5 Signs Your Ex is Turning Your Child Against You

Parental alienation after Divorce: Part 1 of 2

Posted to Resource Articles by Amy J. L. Baker on Sun, 02/22/2009 - 4:00pm

Has your loving and affectionate child suddenly become unrecognizable to you? Does your child make you feel like you are the worst parent in the world?

If so, your former spouse may be turning your child against you. Known as parental alienation or parental alienation syndrome, simply put it means your ex is manipulating and pressuring your kid to reject you.

Part 2 of this series will give you the tools to recapture your healthy relationship with your child. But first you need to arm yourself with knowledge. How does parental alienation work and how to do you spot it?

Typically, your child's pattern of rejection results when your ex engages in destructive acts such as:

Speaking poorly of you
Limiting contact with you
Interfering with communication between you and your child
Emotionally punishing your child for expressing anything positive about you
Telling your child that you do not love him or her

Parental alienation occurs often, but not always, in the context of divorce and custody battles. No one knows how many children are exposed to parental alienation or show signs of the parental alienation syndrome, but we do know that it can happen to mothers as well as fathers, to custodial parents as well as non-custodial parents and to kids as young as toddlers or as old as teens. It is marked by sudden changes in your child's interactions with you and you'll see new personality traits begin to emerge.

Here are some attitudes and behaviors to watch for:

Leave me alone. Your child is filled with animosity toward you. When confronted and reminded of the good times you two once shared, she insists you two NEVER had a good relationship — although you know that is not true. Suddenly, your once-loving and affectionate child seems to fear and, in some cases, despise you. He may even be reluctant to share a meal with you as though merely being in your presence is unbearable. When you question this, your child gives you frivolous and absurd reasons for this newfound negativity.

It's all your fault. Your child acts as if the other parent can do no wrong. Everything the other parent does is perfect in his eyes — something your child never seemed to feel about your ex during the marriage. Your child seems to forgive your ex — even the most inexcusable behavior — while ridiculing you for minor flaws and infractions.

Yeah, what he said. Your child consistently sides with your ex. And it seems she is following a script when she is talking about you, using some of the same labels your ex has used to describe you. He will repeat the same words and phrases, as if he is relying on words that are not his own and may have been rehearsed beforehand.

Family ties no longer bind. Your child shows no guilt about her shabby treatment of you. And she not only rejects you, but by extension, your family as well. Formerly beloved aunts, uncles, cousins, and grandparents are now shunned. And your child doesn't want to attend important family events such as weddings, reunions, even funerals.

Influence? What influence? Your child vehemently denies being influenced by your ex. When you note that he is using words and phrases that appear to parrot the other parent, your child dismisses you. In fact, he scoffs at the idea of being coached by anyone.

Check out Part Two of this series: 7 Steps to Combat Parental Alienation

Click the following for more articles and videos on Kids, Family, And Divorce

Comments

I'm A Man, and I Know This Happens Too Often

Submitted by Been There (not verified) on Wed, 01/23/2013 - 11:55am.

I adopted my ex’s 2 youngest children. And during while we were married, she would tell the kids that I didn’t love them. She made them believe that she was the only person who loved them. My adopted son turned totally against me by the time he was 17, and even showed signs that he wanted to fight me. I had to leave the hell (my ex) and filed for divorce for my own safety. And now, after 14 years, the ex is still driven by her demonic personalities. The kids? Well, sadly, the boy hasn’t spoken to me in 10 years—and the girl in 6 years. A parent that can dominate the children, and knows that he/she can, can accomplish turning the children against the other parent. It happens all the time.

I'm at a loss...

Submitted by The Other Mommy - But Yet I Carried Him For 9 Months :( (not verified) on Thu, 01/17/2013 - 11:06pm.

Help! I'm at a loss! Almost two years ago, my ex-husband was going through withdrawals from cocaine and attacked me in front of our then 6 year old. He strangled me and was screaming profanities and how he was just going to "F------ Kill Me" while our little boy watched crying. I got away and called the police. He went to jail for one evening and his parents bailed him out the next morning. Within two months he was re-dating a woman who knew about his drug use (they had split up for a while). He tested positive for meth while on probation for the domestic violence and assault and battery. Two months later the couple were engaged. Three months after that they announced they were expecting. Now my son who is almost 8 has a "HORRIBLE" person who "IS NOT MY MOM" for a mother (me) and his new step-mother is his real "MOMMY." The man that did all these horrible things to us is now the perfect parent and I am scum. His father told him that he is to call me by my first name and his new wife is "MOMMY." This breaks my heart!!!! Over and over. Our son is having problems in school and instead of working together on getting him help and working things out for him, my exes reply is "WE LEAD BY EXAMPLE IN OUR HOUSEHOLD." My son now fights me on every little thing. His homework can only be done with the new wife, because at one point she worked for a school. My household has rules and boundaries and my exes house is all free time and playing and large gifts. My ex didn't pay child support for over a year - it went to drugs and so as a single mom I work two jobs and am going to school full time to make sure that my son and I will have a better life. I am always the bigger person and send gifts on birthdays and holidays and make sure that he speaks to the other parent with respect. When he is with my ex there is absolutely no reciprocation - I am the devil. I am always courteous and respectful to them. I can't take much more of this though. I am tiring of being hated for something I had no control over. What can I do?

pas?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 01/10/2013 - 1:40am.

Ive been picking up my 2yr old son latley from my ex(his mom). When I ask what mommy says he replies "hit daddy in the face" hit my girlfriend in the face and pull her hair!!! Weve been seperated for 2 yrs I have 50/50 and im in love with my girlfriend who is starting to back away! what do I do??????

She Just mad cus u moved on

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 01/17/2013 - 5:21pm.

She Just mad cus u moved on to better and is trying to use your child to deliver her evil ignorance ..

my husbands ex and her damage to the kids

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 12/14/2012 - 5:03pm.

Although I am not the mother to these kids I have an opinion on this topic as well, my husbands ex seems to find joy in turning her own kids against their daddy. My step daughter and step son were so in love with her daddy and saw him as their hero and ever since we married his ex has been this monster who seems to think that its ok to do such a horrible thing. She laughs ,literally laughs in my husbands face when his kids yells “I hate you your not my daddy " she seems to have everyone fooled including the courts, she moved and hid the kids from us for three years and tells e courts that my husband abandoned the kids. She does not stop, she claims I beat the kids and that my husband did too. This topic is d to deal with because the kids hate us so much no one seems to help. We need help.

What do we do?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 12/07/2012 - 8:45am.

My step daughter comes home from her fathers visibly upset. She goes there every other weekend. She tells us his wife is always saying things like "your mom is so ugly, your mom is nasty, your mom is a liar, your mom is mean." This is a 9yo girl who loves her mother very much, but recently has been VERY emotional and noncompliant. She has asked "why does she always say those things about you mommy." How do we help her. We ask her if she believes the things that are said, and she says no, but, then why the aggression towards us. How, as the custodial parent do we protect her against the spoken word of people that are supposed to be trusted by her. She is confused and angry a lot.

Advice to you from my own experience....

Submitted by Been there myself (not verified) on Mon, 01/07/2013 - 3:40pm.

Hi there, I was in this exact same situation. Things with my exhusband were pretty terrible but I was floored by the change that his new wife brought to the situation. My daughter's new stepmother would bash me and tell her that I was mentally ill. The stepmother is a very social person and she always had "support personnel" around her to join in the bashing of me. The friends could and did bash me worst of all and then the stepmother would sometimes tone it down - classic "good cop, bad cop" bullying, plain and simple. All designed to shore up this woman's sense of ownership and self-esteem in my daughter's eyes.

