So my parents are flying out from the West Coast to visit me in Manhattan.

It's not the first time I have seen them since my divorce last March, but it's the first time that they have made the trip to the East Coast to visit. It will also be the first time they will see my apartment.

Last time they traveled over, I was living in a house, so they had their own bedroom and own bathroom. Going from that to a small one-bedroom apartment with one small bathroom should be interesting.

It will be nice to spend a few days with my parents and just wander around the city. Each time I see them we talk less and less about the divorce and the debacles of the past year, which is nice. Soon the divorce will be a distant memory.

As nice as it is — or was — to cuddle and sleep next to a significant other, I am getting pretty darn used to sleeping alone.

It has been well over a year that I have had my bed all to myself and the thought of sharing it sometimes makes me cringe.

When you sleep alone you don't have to deal with snoring. You are not awakened by someone pulling on the blankets. You don't find yourself being smothered by a well-intended arm wrapped around you. You don't have to be subjected to someone's too-long toenails brushing up against you in the night.

Yes, there is something to be said about sleeping alone.

I have been in my apartment for about six months now and I noticed I have yet to buy any pictures or artwork for the walls. The walls are still stark white and bare and I like it. But there's more to it than just a lack of decorating sense.

When my ex and I moved into our second home more than two years ago we were SO excited to decorate. It was a much bigger and newer house than our starter home and we wanted to take our time and decorate it perfectly. I don't even know how many hours we spent browsing furniture stores and art galleries looking for the perfect pieces.

What's sad is that after the divorce, nearly all of those newly purchased pieces were either sold or given away. The money and time wasted is sickening.

So when I moved into my apartment I just wanted simplicity. Right after moving in I did buy new bedding, bathroom décor, curtains and a few space-saving items to make living in a small apartment a bit easier, but that's it.

My desire to paint walls, buy artwork or more furniture has fizzled. I guess my walls symbolize how I feel — I just want a clean slate.

As I've mentioned in my previous posts, I returned to counseling about a month ago and so far it has been good.

When I was seeing the first therapist about a year ago, I was focused on dealing with the divorce. Now, I am focused on me and how I can heal, move on, and release these feelings of anger. Given this, I have decided to really open up to the therapist.

Unlike my first round of sessions a year ago, I have started looking back into my past and addressing issues, experiences, etc. from my childhood. I know that childhood experiences shape who we become as adults so I am interested to learn how my experiences have shaped me. For example, I believe I tend to involve myself with the wrong type of guys. What I want to know is why?

It is a bit odd sharing past experiences with a stranger but I just keep reminding myself that she is a trained professional and not some random woman I'm spilling my guts to. But I must say, so far it has felt pretty good.

I've started to notice a change in myself — for the better — since my divorce: I put my wants and needs first.

I have always been a pretty independent person but I noticed since my divorce that independence has not only strengthened but has transformed. I now have a stronger sense of the need to put myself first and don't feel bad about it.

I am starting to notice this renewed strength as I ever so slowly integrate a few men into my social circle. If I don't want to call a guy back, I don't. If I don't want to sleep with him for whatever reason, I tell him and walk away. If I am interested in hearing from a guy again I will make the first move and give him my number.

It isn't that I didn't have these feelings before my marriage but after dealing with all of the crap of my divorce I have become a bit hardened. I have no desire to deal with any more crap.

Sometimes I feel as though I gave what love I had to give during my marriage and now there is not much left of me to share.

Yes, there's a chance that my attitude will mean I will be single for a long time — a long, long time — but so be it. Maybe it is for the better.

The other day I was working out on the StairMaster at the gym, watching some "reality" show about wives who have husbands in Iraq. Given that it was on either MTV or VH1, the couples featured on the show were between the ages of 18 and early 20s.

The reason I bring this up is because there was one husband on the show who made me so glad I am single.

