7 Steps to Combat Parental Alienation

part 2 of 2

Posted to Resource Articles by Amy J. L. Baker on Wed, 06/24/2009 - 7:07pm

Parental alienation can feel like a hopeless situation. When you find yourself cut off from your child because of your ex's manipluation, you can't help but wonder: "Will I ever reunite with my 'lost' child?"

Don't despair. You can regain a loving relationship with your child. In this second installment of my exclusive firstwivesword series on parental alienation, you'll get tools to navigate this challenging process.

Your patience and understanding will help your child see what is going on — eventually. In the meantime, you have to be strong and persistent. That doesn't mean simply waiting for that magical "a-ha" moment. Instead, take these important steps:

1. Don't take the bait. Your child may often come to you filled with accusations and anger. If you try to debate every petty flare up, you will only fuel the contentious flames. Avoid small battles and focus on building memorable moments together. If your child levels serious charges that you can counter — proof, for example, that you didn't steal the college fund — offer to show him documentation, but ONLY if you are asked.

2. Hold yourself to the highest standard of conduct. Manage your anger. Pay your bills. And follow the law. Don't give your ex anything that can be used against you by either your kids or the courts. Imagine that you are being videotaped and behave accordingly. Sure, it's unfair that your ex gets to bend — even break — the rules and still receive your child's glowing praises. But you need to focus on your ultimate goal: A loving and healthy relationship with your child.

3. Don't blame your kid. S/he is a victim too. Children who become detached from a parent because of parental alienation are affected into adulthood. It might feel convenient, for the moment, to channel your rage and frustration at your child. After all, s/he is contributing to your unhappiness. But remind yourself that your ex is really the one to blame. Your child is caught in the middle of a terrible struggle and doesn't really mean the terrible things s/he is saying about you or doing to you.

4. Show that you're different from your ex's portrayal. Is your ex implying that you are unsafe, unavailable, and unloving? Contradict him by your actions and be safe, loving, and available. This is a perfect example of the old maxim, "Actions speak louder than words."

5. Stick to your schedule. Carry out the plans you've made with your child, even if you think s/he will not be made available. The one time you are late or don't show up will be when your kids are waiting or your ex can have "proof" of your apparent lack of interest in the children.

6. Assemble a team. Legal and mental health professionals who understand your situation need to be at the ready. Be sure they are well versed in parental alienation and can advocate for the best interests of you and your child.

7. Say "I love you." As often as possible, let your children know you care about them. They need to hear you say that you want them in your life. And they need constant assurances that your love is unconditional. Text, e-mail, IM, or leave voice messages on a regular basis. It may help to think of your children as lost in a forest of alienation. Your little messages of love are the trail of bread crumbs leading them back to you. They need to know that you will love and forgive them — no matter what.

Check out Part One of the series: 5 signs Your Ex is Turning Your Child Against You

Click the following for more articles and videos on Kids, Family, And Divorce

Comments

Parent Alienation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 01/25/2013 - 5:47pm.

I live in Aberta. Canada and this is my story... We had been together 23 yrs....In 2011 my ex started a new job. He met a woman and told me about her saying she was in a bad relationship and had few friends. Said he would like us to get to know her .. gut feelings started then, he had cheated on my before. He brought her and her 2 young kids to our home and I met her she, he brought her to become friends wow. I started watching his cell bill and saw that he was calling and texting her 30 plus time a day, that was just out going. I knew then he was having an affair. She tossed her husband out in Oct 2011 and by the end of Jan 2012 he told me to get out. I ask her to her face if she was having an affair with my husband, she hugged me said no we are just friends he thinks of me as one of the guys and I do not have feelings for him at all other than friends, needless to say I did not believe that load of s***. So when he told me to get out he told me he had already been talking to our then 15 yr old daughter and she was fine with it. I said we should have both talked to her that is so wrong. He said to bad.I have no idea what he said to her and she would not say. During the time it took to get the house ready for sale we found a paralegal to draw up a separation agreement, he turned out to be a nut bar and I said I didn't want to use him, the ex said we were using him hes cheap. Long story short they bullied me into signing an agreement I was not comfy with. My ex is very controlling his way or no way. He controlled with mental abuse manipulation and threats. He has a explosive temper and freaks out so bad all the time both my daughter and I are afraid of him. The whole time our daughter stayed in her room avoiding the now very harsh abuse and fights. He went after her so bad one day she was crying so hard she came to me told me she does not want to live with her dad he was such a jerk, but she wanted to stay in her school and did not want to lose her friends. She is ADD and had been in 4 schools already to help her and this one was her last school before graduating. I could not bring myself to move her so agreed to her staying with her dad for school as long as they lived by the school. Told her if she ever needed to get out my door was open and we would work something out. We cried and hugged each other like we didn't want to let go and I told her how much I loved her and how sorry I was that this was happening she told me she loved me so much. I can not afford to live on my own so I moved back with my dad who is old in bad health and needs someone to help out. They were to live with his mom or get a place close to the school. I wish I had never agreed to that. With in a week of spiting he moved in with his girlfriend and her 2 kids from work who lives over 45 min from from her school and left our daughter to live with his mom. She had been in on the plan from the get go. To this day they all deny that he is living with his girlfriend. Funny he was served divorce papers at her place at 6 am on a week day on his time with our daughter. I had been friends with his mom from the start she told me she loved me like the daughter she never had I was her best friend only friend and confidant. She used this to help manipulate me into signing the contract and has been helping him the whole time. I was so stressed I lost over 70 lbs from Feb to April. I could not eat or sleep. While we were working on the agreement I spoke to legal aid found out that we could do mediation for free instead of paying this jerk to do it. The ex just said his fav saying ... f*** u ... told me that is I went to alimony or anything he had a lawyer and he would let then go nuts leave me penniless on the street and I would never see my daughter again. Here the alienation begins he started telling her that all I wanted was money that I was getting all the money from the sale of the house. My daughter told me this, also that he was giving me money every month, I get nothing from him but BS. He paid me a portion of his part of the sale of the house to make me go away. Over the summer my daughter came to me every other week his mom went out of town those weeks and they needed someone to look after my daughter, other than that I got her every other weekend when he did not interfere with my time with her. Getting her to lie about hanging out with friends to be with him and his GF on my time. I caught her in the lies. He leaves her with his mom and tells her she cant tell me or he will be in trouble. Then Halloween night I go see a friend that lies 2 doors down from where they are supposed to be living and the neighbor that lives in between comes over sees me and said .. whats up with your mom in law I have not seen the truck there in over a month and a half I did see a moving truck. MY heart sank I went to the house where my daughter is to be living and its empty, I burst into tears wondering where my child is they stole her, I felt physically ill . The moved her almost 2 months before and to this day have no idea where she is and whom she is living with. So because of his crap I moved on with filing for divorce and named the paralegal as a third party in the case because he did things illegal. When they were served the paralegal went to my ex and did exactly what the threatened me with they made up lies about me and told my daughter now it has been over 3 months since I have seen or talked to her. They told her that I am telling people that her dad is not her real dad and that all I want is money. She has 4 people telling her the same thing so why should she not think it true...right? I had a escape plan set with my kid so if things got bad with her dad because of his insane temper she could get away she planned most of it with a friend and her mom with my knowledge. Now I am the bad person because he told me if I got a lawyer went for alimony or did anything he would make sure I never saw her again. I kept a journal the whole time documenting conversation between him and I or should I say threats. The paralegal was helping me at one point took me to a good lawyer but he harassed me so bad I asked the lawyer if he got a referral fee, the lawyer told him I asked this and he came unglued threatened me with calling my ex telling him whatever and backing him up I was going down and he did just that. He has made a deal with my lawyer now in exchange for his co operation to have the charges I was suing him with dropped because he knew he was in huge trouble. But he did his damage already. All I have ever done is want to spend time with my baby I love her so much and have never done anything to hurt her .. I stand corrected I did by leaving her with him and his 2 faced mom. I text her that I love her everyday, she used to hug me like no tomorrow and tell me she loved me to .. now my heart is broken and he sits back with his shit eating grin laughing. He used her as a pawn to get his way and now she is the one paying for it. The pure hate I have felt from him from the time he said .. we need to talk I'm done you have a week to pack... is evil and insane. Worst part is his GF and mom are backing him how can a mother feel right about doing this to a child and mom .. makes me sick...I know now what it feels like to be one of those parents whose child is missing .. at least I know mine is alive just not where she is... I don't know how I'm going to deal with this the fight has just begun money is running out and I do not want to give up ... my daughter is my life without her I have no life :(

Been there done that.