I had the same ideas that this was happening due to the comments my daughter would make and then she was gradually won over and would bash me too. At first it was "two-faced" - bash me behind my back but put it out of her mind when we were together, but eventually she became very cruel and hateful toward me, literally aping the bashing that she was hearing. (You know this is what's going on when your 8-year-old child is belittling and ridiculing you over things like child support.)

My advice to you is DO NOT let this continue. I was very naive. I thought I didn't have a defense, and I was also psychologically and emotionally battered from years of abuse from my ex. The truth is, your child is egging you on to DO SOMETHING to stop this horrible situation that she can't cope with. If you fail to help your child, she will hate you for abandoning her and for being too weak to help her. The words she will use will be the ones she is being taught, but the motivation will be the deepest sense of abandonment and helplessness and it may never heal.

I was able to turn my situation around after awhile. My advice is:

NEVER EVER say anything retaliatory against the alienating parent. You must, no matter how horrific, set the example for your child to follow. Your child is unable to know how to relate to these spiteful mean people. You need to set the example for how to deal with them. You show the child that these words hurt your feelings and that you think they are not true. You say that you don't understand why the person has these feelings about you, but that it can be OK with you if the other parents don't like you. No one likes everyone all the time. To show the child that you have no hard feelings, send a little gift along with your child at the holidays, or an occasional packet of home made brownies, or offer in your child's hearing to help out with the driving or whatever. You encourage your child to talk to you about any issues because talking about our feelings is the way to create solutions. Listen to criticisms and make obvious changes in your behavior. You are showing your child an alternative to blaming and hatred.

It may help diffuse the situation to offer to the ex and the stepmother that you are always willing to meet and talk out any conflicts so that your child can have the best experience possible. It's helpful if the child knows this, you can mention it to your child when a litany of criticisms comes up ("I've told John and Jane that I will meet and talk with them if they have concerns, but they haven't called. I'm sorry they feel angry, but unfortunately their anger is theirs to deal with, that's what it means to be an adult. I'm always open to working with them to improve the situation.) I went as far as apologizing to the ex and his wife a few times to get them to tone down the criticism - "the velvet glove." It was my way of regaining some control over a terrible situation in the best interest of my child (my opinion of them and my personal injuries were not nearly as important as protecting my daughter).

Ordinarily I would never advise someone to cooperate with abusive bullying people, but as a parent, you must in order to protect your child. I considered legal action but I knew that in my situation it would make everything worse. (There was no physical or other violence, that does require intervention.)

My daughter is grown now. We are closer than she is with her father. As she's matured, she sees that he has personality problems. She doesn't trust him. She loves him and she can spend good time with him and his wife, and she needs that. What she learned from me is that she needs to assess and deal with her relationships, not get sucked in to codependency (PAS is essentially creating codependent children - "if you love me you will hate the other parent, that is what it means to love me. If you love us both I will not love you any more.") These dynamics will play out again when children grow and choose a partner. This is what is meant by the "cycle" of violence. My ex was like my dad, and I chose him because I was codependent to my dad. Breaking this cycle is the best gift you can give your child. You will both win.

Such a horrible feeling

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 11/28/2012 - 9:48pm.

When we divorced 7 years ago, my former spouse told our daughters that it was all my fault, that he didn't want the divorce, that I was bi-polar and that I was trying to take all his money (all made during our 16 year marriage). He cried in front of them and then begged me not to hire a lawyer (he is one). I agreed and we went through mediation, but he committed fraud on his financial affidavit and when I hired someone to help me stop him from deducting moneys at will from my child support, he went ballistic in front of the children as well. My second to oldest daughter ended up going to live with him at age 14 because every time I said no to something, he would say yes. He doesn't parent them. His sister told him to make his house fun so that the girls would want to spend time with him. They live like slobs, clothing and things strewn everywhere, limitless TV & video games, no rules, bedtimes or curfews, no responsibilities, etc., while I have maintained the same level of rules and responsibilities, plus expect respect from them. Little by little, the last two have turned against me, treating me horribly, even in public. They did this at their eldest sister's college graduation and all left early because they were exhausted from staying up late the night before with him. I am at my wit's end because now even the baby, who just turned 13 is doing the same to me. I sold the family home this past summer and not one of them lifted a finger to help pack up their things. I am beside myself, but can not stand to be in the company of the youngest one, who yells and screams at me while I am driving her around, won't follow rules of the house and lies about picking up her room, makes all kinds of demands and then treats me like a piece of dirt. I have lost all feelings of love for her. No matter what I do, she is hateful and defiant towards me. I had never heard of parental alienation, but that is definitely what I am feeling from her and two of her sisters. My eldest daughter and I are on good terms, but she is not the same as she was with me before the divorce. None of the children received counseling because he claimed they were all fine and didn't need it. They are falling apart and having all kinds of problems, and our relationship, as well as theirs among one another have been destroyed and are full of toxic emotions. My former spouse ignores anything I say to him about the situation, so I have surrendered the third and now the youngest to him. I cannot live with that kind of hatred day in, day out. I want to know what my parental rights are? I do not want to continue to enable and endorse their behavior.

These are tough times but

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 12/26/2012 - 1:40pm.

These are tough times but never abandoned your daughters. I always say parenthood is a long thank-you its not until they have kids and then realize what it is like and will feel remorse. But you dont ever want them to have the card of you abandoning them on you. Keep your rules and visitation plan fun things they enjoy then if they are disrespectful drive them back to there dads and say" I love you I will see you next weekend I have alot of fun things planned but if you insist on being disrespectful our time will be cut short" Keep doing this eventually they will see you are not the monster your ex has portrayed you to be and will look forward to being with you. Also pick your battles if they leave stuff lying around when they are with you just put it by the door in a pile so they have to search for things but if your house is a bunch of rules they will not come back. Its hard to keep a calm attitude a smile on your face thru all of this but when they grow up they will look back and realize you were a women who handled herself with grace and dignity and there dad was just a slob. It takes time don't get frustrated and enjoy yourself when they are not there so they can see you have moved on with your life and fulfilled dreams. Be a strong role model for them.

The exact same thing is happening to me now.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 12/17/2012 - 1:00am.

This is happening to me NOW, also. It is heartbreaking to see the two children that I devoted my everything to completely change. I was here to take them to school, pick them up from school . I struggled to maintain the family home, and now I am searching for someplace to live, because it is more fun at Dad's home. People say .."oh, they will come around when they figure out the grass is not greener over there" But when they figure this out, everything will be gone, our family home, precious memories and it saddens me so much. I know they are being taken advantage of, and that makes it difficult, because I tried to instill Godly morals and values, which have all been forgotten. And they treat me terribly now. How do you handle this? I love them with all of my heart, but when they are so disrespectful, I don't like who they have become.

Alienation - who's to blame?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 11/13/2012 - 2:47pm.

When I divorced, my ex-husband was a very ill alcoholic. I was very naive and emotionally unstable. Both of us came from very abusive homes. After the divorce, my ex gossiped and spread lies about me; tried to undermine my new family life by being demanding, uncooperative, and unreliable; and was basically unable to care for our daughter during his half of the time she stayed with him. We had joint custody.

I responded by screaming at him, invading his privacy, and pouring exorbitant emotional energy into a post-divorce continuation of the dysfunctional marital relationship.

