Can You Be Friends With Your Ex's New Wife?

Posted to Resource Articles by Brenda Rodstrom on Wed, 02/08/2012 - 8:25am

Many people ask me if it is a good idea — or even possible — to become friends with their ex-husband's new wife. This can be great if it happens, but basically I think it's a stretch!

We choose our friends, not our relatives, and in a sense your ex's new wife is a step-relative. While there is nothing wrong with being friends, it's pretty unusual. Friends are people who have dinner together, share thoughts and feelings, and have a strong comfort level with one another. Since she is married to the person who you used to be intimate with and then divorced — which is not friendly — sharing thoughts and feelings seems pretty unlikely!

There is, however, a need to be polite and pleasant. This is in the best interests of your kids, who have been through enough and may be having a hard time with their new stepmother. One client realized that she would have to be in the same room with her ex and his new wife at school functions and birthday parties. She was having a rough time with it. I suggested that she take a friend or two along to act as buffers, plan some pleasant conversation with the new wife, and then enjoy her friends. It made it much easier, and she could feel good about herself for modeling polite behavior for her children.

Here is another example: Marj's ex-husband was having an affair with Dee for six months before he announced that he was leaving her. Marj was devastated. How could he do this? She refused to meet her for some time, but realized when wedding plans were being made that she would have to change this. The kids seemed to like her, and Marj vowed to be pleasant to her for the sake of the children. She knew that there would be many situations where they would have to be in the same room. School events, the weekly "hand off'', and eventually graduations and weddings. The time to start acting pleasant is now. That doesn't change how she feels about her, which is much less than friendly. I give her a lot of credit, because the attitude she shows to her kids allows them to have a better relationship with their father and stepmother. Much as she would like to throttle both her ex and Dee, she lets out her frustration in her divorce recovery group and has been able to move on in her own life.

It is really important to be kind to yourself. It is quite normal to have feelings of rage towards the people who have caused you so much pain. But you need to find an outlet for those feelings or they will devour you. There are divorce support groups, counselors and therapists who work with divorce recovery. Divorce is one of the most painful things that you can go through, but there can be a better life on the other side. As your pain lessens, you will probably find it easier to be around your ex's new wife — but give yourself time to heal. You can't force friendship.

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Comments

Engaged to an ex

Submitted by Trying to be happy (not verified) on Wed, 01/16/2013 - 2:42pm.

Hi there, Please take it easy on me ladies. I am a 33 year old woman with a big heart. I met a sweet man who has a 6 year old daughter. He proposed to me in July and I accepted. He is divorced as of 4 years ago. I requested to meet his ex wife after a month or so of us dating... She agreed and it went well. I see her when we pick up and drop off his daughter. I just wanted to give a "new wife's" input. Its not that easy to fall in love with a man who is trying his best to start over and build a family after already being married and having a child. I know this is a personal decision and i still am questioning it. Second wives give up their dream of a first time marriage and giving a man his first child. I think that's where a lot of the second wife issues come from too. It's some insecurity and resentment because you are grieving the loss. Again it is a choice. But if you fall for this man what can you do besides break your heart and his and leave. It's tricky. The first wife can definitely make it easier by being friendly or cordial. The first wife in my situation does her best. It does make my skin crawl a bit when my fiancé gets texts and calls from her but I have to understand its related to the child they share. It's an adjustment for everyone. The man in the situation also needs to show respect to the women. Respecting his new relationship by setting boundaries and being honest, open, and inclusive. He also needs to be straightforward with his ex and obviously maintain his responsibility to his children but I feel that's where the line is drawn. I appreciate feedback on my perspective. I've been in my current relationship about a year and I am dealing with a lot of emotions and struggles but I'm trying. Thanks for listening. - bighearted

Second Wife

Submitted by Guest Kyndra (not verified) on Tue, 01/29/2013 - 1:56pm.

I want my new Husband to respect his ex-wife and be kind to her. I think it's great that they've moved on and settled any differences. The ex-wife is also really good friends with my Husbands best friend of over 20 years, he is Godfather to their child. During the first year of our marriage I had to deal with the ex being over along with the best friend and watch the 3 sit on the couch, watch and discuss basketball. My Husband remains friends with her, they discuss her job etc. I don't like it, but don't see it changing.

I am the new wife...

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 1:08pm.

I married my husband and I was the woman he had an affair with. Please keep in mind you issues are with your ex wif/ ex husband. People who have affairs that lead to marriage, the first marriage is already broken, or the person cheating would not have been looking for something else. You can't take the frustration of your loss out on the new person. Give her a chance and realize your ex could have stopped any affair and worked it out with you if they wanted to. The new woman is not the enemy.

I am the new wife.... who was having the affair

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/16/2013 - 1:41pm.

Reply to the new woman is not the enemy -- so much depends on how the new woman acts -- and has this new woman who wrote the email ever considered that: 1. perhaps the previous marriage could have been fixed if the new woman was not involved, seeming to offer an easier alternative to the husband than facing his relationship problems 2. the attitude towards the new woman is affected by how she encourages her new hustand to stay involved with his children as opposed to seemingly being jealous of his involvement with them And SO many factors -- people join cults, it seems, if they are approached at a moment of crisis and disequalibrium in their lives -- AND perhaps they may have affairs at similar times in their lives -- if their affairs are with respected colleagues at their work, then the husband (in this case) can be faced with the choice between trying to work on a marriage where the outcome is unsure while losing the respect of his co-workers/having to see that newly rejected person every day and leaving the past behind, going with the new person, and at least saving their work life.........

Are You Serious?

Submitted by CJ (not verified) on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 6:06pm.

Let's look at it from this viewpoint. If, as is typically the case, the first marriage is already broken, what does it say about a man who decides to begin a new relationship (whether it leads to marriage or not) before severing his first marriage and THEN moving on? The new wife may not be the the person you have the issue with, but she also certainly played a role by not refusing the man's advances before he took care of his issues with his first wife. Honestly, I just enjoy the divorce statistics regarding second marriages, especially the ones that begin as an affair.