Submitted by Hanging on (not verified) on Fri, 02/01/2013 - 8:11pm.

Our stories are somewhat similar, feelings are TOTALLY the same. Only I have a boy and a girl, both late teens, I know where they are and they know where I am. I was just out-of-my-mind-sick-wish-I-were-dead for SO long.i had the same deal with 'grandma' totally in on the ' keep the kids away from their Mother' life-style. Oh my God, I DON'T GET IT!! How can someone who is a MOTHER themselves, participate in such a horrible crime against the CHILD? Are they so frikken messed up that they think it's a GOOD THING for the child to live in a world of lies? When little children are taught from the beginning that lies are BAD!? And now, being that I am from a dysfunctional family, my very own SISTER is also contributing to the culture of SHAME. ' YOUR MOM is a disgrace, she doesn't have a job, no home of her own...'. Not spoken words, but a CULTure. Don't even want to go there. Sometimes I wonder "What the hell did I do to deserve this torture?". Stop myself. Bad thoughts, stop obsessing. Because the anguish anger hatred becomes YOU! And you will drive people away, even your DEAREST friends begin to avoid you. BIG CLUE: I start talking and my friend interrupts with a totally obscure different topic. Kinda reminds me of when I was married to Path, he would always start in when we were all trapped in the car. Verbal abuse, harangues, whatever, boiled down to 'Bitch, waste of space, why don't you kill yourself?". And GRANDMAW would chime in "So, how is your MICROWAVE working?" . Not lying. Damn, I am going there, but pulling back right now because it's coming and becoming me again. I can't stay THERE! Run away. Yeah, I have run away before, but you MUST run away from this reality as your life . I mean, you need to find another definition of yourself. It is so GODDAMN sad, alien. Cold, hard fact is you need to move on. So VERY difficult to disengage your self from a role you have dreamed of and desired since you were a little girl, the role that nature created for your body to fulfill. All around you are images of Mother and Child, families, HAPPY families every time you see these images it feels like another FRESH knife wound twisting in your heart, just as painful as the first of the millions you have suffered daily constantly never ending... Reality. Your child is not the same child you were raising, will never be that child EVER AGAIN. You must accept this, your dream is dead. Absolutely grieve this loss, get help for this. Otherwise, it will rule you, your ex and your changeling child controlling YOUR life. And if you think they give a damn about you, or even really THINK about you, forget it. I read something from an expert on alienation of a child which was a real eye-opener. That is, you think about your child all day long, but by the time they are a teen they rarely think about YOU. Which happens even in normal circumstances. How much did you think about or worry about what effects your behavior was having on your Mom when you were 17? As for me, the answer is virtually NEVER! I did whatever I wanted to do, I was a problem child because of my circumstances. I was not trying consciously to hurt my parents, they did the best they knew how. Sadly, they came up short which has had profound ramifications. Long ago, I made peace with this. But I know I did hurt them deeply with my bad behavior.I guess it's true, Karma IS a bitch. So you need to move on. You need to harden your heart, I am sorry but this is what is necessary for you to heal. Intellectually you know that you have no control over other's behavior. As a mother, it is extremely difficult to accept you no longer have control of your child. When your mother-role was abruptly and cruelly ripped away from you, your child was still at an age where you were supposed to exercize control and apropriately discipline your child for unacceptable behavior. Those days are dead and gone, this is a fact of life. Work on letting go of the mother-role, in your head and in your heart. Here comes the same 'Dear Abby' advice which is absolutely cliche, but absolutely spot-on to your future well being. You need to create a new life for yourself that doesn't involve motherhood. Unless you feel that perhaps working with other children in a mentoring way is something that will bring you joy. I think in the future I might be interested, not ready yet. For now, I try to avoid situations that are about children/families like the plague. TV shows, even commercials, shut it down. SO thankful Holidays are over, my birthday falls during this period. The first time since my daughter was born that I didn't even receive so much as a frikken TEXT message to acknowledge the day of my birth. Add to that, the first time in my life that my own mother was not present, she died last February. Foolishly I expected my daughter would take that into consideration as I was extremely close to my mother, devastated by losing the one person that loved me unconditionally. Foolishly one believes that one's children will love their mother unconditionally, that is how I felt about my mother and father. They screwed up as parents in many ways, but I NEVER did not love them or say awful, disrespectful hurtful things to them. Our reality is TOTALLY different than how we, and most other people, were raised to expect, different in a sick unnatural way. That is because our child's other parent is actively, purposefully, successfully working to destroy us, and teaching our children that they should scorn and be ashamed of us, to avoid us at all costs, that we are BAD. This is happening due to our former spouse's deep-seated mental illness, these are deeply DISTURBED individuals. Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Sociopathic Personality Disorder, pathological liar, they have no ability for empathy, to feel for someone else. They either don't realize or don't care if they are hurting others, if I would give the benefit of the doubt, I would probably say a combination of both. Sick and tired of being screwed over by giving *everyone* the benefit of the doubt. So I prefer to think and in fact have solid evidence that this was a well-thought out plan, executed over a number of years and with the explicit cooperation of mommie dearest. These twisted types are motivated by a couple of completely selfish, evil, destructive ways of self-preservation. Because SELF-preservation is of the utmost importance, others are just collateral damage in the pursuit of self-gratification and aggrandizement. For my ex, it was all about the Benjamin's- the last thing on earth he wanted was to give me any of what he considered HIS money. Regardless, what's done is done. I am penniless and childless, an empty husk of the bright, vivacious, interesting person I used to be. But I WILL scratch and claw my way back, this is the year of ME. And I suggest you join in. I don't know where you live, but I am fortunate to live in a major metropolitan area of the U.S., there are support groups for everything and anything. But even if you live in a more isolated area, there are a lot of Internet groups as well. Explore 'Parental Alienation Syndrome' on line. Most people have no idea of what this means. They CERTAINLY don't understand the horrific reality you are living, it's as if your child has been killed and you wish to be dead yourself just so the unbearable pain would STOP! I was very mentally ill for about 10 years, so ill for the last 6 or 7 years I required numerous hospitalizations because I had no will to live. I still struggle mightily, I HAVE TO CHANGE! Hard to leave the house, hard to have energy to do anything due to the Depression plaguing me.Baby steps. Letting go of dreams, accepting reality. We must accept we are POWERLESS! Over others. The only power we have is over ourselves and as long as we continue to make our losses define who we are, the person who stole the most precious thing in our lives is in control. I REFUSE to let that bastard to control me any longer. My attitude toward my children is that of, not indifference, but trying to disengage my emotions related to their treatment of me. It's so difficult, but it must be done. The fact is our children have been terribly damaged, they are victims as well. People say"Oh, don't worry, they will come back when they are older! You are making too much out of this, they are teenagers after all." I have a couple of thoughts on these 'words of wisdom'. I will be kind to start out. There is truth to the idea that a teenager's developmental job is to become separate from their parents and find their own identity, a sometimes painful process for all concerned even in the most un-dysfunctional families (are there any?). My real feelings? I want to SCREAM " YOU have NO F-ING IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!" I have been reading and researching PAS for a couple of years. People are sick and tired of hearing me trying to explain what I am experiencing. It is obsessive and it takes over your life. Others WILL shun you, trust me. Really, who wants to listen to the same thing time after time, about your agonizing suffering miserable existence? It becomes even worse as you learn more about PAS. They will come back eventually? Well considering I have missed out on my children's teen years, never gonna get that back. Damn the undertow is pulling me HARD! Trying to drag me out and drown me again, and I have spent the whole day writing this. But journalling is supposed to be helpful, let it out, GET it OUT! I am going to focus on getting back to accepting and moving on with my life, gonna steer back to the focus of getting healthier, getting a life. Being helpful to you who are reading this so that my experiences can hopefully benefit and have worth for the good of others. So I need to conclude. It will not be like in the movies or TV, wrapped up in a pretty package, happily ever after. We know that real life can be very ugly and very unfair. Accept the hand that has been dealt you. It has taken me too long, wasted too many years with why me, this is not right, not FAIR! Do I have a right to those feelings? Absolutely. I am 53 years old. Do I want to spend the rest of the years I have above dirt feeling THOSE feelings? HELL NO! As stated before, no control over others. My children, your children, may NEVER come back. If and when they do, they will be messed up, no way they cannot be. I already have heard incredible stories of the horrible things I have done. Let me tell you, one TINY bit of truth in there, like I went on a vacation. But the rest is complete pack of lies. Ok, come back, don't get upset, be succinct, just the facts of possibilities and not about you personally, wasted far too much time there. Make a life that doesn't involve your children, find other things to focus on, help others. Do things that make you feel better, heal. Get therapy, a big thing in mental health now is called 'Mindfulness'. Basically, it's learning to quiet your mind, easier said than done. It involves focusing on breathing, it's meditation. There are CD's out, one I really liked is Ken Cohen's series, on Amazon, 'Qui Gong Meditation' not sure of the spelling. If you can't afford to buy, the library is free. I have done it in the past, takes time before you can stop intrusive thoughts, but really IT DOES HELP! It does make you feel more peaceful, less frantic, less like you are dying of a broken heart. I need to follow my own advice, went to one Buddhist meditation and it was great! The gist of what I am trying to communicate to those of you experiencing the rejection of your children is let go of your expectations of what should be. Get involved in positive ways to live your life without them, the reality is you ARE without them. You only have control over your actions and reactions. Take that control BACK! Do not have any expectations of what SHOULD happen, how you taught your children to behave, because your influence has been gone for a long time. Truth is, the main influence in their life is an evil, sick person. So heartbreaking, but it is what it is. I am going to steal from the Army ad, but BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE! More cliches to come. You only live once. Start living again, for you. That way, if they do come back, you will be strong and healthy, better able to help them if that's what they want from you. But also, stronger and wiser to recognize if what they are really looking for is 'revenge', it's not about you. Maybe you will be able to steer them in a better direction. No one can predict what life holds for us in the future, or for our loved ones. So get a grip...on yourself! and maybe they won't do not have expectations move on find something else that brings you the feeling of fulfillment