During that time our daughter did not like spending time with her father. She was aligned with me. Several times my ex expressed to me that he was jealous, but he did so in a roundabout way that I failed to notice. I also, in complete innocence, believed that he would get it together and that he and his daughter would have a great relationship. I didn't imagine it as a competition between parents.

Things were not good, but somehow we all managed. Then my ex began a new relationship. He did not tell this woman about his drinking and she didn't find out until I had to call her to come and get him because he had arrived intoxicated to pick up our daughter. His new girlfriend simply didn't believe me when I told her that afternoon about his alcoholism. However, as time passed, she came to realize the depth of his alcoholism and did help him. Part of helping him was to boost him into "standing up" to me. It is true that I was emotionally abusive to him. It is also true that he was emotionally abusive to me. It isn't true that I was the cause of his alcoholism, or that the reason he was not as close to his daughter as I was with her was because I was alienating him.

I really did think that things would get better if my ex could put aside his rage and be constructive in his life. I thought that his behavior was the reason I was always screaming at him. I didn't know anything about codependency.

My daughter's home life was pretty unpleasant. However, once my ex began therapy and his new relationship, it was decided in his household that the reason that he suffered alcoholism and a poor relationship with his daughter was because I was alienating and abusing him. The gossip and backstabbing that my daughter had heard from him about me over the years escalated into a campaign to get her to see me the way he did: and to actively hate me. It was propsed that I was jealous of the new relationship and wanted to control my ex.

I was actually happy that he was in a new relationship and that he was getting help. I was not jealous, I was hopeful, and I didn't want to control him, I wanted him to control himself.

My daughter's behavior became more and more hateful toward me. I thought that it was due to the age, the new stepmother and their new household, and my own failings as a mother - which were many. Gradually my daughter began to sound like her father in her anger and eventually began to treat me with contempt. I was very unstable after the many years of dealing with my ex and my own unresolved traumas, and I transferred my emotional abuse to my daughter. I knew it was wrong and yet I felt powerless to stop it. She said the sight of me made her gag, if she saw a piece of my hair in the shower she wouldn't go in, she made sarcastic insults every time we were together, sneered at me every time she saw me... If I ever addressed her behavior or asked for an explanation she would say that she couldn't help herself from hating me because of "the way you are." I was beyond devastated and became more unstable. Eventually I had a nervous breakdown.

As I was trying to reconfigure my shattered life I began to notice things that I didn't want to see before: When I first met my ex's new child, who was 3, she spit at me. How I was told by my daughter that dinnertime at her father's house was spent bashing other people in the most cruel manner, how an acquaintance had actually come to my house to tell me what my ex was doing and saying about me (I shrugged it off at the time), how my daughter at 8 years old told me regularly that I "needed therapy," how a friend turned against me when she began working with my ex and told me that I didn't deserve to receive child support (even though I'd never mentioned financial matters to her)...

I looked around online and learned about parental alienation. Eventually I was able to talk with my daughter about it. The first thing I did was to change my behavior and truly apologize for the hurt that I caused. It was a hard thing to face but something I needed to do. The legacy of abuse that I was embodying had to end. I had to react with love when she treated me with contempt and disgust. It was excruciating. However, eventually things got better. I try to be kind and calm every day and to love in word and deed. Our relationship is vastly improved and my daughter learned a lot from my example in healing my emotional pain. We had a lot to forgive each other for. We are still working on it.

I have a hard time not blaming my ex for what he did to me and to his own daughter. I have a hard time not being angry. I don't speak to him any more because our daughter is 18 now. I don't think I forgive him, but I don't judge him. I just want this awful episode to be and stay in the past. It's been 2 years since my breakdown and the healing began. I still have a hard time with it sometimes: regrets and anger, mostly. But I'm looking toward the future.

New to PAS

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 11/06/2012 - 12:51am.

I am new to PAS as I have enjoyed a loving relationship with my son for 12 yrs until I divorced his father. Now I am victim to PAS as his Dad is being vendictive and is using my son to hurt me. I am sad. I am trying to be happy in my life I have now but at times I just want to break down....although it would do no good. I feel helpless, I feel I have lost my son and there is nothing I can do. Please pray for me- I can use all the help I can get.

I feel your pain.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 12/04/2012 - 11:40am.

I am a mother of three children, two from my first marriage, 16 & 11, and one from a subsequent marriage, daughter age 3. My youngest daughter's father and I separated about 8 months ago and she has had a really hard time with it. Her father was a SAHD since she was 5 months old. About a year and a half before we separated, he asked that I put her in daycare so that she could learn to be around other children her age, so I did. He and I have agreed upon shared custody of our daughter in that she is with him for a week & with me for a week. When we separated, my children & I left the family home & rented a house closer to my work. All of my youngest daughter's toys & things were left at his house. I have always been the "enforcer" with her because dad can't stand to see her cry. He gives in to everything that she wants & gives her her way. I feel that children need rules & structure. Once we were apart, he kept her out of daycare during his week & she had to go during my week because I have to work. He is still a SAHD due to disability. She almost never wants to come to my house when it's my week, she cries & cries & he steps in as the savior and says "You can come back whenever you get ready" or "Do you want to wait and go another day?" It infuriates me. He is destroying my relationship with my baby girl. He speaks ill of me in front of her, I know this because she tells me. He has a new live in girlfriend that my daughter seems to like. I am also dating someone, but he doesn't live with me. I just allowed him to meet my daughter recently & she told me that she can't like him because daddy said so. I'm just at my wit's end and don't know where to turn. I don't want to take her away from her daddy that she loves so dearly & limit their visits to every other weekend, but I also don't want our relationship destroyed ny his spitefulness. What in the world do I do?

Hi, I too am experiencing the

Submitted by Old Girl (not verified) on Tue, 11/20/2012 - 12:42am.

Hi, I too am experiencing the feeling of loss - my daughter, whose father abandoned us when she was a baby, reappeared when she was around 15. He has a "family" and she now identifies herself with them. She even shares their last name. I am not even mentioned as her mother on fb. She defriended me (I messed up by commenting on my dislike of one of many racy picture she posts - what happens on fb, stays on fb right) She once took a swing at me, wrote me hate mail indicating that i was "dead to her" she lies and she cheats (not unlike her father). The only time she contacts me is when she is desperate and needs a place to stay, or to store her dog. Then when we (my husband) do help, she moves out when we are at work (without notice) Last month I refused to help her again. We haven't heard from her. I feel horrible, and the whole family feels weird about all of this, but I don't feel the need to have a relationship with her anymore. I'm done...

Praying for you and me. I am

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 11/15/2012 - 12:14pm.

Praying for you and me. I am totally in the same boat as you with two of the three of my teenagers. My oldest son has seen through what is going on but my 16 and 14 year old are filled with hatred for me that their dad instills in them. It is so exhausting and I am emotionally spent.

abusive stepfather

Submitted by glen johnson (not verified) on Wed, 10/24/2012 - 1:00pm.

This different from reading comments above. I have spent 20+ years tying to reconnect with my children. I now have hit and miss type of relationship. It has been a slow process but I have stuck with it. I got to see my kids for the first time this past summer. Boy are they confused about me and what to do. They are in their 30's and have families and I am just a after though. My daughter broke down and told me that she was beaten by the stepfather while her mother sat with her eyes on the floor and did nothing to stop what was happening. This was 4 years ago. And she has had no contact with her mother or brother since. She also told me that her mother comes home from work and hits the bottle and does that until bed time. also Does not eat in the best of health. I have tried to reach out to my ex-wife. Of course I get nothing. The ex-wife and hubby had and have done everything in their power to make my relationship with my children a living hell when my children and I were growing up. It was so bad the judge and I were on a first name basis. I am having trouble sleeping and eating because this is stressing me. I live alone and am retired. Also I am not in a relationship because I can not give my attention and love to anyone. I know it because I resent my ex-wife for what she and her hubby have done. A very, very small part of me feels that the ex deserves everything that has happened to her. But I know the heart ache of loosing my children and I do not wish that on anyone including my ex. I am at a loss of what to do and I really want to help my ex. I hope it would also help my children and myself to heal.