I know that not all guys are like this, but it is such a turn off when guys are so insecure that they question a wife's every move. For example, this one guy was so upset that his wife was at a bar with her girlfriend. He was asking her things like what was she wearing? How was she wearing her hair? What she was drinking? And the list goes on.

I had forgotten how controlling some guys can be. Luckily, I never had to deal with that with my ex.

It reminded me of one more thing to watch out for when stepping out into the dating world — that controlling guy.

Yes, being single certainly has its upsides.

There's a word I am still battling. Failure.

I have come pretty far since my divorce in March but I have yet to erase the feelings of failure. Others I have spoken with try to convince me that I am not a failure, but I guess I just tend to be hard on myself.

I don't think of myself as a victim. I don't think of myself as just having bad luck. I tend to think of myself as a failure.

I understand this isn't exactly true. After all, it takes two to tango, as they say, and my ex wasn't willing to tango. I believe I did everything I could do to save my marriage but couldn't. I guess I feel like a failure for marrying him in the first place, even though everyone who knows him says he seemed like a great guy and they don't know what "red flags" I may have missed.

I just need to stop beating myself up over this and get over it. To those who have never been married or are married but never divorced, I am probably starting to sound pathetic. I just need to straighten up and move on.

I guess, like with anything else, it will happen in time.

I had a dream the other night about my first love — again.

Every few months or so I have a dream about my first love, a boy I will call Tom. We met in first grade and went out off and on until my sophomore year in high school. Once we hit high school our lives headed in different directions and, after that, our paths rarely crossed.

The last time I saw him was when I was getting ready to start college. I ran into him in the lobby of our hometown bank and I told him I was going to major in journalism. He smiled and told me I'd be good at it. It was the last time we saw each other or spoke, and it's a memory I hold dear. Throughout the years, he has remained a constant in my dreams.

More often than not, my dreams have the same theme: I see him again and finally have the chance to tell him that I love him. I have always loved him.

So, the other night he visited my dreams and I was so happy to see him and was hoping this would be my second chance to make things right. However, he informed me that he'd gotten married. My dream ended with me crying and expressing how hurt I was that he'd married and moved on without me. (As though he was supposed to wait for me.)

The dream, much like the others, stuck with me well into the next day and I did something I have not done before — I Googled his name. Nothing. I Googled his name and the town we grew up in. Nothing. I Googled his name and the grade school where our childhood love blossomed. Nothing. Feeling odd, like I was teetering on the line of stalker, I turned the computer off.

I'm not sure what I was looking to find. I guess something about his life today. And what would I have done had his name popped up and I was certain that it was the right Tom? Call him? I don't know.

Maybe one day our paths will cross again. If not in this life, then perhaps another.

A First Wives World reader recently commented on one of my blogs and what she said struck a cord.

In her comment on my blog titled "Split Personality?" she said, "It sometimes feels like all that I am doing to "move forward" really means nothing because I do not see how they can include a loving marriage and children." There are many days when I experience the same thoughts.

Some days I wake up thinking, what the hell am I doing? I'm going to work to make a living but if feels as though there should be more to it than that. When I was married I knew — well, thought I knew — what I was working toward: helping my husband to maintain our home, preparing for a family, saving for our retirement, etc.

Don't get me wrong — I am striving toward some of my own things like saving for my own retirement, making money so that I can go out and enjoy myself, but it's like there's something deeper missing. I just have to find out what that "something" is and how I can provide it for myself.

I was wanted to take a moment to say "thank you" to all of you who have commented on my blogs, especially the recent one titled "Am I the Only One Who's Scared?". I am so pleased that several of you took the time to share your feelings of fear. I hope that those of you who commented, and other divorced women out there who feel the same, are able to find peace and happiness.

While it is awful experiencing feelings of fear and uncertainty, I do believe that fear will help make us stronger. The trick is learning how to manage that fear and not let it consume you. I'm sure you'll agree when I say that some days are easier than others. Some days I wake up and feel like I could conquer the world and other days it is a chore just to get out of bed and off to work.

We just have to hang in there and stay strong!