my 16yr old daughter

Submitted by ann elizabeth clark (not verified) on Fri, 01/25/2013 - 4:39pm.

I have a 16yr old daughter who refuses to go to school, she will not listen to me and i have no control over she lives with a member of my family and she and her grand mother have all the say as to what she does. I have told the socail worker that I wipe my hands of her but they seem to think it is a big joke no matterwhat I do for her it is thrown back in my face. I love my daughter but she has no time for me. I have now been called into the school because of her attendance record and I dont no my rights as I am sure I will get the blame for all of this. She has a two year old child which is my real concern, her behaviour will her future.

daughter

Submitted by ann elizabeth clark (not verified) on Fri, 01/25/2013 - 4:16pm.

I have a daughter just turned 16 she wont live with me her mother but lives with a family member. She will not go to school and I have no say in her up bringing, I have washed my hands off her as social service dont want to no she does her own thing and I have no control over her she has a 2yr old child which is my concern at the moment I love my daughter but she is ruining her life. I have now been called in to the school to sort this out, but how do you sort out this problem when my family have interfered and in have no say what my daughter does. do I have any parental rights at all.

ex-took total control violated money and parenting time orders

Submitted by annaGuest (not verified) on Tue, 01/15/2013 - 8:15pm.

My Ex is creepy! He has turned my 17 yr old daughter totally agianst me ..she acts just like him, I have never seen such deep seated hate. My lawyer said I need to put a motion in as she will not get involved with parenting time. My daughter works and he has ll her money. My ex sai she will be 18 in may and I am a terrible mother ..the courts will consider her choice over mine...he has been turing her againt me for the past three yrs...i have said some nasty things about him in front of her but...come on..move on

not allowed any visitation or communication at all

Submitted by nancy (not verified) on Sun, 01/13/2013 - 12:02pm.

i have a problem...not sure how to deal with it. My fiancé went to court in november for visitation of his child. His son is ten. His ex has kept them from having any communications for two years. We were very concerned at this point that she had poisoned the son against my fiancé. We hired the WRONG attorney. Paid 8k and he was way too new. He didn't know how to present evidence and the other attorney walked all over us. Our attorney didn't know how to dispute anything or even enter evidence. Every time he tried, the other attorney objected and he didn't know what to do. Long story made short, the judge told us we are not to email, or try to call or send cards or anything to this child until further notice. This is wrong. A son needs his dad and time is slipping away. We are not rich and can't afford another 8k but this was just a temp trial and we need to find a better lawyer so Liam can see his son. He has not done anything wrong and is sad and cries all the time. This is all taking place in NC but we are in Az...can anyone give advice? thanks

Access denial for no apparent reason

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 01/23/2013 - 11:40pm.

Hi, I can empathise and sympathise. My partner has recently lost his children due to his ex of 4 years suddenly becoming bitter now that he has met someone else. We have tried the nicely nicely approach and now too will have to go the costly court route. However the children don't want to see him and we are not sure why or how the courts will view this. The mother has done nothing to help them under stand or make them visits their father. He is in bits he loves and misses his children. The children are 8 and 12. The oldest sends him abusive text messages and the youngest wont speak at all. He has asked their mother to play ball with mediation and she is refusing. We are at a loss as to where to go now as she won't answer calls or the door. The children are children and are not old enough to be allowed to make these decisions in my opinion and should be made to talk it out with their father. However it suit the mother as now she gets more money and has applied to the csa after 4 years of a friendly arrangement. My partner has done nothing and it breaks my heart to see this happening. Surely the law must be able to force th mother to attend mediation with the children?

My x¤wife left my 9 month son

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 2:55am.

