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Too Much On My Plate...And Nothing On His

Posted to House Bloggers by Faith Eggers on Mon, 04/28/2008 - 3:00pm

I'm happy. I really am. I have a wonderful family, a great job, a beautiful home, fabulous friends, etc. I know that I am blessed. That's why I can't figure out why it is, that lately, I have this overwhelming urge to just break down and cry.

Actually, at this particular moment, there is nothing that I'd like more than to get in some comfy PJs, wrap myself up in a down comforter, and spend the day crying.

But, I don't have time for such things.

Maybe that's what this is about. I don't seem to have time for anything anymore. I don't have time to take a shower. I don't have time to eat. I don't have time to clean. I don't have much time to talk to my fabulous friends or my wonderful family. Hell, I barely have time to think. And when I do have time to think, all I think about is how many things I have to do.

I start thinking about all of the shit that Levi left sitting in my lap. All of the unpaid bills, for one. And while I'm off working my ass off to pay all of those bills, and to provide our son with such luxuries as health insurance, food, clothing, shelter and, okay, the occasional toy, Levi is off, NOT WORKING, in California and providing himself with such luxuries as, SUVs, expensive dinners, Armani clothing, etc. etc. etc.

And you know what else gets me? Levi has time to take a shower. Levi has time for dates. Levi has time to eat. Levi has time to talk to his insane family.

Of course, when I start thinking of this, I get angry. He isn't around to direct my anger at so, on occasion, I direct it at myself. Anger turned inwards is the definition of depression.

I don't think that I'm depressed, though. I think that I'm overtired, overworked, and pissed off.

I try my hardest to forgive Levi for what he's doing on a daily basis. I feel like I know that deep down, he's a good person. I feel that I know that he is just terribly lost.

I'm having a harder time doing that lately, and the words, "I hate him" keep slipping out of my mouth.

But maybe I'm really just angry with myself, because truthfully, after all of this, I still don't think I hate him, but I think that I should.

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Plate Overflow

I know what you mean, i have been feeling this forever...and guess what? My kids are 25 and 18 and it continues...You just have to be the bigger person i guess and know that your kids will be able to sort out reality from bullshit.... Annette.
Guest - 4/28/2008

Overwhelmed

I know exactly what you are saying. After reading your story I couldn't believe it! I felt like you were in my head. I have two children, 12 and 15. My wonderful, misunderstood husband decide a year ago that he didn't want to be married anymore after 16 years. When you say that you know he is a good person think about this, if he was a good person he would be there providing 50% of the responsiblities to his child!!! A "good" person knows from their heart what they are to be doing. I too am so overwhelmed, overworked, underpaid, struggling to support my children and keep the house for their stability and sanity. We are strong and I have no doubt that the both of us will survive this! I have the utmost respect for you, keep pressing forward and take a time out for you every once in a while, you are worth it!!!
Guest - 4/29/2008

You're right...

He is not being a good person, to any degree, at the moment. I just hate to think that I could have ever loved such a bastard so much. You know?
Faith Eggers - 4/29/2008
Faith Eggers's picture

God, I feel the same way!

Although I do not have a kid, I had an ex just as crazy and insane as yours. I have been divorced almost a year due to his infidelity, but the harassment from him, and especially his girlfriend (now wife, stupid man), only stopped just two weeks ago because I put an end to it. But, like you, my anger is creeping up again, mainly because I have realized that I did not get to say "my piece" enough to the both of them and his family. At the time, I was still working things through, and they really were (and are) never going to own up to the pain, chaos, and extreme selfishness they brought into my life. I think that is what angers me the most, that I did not ask, seek out or perpetrate all of this crap in my life. And, untl now, I was not ready to bluntly tell them how I feel on everything. But, I have done the stronger thing and did everything to remove them from my life. So, instead, I am finding creative and healing outlets to release the anger. But, as you said Faith, it is very important to not turn the anger inward as that is the definition of depression. I had a bit of that during this ordeal, which taught me that it is okay to be okay with being angry at the moment, while being grateful for getting rid of the bastard all at the same time. Both functioning together are very healthy signs to move deeper into your own evolution as a human being, as your anger not only turns into strength, but it will also deepen your inner wisdom and love in the world. I do not hate my ex, although, like you, I do feel like I do at times. I really just pity him, as despite what he portrays on the outside to others, I know him too well that inside his life completely sucks. If he does not acknowledge or realize it now, believe me, it will come back to him someday in more difficult ways than he could ever imagine. Keep strong and know that your anger is normal, warranted, and a path to the next amazing place in your life.
Guest - 4/29/2008

Yes

Yes! I know exactly what you mean. You try to take the high road, try to be the bigger person, try not to scream and yell -- even when you're being screamed and yelled at -- and in the end, where does it get you? It leaves you with all of this rage inside of you. Now, I'm certainly not saying that we should all go scream and yell at our exes, but there are some (probably) healthier things we can all do to get it out. Paint, run, blast loud music -- heck, throw things at a tree! Thanks for your comment, support and well wishes. Best of luck to you, too! Faith
Faith Eggers - 4/29/2008
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