PAS mostly BS

Submitted by Realistic (not verified) on Mon, 10/22/2012 - 5:20am.

To all the alienated parents on here complaining about the exes. You are online for the whole World Wide Web to read your comments that are FULL of negative, degrading and hateful remarks about your children's other parent. All the while, portraying yourself as a victim of someone else's behavior. THE EXACT BEHAVIOR YOUR SHOWING IN YOUR HERE THROUGH YOUR CHOICE OF WORDS. One tends to wonder if maybe, just maybe, your children have heard such negativity from you in the past? Perhaps they were paying attention when you weren't! Besides, all I'm hearing is ME ME ME or MY EX MY EX MY EX!! Very little is being said about THE CHILDREN involved, and how BOTH parents behavior may have affected them! I honestly feel that in a majority of "PAS" cases, neither parent feels like they were good enough at being parents (perhaps because of the family/marital breakdown) and the individual guilt is projected onto the other parent in a vain attempt to be declared " the better parent"!! The only forms of alienation I'm seeing ( in most cases) is the parents alienating themselves from their own RESPONSIBILITIES to their children!!!!

PAS delusions...?

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 12/23/2012 - 5:33pm.

My husband's two daughters openly distain their father and repeat the words used by their mother to disparage their father. Hateful pointless anger at a man whose major crime is that he left a high paying job that caused stress and depression to do something he loves but pays less...oh of course she believes it to be a deliberate attempt to shirk his responsibilties though 35% + of every cent he makes belongs to her. We live a block away, they have been divorced almost 10 years and I came on the scene two years ago so none this animosity should be aimed at me...ha! The girls will not come over to visit, not for dinner, not to spend an evening watching a movie...if it weren't for dinner at his parent's we would never see them though it's not fun watching them ignore their dad when he speaks directly to them or to hear them scoff when he speaks about his work. He is often bummed and confused as to why they hate him so openly. They occassionally call for money and hang up when the answer isn't yes. The oldest one is well over 18 but by enrolling in classes ensures the continuation of her monthly maintenance...she drops out shortly after and re-enrolls when the family maintenance department sends a note to mom saying payments for said child will cease because she is almost 20 and not in school...this a deliberate deceptive move. I would not for a second suggest my husband deny child support to his kids...but some moms have a way of making this a lifetime of misery and moneygrubbing...My own parents were divorced when I was young. Not one ugly word from either about the other in my presence...what kind of a parent wants to destroy the soul of their child?

criticising unfair and

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sun, 12/23/2012 - 3:45am.

criticising unfair and damaging criticsm is not hateful or alienating. it is trying to realign after others do not control themselves. to improve once it is recognised. you are so detached and in denial maybe you should find better things to do with your time instead of trying to build your ego by picking on people who have suffered and care about their children

Utterly ridiculous

Submitted by Tammy (not verified) on Tue, 11/13/2012 - 11:58pm.

PAS most definitely exists. This is a forum for adults to speak about their experience with this issue. It is perfectly reasonable for those faced with this issue to comment here freely. The fact that you reacted so incredibly strong to something you don't 'believe in' is very interesting to me...my guess is that the truth hurts.

I am not the pall

Submitted by Guest Jane (not verified) on Fri, 11/02/2012 - 8:19pm.

I am being kicked out of my own home essentially because I am the consequence parent (ie I took your texting off because you we're texting and driving) and my husband is the buddy parent (ie your mean mom won't let you smoke pot and have sex in the house). My kids are teenagers and they hate me but love him. You have mo idea how rotten some people can be. Right now I am moving out, my teenagers have their own place to s,ole pot and have sex and have no responsibilities (ie you got a d because your teacher is mean). I just got glared at by my teen and her friend, as they eat the food I bought and leave a mess for me to clean. Dad says they don't have to do chores. So pas exists.

PAS IS NOT BS

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 10/30/2012 - 8:18pm.

Parents should be able to post here as this forum was intended without fear of condemnation. Your post denies a palpable, very real syndrome by which all parties involved are affected. This syndrome is legitimate just as the parents who are affected by it have a right to support in said forum. You posted a non professional and uneducated title, referring to PAS as BS (translates to BULL SH*T - very nice use of language. How adult of you). It is apparent your time would best be spent away from a syndrome support group you feel is BS. There is no reason to generate hatred and accusations paired with alleged authority on said topic when you claim it does not technically exist. Very much a paradoxical stance to blow so hotly over. Furthermore, your comments are irrational, uninformed and erroneous at best. Look into your own ME syndrome and ask why you felt it necessary to slam those sharing support with one another with YOUR agenda. Clearly you have not been a parent of alienation. Your imagination, anger and uneducated stance on the matter is coming through with your angry post. Pot meet kettle.

fine line

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 11:32am.

I would like to just speak from the side of someone accused of this. There are times when a parent should be kept from their child and only allowed to see them in a safe environment. I am embroiled in an ugly divorce and neither one of my teenage children wants anything to do with their father because he is pathological, abusive and an alcoholic. I do my best not to say these things to my kids or around them, I go to the opposite extreme and tell them that regardless of his illness, he loves them and I do not condone them saying cruel things about him. Do I fall short....sure and I am fast to tell my kids that I was wrong and that I am sorry and that I need to work on that. 18 years of abuse and being human can do that. Just a thought....being a parent does not intrinsically give you the right to be with your kids. When you hurt them mentally, physically or emotionally that right goes away and "parental alienation" is being used by these predatory parents as a way to get their children back. My ex is welcome to have contact with his kids as court ordered and can increase it through getting help. His children would respect that and are willing to work on their relationship with him if he does. I wonder how much power we are removing from children by propogating that they MUST be with the opposite parent no matter what because, well, they are their parent. They are individuals. I am speaking from the perspective of older kids but the anger at either parent from the younger ones needs to be allowed and discussed. Divorce sucks and they are the innocents. I understand that there are so many confused and hurting children being used as pawns, but there are just as many that must be protected from abuse. They also need to be taught to recognize abuse and abusers so that they do not repeat these cycles themselves as adults. There is a fine line. Whatever side you are on, please, please get your kids into counseling through whatever means necessary. If you are not simply trying to alienate your kids, then you have nothing to lose and will listen to what the counselor says about your own parenting. They need a safe harbor in the storm and sometimes a trained, objective adult is the only one. Although I am being accused of brainwashing my kids, I stand firm in the knowledge that their father brainwashed them with his own behaviors. I am in the process of having God clean our hearts so that our brains may follow.

Children feel very vulnerable

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 4:47pm.

