A Blended Family Wedding

A Blended Family Wedding

Create a day of celebration, not chaos

Posted to Resource Articles by Dr. Jeannette Lofas on Fri, 06/20/2008 - 8:48am

Weddings are always emotional. When we add divorced parents to the celebration, the day can become especially stressful, if not completely explosive.

It does not have to be!

Here’s how I handle the hundreds of marrying couples we have counseled: We enroll the parents as to their responsibility for making this a happy day for the new couple. Sure, complaints come flying at us: “my new family has to sit in the third row, my new partner is not invited, the stepfather is giving way the bride,” and more and more. We enroll the couple to carefully plan all aspects of parental participation. Any problems, and there usually are some, are brought to us and we will mediate to an outcome.

Should you be managing this on your own, here a few suggestions for success.

• First take a look at the etiquette books. They are now discussing this issue.

• All arrangements must be worked out beforehand by the couple.

• Plan, plan, plan — the three most important words before the ceremony.

• No mater how much animosity, parents must agree to be civil.

• Talk with them. Get their agreement. (Pray they will keep it).

• Make sure mom, dad, stepmother and stepfather, if you are blessed with all, are properly introduced. The younger person is always presented to the older.

• Enroll a companion (baby sitter) for each potentially disruptive parent. It could be the Best Man or the Maid of Honor. They will not be sitting at the parent’s table, but they are told to make sure the people they are assigned to are take care of. Make sure mom has someone to dance with and perhaps even greet her at the door.

Do all the negotiating and getting of agreements as far in advance as possible. Reinforce the positive.

Remember for the happy couple this is the beginning of something wonderful. But for the left spouse/parent the child’s leaving is a reminder of the divorce and loss. It’s hard.

There are many predictable, negative surprises that go on at all rituals in which stepfamily members participate. Many are natural negative dynamics and behaviors. Read up on stepfamily behavior. IT’S DIFFERENT AND PERPLEXING, until you know what to expect.

 

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