My x¤wife left my 9 month son and I for a binge. In 3 states, then joined army No calls,no letter,2 years, didnt know until she had been back home and seen friends who Said they had talked to her but she was already gone again. Two months Later, I get ahold of a sergant, whi garnishes her wages FINALLY A LITTLE HELP!! And the $ means now shes around saying she can take Care of him now that he can wipe his own butt, and that they Shared a bond when she was on the dope trying ro give a hungry Baby 3monthsold,cough syrup, and now shes Mad because Step7 on her 12 step program isnt working when hes alost 6yrs now? Muste cause Im very crazy. Just like every dude who gets custody of his kids, in court.Just like lotta this stuff says.. I mean On thisit site I mean sounds like rants if ppl who really want forgiveness...

missing them

Submitted by tz (not verified) on Sat, 12/01/2012 - 5:21pm.

i havent seen my kids in 127 days i lost my job right before my birthday, my wife decided she didnt want me in our home anymore, her mother accused me of abusivness in a way that seems like she was trying to bait me into some kind of retailiation, i ened up just calling the poilce to remove her after she refused to leave. Later that night while everyone was sleeping i was working in my garage and got frustrated with events and what i was working on and took it out on the garage door. Also keep in mind that ive never been in trouble with the law before and ive never hit anyone in my life, i never yelled at her, im not a violent person. The following day she had me areested for mischeif, and filed for emergency custody, apraisal on the house and draining all the money to her own account, all before i was released from custody. i cant go home, cant find a job, winter is here and i dont even have my winter gear. I breached the court order when i sent flowers and apology to my wife and mother inlaw (not that i should have apologized to inlaw) spent a week in jail for it, and still have to answer for it in court. she wanted to maintain no access but her lawyer talked her into some access. 1 hour bi-weekly, supervised, even before court was finished tet day the access was on the table i started making calls to get things rolling on seeing the kids. 2 months later im still trying, everytime i think im gonna move forward someone else wants more papers, putting the brakes on. I missed the summer with them, sons first day of school, his birthday (wasnt even allowed to send him a gift), thanksgiving, and at this rate i will miss xmas to. It feels like ill be lucky to see my kids before they graduate highschool, and they are 3, and 5. turning 35 is the worst thing to happen to me. im lost, and frustrated

DONT GIVE UP,YOUR EX IS NASTY

Submitted by VANESSA (not verified) on Fri, 12/21/2012 - 1:04pm.

DONT GIVE UP,YOUR EX IS NASTY AND MY GUESS EMOTIONALLY ABUSED YOU IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP.No mother can play god,you are just as detramental in your chids life as she is. her actions show me that she feels you,the father,has little need in there lives makes it even more apparent that she thinks she is the ultimate ruler.If she has pure unconditional love for her children,she would not make it difficult for you the father to be in there livesrather,regardless of her personal resentments towards you,she would iniciate your relationship,because.........a father is just as essential in a childs life as the mother. i could never look at my babies and say you can not see daddy or manipulate them into thinking there own daddy is bad,why.....because i have unconditional love.it sickens me to see mothers say there love is unconditional and them manipulate there thought tearing there fathers away,its sick its discusting and it makes you wonder how else are they distructing there children. my advice,,,,,,fight ,do the papers dont give up ,it will pay off and if by the time you win tehre visits,remember the kids may then not want to see you and do you no why,because there beautiful mother has manipulated them. still do not give up you win the rights for visits,they must come.once with you prove to them by your loving unconditional love that you are a good man who will love them no matter what.eventually any brainwashing will slowly disipate and then an unbreakable bond will grow and as they grow they will see the truth,do not give up.if you still love her give your head a shake,move on any woman who tears a father and child relationship up does not deserve any part of your heart,open your eyes see her for who she is ,are you a better person........then seek out a better woman,and never give up on your babies,be strong

Hi i just found this site. I

Submitted by GuestJamie Schrichten (not verified) on Sun, 12/23/2012 - 5:48am.

Hi i just found this site. I didnt know thete was s name for what myex husband was doing. I didnt understand whywmy kids were acting like this. We had an unbreakable bond so i thought. I hav e almost given up. I have let my i have let my son slip away more than id like to sdmit, but money has been agsinst me. I have severe anxiety and ptsd and im on disabilty. My ex hasfamily with money and had good lawyers while i had noone. He isa monster. He told me he did all this cuz i divorced him. He got me at a timehen i was at my lowes and struck like a thief n the night. He has my kids so low like h%m. Oh it hurts so bsd. Now its been 7 years :(. Im feeling sohopeless.

parent Alienation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/07/2013 - 2:38am.

we are exactly the same . My father Etienne from school as she cried kept her away ,died his 3Rd wife then was given custody as my relative. I don't know or talk to her judge have her custody and new wife have my child to someone right after. My kid says I abandon her but when say I didn't and would she like tao visit she says she's she is busy she doesn't respond to anything I do. sy

child alienation

Submitted by Guestsue (not verified) on Fri, 11/23/2012 - 3:06am.

this has happened to me with my oldest daughter and as of yesterdy he convinced my youngest to live with him. i am so upset she was my world. my ex is psychopath. he even had me lose my good friends. so is anyone close by me and we can become friends? its so hard all alone

Hi, My fifteen year old old

Submitted by bluenosebear (not verified) on Sun, 01/06/2013 - 6:17pm.

Hi, My fifteen year old old lives with his dad. he won'r see me speak to me or even text me. He hid from me when he saw me in town and just returned his birthday card to me. He wouldn't take Christmas presents from me. His dad lies about me constantly but says I lie. My other kids see him and tell me what he says. My youngest hates the way he talks and doesn't want to stay with him anymore - so my ex blames me for it! My middle kid cries when he comes back to me - probably becaus he's confused and upset. I won't say bad stuff about their dad as they should love whatever he has done to me. Its hard, really hard. when you are the care giver for all those years and their dad shows no interest, suddenly he can do no wrong for the fifteen year old. But I get it, he's got his dad's attention finally and if that means dissing me that's what he has to do. He is a victim and I hope one day when he's older he'll understand he's been emotionally abused. Till then all I can do is be here and keep hoping and praying.

Where are you located?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 12/02/2012 - 1:25pm.

I am in Philadelphia and am experiencing the same thing. My sister even caused some of the Alienation. :-( contact me

Parental alienation

Submitted by Laurie (not verified) on Thu, 12/13/2012 - 7:25pm.

My husband lives with an evil woman who is turning my son against me... He was adopted by my husband who is always gone out of town for work, and now is staying with the girlfriend while my husbands out of town! He refuses to come home, and I will be the bad guy if I force it!

I'm in Philadelphia and going

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 12/07/2012 - 1:40am.

I'm in Philadelphia and going through the same nightmare. I am trying to get all the help I can - for me and my 3 kids. Anyone in the area needs support, I understand, email me. Take care.

Abusive Ex-Husband is now asking for child support

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/01/2012 - 2:28pm.

I was abused for eight years and have been separated from my ex for four. He has hardly let me see my children and he also used a fake address to obtain guardianship of my oldest daughter who is 11 and not his biological child. I have no problem with paying support and I am glad this is finally going to court. I am hopeful that at the case managers meeting visitation will be discussed and I will get to see my children once again. I am also hopeful that the guardianship he was granted can be terminated and my oldest and be home wit her family once again. He refuses to answer the phone and any time I see the children everything has to be completely controlled by him. Any gifts or money I send he insists the children not know that it is from me. I just want to see my kids and don't understand why he is doing this to me.

im going thru the same thing,

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/08/2012 - 3:14am.

im going thru the same thing, i went to the hospital in hawaii cus he is in the military there. instead of helping me he left me in there and filed for divorce. to my kids away from and has them in alaska now. i havent seen my kids sinces july of 2011. i cry and stress out about them alot, cus he is careless and wants to hang out with his friends all the time. and my kids are his tag alongs. he throws money at them to take the focus off of me. now he has random women around my kids. and when i talk to my kids they wish they can be with me. i try to hold my togue ever time. but today he was so disrespect to me when i was tryin to find out about what they like to read he started to snap at me. he was showing off to a women that was there. i pisst me off, cus i didnt do nothing. he hung up on me .

Ex has everything including eldest daughter

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 10/29/2012 - 9:53am.

