Defining Real Versus Fake Authority During Divorce
Defining Real Versus Fake Authority During Divorce
4 tips to understanding real control
Divorce can send you reeling. You may have moved, household items have been divided, routines are broken, families are split, support systems have disappeared.
It's easy to feel overwhelmed by emotions and the amount of work that needs to be done. Your kids are looking to you for more and you're not sure you can even take care of yourself. You struggle to be in control, go into hyper-drive to get a handle on things and still feel lost and no more in control than when you started, right? That's because acting in control is not being in control.
The difference is...
Fake authority leaves you feeling weak, scattered, heavy. You get a sinking feeling. Real authority grounds you. It gives you a sense of completeness, of peace. Does that mean you won't ever feel overwhelmed or emotional? No. But it does means you won't get stuck or be ruled by emotions or events. Real authority comes from our inner knowledge.
Here's an example: Shortly after her divorce, Annie moved into a smaller house. At first she rushed to open boxes, clean, fill cupboards and closets, all of which left her curled up most nights, weepy and feeling out of control. Then one morning, as she was waiting for the coffee to be made, she cleaned and organized a small area in her kitchen that she would call her "cockpit," a small space that became her "base of operations." Annie knew she loved coffee. She knew her favorite blend. She organized so she knew where her favorite cups where, where the flavorings were. Throughout the day, she found herself gravitating to that area whenever she felt out of control or overwhelmed. And from that area she continued to organize and enlarge that safe space. That cockpit provided a place where she could return to feel in touch with herself, be grounded, and renew herself to take the next step.
It may sound simplistic, even ridiculous, that Annie's coffee nook became the seed of her regaining self control. But this is how it happens. That one step — no matter how small, no matter what the arena — is the building block for regaining control and getting anything you want in your life.
Finding Your Knowledge
Even at our worst, we are never at a point where we don't know anything. Start taking real control:
- Don't confuse ‘being in control' with your real authority. Real authority comes from inner knowledge.
- Look for what you know, a place — a physical one or a place inside you — where you do have knowledge and authority.
- Go back to your basics: Make lists of your basic knowledge. What are your favorite colors, forms of entertainment? What do your kids like to eat? Finish these sentences: My friends look to me for... Or, at my work I'm respected for...
- Before you go to sleep at night, think of 10 things you know.
You may not win a Nobel Peace Prize by knowing your youngest child's favorite sandwich is peanut butter and bananas, but it's your truth, your knowledge. And from that base you can expand your knowing, your inner wisdom. And from that knowledge and truth you'll get real authority, real empowerment.
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