity. Show her the same sympathy and concern you would if her spouse had died. After all, she is living with the uncertainties of divorce and the skewed views of a society that feels she deserves less emotional and legal support.

Click the following for a directory of articles to help you keep a healthy mind and spirit through divorce.

Comments

Loss through divorce

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 11:13am.

I am also among the many women left by their "cop" husbands. I love this man beyond words, still. I shouldn't, but unfortunately I do. I thought the love that we shared would last a lifetime. The emotional torture has been devastating. I have been suffering for about 1 and 1/2 years, and the divorce is now in the hands of a Judge. What he had done to me, he did to his 1st wife. Of course, I found out years later after we married. He is now happy and with his new love, which he had to tell me about. He is adored by his family, co-workers and peers. The only friends allowed, were also in law enforcement. He had no interest in my friends, due to "they ask stupid questions". He left on our 9 year anniversary with not paying the house payment. He had already planned his escape. I had no job, no car and no spousal support for months. The house is now a short sale. (Thank goodness) The only vehicle we had was a beefed Dodge Ram Truck, which he took. Leaving me with no vehicle. Even though he had a take home vehicle to get to work in. He had his beloved boat and all his items from the garage. He just walked away not looking back or caring what happened to myself or our dogs. Leaving bills and debts that were accrued for the house. We have been intimate during this time, until he found his new love. I was under the impression things would work themselves out. I am still feeling the lose of my best friend, lover and husband. It is a horrible place to be. I am hoping to share with others, to attempt to get over my pain. With all the things that he has done, I still adore this man. I keep telling myself he didn't mean to. He is great at the emotional words and torture. Please help me through this!!!!

In Middle of Divorce then Husband Dies from Cancer

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 12/03/2012 - 9:31am.

I am a man writing about a situation I am in. First I want it clear that I absolutly love this woman with all my heart. When we first met it was on a discreet website. We hit it off right away. As time went on we both agreed that we have never been kissed and made love to like when we did. She had told me that she had been trying to leave him for 4 years (they were married 11yrs) but just when she was going to, he got sick. The cancer would spread. As far as he goes, an alcoholic, self centered, cheated on her constantly but always denied it and even with photographic proof he would not own up. He also threw things at her and called her things no woman should be subject to. She moved out and they both filed for divorce. Three months past and he was dying. She made the decision to go back and care for him. She cried and cried because she didn't want to hurt me. She did what was right. he had no ne to take care of him. He died the beginning of October. I told her I would not contact her and when she was ready she would contact me. After 1 month she called. We had dinner on a Sunday and when I walked her to her car we hugged and she would not let go...then we kissed for a long time. The next day I had off from work and she did not but got out early and came to my place. She needed my kisses. Then the next 2 weeks we spent a lot of time making love, etc. Then she told me she loved me, really, really, liked me, loved to kiss me and take baths. The next week she kept putting me off. This past Friday I picked her up at a car dealership, we went to her place and kissed but she said I couldn't stay. Sunday we went to an early concert and spent the day together but just little kisses and hand holding. I finally asked what happened and she says that she still hurts and can't do the whole relationship thing right now. We decided to keep doing things together and just have fun until she is ready for more. I will do anything for her and I know she wants to be with me but due to the lose is not ready. I can handle this situation because there is nobody else I would rather be with. I am just looking for some sort of answer on how long you think she could go on like this. I will wait but...well, I love her so and will need to show a lot of restraint. I am looking for suggestions, comments, anything that would help me help her. Thank you...

My wife lied and I suspect

Submitted by Dave (not verified) on Fri, 01/11/2013 - 12:51pm.

My wife lied and I suspect cheated for 2 years back in 2008-2010. I have tried to trust her again but find myself feeling taken for granted and treated like a housewife in the 1950's with a dictatorial husband. She has left me broken and not loved.I stay b/c of 2 young children we have but I don't think that is enough anymore. I think I need a divorce and fresh start with a woman that will treat me like a man again and not mentally castrate me anymore.

I am writing this from a male

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 4:02pm.

