How Important Is Intimacy To A Marriage?

How Important Is Intimacy To A Marriage?

Posted to by First Wives World on Thu, 08/23/2012 - 8:19am

The question, "How Important Do You Think Intimacy Is To A Marriage” was recently asked on the boards, and the responses were sincere, honest, and inspiring.

So, we'd thought we share some of the responses with the larger community (edited and anonymously of course).

  • I think emotional intimacy is critical and some level of sexual intimacy is necessary. The research is clear that sex is how men express love/feel love. Both were absent in my marriage; emotional intimacy always and  physical left after kids, elderly parents, two jobs etc. arrived. (Sleep left too!)
     
    • First and foremost, it is important to designate whether you are discussing Sexual Intimacy or Emotional Intimacy. While my marriage didn't lack for sex, it was 99% "all for him" most of the time. In retrospect, I can clearly see where he really didn't care if I enjoyed sex with him or not.

      As far as Emotional Intimacy, that also became clear in retrospect. It is IMPOSSIBLE to achieve true emotional intimacy with someone who can effectively compartmentalize their feelings and who refuses to speak from their heart! The X was the MOST emotionally constipated human being I have ever known. Nuff said

      Incidentally, the OW must have gotten her fill of him as that whole thing ended not two years AFTER our divorce was finally final. I have been blessed many times over since all of that went down. I found a man who is very good at sharing his thoughts and feelings and who is also takes great care to insure that I enjoy making love with him! Life is Good!
       
    • It was very important to me, though apparently not so important to him.  I worked hard to get a flow of intimacy going between us but got very little in return and gave up in the end.  I was a stay at home mom, so was prepared to accept life with little-to-no intimacy, but now that he's left I feel like I've been given a second chance at finding it! 

      The fact we were living like roommates made his leaving easier to deal with.  There was no emotional connection left.  My only concerns about him leaving were financial ones! I'd been my own source of emotional support for years so was well equipped to cope without him!
       
    • I too think this was high on the list of reasons for my divorce.  I met my husband 30 pounds overweight and I still am.  Except at the very beginning of our relationship he has always had a problem with it.  I don't like it either, but the more pressure he put on me (and emphasis on it), the lower my self-esteem and the less attractive I felt and the less comfortable I was that he found me attractive. 

      Over the years I've wanted to address this, but he always told me it was MY problem, not our problem.  Not very comforting either.  So I tried to be the best wife possible in every other way and the best mother.  In the end, I was never "good enough" in his eyes and in my own over time.  For years, we have been best friends and roommates with occasional benefits but the damage was done.  It is so sad to know that he didn't care enough about me or love me enough to work on things.
       
    • It is really important. And part of what had been so confusing is we still had intimacy even during the time I later found out he was having an affair. But what lacked was intimacy in the truest sense. He wasn't intimate with me about his feelings or thoughts. He was my best friend, my lover, and everything I wanted in a husband. I miss him everyday, but I know what he has done does not a good life make.

      I wish he was the person he presented himself to be. The man I loved was incredible. And I am terrified I won't ever find true intimacy. I want it all. I thought I had it. I am still working on healing my heart. But I hope someone someday shows me love in ways I just don't know are possible yet.

Comments

Its more than just physical for anyone...

My biggest pet peeve is the comment that states men express love via physical intimacy.  That appears to diminish the expression of the other forms of intimacy- importantly that given by EMOTIONAL intimacy.  If nothing else, I have learned that that mental connection od love, trust, and respect is CRUCIAL to fostering the physical intimacy aspect.  With it, the physical connection "seals the deal" of a solid relationship. Without it, the physical is more like a festival if "rutting".. It could be done with anyone, anything.   Having said that, I agree that it is important to have the physical attraction there. Thats part of our human (and blissfully animal) nature.  But after the initial excitement- the thing that really perpetuates a good relationship is the ability to have a good conversation, laugh, meet each other eye to eye, and keep each other interested on ALL levels, not just physical.

Intimacy in Marriage

I believe imtimacy and mutual respect go hand-in-hand in a marriage. I thought we had intimacy because we talked all of the time and he was never denied sex unless there was a medical reason. Even than his "needs" were taken care of. I would listen to him and try my best to make sure his needs were taken care of. I would express my thoughts and concerns and waited for him to return the respect I gave him. As the years went by only his needs were being taken care of more and more, and I got less and less. I found myself trying to keep up with his "constant changing" of needs and getting nothing back. At the end he said I didn't stroke his ego. I was tired of being threatened with divorce when I expressed my needs. By that time I had given up and started to take care of me. I didn't require much, just a few small things that I guess were to much for him. I wanted him to stop groping me like a 17 year old touching female parts for the first time, be a "Dad" to his kids, and cut back his hours so we could spend time together. I truelly came to resent his touch but gave in. He did not care about what made me happy in regards to "us". True intimacy is a byproduct of mutual respect and a genuine concern for each others well being. So is intimacy inportant in marriage, YES, but it is very rare.

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