It was 3 months after I left before my now ex wanted to see our 3 children. I had barely started adjusting to life as a single mother, after 15 years of living with a man who has NPD. Our eldest, 13 years old at the time, I was told complained so much about how horrible a mother I was. He told her to write a letter, which was emailed to me. I was shocked, the words weren't hers. I knew she didn't write it but it didn't make it any less devastating, she said she wanted to live with her father. I let her go. It was the biggest mistake of my life. She is now 15, and has been to see me twice. Once on her birthday, and once for Xmas. I have not seen her for almost 12 months now. Settlement has still not happened, we owned a business and he takes a huge amount of cash from the business. He takes his new fiancé and her 3 children away on holidays, overseas. He can't even afford to pay child support for his two children that live with me, as the 'business' makes less money than I make working full time to support my children. Our 3 children used to go to private school, dance lessons etc etc. Since I left I sometimes have trouble even paying the bills. I can't afford much for the children, but I am happy and they are happy too. The two younger kids see their father every school holidays. He keeps threatening me with court, which is what I want. He also questions the kids about living with him, he tries to buy them. I only want to be able to afford loan repayments on a home of our own. I am still scared of him, even now. I sometimes think if he had hit me, the scars may have healed faster.

I am also married to an NPD

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 12/25/2012 - 10:51pm.

I am also married to an NPD who has been systematically turning my adored 16 year old son against me. we are still living in the same house and I refuse to leave because I fear it will get worse (that my son will be turned more against me). this is a living hell, I have only one child and this is breaking my heart.

I know what you mean

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 12/22/2012 - 5:23am.

I know what you are saying I lived that for 14 years an NO one helps woman like us. My ex is self employed claiming poverty an he is trying to force my kids to see him he is a trucker that wasnt there much for them growing up. I cant afford a lawyer an barely holding on to what I have left he made me loose my home an stole half my belongings from my house an wont return them. I am working a crappy job making under 10$ per hour an my kids too had the world like yours all the best games an clothing shopping at the mall an xmas was always crazy spending thousands. I am so heat broken for them an his girlfriends kids are mean t mine when they go see their father they are all forced to sleep in living room. I hope I can put all my wintenesses in front of a judge an get what I deserve my husband has a business an it grosses almost 200,000$ a year I should get half of what its worth, but not having a lawyer is killing me...good luck cause mental scars never heal I have learned that the hard way!!

alienation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 11/27/2012 - 7:12pm.

I am being to go thru this process. I have 2 kids under the age of 8 and he is doind his best to keep them with as little contact as possible with me. we have 50/50 custody. But they never want to talk to me when they are his place and disrespect me when they come with me. I have to be stern with them so that they react and realize i'm "mom" then its like they don't want to let go of me. They need me to be with them for their every move. and its a vicious cycle.

alienating

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 11/17/2012 - 10:25am.

Oh my god, I am not alone. My ex has nothing to do with my oldest daughter but has brainwashed number 2 who has lived with her dad and his `new` family for 2 1/2 years. She left and never came back. My son still sees his father. It is something i can`t allow myself to think about or discuss because it hurts so terribly

Parental Alienation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 11/21/2012 - 9:43pm.

Hi, we have the exact same issues, you and I. Can we chat together off this board? It would be great to have someone who understands perfectly the hell I live everyday.

i need help getting my twin girls

Submitted by terrence crain (not verified) on Mon, 10/22/2012 - 4:16am.

well i really do not know where to start but i will try so here i go i lived in new orleans la. i meet a lady how became my girlfriend one night me and her went out and i went to her home that night we did the deed and she got big and then we move from the apartment in another place in new orleans then in her 5th will the girls in her we had room mates and they was talk to her and told her to get me out and she did that and i lift and once my girls was born i try and try over and over to help and see my girls she wouldnt let me then she told all her friends she wishs i was died and killed so she had one of her room mates try to kill me but it didnt work at all and that happen for a long time until i moved and then i try ever day and night to see and have a relationship with my girls but she told everyone i was a sparm donor and i have no rights to my girls at all then the big storm came to new orleans and i lift and i was thinking she would to but my friend told me she stay in new orleans with my new borns and i was told that the home that she was in was very very bad and she told my friend she wasnt going awhere at all but my friend told her if she wasnt she was going to take the children with her and the she went to and it was high water they went throw and they got to my friends home and then they had to get food but she got thing for her self not her children at all my friend had too get food cloth and other things for the children and i try for years to find her but it was died ends so i found my friend and try to get her to talk to my ex and when she did my ex told my friend the i will never ever see or have no relationship with my girls ever and the girls will never know me at all and after the storm i try for years to find her and it was hard but i found her this year and on the internet this is how i did i remember her first and last name but remember make sure its right because its only one thing some one can do is change a letter in the last name and hid from you some if you go out the internet you will find everything on that person and all her family see in other states she put her last name as walker not welker so i found her real dad and put the real last name and found all the place she went and i tracked her and found the real place she is then i remember facebook i was on so i put her name in and found her remember that i told yourll about not seen my girls in 7years i was so happy i found pics of my girl they was big and i asked my wife to message her for a friend on facebook so me and wife told her that i was died so she can talk to my wife so she got pissy and told my wife all bad things about me so i had it with her so i send a friend to her and all hell broke out she told me that i have no rights to the grls and i was a sparm donor and she was going to adoped my girls to another man she gets with and i was never a father and i do not know anything about beening a father at all and remember i wasnt given a chance at all for 7years ok so i started to messages her on facebook about all the things she try doing to me in new orleans and what she is doing right now andits illegal for her to lieve with out telling me where my children are and then she started to say thing to me its not good at all so once she talked to myfriend about her phone number she gave it to me so i called my girls and my girls started to tell me thinking they wanted to know why i wasnt there but she stops them and she stops me verytime and now she nows say the she is coming of 7years back pay and my rights for the girls see she is blank blank blank nlank that i found her see she really do not what my girls to ever know all the bullblank i went throw because their mother so she will not call my home for the girls she siads it up to me to call sorry here is some remember my messages i told your about she read everything to my girls and told the girls that they didnt have to talk to me if they didnt want too and she did tell me why i wasnt put on my girls borth papers because her mother did it to her and she told me she can do anything and get away with it and tell me what to say to my girls and do her rules and if i do not do what she tells me to do i will never ever talk or see my girls ever and she told me she will make sure i will never see my girls and now her friends helping her to get my girls againsed me and she tell my girls lies about me too and she crys to my friend to get her againsed me and she cryed about me not giving her my number so i did but she didnt call me at all for the girls and now she tells me she did but im on a cell phone with caller id and nothing on my phone so i messages that its was a lie and then she told my girl that i do not love and care for them because i didnt pick up but i didnt get that call i think about that she called or dial the wrong number so she can get my girls to see me bad and i try to get heere to cscall me for the girls put nothing nows the girls are my girls too and she wants money frommeforthe7years back pay and she told me if i do not pay her she will put me in jail for good and take my rights from me too so all i have to say one more thing i am looking for a lawyer but i have no money to pay some one because all my money gos to all my bills and to my other girl i have in my live shes 9years old girl my baby heart i have how truly loves and cares for me thats wheres my money gos too so get with me and please help me out everyone thank yourll aka tiger real name terrence

My husband has brainwashed my 12 year old son

Submitted by Need Help (not verified) on Sat, 10/13/2012 - 6:14pm.

Hi there! I have a problem. My husband has brainwashed my son from me. He takes my son with him every where he goes. He takes my son with him on jobs that require to operate heavy equipment and my husband allows that. I had filed for divorce in december of 2011. I left for 6 months and they begged me to come back. I came back to work things out and the same thing is going on but worse. THe court oder stated that I had joint legal custody and he had full custody.I had every other weekend when I didnt live there I LOVE MY SON VERY MUCH and dont know what to do. I feel If i leave again its bad on me. My husband is a emotional abuser. Please someone advise Thank you

I would go get nanny cams if

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/15/2012 - 6:25pm.