Children feel very vulnerable and confused when their parents are at odds with one another. We as adults assume that they reason like we do and depending on their age and personality, some do better than others. Parents often have to make the gut wrenching decision to protect children from danger - even if it is from the 'other' parent. I agree with this post in that counseling is vital and it should be based on learning how children (in general) tend to think about these upsetting situations. I suppose the most important thing to remember is the children tend to love both parents even if the parents are rotten to the core. That's just a human thing and it defies logic. When they are told their parent is bad - they get the message that they shouldn't love them. See the conflict there? They might say they don't love them and believe that but more than likely they do love them. This sets up an extreme conflict in their minds and hearts. When you truly love someone, they are a part of you and if you are think you shouldn't love that person, you end up not loving a part of yourself and can have extreme problems in life from that. No - it isn't logical. It's just a human thing. That's all I have to say and it's only a life observation so my advice is to not continually say bad things about any parents to children. Allow the children to love them but protect them from danger. God bless everyone!

Me case con un hombre mayor

Submitted by korin (not verified) on Wed, 08/15/2012 - 4:36pm.

Me case con un hombre mayor que yo, para ser exacta 20 anos mayor que yo, al principio todo era maravilla, cuando nos fuimos a vivir juntos todo cambio, ya estaba embarazada y las cosas fueron de mal en peor, hubo muchas veces maltrato físico y moral era constante, luego todo fue peor cuando nació mi hija, el me la quito y luego fue legal a trabes de los tribunales, hoy ya mi hija tiene 6 anos y el no me dejaba verla ni menos hablar con ella, ahora estamos en procesos judiciales, hace una semana me dejó ver a mi hija, incluso la pude traer a mi casa y estar juntas, todos los días la llamo y hablamos de lo mas bien, hoy cuando la llame la sentí diferente, me dice que no me quiere y que no quiere verme por supuesto que me sentí a morir y mientas hablaba con ella sentí una voz de mujer que le susurraba al oído las cosas que ella me iba diciendo mientras hablaba. Estoy segura y es mas que obvio que el padre esta influyendo en este cambio tan repentino. Algún consejo por favor

My children are now 7 and 6.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 08/07/2012 - 9:49pm.

My children are now 7 and 6. I divorced their father 2 years ago after 8 years of verbal, mental and some physical abuse. My children now seem like they are pulling away from me but yet their father can do no wrong? We have joint custody, him 7 days, me 7 days. I am their primary residential parent. I have never had the nerve to stand up to him whatsoever, not in the beginning or thru the divorce. I am finally able to stand up to him. He doesn't like this at all. And of course now since I've started standing up to him is when I've started having problems from him and my children acting different. The only reason I didn't fight him in the divorce is because I couldn't stand up to him at the time so I agreed to the half and half schedule. That was the biggest mistake I have ever made. I don't get any support from him, financially, nothing. If I mention anything about the kids behavior or the way they speak to me, he will say that's my own f-word fault. I don't have the money for an attorney, I feel like I have pleaded my case to any and everybody that will listen. Now what I'm going thru with him is, since I am primary residential parent my address determines which school they go to. (we live in Tennessee). Well I informed him when I moved (which is less than 100 miles like our papers say) and what school they were being registered. He said okay meet you there Monday morning. I said okay. Monday morning he didn't bring them to school and wouldn't answer my phone calls or text messages. Finally he did answer later in the day and said he had registered them and put them in school where he lives. They went yesterday and the principal informed him they can't return there so he just didn't send them to school at all today. I called my divorce attorney and of course he won't do anything without me rehiring him as my lawyer and giving him a retainer fee. I called the police and they can't do anything because this is a civil matter. I am fed up and don't know what to do? I am a single mom without any financial support from my ex husband or anyone else. I don't know where to turn? Is he doing this to hurt me?, I don't know but it does. It doesn't hurt me directly but it hurts me because it hurts my children....

Both parents need to do

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 4:57pm.

Both parents need to do everything they can to live close to each other. If the parent is in violation of a court order, you can file a contempt charge. Research it. Remember that this 7 days on and 7 days off is going to grow thin on the kids. They are going to want to stay put, usually in the house that has the most 'stuff'. You need to get counseling so that you are not emotional in front of the kids and the kids should be completely shielded from all of this turmoil. It's not about standing up to your ex, it's about the children - first, last and always. They are most likely in pain and feel like they are being bounced around. Move back to the town your ex lives in. Just do it and if he ever moves, you move. Ask God to help you and He will.

There are options for you!

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 08/11/2012 - 6:47am.

I am sorry you are going through this. If you have little or no income, there are still services that you may obtain for legal help. Here is some information on Legal Aid in your state: Tennessee Legal Aid of East Tennessee Program Phone: (865) 637-0484 Legal Assistance: (865) 637-0484 http://www.laet.org/ Legal Aid Society of Middle Tennessee and the Cumberlands Program Phone: (800) 238-1443 Legal Assistance: (800) 238-1443 http://www.las.org/ Memphis Area Legal Services, Inc. Program Phone: (901) 255-3447 Legal Assistance: (901) 523-8822 http://www.malsi.org/ West Tennessee Legal Services, Inc. Program Phone: (731) 426-1311 Legal Assistance: (800) 372-8346 http://www.wtls.org/ If your court papers say that you are the domicile parent, take a copy of your papers to the police station in the county in which the order was made. They can and will do something because your ex is in violation of a court order. It is also against the law for him to not send the children to school. You can also go to the court house and inquire on how to file a contempt of court charge on your ex yourself. Also, you should contact Support Enforcement Services and apply for child support. Their website can be found here: http://www.tn.gov/humanserv/cs/cs_main.html I hope this has been of some help to you and God bless.

Alienation but not complete estrangement

Submitted by NCPMom (not verified) on Thu, 07/19/2012 - 2:37am.

My children are 18 and 20 and have been living with their dad full time for the past 4.5 years. Prior to that time, ex and I shared 50/50 parenting time but were often in conflict. We both tried to impose our will against the other during the children's time with them, making it very difficult to defend our own home rules. He had very few rules while my husband and I had what we considered 'standard rules' (take your shoes off at the door, tidy your room once a week, do your homework, etc.) One of the biggest issues was bed time. I'd find my son sitting up well past midnight on a school night either texting or playing video games. According to my son, his dad would allow this at his house. Regardless of what the rules were, they were different than at Dad's and met with opposition. About a year before the kids finally moved to dad's full time, I got a call from my ex, explaining that I could finally have my wish. He was ready to pack the kids up and let me have them full time. Now. The kids were very upset when they arrived at our house but with a day or two, they were speaking to their dad as though nothing had happened. My daughter took a little longer to thaw out but did so when her dad talked about getting a Jack Russell Terrier puppy. That never happened but the suggest of a promise was enough to make the kids eager to return. Over the next year, a number of things went bad for my ex. He had already been unemployed for two full years and was running out of money so he took a loan out on his house with about $100K cash to use for living expenses. In addition to the home loan, he ran up over $100,000 in credit card debt. I can only guess that it had something to do with drugs and gambling but will probably never know the full story. Needlesstosay, he wound up in drug rehab for a month, then began preparation for Chapter 7 Bankruptcy immediately following his release from rehab. He also let the house go into foreclosure. Ten months later, he was discharged of all debt through the BK and about another 5 months after that, the bank evicted him from his home. He and the children now live in a rented town home not far from the house they lived in and my ex father-in-law pays for it, as well as signed his name to the lease. Back-tracking a little to the time ex was released from rehab, the children became cagey when they were with me and my husband. They were worried about their dad, since they weren't there to keep an eye on him. The relationships were strained and the children began to speak disrespectfully to me until one night it came to a head. My husband stepped in and pushed my son back, telling him he couldn't speak to his mother that way. He pushed a second time, which was when I made my way across the room to separate them. As my husband turned, my daughter swung her fist as hard as she could and struck the side of my husband's face. I was able to separate everyone until cooler heads prevailed and that was the end of anything physical. The kids called their dad and asked him to come pick them up and on the ride back to their dad's they told him what had happened earlier. Dad wanted to call 911 but son said "No Dad - don't do it. If you do, we'll never be able to go back there again." And they haven't, other than brief visits and one or two sleep-overs for holidays or pre-camping trips. For the next several months, I only saw my kids three or four times; usually to take them out for dinner somewhere. My ex took me to court for an emergency custody hearing, claiming child abuse but the judge disagreed, even though he DID agree it was unfortunate that my husband 'laid a hand' on my son. Now, 4.5 years later, I still rarely see them and the relationship has been extremely strained. Most recently, my daughter has cut off contact (including getting a new cell phone number that she has not shared with me) and thinks I'm bitter because I didn't "win" custody. I fought to retain the 50/50 parenting time; not full custody. She's also discovered that I posted something online that puts her dad in bad light, stating: "You've stopped talking bad about Dad around me and my brother but that doesn't stop your rants online." I have no idea what she was looking for or what she read but whatever it was, it was my outlet to express my frustration and hurt; not something I thought she'd be reading. I've searched my public posts and don't see anything "bad" out there. Regardless, just because I've refrained from talking about their dad when the kids were within earshot, does not mean my opinion of him has changed or that HE has changed. I'm just sorry she read whatever it was she did. I miss my kids terribly and it feels awkward now to try to hug them (like we always used to do). Things literally changed overnight and have never been the same.