New wife has boundaries

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 12/30/2012 - 11:08am.

Recently, my ex's wife sent me a heated email regarding my crossing boundaries in her home. The two instances involved my entering the kitchen to greet my ex in-laws and another when I again, left the entryway to cross the kitchen and hug my children. They were to be staying there for two weeks. In addition, she felt I had been rude in informing her that they might need to come get the children's school things they forgot before school started up again, that maybe their father could grab it on his way home from work which was on the way. I'm including the message here.......... B- I just need to write you a short note to express my feelings. The last couple of times you have come over to the house I have felt my boundaries bulldozed. I feel angry when you push past me and storm through the house. Please respect that this is my and F's house. If you want a hug from the kids, please call them over. Unless you are invited further into the house please respect my boundaries and stay in the entry area. Next, if your son requires his Amazon stuff before returning to your house on the 13th he can make arrangements with you to have it dropped off. Since he could have had it delivered straight here he needs to take responsibility. Neither I nor his father are his personal courier service. In the future, when you require my help or need me to do something for you I would appreciate a request. C.......... She and I have yet to forge any kind of relationship, really, other than being civil but I had certainly thought we had passed the awkward phase and were both working towards a more harmonious interactive existence. I was caught up pretty short with this and simply replied, "Of course. My apologies." But now I'm stuck with how to move forward from this. I go back and forth from anger to incredulousness to utter confusion. Boundaries, got it. Loud and clear, but now what?

Meeting new wife for the first time

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 11/24/2012 - 6:33pm.

My ex-husband left me after 31 years for another woman. We have 12 y.o and 21 y.o. sons. My ex and she were together for 9 months before I found out and it has been 9 months since I found out. We have joint custody of our 12 y.o. My 12 y.o. son and I just got back from a cruise with my parents last week and found out that they had married. I had asked my ex specifically to inform me to let me know when they were to be married so that we could be prepared--what a surprise! He told none of us. We knew it was going to happen, I guess it was just the principle that angered me and the lack of respect towards my 2 kids, especially. Our 12 y.o. was not allowed to sleep over with his father before they were married due to our divorce morality clause. On the very first night that he spent with them, my ex-husband left our 12 y.o. with her while he (my son) was in the shower. When I found out, I was mortified. I have not even met this woman other than seeing her through a car window and saying hello! When I called her and informed her that I had to meet her since she will be spending time with my son, she asked what I wanted to talk to her about. I informed her since she is,too, a mother, would she not want to meet the person who is spending time with her children? She did not answer me, but rather informed me that if the meeting was to be about my son, then she would like to bring along my ex (her new husband). She apparently had been informing my ex that she felt like we could be friends, but I cannot be friends with someone that I cannot trust. After all, she slept with him on their first meeting and knew that he was married with 2 kids! She seems to have the impression that all this is my problem and that she cannot understand why I feel the way that I do! I do not want to feel intimidated by her during this meeting and am now wondering what in the world am I going to talk about! Any help in this would be greatly appreciated!!

Why are they doing this to me?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/01/2012 - 5:51am.

I have been divorced for two and a half years. I was married for 32 years...we had two children together, who were both grown and married when we split up (started by myself with an affair, of whom I am with still). In the midst of our splitting up, one of our kids (adult and married with one of our two grandchildren) was diagnosed with a terminal cancer and he passed away 8 months after we split up and divorced. He had been sick for three and a half years. I have been ostercized by my other child and my son's wife and it is continually thrown in my face at grandkids birthday parties, christmas...they want me to "get along" with my ex and his wife, and be one big happy family. I am not ready for this...I cannot do this emotionally, nor do I want to. (My ex had a mental breakdown prior to our splitting up and was in the hospital and threatened to kill myself and our two grandchildren). I feared for my life and still do. He gives me the creeps, and now my daughter in law and daughter think he is just peachy and I am the one who is "the bad one". I cannot hardly see my son's daughter due to his wife being a control freak, it is almost like I divorced all of them, and am having a hard time being able to see my granddaughter, who is all I have left of my son now that he is gone. I am an emotional wreck, I am tired of being put on an emotional roller coaster and I am afraid it has just been putting a wedge between my grandkids and myself and my other adult child but I really am trying to protect myself from the emotional turmoil they put me through. I have moved 4 hours away to remove myself from the drama, I need some advice.....please help.....thanks....Trying to come to terms with losing my son and being ostrasized from my grandchild....

I think if a ex has an affair

Submitted by Maggiethecat (not verified) on Wed, 10/17/2012 - 9:22pm.

I think if a ex has an affair and marries that person, there is little chance of being friends. I expect to trust my friends, minimally. How could you trust a person who slept with another person's spouse? Plus, my ex is an ass and his new wife is like him. They have their life now after blowing mine up. We will never be friends!

A Bit Different

Submitted by CJ (not verified) on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 6:09pm.

I agree. I really don't care that she "took" my ex husband. She could have him before I ever walked out of the door. His sister-in-law warned me about marrying him and I chose not to listen. So, as I said, she could have him. What I can't get over is the fact that their relationship (and an anonymous phone call from one of them) disrupted the adoptive placement of a child I had raised for over two and a half years. "Taking" my husband wasn't the issue, causing me to lose my child was and is. How do you be friendly toward someone like that?

Being friends with your ex's new wife?

Submitted by My Turn Your Turn (not verified) on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 9:27am.

I know it is not always easy to do but you have to do whatever you can for the best interest of your children. If becoming friends with or at the very least being polite to your ex's new wife makes life easier for your children then you should try and befriend them. You want your children to feel comfortable going to dad's house and not feel like they are being disloyal to you because they want to go or even enjoy the company of the new wife.

