How Do You Find Your Identity After Years Of Being A Stay At Home Mom?

How Do You Find Your Identity After Years Of Being A Stay At Home Mom?

Divorce is hard enough, but divorce for a SAHM (Stay-At-Home-Mom) can be even more challenging, as you've given your life to your family and husband for so many years and often gave up your own career aspirations. When divorce occurs, you're suddenly confronted with having to figure out how to support yourself and family, and re-enter the workforce feeling you don't have the necessary skills to survive and succeed.

One of our members (A SAHM) recently reached out for help on the social network and the responses from the community were incredibly supportive and insightful, so we thought we highlight some of the collective advice for the community at large (anonymously of course).

• Things will get better. Try getting a job in a professional's office. My second job was a chiropractor's assistant. I just did whatever needed to be done. But I did it well and they trusted me and referred me well for my next job. Just do something, anything, and once people get to know you, you will move up. The worst part is not knowing yourself. You do have talents, you have not identified them yet. Know that you are worthy of good things and tell yourself every day. You are worthy of good things no matter how everything looks around you at this moment in time.
• Use this as an opportunity to better YOURSELF. I don't make much money on my own either. I am planning on going back to school. I'm very quiet and don't have many friends but I'm working on this. I still have bad days but now I have good ones too when all I could do in the beginning was cry. Find a good therapist, lean on your friends, and pray. I made my way back to church and it does help. Take stock of yourself, where you are now and where you want to be and set little goals to get yourself there. One day at a time sweetie. And try not to spend time thinking about the rat. He is not worth your time, much less your tears. BIG hug.
• Try getting a "stepping stone" job.  No matter what anyone says, the market place can be a very bad place for a SAHM to be judged.  But if you kick-start things by getting a job that is even closely related to what you want, then go for it.  If its not possible, or you don't have any idea which way you want to go, go for what you can get- retail?  Restaurant work?  Baby sitting (i.e. childcare services)?  Hold your head up.  You are able to do all these things (and have, as we all know what being a SAHM really entails!). Whatever it is, go for it and try to stay there for at least a few months (unless you get an offer to move to something you want more!).  If you have something in mind you want to do, and can't get a paying job doing it, then try volunteering for it in some measure while you get a job doing something else.  Tuck your chin in, smile, be strong.  You are still the person you were before he left, before you got married, before you grew up.  The rules or internal voices that you are following may change over time, but whatever we are doing at a specific time in our life (ie our job) does not EVER completely define who we are.  Look at the whole package.  Even as a SAHM you were a woman, a daughter, a smart thinking human being with loves, hates, wishes, dream that were ALL VALID.
• Turn your attitude around, take on your identity challenge, try on several "hats" in the job field, and you will build a wonderful life.  Come to think about it, that should Also include Finding those hobbies.  You need to get out and try out several different kinds of hobbies: go to plays, the movies, take a few group exercise classes, try out yoga, take a cooking class or cake decorating class, etc there are soooooooo many options out there.  You need to understand that the person you used to be is altered, but that's okay too, because that leaves room for growth and opportunities.
• You absolutely have to take pride in "child rearing" and assume the interviewer understands how important that is. Almost as if you are an appliance salesman and you are selling this amazing refrigerator that you KNOW the buyer understands is worthwhile. Honestly, most people I have interviewed with understand how important what you do is. The problem comedy in willingness to travel, work extra, put in the exta time that those who are not used to staying at home are already used to.  Update your skills (as quickly as possible) ad give yourself the opportunity to get a good job that will allow you to save for retirement. Just view every interview as a learning experience.  It took me almost a year to get a new job! So hang in there.
• I feel your pain. Don't be so hard on yourself because you spent so many years caring for others you forgot along the way to love yourself. Be confident and smile and know you are trying to do the best you can. I am right there with you and understand your frustrations as i am also trying to find work.