You have to try harder to see

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 5:30pm.

You have to try harder to see your children. They may not respond immediately, maybe act like they don't care but they do. These kids have been through hell - they have a father who has problems, they have to contend with a stepfather, they have a mother that needs to get over angst with the ex (in your heart). Remove from your heart all bitterness. Is all this easy? No but it's the only way.

He's trying to win my son's affection.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Sat, 06/30/2012 - 11:18am.

I'm in a dilemma that maybe some of you can help me with. After nearly 10 years of being apart and 6 years of divorce, My ex is STILL extremely vindictive and will not stop at nothing to try and hurt me. He has done everything in his power on trying to make me miserable but yet has never accomplished that. I had left him because of his controlling and abusive behavior. Yet, he projects all the issues on me as if everything is my fault still. In his eyes, the whole world is screwed up but he's ok! I can go on and on about the things he does but that would be pointless. All I can say is that there is always a new surprise from him the next day about an ridiculous issue. The big joke is what's next? But getting to the main reason here. He has found a way to get under my skin. He is using my youngest son to get back at me. My youngest never really bonded with him because he had left for jobs out of state and decided to leave us to marry another woman who ended up dumping him. He came back and I tried to work it out. After two years of hell, I decided to leave him when our son was 2. I never kept our kids a way from him but he will say otherwise. I have always kept an open line of communication for the kids to connect but he finds ways to make it look as if I am keeping them away from him. Always one excuse after another. So my rule in the house is no violent games, movies or toy guns in the house, period!!! Well, my ex knows about this rule and decided to win my youngest sons affection by allowing him to play with BB guns, play violent Xbox, games and so forth. I am not happy! Last night, my son told me he hates his life and wants to commit suicide. Mind you, he's 10!!!! I monitor what he watches, and what he does on the internet. Believe it or not, I am very laxed with things but I have my limits to protect they're innocence. The man cannot find another way??? Why does he have to use that as a way to hurt me? Do I have any rights? What do I do about this? I am dealing with a very angry man who promised me (the only promise he's ever kept) that if I left him, he'd make my life miserable. So he can't touch me, but he's brain washing my youngest son against me.

Your son feels helpless.

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 5:48pm.

Your son feels helpless. Always remember, he loves both of you. What he wants most of all is the fighting to stop. Nothing and I mean nothing including BBguns and video games will take away his innocence more than his parents fighting over him. He does not see the world the way you do. He doesn't want to be fought over. He feels torn. The pressure of this situation is making him feel hopeless because he does not have the ability to figure it out no matter what you say. Take him out somewhere nice, like a walk in the woods and spend the day just hanging out and see if you can get him to feel open enough to answer this question - how is all of this making you feel. Don't correct him but just listen. Tell him it's okay and let him cry. Tell him how sorry you are about how all this turned out and that you are going to commit to making it better and then do it. Don't break your word either because if you do, he won't trust you to open up again. If he says you have done something to hurt him, listen and apologise and promise to change the situation. Is it hard? Yes, but it's the only way. If your ex gets under your skin, learn to not let it. Learn to just let it go for the sake of the child. You can learn to not let people hurt you because you are an adult but a child does not have that ability. He just want's to be 10 years old. Let him. He sounds like a typical boy and that's a beautiful thing.

Your ex is very sick and if

Submitted by Ellen Caamano (not verified) on Thu, 08/02/2012 - 7:26pm.

Your ex is very sick and if at all possible keep your kids especially the 10 yr old away from the father as much as possible, altogether, if possible. I was advised this from a very good teacher of my daughter 8 years ago when my daughter was 11. I was already so vilified by the family from whom I kept all the hell that the abusive drunk was putting us through for years. I was deathly afraid if I tried anything against the "good" father legally I'd lose my 11 yr old daughter and 19 yr old son for good. I've prayed, hung in there still under the same roof with him and our now 19 yr old daughter. Just a few minutes ago, when I asked my 28 yr old son if he agreed with me that his sister should stay away from a friend, Emily, of hers who was in rehab and has an ex-boyfriend who has a gun for "hunting" but the boy was flipping out cause some16 yr old girl druggie went and said things to the boy that infuriated him about his ex-girlfriend, the one my daughter is friends with....my daughter commented to the girlfriend do you think he'll do something (meaning use his gun in anger) the girl said she was afraid he might hurt himself....to me this is all red flags and I told my daughter to stay away from people like that ...I want to tell the girls mom what I know and ask her if she knows about the gun....the mom asked my daughter to actually stay at the (in danger and worried) friends house for a week while the mother is away....I told my daughter no way...her father says she's an adult, she's 19, tells me I'm exagerrating and my son chimes in on their drunken fathers side ....again.....after so many years...it only gets more dangerous and difficult and I'm still the crazy psycho according to my son and his father....WHAT A MISTAKE TO HAVE STAYED IN THIS HELL OF A DYSFUNCTIONAL, ABUSIVE MARRIAGE TO A SELF-INFLATING DRUNK WHO COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THE SAFETY OF OUR KIDS...HE SAYS THEY'RE NOT KIDS...THEY'RE ADULTS.....PLEASE GET OUT....KEEP YOUR KIDS AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE FROM THE TOXIC FATHER...IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE....I TAKE MEDS FOR ANXIETY, PANIC, DEPRESSION AND TO SLOW MY HEART DOWN....HE CONTINUES TO PLAY GAMES ON THE COMPUTER, DRINK IN EXCESS, SMOKE, READ NOVELS AND SMILE....THAT GOD HE'S ALREADY 68 YRS. OLD......33 YR MARRIAGE (OF HELL) BUT I'M ABOUT TO GET OUT AND IF THE KIDS WANT TO DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM ME (I'M THINKING FINALLY LATELY, THEY MAY NOT DISTANCE THEMSELVES FROM ME) MY 32 YR OLD WANTED ME TO SPLIT YEARS AGO...I THINK MY DAUGHTER DID TOO BUT WAS ALWAYS AFRAID TO SAY SO ...I'M SURE SHE IS SOMEWHAT IF NOT ALOT AFRAID OF HER NASTY DAD AND BROTHER (AT TIMES , AT TIMES...THEY'RE "NICE")........I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOU DEAR....WHAT A HEARTBREAK....YOUR TEN YEAR OLD IS PROB EXTREMELY UPSET WITH THE CONFUSION....WANTS TO LOVE AND OBEY YOU BUT HIS MISERABLE "POWERFUL" DADDY HAS "POWER"....BUT IS MORE TOXIC THAN ANYTHING.....YOUR SON/SONS WILL HAVE PEACE AWAY FROM THE TOXIC FATHER.....GOD BLESS'

This advice is not good. This

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 5:57pm.

