The Over-Scheduled Child: Raising Kids After Divorce
The Over-Scheduled Child: Raising Kids After Divorce
Part 6: Over-Scheduling and Values
Is your child “missing” activities because you can’t afford them, or don’t have time to take him, or the schedule interferes with his father’s visitation? Stop worrying. You may be doing your child a big favor. Less can actually be more.
Here is the sixth and last article for FWW by Dr. Alvin Rosenfeld, co-author of “The Over-Scheduled Child.”
A fundamental adult responsibility is to teach children character. Kids with character stand out. I bet you recognize them the moment you see them.
How do they acquire that character?
No kid I know listens to what his or her parents say. I certainly didn’t!
Intelligent children watch what their parents do. Does a parent live up to his or her ideals? Do parents treat others with dignity? Do they dedicate some of their time to the less fortunate?
Do they kowtow to wealth and station or do they value people of character, rich and poor alike?
Do they drive home tipsy after a party?
Do they strive to be close to friends and to get balance in their lives?
Do they take time for pleasure? Do they read books and love to learn? Do they truly listen to what others say and modify their opinion if someone – even a child -- makes a better argument?
Every good parent sacrifices plenty. To have the energy and good humor parents need to nurture their children, they must have a life too. Yet the stress of over-scheduling insinuates itself into parents’ lives, too.
Kids whose parents were pleased with their lives are better parents. To raise happier kids, parents need to enjoy themselves more. And that means having more fun in bed!
What can you do? You might keep a few principles in mind:
• Childhood is a preparation, not a full performance. You have to resist pressuring your child to be almost professional at an early age.
• Try cutting back 5 to 10 percent on activities, as National Family Night does. Take one or two weeknights a month for down time for the whole family. You may find that life becomes sane again.
• If you are religious, encourage your children to attend services. God has been around a lot longer than soccer.
• Limiting activities does not mean being a bad parent. It says that you are a responsible adult who makes hard choices for your family.
• No one-size-fits-all approach is good parenting. Because you are doing a dance you’re your child that has never been done quite this way before, you will sometimes feel awkward. But that’s the human condition.
• Our children are with us but for a brief flicker of time. Then they become busy with friends, college, jobs, and eventually their own families. Nothing is more valuable than family time, time with no goal or agenda: to shoot hoops, take a walk, watch a movie. Somewhere in there you may find time to talk and listen to your kids.
Children need time with Canadian ice hockey coaches far less than they need time with Mom! (And Dad!) You can bolster a preteen’s self-esteem by spending time with them with no apparent goal. It stimulates their inner conviction that they don’t have to perform for you.
Billy Joel captured it: There’s no need for clever conversation (or winning at the balance beam). “I love you just the way you are.” Who among us is not looking for that?
Childhood and adulthood have always had their anxieties. But living well means enjoying life, finding worthwhile work, and loving unconditionally – despite the anxiety that comes with it.
That’s not a bad aspiration for you, or for me, or for our children.
Click the following to return a directory of articles and resource videos on Kids, Family and Divorce.
“The Over-Scheduled Child: Avoiding the Hyper Parenting Trap,” by Alvin Rosenfeld and Nicole Wise, can be purchased in paperback through Amazon.
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