I am writing this from a male perspective, and just happened to find this site while searching for dealing with the unexpected end of a long relationship. I truly enjoyed reading the article and, while geared to females, I saw a lot of my own situation here. After six years of marriage, my wife (and best friend) took a job several hundred miles away. We were making it work, until suddenly, out of the blue, she told me that she no longer wanted to be married. She had tasted the "single life" and wanted to live it. I had no idea this was coming. The last time she was home to visit, we had a wonderful time, took a vacation, and were making plans for her next trip home. I've been in a daze for a week. I've barely eaten, can hardly sleep, and am left with disposing of most of our household possessions. I've tried putting myself in her position, and I do see her point of view, but it doesn't make things any easier. I feel like I am in mourning... I think about her, and this awful situation, 24 hours a day. I can't focus on anything else. As I drive around the small town we live in, the emotional toll is overwhelming. Every restaurant we went to, the movie theatre, the shopping mall... everything reminds me of her, and the time we spent together. At the end of the day, I generally come home to a cold e-mail, or two, reminding me of another task I have to complete, such as splitting up our bank accounts or cancelling one service or another. I really enjoyed reading this article, because I saw so much I could relate to. Again, I know it is written from the perspective of a woman, and geared towards women who have been left by their husbands, but it made me feel that little bit less alone.

Death & Divorce

Submitted by Anya (not verified) on Tue, 10/02/2012 - 9:39pm.

Till death due us part, those were the vows that we took 12 years ago. And even though we were no longer married we still honored our vows. You are truely missed Vincent Todd Lucky. Hello my name is Anya Dena Lucky and I want to share my story of love, death, love again, divorce & death again & love again...

There is life after death in divorce

Submitted by Thankfull (not verified) on Thu, 10/11/2012 - 5:12am.

Death is the final candle on the cake. A cake that was built with pain, mistrust, ugliness. A cake that was the celebration of a divorce after 23 years of marriage. A marriage in name and body, lust, when he needed a body. A marriage where my children and I were emotionally bullied. Still today carrying the scars of our lives. But thank God, we have a bond that links us, things we can laugh about.... When he passed away, my children and I was the only people next to his deathbed. I kissed him on his forehead and told him: Go on go rest, I forgive you for everything. The abuse, the other women, and the children he fathered with a young whore that he married after our divorce. My children looked at him, my daughter the first time in ten years. They hold his hands. When I saw life exiting his body I told them, he is going. We did feel at peace. It was the best for me and my kids to end our walk in life with him, knowing it is FINAL. Never again!! Today, 3 years has gone. Our lives are so much better. Even better than it was after the divorce. And that was good! There was an end. A conclusion. He is gone. Forever. Never but never but never again will he be able to bully or abuse us. His sweet word that always turned ugly would not hurt my baby grandchildren that I love dearly. he is gone. Thank God he is gone! Emotional abuse is the worst form of abuse in any relationship. The worst nightmare a women and children can live through because there is no other choice financially. It can go two ways. Good or bad. The kids can be so, so negative, because of circumstances, or they can rise above their circumstances and live a better life. Thank God in our situation it was the latter. I had some insurance. Some financial security after his death. Not enough to make me financial free. At the funeral I was first recognized by the minister - whom we knew very well. I was addressed firstly, then his new young wife. My in laws where happy to see me. Ask me to please visit them. Why? I wonder why? When I was married to him they did not bother so much? In fact, they support him in his abuse.... Maybe because of all this in a nutshell, I can thankfully say that I got closure after my ex-husband died. Life is much better.... I found a new love, somebody that I trust. A total different life. Thank God!

Shunning after divorce, collaborate on a book

Submitted by Kitty Axelson-Berry (not verified) on Wed, 04/11/2012 - 8:56pm.

I've had a similar experience and am interested in collaborating on a book of first-person stories about shunning after divorce. My ex-husband was the main person in charge of our social life, as he didn't generally work -- and he was clear about the cultural, political, and religious values required of friends, whereas I am more flexible. Also, he's charismatic and a good musician. Being ostracized by people I'd thought were my friends was a painful experience, and knowing that I wasn't alone in this situation would have been very helpful!