This advice is not good. This person has some angst and they are projecting their frustration into your situation. If you tell your son he can't see his TOXIC FATHER, what you will have is a rebellious teenager who will hate you one day. If the father is a danger to the child, get supervised visitation set up or in the case of a very dangerous person, you should then seek a restraining order but your description of the situation doesn't not seem to be at that level. This woman needs her meds checked or something, not sure but I would not take her advise.

Yeah, that's an effective

Submitted by Realistic (not verified) on Mon, 10/22/2012 - 5:41am.

Yeah, that's an effective strategy. If you can't beat them join them???? While Mom and Dad are busy playing war and licking their wounds in public, I hope someone is really listening to this 10 yr old boy IN DESPERATE NEED OF HIS PARENTS ( both of them) to worry about how HE feels HE is being treated! So not good advice.

Amen

Submitted by Realistic (not verified) on Mon, 10/22/2012 - 5:24am.

Amen

Be very very careful

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 11:09pm.

What he is doing is called Parental Alienation and eventually if he keeps up your son will develop parental alienation syndrome. He is grooming this child to be a monster who will eventually turn on you. Sounds like your ex might be a Narcissist or suffer from NPD which makes him very dangerous. Take your child to a Parental Alienation Psychologist and get the name of a Parental Alienation Expert attorney. Be proactive and ready. You can try to handle this on your own but good luck with that - if you aren't careful he will turn your son against you. Regarding your discipline - be very careful - he will use it against you - honestly don't play into it - it might mean that you will need to be less strict. My son stole from me because Dad told him to - my older sons hit me when I tried to discipline them. Get help fast.......and do your research. Understand what is going to happen next.

PAS

Submitted by Guest michael goldwater (not verified) on Sun, 06/17/2012 - 1:33pm.

After ten (10) years of marriage, my former spouse left with our 26 month old daughter on Friday, January 18, 1991. My daughter has had 440 hours contact with me, her father, since then. Today is Fathers Day 2012. 440 hours of contact with my daughter. No contact with my daughter for nine (9) years. I do not have knowledge whether or not she is alive or dead, where she lives, etc. I have been incarcerated three (3) times by the local authorities for using the court system to try to obtain, legally, visitation with my daughter back between 1991 and 1997. Each time my attempts failed and I was punished by being awarded with an increase in child support. Although allegations of domestic violence were made by the former spouse, the actions never occurred. The allegations were made a matter of record to allow custody by the courts for our daughter to be in favor of my former spouse. My daughter hates me with all the gusto one can muster up in ones mind. Starting at age fourty six (46) I have suffered two heart attacks, May 1997 and September 1998. I was not to live by my former spouses wishes. But I have survived. I went back to school and earned BA in Legal Studies/Criminal Justice, a Masters in Forensic Sciences, thesis : Parental Alienation Syndrome. I have two (2) years of law school under my belt. I have been happily married to an outstanding women for over nineteen (19) years. My law practice will be limited to federal court civil rights violations and abuse by state employees dealing with children. These individuals are not above the law and there are no statute of limitations in federal court, federal civil rights violations. The millions of children that have been deprived their rights to be raised by BOTH parents will have their day in court. I cannot help my daughter, she is beyond hope. But, I can destroy those that prey on innocent children and in their greed, destroy that which they say their helping. Oh, by the way, there is no real money in what I wish to do. I will be bucking the entire family state court system. Michael Goldwater, HMl, USN (ret) BA, MFS, 2L

PAS

Submitted by Kathryn VanDine (not verified) on Mon, 12/31/2012 - 11:12pm.

I feel they are above the law.I have been dealing with this for years and cannot make any progress.Even with pictures of bruises, a police report and a jounal of all the mental and physical abuse.The court is turning a blind eye.I am out of money and can't fight anymore.I commend you on your perserverance.Maybe there is hope for others as my son of 16 just started alienating me.I had the feeling that this was our last Christmas together.Before he was not allowed to call me by my ex husband but I activated my used cellphone and he is not calling me at all.My caring thoghtful loving son has turned materialistic and shallow.What a shame.He could have been a wonderful contributor to society. Nicholas' mother who will still forever Love him....Detroit,(Wayne County) Michigan.

Good for you. I had never

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 09/26/2012 - 6:19pm.

Good for you. I had never heard of PAS until recently. It is a nasty form of child abuse but not easily proven in court but think it's another one of those syndromes that can be used incorrectly. I believe that undermining a parent to a child is so incredibly damaging and it does long term damage. Narcissistic personalities tend to do it. We have all these laws to protect children from physical abuse but not much for emotional. Just read some of the posts on this site. Hear how the parents denigrate each other and fight over the child like it was a possession. Children feel absolutely hopeless when faced with this. They do not know how to process it, they love both their parents and that's all they know. I wouldn't give up on your daughter, maybe send her cards and presents on her birthday. Don't get 'deep' on her, just let her know you care. Do it consistently over years and each time that card goes out, place your hand on it and ask God to bless her. You could send her a piece of jewelry, like one of those bracelets that you can add jewelry to (can't think of what they are called) and every year send her something to go on the bracelet. Write a poem in a card that dedicates the jewelry piece. Women don't throw away jewelry. Do this consistently for years and years - expecting nothing in return. Just do it. Do not write letters explaining what happened to you and her mother. It's too late for that. Just let her know you think of her. Don't give up. She will look at that bracelet one day when you are gone and think, you know - I think he really did love me and she will feel whole. Oh, and please wrap the present nicely and spend some money on the jewelry. You're a lawyer so you can afford it. (t-hee) God Bless...

Michael, Hi - there is still

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 11:15pm.

Michael, Hi - there is still hope for your daughter you never know as an alienated child I came back to my mother and realized that my father was deeply troubled - I wanted nothing to do with him for what he did to me - he had no right to badmouth about her. Good for you for turning your life around. At least the Alienator doesn't win that! Regarding your plans on the federal level - you might want to contact Joan at http://www.pas-intervention.com/PASI/Home.html as she has similar plans.

Parent alienation

Submitted by Charles Schillaci (not verified) on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 8:27am.

Wow. You really did good for yourself. My issue since July 2010 I have barely seen my 3 children last time I saw them was July 18,2011 1 yr today with supervised visit. My ex wife has made it her business to stop any contact with my 3 children In order to sign the divorce I had no choice in new York to take 1 yr oop against ex and 3 kids lawyer said either that 30000 in legal fees I gave up joint custody! What a mess. Any suggestions. I love my kids this parent aielnation is really getting Me sick

some men are being punished for being great dads

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 12/04/2012 - 12:19pm.

