Starting Over After Divorce

Things I've read that helped me heal

Posted to Community by First Wives World on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 9:04am

I knew it would take me a year to feel myself again, and it’s been almost exactly that. I feel happy. I feel relieved. I’ve been released from his darkness and now live in my light. I’m single with no immediate plans to change that, and I’m completely content. I still feel a little lonely and miss having a companion, but what I’ve gained is well worth that sacrifice. He took away my “sparkle”, my joy, my love of life, and now I have it back.

I wanted to share some words of wisdom that helped me so much. These things I read and they all resonated with me and helped me heal:

Happiness can not be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.
Accept your past without regrets. Handle your present with Confidence and face your future without fear.
Life changes, we move on. We discover that we are beautiful, smart, witty, strong and capable. We learn that we never have to step behind a partner in order for them to make a decision that we may not agree with any more. We become savvy in ways and means that we never had to even try... we discover that we have arts and talents in areas we never would have dreamed.
Don’t look back, turn around and face ahead, feel the sun on your face and walk into your future. Make your plans now, this is your life and it's good...
"Love appropriately", which I believe means that we are to give and place our precious love where it will count. Where it will make a difference. You can never (and no other woman will be able to either) love him enough to stop him cheating; cheating is a fun game for many men. It is a very, very hard thing to face the reality that some people are simply incapable of returning love, or respecting our love, or honoring our love. We are supposed to love each other, but we are not supposed to waste our love. If you were planting flower seeds, would you stand in the middle of a large cement patio and scatter the seeds on the cement and then expect the seeds to sprout and grow and produce pretty flowers? No, you would find some nice soil and create a spot for the seeds to grow.
To love is to give all you have to give and still want to give more. To lust is to take all there is to take and still want to take more.
Love is giving someone the power to break your heart but trusting them not to.
It's important to always look at a relationship and ask yourself, "What's it costing me to be in this relationship?" If you totally lose yourself in it, then the cost is too high.
Holding on to anger is like holding on to a piece of hot coal ~ the only person getting hurt is you.
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
You’ll live to love another day
Yesterday’s a closing door
And you don’t live there anymore
So say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Take a deep breath and then another. This is where your life is right now and you have choices. You are in a position that you do not want but you can take charge of where you are headed and make it good. Your days with your ex are not wasted, they are life's lessons with someone who was only there for a season. You have grown, you are growing. You will get through this. This is called the anger stage of grieving, it doesn't last forever but you can make it last longer or less ~ it's your call...
Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.

Comments

The Last 4 years of my LIfe.....

Submitted by luvmyboys3 (not verified) on Thu, 01/03/2013 - 9:45pm.

Well ladies, I can write a book... My H. and I were high school sweet hearts. Dated 4 years and married 18 when he had his first affair. I had suspected that there was another woman for 8 months...My dad was dying with Pulmonary Fibrosis at the time and I had also had a hysterectomy. The only way that I found out for sure was that her husband found the phone bill on her table. Her husband called my H. and threatened to kill him. He got scared and called me at work. He asked me to meet him out in front of the school. I was an Asst. Principal at the time. My stomach hit my feet as I hung up the phone. In instinctively knew what he was coming to tell me. All of the signs were there, loosing weight, started ironing his shirts, wearing cologne to work... His attitude toward me had changed. When I got out to his truck, I got in and he said,"You know you thought that I have been seeing someone else, well I have"...I just sat and listened..Then I looked at him and said "Well I hope your Life Insurance Policy is paid up, I've got to get back to work. I got out and shut the door..I held it together. It is amazing how we react to certain things. I held it together until I got back to my office. Then I broke down crying. I did not make him leave because our boys were 4, 9 and 13 at the time and my dad was about to pass away. I was scheduled to give my mom a Kidney that summer and I was going to be the Principal at my school the next school year, so I suppressed my feelings and moved forward. My dad passed away on April 28th, 2005. He was the best father anyone could have. He was the rock in our family and his own family of brothers and sisters. I still grieve for him to this day. Time went on and I gave mom the kidney, then her house, where I was brought up burned while she was still in the hospital. My H. drove me to Birmingham to tell her about this. Everything of my dads was destroyed. except jewlery and some pictures. Mom made it home 8 weeks later, just in time for Hurricane Katrina. My home received damage and my school was damaged. I was in charge of getting things put back together while he was at work helping to restore power. We rocked on in our marriage, I am thinking we are fine. Normal family working going to ball games, just experiencing the family life. Then in 2008, I was promoted to be Director of our gifted studies program. His behavior began to change. He was withdrawing from our family. He became cold-hearted. Detached. I assumed another woman. So here we go again with the 2nd affair. But after a year of putting up w his Emotional Abuse, Ranting, Raving, Cussing and using the F word way too many times, I decided I couldn't take it anymore. I told him I was leaving and that I was getting an apartment. He broke and started crying and told me he had been taking Loratab, 8-10 a day and I knew he was drinking with it. He also was taking Ambien and drinking. He was a Crazy man when he was on all of this stuff. He agreed to go to counseling, so for the whole summer of 2009 we went to marriage counseling together and we also went to counseling by ourselves so there was plenty of counseling. However, because he was not truthful w the counselor, it wasnt working. School started back in August. I was told by someone whom I work with that he was seeing someone at his office. I had people calling me and actually telling me what they were seeing. I confronted him with it and he did not deny it. He got up and went to work. Two days later he went to see a lawyer. I guess his lawyer gave him some advice because he began to deny the affair. He was still at home and becoming more recentful, violant and dangerous. He had a wreck. But didnt get arrested..In fact he has had 4 wrecks and never been arrested. After spending a very scary weekend w him, I went to my lawyers office and filed for divorce. We were separated for almost a year, but at one point during that year, he came back to stay at the house because he didnt have anywhere else to go. While staying at the house, he began affair #3. Divorce was final on June 8, 2010. He moved out a week later. We had joint custody. Kids stayed with me 7 days and him 7 days. That lasted until November...Stay Tuned for next comment...where I will continue my Days of Our Lives story.... RC