I would go get nanny cams if I was you. I would set them up when nobody is home and that way you have proof of how he acts. Id also say- crazy as it sounds, remarry your ex. That way you can have a do over divorce- if you are married again, and then leave., the previous order will not be binding!

brainwashed

Submitted by Terilyn (not verified) on Fri, 11/02/2012 - 9:36pm.

I know exactly what you're going through. I left my sons father because he is an habitual liar, thief, pot smoker, not to mention cheater. He stole tons of money from me and my family including our son! I was working and going to school while he sat on his a** and smoked dope. My son did end up with him because I wanted to make a better life for my children and that back fired on me! That man had brainwashed my son so bad that he actually believed what he said because it started at a young age. I could not believe the bulls*** that came out of his mouth and none of it was true. If it were, I would admit it. Misery likes company so he was trying to make me look bad because he's a loser. Then my son started to repeat the things he heard come out of his fathers mouth. I was so hurt. My son wouldn't come see me, nor talk to me. I tried and tried to bond with my son, but it didn't happen. Then I started to think maybe I should just avoid the whole situation, and figured as my son was getting older, he'd start to see his fathers true colors and the real me on his own. It worked. I don't say to much about his father to him because he's finding out on his own. I see my son a few times a month now, and he tells me what is going on. But "NEED HELP," don't stay with this man. He's trying to make you feel guilty because he knows your a better person and he's afraid your son will turn on him. A bad relationship like that won't make your situation any better, for you, nor your son and he will see that as he grows up. I know it's hard, but your son will learn the truth on his own. You just have to be patient and hang in there. Trust me it will pay off. Don't criticize the idiot infront of your son because it won't make you look any better. This man is trying to manipulate you. But be the stronger person and get the hell away from him! I have the same custody order you have. But my son is 17 now and has his own car so he comes around on his own. I did tell him that his father won't ever get a legal job because he couldn't nor wouldn't pass a drug test! My son agreed. Things will get better for you. It seems like eternity, but time has a way of working things out. I hope you can keep me updated because this sounds like me all over again. My email is [email protected] Good luck, be strong, and hang in there! Terilyn

getting child back

Submitted by Michele (not verified) on Mon, 11/12/2012 - 12:52am.

My ex took my kids from me for two months after he had his now wife, a child molester, fill out the paper work. he is NPD. You have to play his game with a good heart. Write him on a messenger like yahoo and get what he thinks down. He can be forensically diagnosed with what he writes. I have had many therapists and psychiatrists who back me up on keeping the kids away. You have to have proof, you will do what you can do get it!!

Stay strong

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 6:19am.

get a lawyer. unfortunatly it is really hard to prove emotional abuse and the courts really just don't want to hear it. my daughter's father is also emotionally abusive and what I find in the court system is that there is still a lot of societal hate for women. so do your best to be positive and the best person you can be and know that everything is in God's hands and believe in God that everything at this moment is as it should be and will wind up exactly as it is meant to be. Just don't give up. Emotionally abusive people are draining...they are like black holes, sucking the energy from everyone's life they touch... I just remember to keep looking how far I;ve come and not how far I have left to go... and always remind myself to be a mama lioness for my daughter. I will never back down again to her wretched father. He is a sick, demented human being and I just pray pray pray to God.

forced by exhusbands attourney to put 5 year old through therar

Submitted by Diana (not verified) on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 1:23pm.

I recieved a phone call from a marriage family therapist who asked me questions, didnt ask for consent, then a week later i recieved a letter from my ex husbands attourney threatning me with a exparte hearing if i didnt consent. I called therapist and advised that i wanted to be presant for daughters 1st session, I advised i will sign the consent for one session for a evaluation. I then recieved a phone call from exhusbands attourny secratary saying i have court in 3 days for ecparte hearing.

step grandmother and her daughter keeping my kids from me

Submitted by broken hearted momma (not verified) on Fri, 10/12/2012 - 2:06am.

Hi everyone. i know everyone has problems out there. and there is a saying, be thankful for your problems , because someone out there is having it worse than yourself. Well i see that. But my situation is horrible. I married the wrong man. Dcbs got involved. And I wasn't charged with anything, yet my children were placed in relative custody; with my ex husbands new in laws, since i had no relatives in the state I live. I got my divorce and the judge said I have to wait 2 years to petition for them to come back home with me. Everything was going great, until their step mom came in from another state and took them for the whole summer. Since then I haven't seen my kids, talked to them... their step grandmother has kept me out of the picture. Not even a phone call or text msgs...in regards to how my kids are doing.. I call, leave msgs and text her constantly.... and save everything for the courts... I still have my parental rights, and she has broken the court order...( no contact with father due to outstanding bench warrant for drug trafficking) I've missed my sons birthday due to the step grandmothers fault... sending me a text message, stating, we will see.. you did this to your self.. etc..., yet sent him a birthday card, wondering if he even got it....My daughters birthday is coming up in November... I fear it will be the same.... Before they left to go with their step mom and fathers for summer vacation, they would call me every day, i would see them all the time, and they would tell me how much they love me and want to come home... Now nothing.. Im losing my mind. my kids are my world.... i do not get along with the step mom due to her harassing my phone via text and voice mail. I've changed my number twice, due to her taunting me and saying my kids are hers and they don't love me and want nothing to do with me... I fear they are being brainwashed and bribed with everything under the sun... My son tried calling me and i heard his step grandmother take the phone away from him... I honestly believe she is alienating my children from me, due to the fact her daughter and i dont get along... is that even right to do? I feel its a form of abuse to my children... I am never going to give up. I pray for them every day and their wicked step family... I just don't understand. i know my children love me... How much can a parent handle with this? What actions need to be taken or filed? Please help!

Im going thru the same thing,

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/08/2012 - 3:54am.

Im going thru the same thing, my exhusband is in the military... he was getting deployed and i thought i was getting my kids. he sent them to his familys. they wouldnt let me talk to them or send them bday cards. i havent seen them for almost year in half. they was soppose to come visit me, but his family screwed it up by sayin i was going to steal my kids. say horriable things about me. My kids love me very much and want to see me and spend time. but it ends bad all the time. He lies and promises them i will come see them when its my time to see them he picks a fight and its the end of talkin to my kids for a long time.. i go with out talkin to them for months at a time. i almost lose it everytime. my new husband and i almost broke up cus he thinks its his fault that i cant see them. cus my ex always says to me when we fight " that i shouldnt of go married" or i would of got to see my kids. I love my kids so much, i also love my husband. tonight i got into it with him, cus he was disrespectful to me on the phone when i was askin about my kids books and what they like to read.. he was being so rude, i have talked to him many time before without a problem.. then i found out why he was being an asshole to me cus a women was there.. I flip out and txt him cus he hung up on me. i have been hold on and trying my best to keep myself together.. at the end of my relationship with him end bad i had a nervousbreak down meltdown. He left me in the hospital and filed for divorce, and took the kids from. im heartbroken i want my kids so bad. im there mother and i dont ever get too see them. But every one eles can, and random women. i hate him so much right now..ughhhh!!

I can not even imagine what

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 6:25am.

I can not even imagine what you are going through... I just can't but you need to get some HELP...you need to be a Mama Lioness... and do EVERYTHING to get your kids back. Do not let this woman do this to you. You need to gather up the utmost strength and get your children back from this vindictive woman. GET A LAWYER. Its going to cost $$ but the results could be priceless!

