Episode 8: The Thought of Him

Excerpts from "The Petty Chronicles" every Monday

Posted to House Bloggers by Rachel Gladstone on Mon, 01/30/2012 - 7:58am

I’m lonely tonight and I miss him. Well, not him exactly. It’s more like I miss the thought of him. The good him, the man I married with my heart a-flutter. The man who always made me feel safe, until he didn’t and it all went south with us. But still… I am lonely. And tired.

There is so much to do around this 100 year-old house we bought together. We both thought that restoring it would save our floundering marriage, kind of the same impulse people have when they think that having a baby will bring them back to the loving place, but without the diapers and midnight feedings.

So, now I have custody of the Victorian band-aid that never seemed to heal the open wounds that festered within the confines of these walls. The roof is leaking voluminously in a couple of spots, which kept me awake most of last night, clutching at the covers in a nervous, somnolent state, listening to pieces of ancient plaster falling from the living room ceiling, the forbearer of nothing but bad news and a desolate future. But that’s the problem with living alone. He’s not here to calm me in the middle of the night and to help me gather the towels and pots to catch the deluge of rainwater.

Divorce is harder than anyone lets on. And it’s really the little things that take center stage, like missing him in a vulnerable moment, yet knowing I would never take him back. Like missing Sunday afternoons when he patiently explained the ever-changing rules of football to me, even though I never cared for the game. He used to trim the hedges, which I never knew could grow so tall and unruly.

In the end, I know I’m the better for this divorce, but I feel like I failed in the basic life skills department. I know that he definitely failed the husband part of the test; let’s face it, he never really wanted to be in the game in the first place. But knowing he failed doesn’t bring me any peace of mind, just bitter recrimination and anger whenever I think of him, except for times like tonight, when I miss the thought of him.

Comments

Wonderful, as always

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 01/30/2012 - 1:15pm.

Rachel . . . You are that rare mostly-comedic writer whose more serious, reflective posts are all the more poignant because they step off the beaten path for a moment. As always, this is wonderful, heartfelt writing. You are such a treasure for your friends and readers! Dave

Distance enchants the view

Submitted by Tracy (not verified) on Mon, 10/12/2009 - 1:36pm.

Looking back, things may seem to not have been so bad, but "distance enchants the view". I agree divorce is harder than most let on. I often think of that line from Titanic, "A woman's heart is a deep ocean of secrets". How true is that ? Thanks for sharing.

Idealized ex'es - spot on

Submitted by scout4u (not verified) on Wed, 07/15/2009 - 9:29pm.

Spot on - the thought of them, is truly what we miss, and generally what we held on to...you go, girl!

The Thought of Him

Submitted by Rick Fischer (not verified) on Tue, 06/23/2009 - 3:17pm.

I truely enjoy reading your pages, I feel like I was in that house as you. The way you describe every detail is terriffic. It does make me sad to think that you are alone in that big old house, having to do everything by yourself. I'm going through the same thing, although my situation if entirely different. My wife used to do so much around here that I never knew she did, the small things like, watering the plants, pulling the weeds, keeping me in line, adding thoughts to my ideas, making them and me better. I miss her so much. I'm so glad that a friend told me to come to this site and read your pages Rachel, Thank you. It gives me hope that I will find a special someone for the second part of my life. Rick Fischer

thank you for your thoughtful comments

Submitted by scout4u (not verified) on Wed, 07/15/2009 - 9:28pm.

Rick, your comments are wonderful...it's great to hear from a man who so loves his late wife...I love your description of what she did for and with you, especially, "adding thoughts to my ideas, making them and me better." Just gorgeous - Thank you

The Thought of Him

Submitted by Laura Pearsall (not verified) on Tue, 06/23/2009 - 12:09pm.

Well done, again, Rachel. It is so right that the idealized person returns to our thoughts in those vulnerable moments. When we feel threatened by just the handling of everday problems, we go back to that idealized version of our man... there to ride in on the white horse and save the day! How empty that is though in the long run and how fully satisfying it is to work it through and realize that we can triumph over these bumps in the road on our own! Thank you for your writing once again about these days of resolve and rebirth!

Episode 8: The Thought of Him

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