When Your Child Isn’t Doing Homework: Tips for the Single Mom
When Your Child Isn’t Doing Homework: Tips for the Single Mom
With school back in session, the subject of homework is back on the table. Here are some examples of typical problems, especially in divorced families, and tips for how to solve them.
Sarah and Anthony have been divorced for three years and Sarah has been the primary custodial parent. It has its rewards and frustrations. Now, it’s two weeks into the school year, and Sarah has just gotten off the phone with her son’s new teacher. Sarah is beyond upset, because it is happening again. Joey, age 11, looks like he is doing his homework but somehow it doesn’t get from his school bag to the teacher’s desk. She turns to Joey and says,“You mean you forgot to hand in your homework again?” He cowers under the criticism and spits back, “Why are you always so mean?”
Let’s unpack this vignette. There is a pragmatic problem to solve as well as an emotional problem to address.
First let’s look at the pragmatic problem. Joey may have what psychologists call Executive Functioning Problems. This is when the mind has poor management of organization and priorities.
It is as if the executive secretary that is metaphorically in everyone’s head, telling you to do something or reminding you of what may be required, is asleep at her desk. Many kids with Executive Functioning Problems also have Attention Deficit Disorder and some suffer from anxiety.
Imagine all the criticism they get on a regular basis.
In divorce, these issues often become magnified because of dealing with two households and two parents who may not be on the same page.
Helpful Tips:
1. If your child consistently neglects to hand in assignments or doesn’t remember what is due and when, you have cause for concern and should work closely with his teacher. He may benefit from sitting in the front row of the class, which can decrease distractions.
2. You can have a regular review with his teacher in order to access whether this is an occasional problem or something more. Early interventions can save a lot of heartache.
3. When your child is starting school, you and the child should create a schedule of study, play, eating, and sleeping that is consistent and organized. He may internalize the structure that you provide and gain more mastery in self-organization and discipline. Look through his school bag — with him — every evening to reinforce the habit of making sure everything is there that needs to be there.
4. Work with your ex-husband to keep consistent structure in both homes. A structured time to read and work should be in place on visitations.
5. Get an assessment for ADHD and Executive Functioning issues if the problem persists.
Now, let’s look at the emotional issue. When Joey accuses Sarah of being “so mean” he really is saying that it hurts to be criticized so often. When you are a single parent doing the bulk of the parenting work, this is inevitable. You are the limit setter, the organizer, the nudge, as well as the primary source for love and affection.
Sarah should remember just how much Joey needs her affection and love.
If you are in the same situation as Sarah, what should you do? It is better to act constructively than to criticize constantly.
Helpful Tips:
1. Get yourself well organized for school with a schedule that you can live with. Many kids with ADHD and/or Executive Functioning difficulties have parents who suffer from the same issues. Teach by example.
2. Avoid criticism. It demoralizes and rarely works over the long hall.
3. Be aware of all the pressures that you are under and make sure that you don’t inadvertently spill them over onto your children.
4. Remember to love your kids no matter what, and that with your affection, intelligence and guidance they will succeed.
There is something inherently unfair about all the pressures that single parents have to endure. It is a lot of stress. But ADHD and/or Executive Functioning issues can be dealt with successfully by approaching the situation methodically and getting outside help when needed.
Mark R. Banschick, MD, is a child and adolescent psychiatrist in Katonah, New York. His web site is www.theintelligentdivorce.com.
Comments
Post new comment