I too am fighting for visitation

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 10/21/2012 - 1:39am.

I would like to say firstly how I feel for you,secondly how I'm going through the same.Child Safety here in Qld removed my child when she was 4 and a half after false notifications from family and my so called friends..I trusted them..now I'm devastated My daughter then 5 I was told didn't want to see me,very strange unless been coached.She remained in that foster home where the dept waited till after all the trauma and loss,I decided to put myself in hospital for shock treatment as antidepressants made me dozy.Then when I was getting treated,the Dept made a long term court order,and I never new about it.I saw my daughter on two occassions,when we bumped into each other,she and I got on and one time the foster carer told my own daughter NOT to talk to me,my child told me that Then I got only two birthday visits with her,for one hour,supervised by department but also the foster carer right there,so no bonding or talking occurred with my girl,she was told her dad was dead too.I saw my daughter for last time age 8.I begged to see her,like I said,the Dept kept saying No,She doesn't want to see you,still,I couldn't ring or anything My letters were returned back.Try a foster carer as an alternator cause it happens.. I was in ICU at one stage,nearly died from ARDS,and because not their for my child,dept used against me.Fast forward to this year,my girl was moved out of foster home for something and she found me online,we added each other on Facebook,she talked with me only one night,and the Dept found out,they let us speak 3 times on phone,for one hour,I was in heaven but the 2nd call my child told foster carer who went off and scared her as my girl wanted to see me,they said not a good idea to see your mother cause all horrible memories will come flooding back(their are none..all time was fun and she is so brainwashed its what's been planted.. I had a visit prepared,the dept organized it all,then bang,cancelled because they were moving her again,back into this foster carers again.I got a lawyer for a bit as can't fight too much as cost thousands..I was told my daughter doesn't want to see me again,asked why,said sorry,its private.After my daughter saying she loved me and all the positive talk we had the dept are saying she has a mental disorder and in best interests of the child,she doesn't want to see me,that's it.It stinks of PAS now because this has been allowed to go on for years. I took this to court,review the decision,they begged me and payed all my travel fees when I wanted to do by remote video,I was refused and told to go..up at 3 am and home 10pm same night. There was 9 against me,no lawyers allowed,but shocked as my daughter was their,her beautiful smile greeted me as we saw each other first time in 8 years.She's 17 now.Before court Dept promises me another go at visits for her 17 th birthday,I was weary as they pulled out last one.I got letter from them saying it was all organized so could I take thing out of court,I said would see,when saw her face smiling at me,decided to fight harder..everyone in the court told me to pull out,I panicked,cried,stood firm and said um taking to hearing..bang that was it,lost my visitation for her birthday,down in writing.When I was leaving I asked if could hug my girl,they ummed and ahhed,she said of course,a big hug and kiss from my only daughter,but they have her saying no to visits but her actions are saying different. I left in tears..Now my friend and a family member as well I asked if they wanted to see my child,yes they said,my friend is meant to be my witness and hardly talking to me because he has approval to see my child.So all the people that mattered to me have turned on me and my beautiful baby is stuck in this PAS..its not her fault...so yes I understand your pain as I'm fighting alone,told I won't win and somehow my two witnesses have gone...I will say this..NEVER EVER give up the fight..when I was telling my child in court that I love her and am never going to give up,never and when your looking at a mirror of yourself in a court room,it makes you fight more,especially when your child looks straight ahead at the adjudicator and says NO I don't want to see mum,I'm sure after smiling at you and hugging you..why would you give up..I may not win but I will fight and this is a hearing where I will get heard...go for it..fight ok

My x is an itiot. He is very

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 10/02/2012 - 3:03pm.

My x is an itiot. He is very controlling fought with three of my older kids when they were adolcents and keeps my only biological child which I gave birth at fourty to. The x has mocked me within our community. He use to fist fight with my oldest son when he was 15, my eldest daughter whom is now 24 has told me that when she was young he slammed her head into the wall, and she started yelling for me and he slammed her head in the wall again and said don't you dare tell your mother. She just told me this along with other incidents. My divorce took 4 years to finalize because of custody and financial issues. I raised 5 children, 4 which we adopted at toddler age's and one at 4 years old. I was a wonderful Mother and wife. As time went on, I seen how him and I were so opposite, life in general, and in raising children. He makes himself look so high and mighty due to his money, and makes me look like I am a second class citizen. I have been so beat down by him I have lost about all of my self confidence. I have a difficult time walking with my head up. I am a childhood survivor of an ugly divorce as well as now I am divorcee of 20 years marriage. I am lost for words. Along within the past 4 years my Mother whom was my rock, passed away on my birthday 2 years into the ugly battle of divorce. Then my Dad passed 9 months later. My x could care less. He has no compassion for me, nothing. He is very cold, when I look in his eyes there is a look of nothing just blank. He is remarried, I am not. I don't feel I will ever re-marry again, why should I? These events in the recent 4 years is enough for me. I just can't take it anymore, i can't fight him anymore. I give up with his cruel behavior. I don't know what else to do. I have done what I can to please him and follow his program just to see my youngest whom is the biological son, but nothing I do is good enough. I can't afford an attorney at this time, and I am afraid to represent myself due to lack of knowledge with the court system and I really feel inferior. Help me

Take the high road. Don't be

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 10/05/2012 - 5:38am.

Take the high road. Don't be beaten by your pathetic ex's hanis acts. Prove your better -- at being, the better person, not the better parent! I'm so traumatized I can't even file my paerwork needed. Every day I feel I've failed, but I haven't. One day my child will realize how much time it took trying just to have a simple realationship, when I couldve focused my energy on her instead! Whatever it takes do wbat u gotta do I know u have it in u. Remember the court only listens if you truly prove yourself and show how far you will go to prove how much you care. Take pictures, transcribe voicemails and contact only via text/email etc. Good luck. Remember hold your head high & stay 2 steps ahead and u can't Loose!

i am a mother whos child will

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 09/21/2012 - 5:16am.

i am a mother whos child will not see her father because of things he did/does. i find that i could fit myself in to the 5 points of alienation. yet i know i am not. i try endlessly to avoid bad mothing my ex - yet am accused by people and professionals for doing it. and to prove im not, what am i supposed to do.THERE IS NO HELP OUT THERE FOR THAT. we are all bunched as bad ex- partners and some of us are not. it appears that mental abuse from her dad is allowed, and i am not allowed to worry that in her later years the drug abuse caused by this. there are no systems out there to help, just the attitude of point fingers at people, accuse whoever for the childs alienation (usually the residential parent) and then have judges with an approach of - get on with it and tuff luck on the child. i know i will be callled by many for this- but you judge me as others, without my case history. there is enough help for parents that are restricted from seeing their children. but what about the genuine cases, where the child fears a father that has treated badly. this throw away society allows marriage to fail and children used as obsticles, that get passed fro pillar to post - and you can guarantee that their children will be exactly the same. HELP THE CHILD THAT NEEDS TO HAVE THERE RIGHTS HEARD.

This is what I am

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 6:32am.