Thank you for this

Submitted by TheirMom12 (not verified) on Wed, 01/02/2013 - 4:45pm.

Really appreciate all the advice in your post.

In November it will be one

Submitted by Joanne (not verified) on Sun, 10/21/2012 - 1:41pm.

In November it will be one year that my h of 25 years admitted an affair of his ex g.f. From 30 years ago. He said in front of our 15 year old son that he's in love with her not me. They are soul mates, she brings out the best in him, she makes him click, they are leaving their families to be together. I begged him to stay and he said no he's not giving her up he wanted an open marriage???? We went to counseling three times together. He didn't want me. He wanted freedom! He said for 25 years he wasn't happy. Our oldest son asked "dad, why did u marry mom? His father said, because the invitations were out! he thought having kids would change his feelings towards me but they didn't. The ex was in touch with him for 30 years. She married the wrong guy. She picked someone else over my h and now she had regrets. So did my h. Doesn't say much for me or my boys . I could always tell he didn't love me like a husband should love a wife. He only used me when he needed me then he was done until the next time. Red flags show up now. Why was I so blinded? I was willing to work on our marriage I believed in my vows, he didn't I went to couples counseling alone. He said what's a therapist going to do make me fall in love with you? In feb. My sons and I planned a trip. H was invited to go but on July 4th he said that he didn't want me or our marriage. On July 18th I went to a lawyer and tried to hold myself together got information. I couldn't sign the papers but three days later when h gave me money to file for a divorce I did. The day after my boys and I went on our trip. This is when I turned a corner. Peace at last, not seeing him. (he still lives at home and refuses to leave even though our discusted sons have asked him to.) until Friday came and we all had stomach aches because we had to go back home. A court order has been placed because he was saying foul words to me and told our youngest that I needed to sign loan papers for a home equity loan and if I didnt we would be bankrupt and not have a place to live. Well, he has a new woman now she is at least divorced. He came home from a night of drinking with her and was telling me to shut up. Why did I pay for that court order? I'm guessing the ex g.f. Won't leave her husband. Although h did say he misses her like an alcoholic misses a drink and if he were a betting man he would bet that they will be together in the future. My lawyer gets a kick out of all the stupid comments my h gives. My lawyer said if he were a betting man he would bet I will get the house. Something h is trying to get. Not sure why because my son said he's not living with his father and all his whores. H owns his parentsnhome and is now going to rent a house at the beach. His last comment was that I better get a second job because I won't be getting the alimony that I thought I would. So verbally abusive. When I told my 80 year old mother she said we don't know how long you lasted this long! They have witnessed the abuse. He's always right. Four different therapist say that he is narsassitic. I could never pleasemhim . Clothing, hair,etc. He even wanted my breasts lifted. I'm still in therapy trying to breathe every day. Why do I miss this man. Why does it kill me when I think of him with another woman?? He's all I know. L T

Thank you for this today. I

Submitted by Tamara (not verified) on Mon, 10/08/2012 - 2:44pm.

Thank you for this today. I needed it 1 year and counting. Going forward. I can. I can

I hope I can follow it.

Submitted by Joanne (not verified) on Sat, 10/06/2012 - 11:14pm.

I hope I can follow it.

Stay strong!

Submitted by Sheila (not verified) on Mon, 10/08/2012 - 9:00am.

I was with married 21 years with him together years before that even. He was all I knew. Left after us raising our 7 children together. (His mine and ours I might add) Now I am just learning at 52 that all my happieness was based on my relationships. Sad but true. Just hang in there. Never look back just know that there is much more out there for us! Just get up every morning and say I CAN I CAN!!!!!!!! God Bless!