If you are truly over him, who cares?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 09/27/2012 - 1:36pm.

As long as she is decent and respectful of issues with the kids, why bear a grudge? I could care less about my ex's new girlfriend. We were miserable together, and I feel lucky to be rid of him. Let HER deal with the Hyde in his Jeckyl and Hyde personality. I am trying to maintain a friendly tone to our relationship because my daughter is still in his life (he was her step father for 11 years). I think being able to be civil and open with the new partner is a big sign of much you have really moved on with the relationship. This may differ if the new girlfriend is an affair partner, or terrible to your kids, or deliberately unkind to you. I am on the other side of it where my boyfriend was in a long term marriage with his ex (near 30 years, married really young). She doesn't want to acknowledge that I exist. This from a woman who moved a friend of her husband in her house (as a boyfriend), and lived with both of them while married. She can have an open relationship and live in boyfriend while she is married to him, but he isn't allowed to have a girlfriend after they have been separated and divorced for seven years. It is crazy. She still thinks of him as hers in some bizarre way even though she wouldn't sleep with him for two decades. Their kid is grown, so I have never even met her, so there is no need for contact. I bear her no grudge. I try to be always open and kind when her daughter speaks about her. I would be as kind as possible to her if we ever did meet, and I would be happy to be her friend. I am not vested in resenting her the way she insists on resenting me (even though she does not know me). I know she has terrible insecurity, and I don't want to make things worse for her, so my plan is to stay away and let her be. My ex did totally right by her in terms of finances and spousal support. He willingly continued to help her. She is more set then 95% of the women I know. It is pretty surreal as this woman is fine monetarily, and completely protected and my boyfriend is SUPER kind to her. She rejected him, had numerous outside relationships, but can't acknowledge me because it makes her sad. In some way, she feels like she is the rejected partner and my existence is a commentary on her. I am a bit younger then her and I am pretty, so that means she is old and ugly and not desirable (never mind the fact that she wouldn't let her husband come near her and she rejected him). It is kind of funny because I am getting it from both ends. My ex's new girlfriend who I would willingly accept and be nice too won't talk to me because she is jealous! Never mind that my ex didn't touch me for the last five years of the relationship, and never really had much more interest in me then a friend, if we are really honest about it. But, she is insecure, and can't deal with the fact that I walked out on my ex and he tried to get me back (I was a meal ticket)! And, now the ex of my new guy won't acknowledge me. I just feel like telling them both to get over themselves and move on instead of making me an issue in their lives. My boyfriend and I are just trying to find a little happiness after a long history with two people who weren't capable of emotional and physical intimacy. We have a lovely friendship and love life and we are making long term plans. For the first time, we feel we are in a healthy relationship that is solid for us both. I hope both our ex spouses can find the same sort of happiness, and I think if they would let go of their needless jealousy, they more then anyone else would be better of for it. No one has done anything to either of them!

Divorce is a big deal and

Submitted by Maggiethecat (not verified) on Wed, 10/17/2012 - 9:28pm.

Divorce is a big deal and infidelity (and many people experience that) compounds a bad situation. I don't think people are over it that fast. My ex remarried days after our divorce after cheating on me for years. He pushed our divorce through and so there was no period of adjustment. I have not dated yet and he has a whole new family. If I had to be polite to the woman he married, the mistress, I would choke.

Relationship with the ex wife or ex husband

Submitted by Guest Ramesh C. Gupta, M.D (not verified) on Mon, 09/03/2012 - 7:55am.

Second marriages: If there are no children involved, leave the ex wife or ex husband to their own exclusive future and no one should ever look back for regrets, blames, or guilt. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone has a right to live a life free from interpersonal anger. This interpersonal anger can cause many autoimmune diseases. The Bible said that anyone looking backwards will become a pillar of salt or a victim of autoimmune diseases. Now if there are children involved then the two or more people should respect one another with honor because they did have some moments of love together. Love is always a sovereign bond between any two people and it should be honored and kept in the back of the mind in that way. The God, whom we also call Love, Was present in that bond of Love no matter how short was that journey. Life is to be meant to go forward with new feelings of love, honesty and a sacred relationship précised one again, by our God as our witness. Ramesh.

new wife

Submitted by Linda (not verified) on Fri, 07/27/2012 - 1:44pm.

I have been divorced for 30 years after having been married for 20. My ex married one of the women he cheated with 28 years ago and they seem to be very happy. I am cordial to them but she wants to be my friend. She has made some of my friends her friends and she constantly invades my life. Why? I simply do not understand this. I don't want to be her friend. I see them only at my grandchildren's activities but she seems to know everything I do outside of those activities and is intent on talking about my life and telling me how I should live my life. What is her problem; I just don't get it. What should I do?

You can change her behavior

Submitted by Joyce (not verified) on Sun, 10/07/2012 - 3:27am.

You can change her behavior by fear. She doesn't fear you. That's why she feels free to behave the way she does. You need to turn the tables. My ex's soon-to-be wife (he was sleeping with her when we were married) fears me because she perceives that I have power. You ex-husbands wife needs to percieve that you have power as well. You need to treat this woman as an enemy who is invading your life. She must be taught that bad behavior will result in a bad outcome. I suggest you read the book "The 48 Laws of Power". The book has been out for over ten years and I have read and reread it. It has helped me in my business and during my divorce. Since my divorce was final last summer I have already established the boundaries for her and my ex-husband. For example, she is not invited to my son's wedding next year. My ex is expected to show up. But she cannot attend. Harsh? Yes. In fact, she foolishly challenged me by saying that "I have no control over her not coming to the wedding". She was, of course, mistaken. From the 48 Laws of Power Law 5 So Much Depends on Reputation – Guard it with your Life Reputation is the cornerstone of power. Through reputation alone you can intimidate and win; once you slip, however, you are vulnerable, and will be attacked on all sides. Make your reputation unassailable. Always be alert to potential attacks and thwart them before they happen. Meanwhile, learn to destroy your enemies by opening holes in their own reputations. Then stand aside and let public opinion hang them. Control the Options: Get Others to Play with the Cards you Deal The best deceptions are the ones that seem to give the other person a choice: Your victims feel they are in control, but are actually your puppets. Give people options that come out in your favor whichever one they choose. Force them to make choices between the lesser of two evils, both of which serve your purpose. Put them on the horns of a dilemma: They are gored wherever they turn.