This is what I am experiencing as well. My daughter's father was extremely emotionally towards me throughout my pregnancy and after and continued to use drugs and alcohol. When i finally got the strength to leave, that just infuriates an abusive person and they do everything they can to win power back over their victim. People in the courts however accuse me of being the looney and want to listen to NOTHING about him being a bad and higly potential dangerous person. I found evidence of him google searching "young teen porn" and I tell them... they say "that's personal life... we all live in glass houses". Don't give up. and just remember that everything is in God's hands and just pray for Him to bless your child. You're going to experience shitty things and you're going to grow stronger and stronger. This is a really good quote someone told me... he'll "paint his own picture". Just know the truth eventually comes out...

gave up

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 09/11/2012 - 1:01pm.

my ex started the parental alienation years before the divorce....He is a narcissist. My children are 18 and 20...I just gave up, totally gave up. They love the abusive monster who makes the jump thru hoops just for food. He has tossed them aside for his new girlfriend and her young children. The damage was already for me, its toooo late. They see me as evil for the divorce and that it was fine for dad to 3 or 4 girlfriends at the same time while married to me. I just walked away and I cry all the time. I am better though, I realize maybe after his death they will come to me. They don't see that I fought the good fight to keep them fed and clothed...nothing left to do............I have tried and tried with my kids for the past year but it of no value anymore..it always ends with them hating me....they run to me for money though, I have cut the money out now so I won't ever hear from them again. Its a shame , they were my heart and soul.

Parent Alienation

Submitted by Donna (not verified) on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 5:51pm.

I was married to an abusive man and had 2 children now ages 26 and 18. My son is still in high school and about to graduate this May but not he has a major problem with me. He hates me stated I was the cause for the divorce and screams at me during therapy session. We had made attempts in the past to go to therapy but somehow did not find the right person but since he was caught with DUI at school I took him to therapy. During therapy I found out that when I divorced his father was calling me whore and all sorts of names because I dated. Now my son felt that I should of spent time with him.. which I did and I had to work 2 jobs. I think I gave him too much and now he is the most ungrateful child I ever know. My daughter I put her through college and when she graduated became very close with my ex and started to hate me and acting out saying she did not want me in her life. I was so hurt because all those years I had no clue she felt that way. I am so hurt but I am strong and I know God knows my heart. I worked so hard to provide for them and tried to show them support and love but I guess it was not enough....the evil bastard is looking good and got the reaction that he wanted. 26 years down the drain but I will hold my head up....

Stolkhom Syndrome... people

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 10/26/2012 - 6:33am.

Stolkhom Syndrome... people side with their abusers because it ensures their own safety

I feel for you.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 10/21/2012 - 8:58pm.

I feel for you. I have the same type of situation. Almost exactly. My son is 17 and has also been brainwashed and manipulated. His dad convinced him to stop his meds he needs for his ADHD too. The only thing we can do is know that we did the right thing by our kids. I think you are wise for cutting off the money. How dare they use you like that. My ex never gave him anything. He used me for my health benefits and kept us from divorcing for 7 years. Just remember this. What goes around comes around and you are the one going to Heaven!!! Your kids are more immature due to the horrible home situation and will "grow up" and figure it out. My son too hopefully. Long story for me as he was living with dad for several months in contempt of order and I took dad to court. We'll see how that plays out. All of the best. Stay strong. Just keep sending kids cards and remind them you love them. Meditate..It helps. I dont do it enough. But I will..and it helps the mind slow down, which is what we all need. :-) Take care exhausted and praying

Been around the Block

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 10/24/2012 - 1:58pm.

Omg! So sorry when I read your story! I have been going through rough times myself where I have walked out before I blow up! I have three chiildren all in their 20's but my middle child (daughter) has been a problem for years from drugs to alcohol. Name it I have been there! I have tried to help her from day 1 but it hasn't worked! My husband on the other hand has always been an enabler (and she sees it and takes advantage of it). As of today, she states she is clean (u know what I think)- def. the drinking has not stopped. Tried to tell her to go AA and NA but that hasn't happened either. Her boyfriend who's muh older is also a loser (in my eyes). My marriage is so strained due to her lately because we are not on the same page. Been married for well over 27 years. I told my husband we need to set boundaries with her. He needs to allow her to grow up and not be her Best Friend or ATM (like he was in the past). Am I right for explaining this to him - that he needs to be strong and (even lock up his heart temp.) as long as she is OK (working) otherwise this cycle will carryon forever!?

Maternal alienation

Submitted by Denise (not verified) on Sun, 09/16/2012 - 9:04am.

I understand exactly how you feel. This happened to me too. My ex husband physically abused me and sexually abused my sons and now at 23, 22 and 20 they hate me, not him. He is a narcissist as well and had been working on them for years. By the time I finally left they were 18, 17 and 15 and were beginning to abuse me too. They see me as powerless and in the marriage I was and there was no one around ever to help give them a positive image of me and to support me. I have been grieving since I left and no matter what I do, what success I achieve it never makes up for the loss. For the injustice. My sons are not independent and are enmeshed. I see the youngest about once per month for dinner and a movie but he always has to go home with something material. The oldest son is perverse in his hatred of me and in his open desire to cause me suffering and pain. He has said to me, "it wouldn't matter if I died next week", and yet he derives pleasure out of taking my money or putting me in a position where I will have to suffer. I have to avoid contact with him now, for both our sakes. My middle son is neutral and trying to survive this between his sick father and sick older brother. But in his survival it requires he keep his distance from me. My youngest is brave, I don't know how it survives it but if he returns home empty handed he panics..he has to show them that he took me for all he could. I understand and love them all but the grief and the loss is something I fight everyday to not drown in. It never leaves me even in my sleep.

Maternal alienation reply

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 11/05/2012 - 6:25am.

My three children have been alienated from me and interestingly I notice exactly the same pattern you describe in how they behave. The eldest is emotionally cruel and sadistic towards me and has avoided contact with me for years. She lived with me until recently but never had friends over and was always gone. I have given her the most and yet she is evil towards me. She has also stolen from me and lied to me on numerous occasions. The youngest boy is a puppet of his father. He only comes to my house when his father drops him off and it is only to "take" something from me or have me buy him clothes, toys. The middle daughter has moved far away for school so as to remove herself from the situation. She is now the only one I communicate with but she is guarded and distant.

I know how you feel. My ex is

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 2:20am.

I know how you feel. My ex is also a narcissist. He has been inconsistent with my boys (now 16 and 17) with regard to visitation, has put himself first. Now that dear old dad is getting divorced from his second wife, they feel so bad for him and make excuses for his behavior. I am now suddenly the bad guy and dad can do no wrong. Dad is laying it on thick now, the ultimate Disney dad. My boys are now rude and hurtful to me. This is breaking my heart. My boys just want me to do all the work (feed them, help them with things for school, drive them where ever they want, give them money, etc) and dad is all fun. I feel so dumped on and taken advantage of. Part of me wants to throw my kids out of the house and make them live with their father. But they know he won't care for them the way I do. But they will also say its not his fault, but everything is my fault. I really am ready to just walk away.

I know how you feel...

Submitted by Sfh (not verified) on Fri, 11/02/2012 - 6:54am.

I understand. I got my son into college and now my 15 year old daughter wants to live with her Dad. Since you only have about two more years, I suggest you hang in there. Show your love and care. Try not to be a doormat but I wouldn't stand up too much either. You have a better chance having a long term impact if you show love and not take their bait. I got so hypervigilant on trying to help my daughter with school issues and reducing behavior like her fathers that while I was loving I don't think she could see it well compared to his Disney dad routine. Hang in there.

am I overstepping

Submitted by Cathi B (not verified) on Tue, 08/21/2012 - 9:02pm.

I just saw on my Facebook account in the People you may know section my sons names. I was furious. My boys are 6 & 7 years old. I see no reason for them to be on there. I asked their dad to remove them & he refuses. He says they are only playing games & he gets all the notificationbs to their accounts. They have DSs they play on already why would they need to play on FB as well? He says he will not remove them & I am being unreasonable & he won't discuss it any further. He won't discuss anything unless it benifits him & his time with the boys. Am I being unreqasonable? Is there anything I can do to make hime remove their FB accounts? Help

7 Steps to Combat Parental Alienation

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