I'm reading all these comments, mostly from women who deal with controlling & punishing x's. But my husband has been put through the extreme ringer for being a dad who wanted to be deeply involved in his daughters life.I have watched him go way out of his way for his bio daughter & his x's daughter for years, picking them up faithfully every other weekend & on every wednesday for several years.He even continued to do so when his x moved them 45 mins from us & my husband has been in college again. Even though his child cupport was 800$ monthly & he's only a school teacher, he still tried to buy them nice things here & play with them all the time.His x was always bossing him & making demands & subtle threats if he wasn't on her perfect way page. All his & shes the one who was having an affair with a married coworker while he stayed at home with the children & she said she was "studying"for college! He tolerated it until she took all rights away from him on the non-bio daughter & told him he wasn't ever her father & her visitations were always "her option" even though he raised her since 1 yr old & she has no father.After that painful mess, he stopped bowing to her every whim, her very controlling & naggy, bossy ways; she didn't like that because he always bowed to the queen before, so she punished him. HE spanked her 2x in 3 years & it was 3 pops on the rear standing with clothes on.It was for extreme bad behavior & we talked to her to try to get into her heart & even prayed with her & said we wanted to see her live a blessed life & behavior like she displayed wouldn't produce a happy life.His x said nothing until she found out he got a new(used) car.He has a 15 yr old car, which was breaking down.See, she had been nagging him about refinancing the house so she can get her 5000$ from him off the house.(even though shes already collected over 30,000$ since child was born-daughter is 8)So to punish him because she thought he was wasting money on "himself" & not "her", she had him served at his work for him spanking his daughter half a year ago! Long story short, he lost all custody rights & has her for 4 hr visitation,evrey other Sat. He is never allowed to have her here playing the wii or any games again, playing ball,picnics, us baking cookies,watching movies,never can take her out of town or the park or to get icecream,ever again! The worse part of it, his daughter was upset with him for grounding her from her electronic & tv entertainment , so she lied to the lawyer & all involved & said she was scared & felt unsafe at our house & her dad scares her when he gets mad ,which is a lot. I have to stop here & say>this man has been the most patient,low voiced,easy going & fun loving dad I've known. How does a child betray such a wonderful dad to a mother who only spends her time on herself & her career?She doesn't even spend quality time with her.WE did more with her than her own mother did.This child has been telling extreme lies & stories about so many things for so long & we finally found out it ws about us too! My husband has only seen her for 5 mins, one time since then for her birthday,its been 2 months.They stood & stared at him within 10 ft of us! No privacy whatsoever! & his daughter acted as if it was all a stranger she was talking to;she was very distant & cold.The last time we had his daughter before she got taken away from our house, the daughter told him she'd rather go home to mom for the weekend than get grounded & be bored.WoW! Well I think it's absolutely horrible what both instigating mothers & fathers are doing against the other parent & they are only hurting that child ultimately in the long run! I have seen a lot of crap during the course of theses past years with all this mess & my husband did EVERYTHING right! I seen a VERY SPOILED child(ren) who got EVERYTHING they wanted,were never taught how to be lovely young ladies & were catered to by all around them with ALL the luxeries of theses modern day kids.I saw selfish hearts revealed & all those invloved punished a selfless hearted father! Its crazy crap!I say neither of them deserve him any way!There are a lot of controlling, lying, instigating,selfish,cruel hearted parents (yes mothers too)who will answer to God for their actions & secret ways one day & there will be NO Excuses then & no crooked, unrighteous law to hide under then. What happened to people doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do & treating others fairly, like the way they would want to be treated? I hope yours goes much better than this but to whichever way it goes......LIVE! Live your life to its fullest,enjoy the things that make you happy,enjoy the good relationships you have & NEVER let that X get to you so bad to where your miserable with life, because that is exactly what they want.

Charles, Under no

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 11:21pm.

Charles, Under no circumstances should you allow this to break you either emotionally or financially. You can only do your best with what you have to fight for your kids. Do whatever you can. If you still have legal custody then use it - be a part of their lives and keep trying but the key is that you must be happy, healthy, successful and prosperous because your kids might come back to you one day and you want to show them that you have a life that you want to share with them. PAS can go both ways - some kids are salvagable and some are not. Either way - keep your head up - stay proud and keep marching on. If you fail, laugh it off and try again. See if you are happy your ex will feel stupid and then act stupid. Eventually her true colors will come out. Hang in there - check out many facebook pages: https://www.facebook.com/StopCourtOrderedParentalAlienation

Justice

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 06/28/2012 - 6:14pm.

Good for you. Someone that is finally doing something about the unfairness in our court system. The bias against father's needs to end. Children have the right to enjoy both parents equally, those that try to interfere with that right need to be punished. Jen V. Single Mom of 3

Services

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Tue, 06/26/2012 - 8:27pm.

Any advice for a Dad who is actively training his children what to say in court against their Mom.

Father's Day and Pain

Submitted by Longing (not verified) on Mon, 06/25/2012 - 3:00pm.

Dear Micheal, My heart goes out to you. I have been dealing with my divorce for the past 5 years, after 12 years of marriage. Today, I just received an email that Dad purchased a car without me with out oldest son. I am ignored, put down, and yelled at. I am manipulated and my kids are suffering the most with 50/50 custody. He uses money to control because he can . No matter what I have tried, he seems a step ahead and I do not know what to ask for. I am a good Mom and I keep praying to know what I can do to stop his cruelty. He has started trying to turn the kids against me, by putting me down. this Father's Day I was told how I ruined his day by trying to confirm plans via email and picking the kids up from work. We have had mediatars, parenting coordinators, and attorney, but is all comes down to money. He has far more. I have had numerous health issues, to which he says he does not care and tries to turn it against me. Waiting to bring my shattered pieces into stained glass beauty. ~J.C.

Longing, You will probably

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 11:28pm.

Longing, You will probably never stop his madness - it is for him to stop and he most likely won't. You though can stop allowing it to affect you. Laugh it off - here he goes again - he is pathetic - he is a joke. As for the kids - therapy - but only with an expert in Parental Alienation ONLY As for you - get an attorney who handles Parental Alienation ONLY He will use his money against you that is why you must have a great attorney to get lawyers fees for you. No matter what be happy, healthy, successful and as prosperous as possible and don't let it out if you are upset. Read up on Parental Alienation and PAS - I have lots of resources here - https://www.facebook.com/StopCourtOrderedParentalAlienation Be very very careful PAS kids can become dangerous quickly. You might be put in a position that you are damned not matter what you do - nothing you can do about it - shrug it off and move on. Again, feel bad for these kids - it is them he is hurting not you. Good luck

it's not just women that do this by the way

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Thu, 06/21/2012 - 11:53am.

I included that comment in my subject line since the blogger below is accusing women of doing the majority of parental alienation. I am a women and I haven't seen my children since 2006 and my psychotic ex promised me that he would destroy my new family after I re-married and as a result completely alienated both children. The judge in Hillsborough County FL - Monica Sierra was a joke and said that she couldn't make the children come to see me. As a result the longer he kept them without the court support, the more justified he was in asking for child support. The judicial system is broken here when bright people who sit on the bench and make decisions can't recognize what is happening to children. I am planning to re-unite with my children as soon as the youngest turns 18 so that there will be no issue with making contact with them.

Yup - I am a woman too and I

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Wed, 07/18/2012 - 11:31pm.

Yup - I am a woman too and I have 4 alienated kids.....these people are Narcissist and the kids will either hate them or hate themselves or both. Nothing good comes of this strategy but it is still done. The Courts are being negligent. They don't know what they are doing and causing a lot of damage. https://www.facebook.com/StopCourtOrderedParentalAlienation

5 Signs Your Ex is Turning Your Child Against You

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