You rock am looking for that

Submitted by Maggiethecat (not verified) on Wed, 10/17/2012 - 9:13pm.

You rock am looking for that book tomorrow - no way should she attend your son's wedding!

Understanding

Submitted by Chispo (not verified) on Sun, 08/05/2012 - 11:05pm.

In life theirs always a lesson to learn until we face it. The problem or lesson return(s). They may be something in you or of you that can't make her or yourself a better person. Ill say protect your bubble, grow positive, & allow your inner voice to speak. Prement the thought to process of the conversation.

I have been divorced 3 years

Submitted by julzie13 (not verified) on Tue, 07/24/2012 - 4:05pm.

I have been divorced 3 years now. My ex married one of the women he cheated with, less than 2 months after it was final. I despised her. To say we were anything less than enemies was an understatement. She was not allowed to be around my children by herself. She was not allowed to step foot out of the vehicle during pick up and drop offs. She was not allowed to speak to my children over the phone. He kept saying, "Why can't we all get a long?!" So one day, we did. I still can not have a discussion with him without it involving yelling from one or both parties. He is a very controlling and impatient person. But I can talk with her. It started with just discussing my children. We are now friends. We have gone out together, stayed at each others house, chat on the phone, text, the whole bit! She stays out of the disagreements between me and my ex. I'm sure he vents to her about them, but she never brings them up with me. I know she loves my children and I am thankful that she wants to be such a huge part of my children's lives. They do not live close, so they do not get to spend as much time with them. She makes sure gifts are sent for them, phone calls are made, checks are mailed, she makes sure that if I'm not able to provide certain things for them, that they do what they can, etc. And I know that when my children do go to spend time with them, they are taken care of.

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Interactions with the Other Non Father Co Parent

Submitted by Not Quite A Step Mom (not verified) on Sun, 06/03/2012 - 10:31pm.

Speaking as the person who was spoken to by the mother/first wife and knowing my words might not be appreciated, I'd like to high light a point of view that would be helpful perhaps. In the case of my now boyfriend, his ex wife walked away. She allowed her eldest daughter to live with her father since the daughter is a teenager and requested it. Upon the first meeting, she reminded me I was not the mother and tried to dictate how the rules would be in my household for her daughter. Let me tell you, there is no amiable way to have that conversation. The other person, the step parent, is NOT required to bow to your dicatates as a first wife. It's hardly fair that we end up acting as an invisible parent/support/financial provider/caretaker of a child that uses our resources such as compassion and understanding and kindness and courtesy among other things towards someone who is hurting and too immature to appreciate the support (the child) as well as being expected to acknowledge the first wife's position. Boundaries certainly need to be addressed, yes, but for women like me who end up supporting a financially crippled individual as well as providing for another woman's child/children, I find it very hard to meet the first wife on common ground. The argument of what is in the best intrests of the child hardly holds water when the best interests of the child would have been the original family prior to blending, the the divorce. Of course, for first wives whose husband walked away that is not a valid statement. However, there are plenty of first wives who also walked away for their own reasons and it is for those that I reserve my words. However wronged you might feel, however unfair the situation is, it is not the second wife/girlfriend/stepmother's fault for the situation that the actions of a first wife and or husband brought about in the majority of the cases. An individual should not have to give up her goals and home and boundaries just because you were a first wife. The second person is just as important as the first person. We are all humans deserving of respect, courtesy, and the pursuit of our own happiness. Don't expect the second person to give up their needs and wants to appease your own. It's not fair to them. Invisible the stepmother might be by the legal system, but humanely she is as legitimate as the first wife with her needs, emotions, and psyche.

hardly fair?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 06/08/2012 - 2:23pm.

I don't believe she is making you give up your goals or pursuit of happiness. It's your own personal choice to date a divorced, financially crippled man with a teenage daughter. Make the best of your relationship with him and try to emotionally help that child. Just don't step over the boundaries set and you are not obligated to "financially/caretake/support" someone else's child, especially if you feel it's restraining your own humanity and dreams. You are free to make alternate choices. A responsible mother by no means expects anyone else other than herself and the father (if he does/is around/etc) to support/educate the child they produced. Further, this particular mother, as I would, expects that you don't push your boundaries of 'visitor' in the child's life (as it happens all the time). Also, we expect the you respect our legal and god-given right of mother to said child and to not usurp or prented to be such. You are invisible to the legal system because you are not a parent to the child. Your place is his girlfriend/wife and mother to your own (when you have them). Obligations, structure, rules, everything is on the natural father and the natural mother. There is no common ground, because you will never be on the same ground as the natural mother. When you have your own children you will understand.

I like how you state 'a

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 10/20/2012 - 7:54pm.

I like how you state 'a responsible' mother wouldn't want the other parent to provide financially...I have learned by experience that is not the case. Some ex-wives only want the step-mother thereto their own personal convenience I.e pick up kids on time so they can party but don't want you to attend child birthday parties, step-mother to pay done child support because she's married to her ex but doesn't want to work full-time. It's ridiculious. Redgardless of the situation, these mothers are the ones who are responsible for their own actions which their children will see. Putting blame and trying to play both sides is uncalled for.

Helpful response

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 2:47pm.

