Just when you thought it was safe to use the "Marriage" word again, someone goes and does something really stupid. Like my friend who’s talking honeymoon with a guy who would be her husband number two. The man I repeatedly refer to as Mr. Mistake.
Any one of the three big Ms can get you in trouble. Whether it’s marriage, money, or midlife crisis, each can result in the fourth big M (madness). There are no easy answers in the psychological jungle of singledom, just tools – like perseverance and attention to detail. But add that to the list of “the things my mother never told me.”
The most obvious M word, marriage, is why we’re all here. Letting go of the old life, watching a new life emerge is much more than patiently nurturing the bud of a cocooned caterpillar morphing into a butterfly.
I know my transition was more like a train wreck than a gentle transformation from one state to the next. Patience, my dears – patience! My phone and email jump with stories of women age 35–50ish that are going completely bonkers, jumping into second marriages for all the wrong reasons.
Did you know that women use 20,000 words a day while men only use 7,000?
March is Women’s History Month. I still don’t understand why it isn’t women’s herstory month, but I’m doing everything I can to change that. Language is very important, as we 20,000-a-day women know. It’s the only tool we have to claim our power short of shouting. That’s why we tell our kids to “Use your words!”
Meanwhile, I’ll just keep ranting. According to the national women’s history project, before 1970, women's history was rarely the subject of serious study.
As historian Mary Beth Norton recalls, "only one or two scholars would have identified themselves as women's historians, and no formal doctoral training in the subject was available anywhere in the country." Since then, the landscape has changed dramatically. Today almost every college offers women's history courses and most major graduate programs offer doctoral degrees in the field.
Standing on the podium at the National Arts and Club with a microphone in hand, I stumbled, trying to remember Susan B. Anthony’s famous words, "Failure is impossible." What came out instead was, “Never give up.”
Other Susan B. Anthony Award recipients took turns giving speeches and receiving their awards. I’ve never really been one for giving or getting prizes, but as I write this, the night after the Oscars and almost a week after the NOW-NYC gathering, I realize how important it is to be recognized by your peers.
My plaque sits on the piano, and somehow makes tangible all the hours, days and years I’ve spent speaking with women. Listening to their struggles and brainstorming ways to make marriages, divorces, careers, families, and personal passions less of a struggle and more of a joy.
Empowering women to find their voice is what really gets me going, and I honestly believe the breakdown of American marriage is one of the more obvious signposts for how much work American women still have to do to change limiting behavior in their personal lives and homes.
There’s a lot going on lately! The world’s buzzing with news of prominent people spiraling down the economic ladder. Local populations are exploding with octuplets and hate mail, while millions just got done grooving with the new and changing political landscape.
I battened down the hatches and took to traveling this winter, without so much as a glance backwards at my stuffy little town, full of gossips and gadflies. If the world is going to hell in a hand basket, I’m going to enjoy every last minute!
I headed west, first stopping in Los Angeles for the Go Green Expo. (Highlights? Lotsa cute twenty-somethings wearing organic cotton loin clothes while waving peace flags.) I flirted my way into the DomeGuys.com, and pounded drums with raw abandon until the walls of the Los Angeles Expo center started to shake.
Then on to Glendale to see my brother and sister-in-law, where we read our Bibles and prayed for duller times.
Last year this time, I was utterly alone in the dating pool and doing backstrokes. Actually I felt like I was drowning, until I hauled myself out of the pool, loofa-ed myself off and shed my old skin.
Internet dating was new for me, but I decided to boot up and list myself on Match.com, eHarmony, even Craig's list (that was a little scary) for the holidays.
First I had to determine the geographical area of my Internet dating pool. Westchester and New York City held no allure. The competitive, combative, and — frankly — sometimes untrustworthy Kings of Everything didn't interest me. Not anymore.
I was looking for the real thing and that meant doing a pretty in-depth self-analysis.
The best phrase I could come up with was, "Rugged Individualist." What else do you call a pink-haired, 50 year old rocker mom, mother of four, lupus survivor like myself?
I figured "Rugged Individualist" was a pretty good fit.
So where do Rugged Individualists live? Alaska seemed too far, but Maine was only a five-plus-hour car ride, which might do.
My family is crazy. When I think of all the things I've survived, I not only feel lucky, I feel amazingly blessed. I decided a long time ago to take it one day at a time, and I do!
After gliding through the New Hampshire holiday with extended family, kids, and new boyfriend, I got online today and booked Christmas and February break, too. I am not afraid.
Sure, there was drama over Thanksgiving, but what would a family vacation be without some swearing, reminiscing, and rehashing?
My family and I took stabs at each other between the hugs, tears, and promises to always stay in touch. Then we said our goodbyes as if this was our last week on earth. The stock market is going to hell in a hand basket, but I continue to breathe deeply and say to myself over and over, this too shall pass. I reassure myself that I'm still here and body/mind are functioning well, so what the hey?
Guess what? Like Madonna, I am stumbling, shaking, smashing, and dancing my way through the effects of my divorce. From the interviews I've read, she's not having an easy time of it.
Even though it seems she'll hang onto most of her cool hundreds of millions, someone recently told me that prosperity isn't how much money you have, but how "well off" you feel. Honestly, if that's the case, then I'm rich!
The holidays can be a crazy time. Self-sacrifice and stress can lead to negative emotions, and leave you feeling vulnerable and tired. People like Madonna keep their heads screwed on straight by staying creative and expressive. They always remember to make time for themselves, because if you're not good to yourself, then you won't be good for anyone else.
This month, Madonna's on tour with her band. She says that keeps her from feeling too sorry for herself and all the messy divorce proceedings.
My band's on break this fall, because my keyboard player just had throat surgery and is on vocal rest. So the only tour I'm going to do right now is the one I'm taking with my kids on Thanksgiving.