Collaborating on book

Submitted by olivia (not verified) on Fri, 05/04/2012 - 8:43pm.

Hi Kitty, I'm a professional writer and editor who is in the middle of a bizarre and painful divorce (I know, I know, they're all painful). But for months, I have been more upset about being so widely shunned by friends than I am about losing my husband (I suppose, on some level, I always knew that he was somewhat disturbed.) I may be interested in collaborating on a book. Please email me if you're interested in chatting about this. Thanks, Olivia

I have experienced being

Submitted by BrokenHeart (not verified) on Wed, 02/29/2012 - 8:15am.

I have experienced being widowed and now am experiencing being left by my husband. I can promise you that being left is worse. When my late husband died I was devastated, but I had all the support I need from friends, family, neighbors, co-workers & my employer. My husband left me five days ago. I have a small circle of family that have been there but not nearly to the extent they were when I was widowed. My husband is a police officer and I am used to being home alone at all kinds of hours because of his schedule, but now this house feels like it is closing in on me. I feel claustrophobic even outdoors, the weight of my emotions is crushing and I feel like no one really cares. The difference in being widowed and being left is that when widowed I knew he loved me and that he didn't want to leave me. Now that my husband whom I am head over heels in love with has told me he loves me but is not in love with me anymore I am dying inside. I have been rejected. The man I have been so good to and relied on for love and safety doesn't feel inlove with me. The hurt is beyond compare. I have looked for a support group and there are none in my area. It is just me, alone and scared and rejected.

There is life after rejection even after the third marriage

Submitted by Mz "E" (not verified) on Sat, 01/26/2013 - 11:28pm.

Hello, my heart go out to you. I can relate to what you are saying. I've often believe divorce is worse than death. My first husband left me while pregnant with our second daughter. He had not come home for an entire week. my mom, sister and aunt were at the beach and saw him there. he was walking holding hands with his girl friend . He called me two weeks later and said he was coming for his clothes that was in 1978. I remarried the 2nd time and this guy got a baby on the out side. I even tried to make it work but he kept lying and stealing from me. He started drinking really bad, went into my account and took all the money i had saved for my daughter tuition. This guy died 2 yrs ago I was single for 10 years, remarried the third man and he was a Christian. I became his enemy in his eyes after being married 7 years. We graduated from high school together, he always liked me since 7th grade. This man got upset with me two weeks after we got married, I had no clue what the problem was. I found out, he was upset because I told my sister my back hurt before I told him my back hurt. This man was very, very verbal abusive. I started noticing the change in his behavior quit often. I finally got him to go to the doctor after he had been working three days without any sleep. The doctor talked with him for five minutes, sent him to the bath room to get urine specimen and said to me " your husband is bipolar and obsessive compulsive behavior. We dated for one full year and I never saw these behavior, he was so kind and sweet. He was put on medication, and took it for one year, we had a perfect marriage. He decided he wouldn't take it any more . in 2005 my husband packed his clothes and left and never looked back. He doesn't have transportation, no where to live. My heart go out to him, because he doesn't think he did anything wrong. He refuses to believe he has any problem. So yes I have experience rejection from more than one man. I know I'm not perfect but I am a good person. I went to my first husband and apologized for the part I played in our divorce. he said" you were a good wife, I was young and just wasn't finished in the street". I went to my second husband and apologized to him and he said" no I owe you an apologize for disrespecting you and getting a baby on the outside and continued to do the wrong thing. My last husband when I asked him what did I do, and asked him to forgive me he said" No" One thing I do know I'm free. Forgiveness releases you and not keep you in bondage. I have not dated, have not even been approached by a single mature man with integrity. Did you hear what I said, a single man, not married man. I am a smart woman, I work hard, I'm a Christian , I love people and if I never meet anyone, I'm ok with it. I travel and enjoy life My children father said to me " I would give anything to be home with you and my girls, they both are grown with children. My second husband died after running into a tree , drunk and broke his neck My third husband is struggling, no money and living from his sister and oldest daughter mother in a room I'm enjoying life, loving God, loving people and walking in peace You be encouraged, forgive yourself, live life on purpose.