Dear Hardly fair? Thank you for your helpful response. As the ex-wife who has not met the girlfriend who moved in with my ex-husband almost a year ago and essentially my child, who spends half the week at his home and half at mine, I want to say your response is spot on. He and I are the parents and we have the legal contract. Know those boundaries. Not only do I have experience as the mother in this situation, I have also been on the other side - the second wife of a man who already had children. I for one did not make it my business to attempt to parent or replace the mother who was still very much a part of their lives. I also tried very hard not to get sucked into the battles between he and the first wife.

friend's with the new wife

Submitted by Jessica (not verified) on Mon, 04/16/2012 - 11:36am.

I deivorced from my ex-husband 5 years ago. I have had a series of bad relationships and remain single. He however had a new girlfriend within 6 months of us seperating and they just recently got married. I have bent over backwards so that my ex can see his twin sons but he remains secretive about the wife. I have never met this woman face to face and don't necessarily have anything against her BUT when she is caring for my children I would like to know her. Do I have the right to ask for that in court? I am in KY by the way.

One thing i deliberate

Submitted by Violet (not verified) on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 7:40pm.

One thing i deliberate inernally is whether it is actually a good idea to pretend and fake for the sake of my children. They are not stupid, and a part of me thinks that it is fine for them to know that i can't stand this woman, she irritates me, and i wish she would move to mars. It is a part of life to be human, have feelings, and not like every person on this planet. Why lie about this to my kids?

I'm not there and won't be

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 03/06/2012 - 1:00pm.

I'm not there and won't be for a very very long time. My ex flaunted his old/new girlfriend around family, friends, church, coworkers while living in our house while we were going through our divorce. Sorry I'm not the one, there is no friendship or respect for either one of them, so I'd rather stay away from anything that they are involved with. I make sure his kids are taken care of and he gets them when he is suppose to, but we will never be one big happy family.

flaunted is an understament

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 03/10/2012 - 1:00am.

I just read your comment and thought to my self .... wow, there is a twin to my husband out there. The now GIRLFRIEND almost lives in my old home with him and my kids and I only moved out in December. She is our former babysitter and is 18 years younger than him and 21 years younger than me ( our oldest child is 10 yrs her jr). The most recent time is three days ago when he shows up to my sons baseball meeting with her and her son. The first time was on mothers day last year when i was out of town and he took her and our kids out to eat...among many other items he has done with her in public... What the heck! Idiot! My kids are in the middle of his childish behavior... not sure how to not be confrontational...

wow ... so similar

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 07/14/2012 - 8:36pm.

Flaunt - your situation mirrors mine.... we were married for 18+ years -had kids laters - they are 11/12. He always eyed younger girls but I never thought he'd act on it.... after we sepearted he met the GF she was 20 - he 40 .... he lied to me but flaunted her other places including work which was with some of my family. She has no kids - and a child her self & she's a nasty b*^%( by all accounts. She fakes 'nice' with me... but sends nasty texts / emails.... I REFUSE to fake it/ sugar coat it... she repulses me and I make no attempt to hide that. It annoys me that he sets her to to make contact with me about our girls - school stuff etc.... HE is their father and HE is who I will deal with in regard to our children. I would never ask my boyfriend to contact their dad about them .. but my ex is a narcacisst jerk and does it on purpose because he knows I don't want to deal with her ... heck she's just a child herself! They now live on my property and when my kid go there they 'play' with her like a sister ... make friendship bracelets, paint nails. compare hair styles... I hope I am not doing more harm than good (i worry) but there is NO WAY I could be friends with her - there has been too much done on her part to spite me .... bad enough i have to deal with him but that I will do for my kids ... her NO... and if he respected his kids he would stop forcing her on me - but he won't. I keep to myself and never instigate however I defend myself when she starts her crap. Some may disagree but I also beleive it honesty & don't want my kids thinking they have to hide their emotions and how they feel. They know I am OK with them 'liking' her - she's young and fun. But they also know I will most likely never 'like' her... she has exposed my kids to things they should not see or deal with.. given them very bad advice - like not wearing thier seatbelt because her dad almost died from it... so i have no respect for her. things have mellowed and it's more hair/nails stuff now .. but in the beginning they were partying like college kids with my KIds... anyway my point - I don't like her , won't fake it but also don't instigate - just avoid them at school things etc...

I wouldn't stoop to their

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 04/27/2012 - 12:49pm.

I wouldn't stoop to their level, my ex try to be civil with me but I have no love for him and there is definitely no friendship with her or him. They only exist to me when it's time for him to have my girls. I've read that the majority of women who divorce are much happier than men that have divorced. Some men even remarry within 3 years of their divorce which will be the case for my ex, because he doesn't want to be alone. The foundation of their relationship is already rocking for your and mines, I'd rather be alone for a long time than to just jump into another unhealthy, toxic relationship. The men will both cheat on their new victims lol but rest assured they'll try to come back lol

I think a lot of people are

Submitted by Amber (not verified) on Fri, 02/10/2012 - 5:05am.

I think a lot of people are friends with their ex's new wives and sometimes it works out and other times it doesn't. It could be good to give it a try though if there are kids involved.

The kids are the most important thing in a divorce so if it is luck or skill, the parents can get along with new spouses then things for the kids might work out better.

The new wife.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/25/2012 - 3:04pm.

My situation is similar to what most have commented to, I have joint custody with my ex-husband and they keep everything from me, always staying one step ahead to get the information before me. As fas as the new wife goes (we have been divorced 2 years) she is completely rude and disrepectful to me at all times. But then she will contact me regarding things with the children. I have communication with my ex-husband via email on an almost daily basis (I know excessive) and then she will text or write post-it notes to me as well. I feel like this is excessive. Do I really have to communicate with both of them? Shouldn't they discuss things and then my ex-husband email me regarding it? Just yesterday I received 3 text messages from her, a written note and my ex-husband emailed me regarding 3 different things.

That is crazy - they are

Submitted by Maggiethecat (not verified) on Wed, 10/17/2012 - 9:19pm.

That is crazy - they are ganging up on you because you are the single parent. If I were in your situation, I would create a calendar of the kids' regular events on line - there must be some safe way to do this. Everyone amends the calendar as necessary and he contacts you if there is a problem. Or you contact him she is over-stepping and should not be contacting you, ESP if you feel u comfortable!

Friends with ex's new wife

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 01/21/2012 - 1:26pm.

I do have a lot of bad feelings towards the woman with whom my soon-to-be-ex-husband is having a relationship. She pursued him - on Facebook. She is going through her own divorce after leaving her own husband. I saw some of her sext messages, which is how I found out about the affair. The crazy part is that although he says he loves her, they are 700 miles apart. He had also hidden debt for years - which all came out this last year. I have been a stay-at-home mom for many years. I am trying to be a good example for my three children, as I have gone back to work, back to school, and try my best to parent them well. My ex has sort of checked out in regards to the kids emotionally. I am trying to keep things as positive as possible, and as flexible as possible. He hopes to move closer to her at some point, while I won't until I am finished school, and then only if it makes sense for my children. At almost 44 years old, I worry about achieving long-term financial stability for myself and the children. -I know that down the road, I will have to deal with this other woman/possible new wife - but my life is so busy now and filled with obligations and worry about doing things well for myself and my kids, that I am rather happy to be able to avoid dealing with her until I have to...and hopefully by then, I will have moved on enough to be a rational, polite adult in situations where we have to mix.

i really love all of the

Submitted by Lesllie (not verified) on Thu, 01/12/2012 - 1:57pm.

i really love all of the advice on this page. i am recently divorced. a week tomorrow. The woman who my ex left me for was a friend of mine and co-worker. I also wok for my in-laws. They have taken steps so i do not have to see her at work. i have not talked to her since i found out. I feel enraged and betrayed. I dont want her around my children, but dont have a choice because their father lives with her now. Has anyone been in a situation like this? I have been as civil as possible. How do i get past the feelings of betrayal? Do I talk to her and tell her how I feel? And if I do what if i loose my cool with her? I dont want a screaming match but the thought of them together makes me so upset. any advice would be welcome.

A dad here

Submitted by David (not verified) on Wed, 04/04/2012 - 9:25am.

Did you find a solution to your feelings of betrayal? I am now married to an ex friend of my ex. I know it may not have been the 'smartest' decision, but we really do not choose who we fall in love with. Contrary to what peoria believe, there was never any cheating. We connected afterwards, but I suspect we both knew there was a special bond prior to getting together. I just looked at it like my guy friends who I connect with. I do accept responsibility for my exes hurt feelings. But it's been three years and it is what it is. It may sound crass, but I'm Being straight-forward and honest. My ex feels betrayed. She also does not want our children around my wife. She accepts that she can't stop that, but she FORBIDS them to ever be alone with her. Even to run to store or stay at the house if I run to the store. The kids constantly try to get these two to talk. I don't see it happening. Now they are of the age when sports and school activities are getting ready to start. I have a sick feeling in my stomach whenever I think of it. I'm sure the kids feel this. How can I get everyone to be civil? It's fine because they don't see each other yet, but the states at drop off and pick up or the upcoming events are going to be torturous. My kids deserve better than this. I thought accepting responsibility for everything that went wrong in our relationship would help matters, but it hasn't. Help me. Please!

It is VERY Possible for exes to be Friends

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 01/03/2012 - 2:09am.

I was married for 16 years and we had one daughter. When my husband left with his girlfriend, our daughter was going on 14-years old. None of us talked for about five years. Not even my daughter and her dad. I have since remarried. I actually met my ex-husband when I met my present husband. They grew up together, but when I came into the picture, we all three had become friends. So, in a sense, I married my best-friend who just happened to be my exes best-friend also. My exes family still claim me as family, as I do them. About a year and a half ago, my daughter and I threw in the towel and made the first move open the door to her dad and his now wife (the woman he ran off with). We even moved out of state to be closer to them. Now, my family lives six doors down from my daughter's dad and step-mom. We all couldn't be happier. We're all the best of friends and get along very well. The way we all look at it, the past is the past and needs to remain there. We are all so much happier and my daughter is now 21-years-old and she is loving it that we all get along so great. But we are with the ones we should have been with and in healthier marriages and couldn't love our spouses anymore then we do. Though we have only known for one relative (exes aunt by marriage), to think it is sick that we all get along. The rest of all the families support us and says if it works for us then it's our business, not anyone's else. I also have an aunt that is friends with one of her ex-husbands, even though my cousin is an adult now. So, I don't see why it's a problem, I just think it's how willing the exes are to letting the past be just that, the past. Maybe my family and I are one of the lucky ones.

my new wife and ex

Submitted by rdp (not verified) on Mon, 08/29/2011 - 3:16pm.