From a male perspective

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 4:09pm.

No, it's not just you. And this is a male writing. I just recently commented on the whole article, but much of what is written here sums up my feelings over the last few weeks. My wife suddenly, out of the blue, told me she wants to "live the single life", and it would be best for us to just end the marriage. We had (I thought) a strong marriage, were the best of friends, and did everything together. Now, suddenly and coldly, she has told me she wants out. The few e-mails she sends are abrupt and impersonal. She never texts or phones like she used to. And I have been left to just pick up the pieces. I never saw this coming. I was good to her, head over heels in love with her, and also feel alone, scared and rejected. And yes, our house, which was once a "home" is now just a dark, cold, brick building. And I feel claustrophobic even being here.

No, it's not just you. And

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/29/2012 - 4:07pm.

Thank you for writing this

Submitted by Laura (not verified) on Sun, 02/12/2012 - 11:08am.

Thank you for writing this Cathy. I've always thought this in the back of my mind. When my ex left me, one of my sisters said, "Well, you guys weren't happy anyway, were you?" I had thought my ex and I were working on our marriage and getting back to that "happy" place (if that is at all possible) when he left me for one of my good friends. I did not see it coming - I had thought we were trying to work it out. But according to this sister, since we were having problems, it wasn't a "big deal" that my husband had left me and our two small children. My family did not "rally" around me. No one called to see how I was doing. Only one of my other sisters and my mom were there for me. Two years later, this sister who said this remark lost her husband suddenly. The attitude from my loss to hers was mind-blowing. And still is. Two years later, she is still allowed to grieve. Two years after my ex left me, no one would even allow me to talk about it: "Aren't you over that YET?" Divorce is just as devastating, if not worse, than a death. At least in a death, (unless it's suicide) you know your spouse would have stayed if he could.

Don't assume that females are

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 07/02/2011 - 12:00pm.

Don't assume that females are always left on the side of the road from divorce. Some are nasty, dump their husbands, and then are nasty again to the new family! No feeling sorry for them. And somehow, they are justified in creating a difficult time for the new family, who just wishes she would get on with her life, and leave them alone. However, we know this woman has cried "victim" to her friends and family for 20 years. We're not sure how that is credible to them, but she is untruthful, so we are sure she can pull that one off, as her "peeps" don't know us!

Wow...

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 04/22/2012 - 6:47pm.

Did you ever stop to think that she feels like she invested a lot of her time and life in this man and relationship? Marriage is for better or worse (so many people selectively CHOOSE to forget that). After all....he WAS HER husband FIRST before he hooked up with you. Have a little compassion and respect. He OBVIOUSLY did NOT honor his vows to her OR God by leaving her AND furthermore, his leaving was not only the lazy, cowards way out but was a PROFOUND betrayal! Marriage is HARD!! No one ever said it would be a never ending amusement park ride with sex three times a day and a wife that will never disagree with you OR get older. I have ALWAYS been amazed at how women will take another woman's husband and then blame HER because she feels "left out in the cold." Guess you didn't read the article above. It is NEVER ok to use someone's life up and then "strand" them because.....poor you....you believe that you can have a "better" life or a "younger" wife or whatever B.S. you choose to justify the real fact that you are just self centered and "just don't feel like" working on your marriage!! If you don't believe anything I said, then believe this....IF HE LEFT HER HE WILL LEAVE YOU TOO!! Don't be so "smug" about it. It just could happen to you (but that's right, I forgot, YOU"RE special).

wonder ex-husband Roland J.

Submitted by Alice J Smith (not verified) on Mon, 05/30/2011 - 1:12pm.

wonder ex-husband Roland J. Genitle of Phila, Pa since I was divorce since I left him in about 1963 or 1964. Wondering is he alive? Because I want to go back to my catholic faith. I knew he was remarried someone else and have children. After that I never hear since. So I remarried to Eugene C. Smith. I don't have his social security or birth.

Death And Divorce

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