I have 2 children with my ex, we never married. I have one child with my new wife, the love of my life. Threee years ago, I encouraged my wife to go have a drink with ex and hash things out. My new wife is a free spirit and will befriend anyone. They are now best friends. I am not with my ex for many reasons, mainly never loved her and she did many things (bad mom) that scored me. She is now a good mom and I am excited about that, however i dont want her in my life more than nessacery. I would invite her to family functions, football games, ect. When ex got out of rehab she had no friends, no true friends. So at that point I prefered her to call on my wife rather than what she thought were friends, these people were addicts, single party goers. I did not want her to rely on those people. I wanted the best for her and I knew that would help my children, which I have 50/50 custody over. Times got ruff finacily and I began to work alot being self employed and in construction. Admitedly I lost site of what my responsibilities were and put way to much on my new wife. They grew closer, i faught it but never told my wife no, I to this day never tell her no. I never have had a problem with them doing things together with the children. It has grown much further than that now. They go to beach together, wife stays at ex's house, they go to parades, out, they talk about everything. i have told my wife numerous times not to discuss our problems, me or even the good stuff with her. Ex does not need to be in our life like this. My wife still slips up from time to time. She talks about her problems with ex, which allows ex a window into our life. Me and ex fight still, not much. We fight mainly over this subject. My wife argues that this is best for children. I agree that them being able to get along, be friends to an extent, us all being able to interact is great for kids. I do not see how them being best friends is good for anyone but them. My 7year daughter has told me she doesnt like when they are alone, she says it just doesnt feel right, I can relate. my ex threatens me with court from time to time and when we fight or argue I now can't talk to my wife about anything due to their friendship. Me and my wife are on the verge of divorce now. We love one another but can't come to common ground. this past weekend my wife went to sons bday party on ex side. I had forgot the dte. Ex called wife told her, wife didnt tell me or ask me to go. I found out later and was irrate. My ex mother and wife or friends now and my wife has brought ex to her friends house. I am not allowe at her friends house, they dont like me. She use to call me or text me before she would visit, now nothing, its so secretive which is making it harder. I acknowledged I may have deeper rooted issues with ex and agrred to explore these issues. My wife will not explore them with me. While I am going thru this process nothing has changed and their friendship just grows. I have asked ex to leave my wife alone. Now my wife refuses to change this and I know she is willing to lose our marrige over their friendship. I do believe it is over principal and not due to her caring for ex more, however it is irrelivant, still hurts just the same. Wife ask me why is it bad for them to be friends, i cannot explain why, I am at a lost of words. Do I have the problem? Is it me? If so should that matter? When it comes to a marrige and this topic shouldnt my wife stand by me anyways? Honestly, I would love for them to be able to remain friends, limited due to our situation, however it has been pushed so much now I am to the point that I dont want them to ever talk again. I know this wont happen but it is how I feel now. When these scenerio happen it causes me to grow more bitter towards ex rather than wife when I know it is my wife in the drivers seat, not ex. This is causing extreme problems with me and ex and now I dont want to do anything with ex, bday parties, get togethers, ect. Now this is not good for kids. Please help, any advise or just similar situations would be great. D-

outlook.

Submitted by Liberty (not verified) on Mon, 11/07/2011 - 11:49pm.

I am not sure if this is still an issue, it has been 3 months but I am guessing so. You said your wife is in the drivers seat but you are resentful to your ex. Many men when they are done with relationships or women they just want them to be gone. You are "done" witth your ex and in your male mind expect her to be gone because you did not TRUELY love her. You never married her because you never really loved her but you remained sleeping with her and even impregnanted her twice. You have called your new wife the love of your life. You feel a gult about this and while most men can have thier, with all respect, selfish actions with woman out of sight and out of mind. Your ex wife has befriended her and given her a power in your life. You may be afriad that your current wife will someday see this and be turned off by how you may have done this to her now friend. The only thing is the fact that you are not just pleased and letting this situation flow like your current wife is, may tell your current wife that she would be correct n her assessment. These two women are friends because of the children and you seem to be putting your "uncomfortability" ahead of getting along and love that is shared from all. Your resentment to your ex is insecure and especially so because she had two of your children and remains positive and even is secure enough to be able to be friends with your wife. She sounds like a fabulous woman and should be validated and appreciated as such. This beautiful woman had your children and your new wife can see her for the good human being she is and lifegiver. Why can you not. GUILT, sorry. Therapy is always good for growing and embracing changes and situations.

I agree..to a point

Submitted by kells (not verified) on Wed, 07/13/2011 - 1:17pm.

My ex-husband will be soon marrying the woman with whom he cheated. It hurts a LOT, and we have two young children who are confused by the speed (he was dating her seriously within a month of my filing...). As much as I would like to rise above the nastiness from my ex (and the subsequent treatment from his wife - who only know what he and his family have told them), I take great issue with her wanting to take over as mother to our children (she, he, and various family members refer to her as the kids' "new mom"..in addition, she has slept with our kids and voiced her opinions on the visitation arrangements (and the fairness of it all). With the contempt from that side, it is quite difficult to have a conversation with either of them, so I try to avoid them as much as possible (as they do me - we stay on opposite sides of rooms for parties, etc - which, may I add, is their choice, as they typically arrive late to everything). When they mob our children, I stand back and wait my turn to congratulate/talk/whatever. What good does it do to fight? I can only hope that, while I cannot project the most positive image right now, I can at least give my children a graceful option of handling a difficult situation. I can only hope that, in time, we can come to some sort of cordial co-existence. Although, on the bright side, graduations, birthdays, etc don't happen all that often! :)

My life exactly. Controlling

Submitted by Violet (not verified) on Tue, 04/03/2012 - 7:34pm.

My life exactly. Controlling know it all new wife, who claims she loves my children as if they were her own (forgetting that they aren't), who writes me emails about how i should improve myself. I find great comfort in knowing that people dig their own holes. She will eventually alienate, i need not move a finger to make that happen.

She's fine...it's him that's acting weird!

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 12/17/2010 - 10:32pm.

I am so glad to read that other people have been able to maintain relationships with their ex's. When my ex and I separated it was heart wrenching and devastating. But I have moved on since. He cheated on me and has had several other girlfriends since we've been apart. One he was quite serious about and was even engaged to. We hit if off the second time we met, and though they broke up we remain friends. His new girlfriend is someone I knew prior to them dating. We've never been close, but always got along well enough. And I think we still do. However, since dating her (she is 19 years younger than him) he has begun acting weird around me. Jumpy, figity, absent minded, and sort of flighty. I asked him if everything was ok, and he said he thought it was but that his new girlfriend had also mentioned that he acts strange around me. So what is up with that? He wonders if he is just adjusting to the 'new' normal. On a different note, it's been two years, and I feel like I have managed my emotions and emotional welfare well...up till now. Now I feel angry and sometimes bitter. Now I feel outraged about his treatment of me. Now I'd like to yell and scream at him! I won't, but it's there....making me uncomfortable! And I would like to continue to foster friendship with him and his girlfriend. We decided early on that it was a priority to maintain friendly relationships for our boys. I really miss his friendship. I am in a new relationship and very happy and content. I also genuinely enjoyed being friends with my now ex. It's hard to reconcile it all. Any tips? Also, this is the first year without my kids for christmas. I am making plans, etc, but it's still leaving me feeling a bit blue.

Here's the problem. The new

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 10/02/2010 - 9:27am.

Here's the problem. The new wife is a control freak. I can't communicate with my ex without going through her. My kids can't communicate with their dad without going through her. She doesn't know her place and honestly I think she is one of those women who verbally, possibly physically abuse their husband. My only recourse is to stay the heck away. In a perfect world if the new wife was a SANE person, I would say sure it could work. But in my case, it isn't going to happen. =(

I am in the same boat! His

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 01/14/2012 - 10:11pm.

I am in the same boat! His new girlfriend thinks she controls everything! She sticks her nose into our business. I cannot talk to my ex at all. There is absolutely no communication whatsoever because whatever we talk about has to go thru her first before he can make a decision! He has definately lost his manhood with this woman! I believe she is bipolar and verbally abusive, but he won't admit it. He has her roof over his head and no where to go of he loses her. Very very sad state to be in for someone who used to be stong.

another sinking boat ..

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 07/14/2012 - 8:57pm.

same her his child like girlfriend is so controlling & tries to contact me about our children - who were born bEFORE she hit puberty.... anyway I made it clear all communication will between dad and I... so she texts/emails from his phone or account. I know it's her because the spelling is correct (he cant spell) ... but as long she is pretending to be him I deal because otherwise he could take me to court saying i am not communicating with him ... because it's on his account. but i just wish they would be more normal and let the parents deal with the kids - my boyfriend who is very close with my kids NEVER contacts their dad or would ever dream of it - he respects that they are our children and WE (ex & I) should deal with them. He never butts in at pick up/ drop off etc ... but the new girlfriend always has to butt in act all nice .. then will send a nasty email or text to me ... I guess thats what you get when you deal with a child tyring to act like a grown up... (she's 22 - ex is 42)

For the kids sake I think

Submitted by get over breakup (not verified) on Thu, 07/29/2010 - 2:12pm.

For the kids sake I think it's better to look at your ex as a person you've shared your genes. You may not like your ex it may be an ugly divorce but the is one fact that won't change and that is you've shared your genes with someone you hate. So both parties must forget their differences and focus on children

Take baby steps first and leaps will soon follow.

Submitted by Free (not verified) on Thu, 02/18/2010 - 2:04pm.

I just want to respond as the "fresh" new ex-wife. My ex-husband and I divorced 2 days ago and we DO NOT get along at all. However, his girlfriend seems to have more sense than him so I'd rather deal with her and not him. He left me for her and I was devestated beyond reproach, but I had to learn that sometimes thats just the ways life is and that it won't always be like that. I CHOSE to have a relationship with his girlfriend by inviting her to come pick up our daughter or calling her to make sure she can be available for my daughter and she is willing. Sometimes ladies you just have to let go of your past! TRUST ME...............I know it hurts and you may feel that its unfair, but you have to choose to be happy and continue your life. I am so much happier, focused and relieved in a sense than I ever was during my 5 year marriage. Friendship probably will never be there and I told her that and she understood, simply because she knew that he was married when they started messing around. However, a cordial relationship can be formed for the sake and balance of your child, trust me they will love you for in the end.

Friends with Ex's new wife

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 04/05/2009 - 5:30pm.

When my ex and I were in the process of divorcing after 13 years of marriage, we were very sad about losing the friendship we once had with each other. We decided we needed a way to get back to the friendship even if we divorced. We still liked each other although we didn't like living together. We switched our marriage counseling to divorce counseling and our therapist helped us to get over the anger we had for each other. We were able to reconnect to our friendship which we both valued. I believe she was an excellent therapist. After our divorce, my ex and I communicated once in awhile just to be sure we were each doing well. He called me the first time he went on a date to inform me that he had seen one of my collegues. He didn't want me to be faced with rumors or mean comments from that person. I appreciated that. When he chose to re-marry, he informed his girlfriend of our friendship and told her he wanted it to continue. She agreed to meet me, which was difficult probably for both of us, however we liked each other. My ex also called me the day his son was born. We continued our friendship and his wife and I slowly began to be friends as well. We only see each other a couple times a year for coffee, and I was even invited to their son's sporting events and concerts. It is 22 years later and I appreciate their friendship. We are more than civil with each other, we learned to be friends. I am always saddened when I hear others talk angrily about their ex's. I can see the vile that is eating them up from inside. I believe that the energy we waste on hate and jealousy, in the end harms us more than the object of our hate and jealousy. Some of my friends and family think I'm weird for carrying on this friendship. Some have called our relationship sick. At this point in my life, 60 years young, I have decided not to worry about what others think. I have been happy, with my life since the divorce. I don't get choked up, angry or resentful each time I happen to run into them in public. We don't have to change directions, or plans in order to avoid each other, which is good in a small town. I feel that I am much healthier than others who cannot or will not make amends with their ex's. Life is too short, and the more good feelings we put out into the world the more good feelings come back into our own.

Friend's with X's new wife

Submitted by LouToo (not verified) on Sat, 10/03/2009 - 6:56pm.

Can we re-phrase it: Friend's with new or old ex-husband's next wife. Let's keep things fresh for all us first wives. The only thing new for us is the ex part. Let's change the language.

:)

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 04/06/2009 - 1:41pm.

"Life is too short, and the more good feelings we put out into the world, the more good feelings come back into our own" Very, very true... :) But unfortunately, there are some without that wisdom :( Sometimes it may even encourage those that are jealous, to be even more so because we have that ability.

Can You Be Friends With Your Ex's New Wife?

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