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Cathy Meyer's blog
Surviving The Unwritten Rules
How to protect yourself
When you become involved in a divorce, you become a consumer of sorts. You pay a lawyer and expect a high standard of care in return for that payment. You pay court costs and expect the courts to protect your legal interests.
Unlike most businesses that cater consumers, the Family Court System isn't regulated and there are no safeguards in place to make sure we get what we pay for. No one is standing guard at the gate, so to speak. What follows are actions you can take to protect yourself.
Know your rights
Knowledge is power! The more you know about what legal rights you have in court, the less chance a lawyer or judge will have to dismiss those rights. Study the divorce laws of your state. Learn what the laws are concerning property distribution, child support, child custody and spousal support. Get online and bookmark your state's rules of civil procedure. Refer to them periodically to make sure your case hasn't gotten off track and that all rules are being followed.
Keep meticulous records read more »
Unwritten Rule No. 3
Judges don't make a habit of enforcing court orders
Over the years, I've spoken to many women whose ex-husbands were defying court orders to pay child support. What most of them have learned when they take their ex back to court for contempt is that judges rarely throw a deadbeat in jail. They threaten to do so, but in my opinion, it isn't often that a judge will follow through on a threat.
Not enforcing a court order undermines a woman's ability to care for her children. For some reason though, a judge seems more concerned with how being jailed will negatively affect a deadbeat father. It isn't only child support orders that aren't enforced — in the Family Court System, it's any order.
In September of 2004, my former husband and I finally went back to court on the post-majority expense issue and another issue having to do with housing. My ex was ordered to pay 93% of our son's college expenses. He angered the judge by behaving arrogantly so the judge retaliated by slamming him with 93% of the expenses. However, with grants and scholarships my former husband would have only had to pay a couple of thousand dollars a year. It wasn't like the man was going to go broke helping his son with college expenses. read more »
Unwritten Rule #2
Before my original divorce hearing in August 1999, my Lawyer and I tried to negotiate issues with my former husband and his attorney. They weren't open to negotiation, which angered my attorney. She was constantly saying, "we will let the judge deal with him." According to her, I would have my day in court.
When that day came, I showed up at the courthouse only to be met in the hallway by my attorney telling me we were going to "try to negotiate a settlement." I wanted a trial, wanted what I was told I was going to get. I wanted the judge to here evidence and then make a decision based on the facts. If I had known back then what I know now, I would have insisted we go to trial. I surrendered though, and spent nine hours going back and forth with my former husband and his attorney trying to come to a settlement agreement.
I ended up with promises on a piece of paper and half of what I would have gotten if we had gone to trial. But hey, the judge heard one less case that day and the lawyers stayed in his good graces because of it. The only people to get what they needed were the lawyers and the judge. From what I understand that is typical when dealing with the Family Court System. read more »
Courtroom Quid Pro Quo
The secret rules of law
What you don't hear about — but have probably fallen victim to — are the unwritten rules. These are the rules that define how judges and lawyers conduct themselves with each other. They have more to do with the outcome of a divorce case than the written rules.
In my next several posts, I'm going to talk about the unwritten rules and my personal experience with them. It's my opinion that when it comes to the Family Court system, the only interests served are those of divorce lawyers and judges.
Rule #1. Lawyers and judges cover for each other.
Most judges and lawyers will not report each other for misconduct or violations of judicial ethics. Judges especially can get away with bad behavior, because lawyers don't want to get on a judge's bad side. Lawyers know they will go before that judge again, and staying chummy with the judge is more important than their client getting a high standard of care. read more »
Playing The Game: The First Date
Sharing space and time with a member of the opposite sex is nice — something most of us long for, even if we are too busy to get busy.
It is an especially nice idea if you took the advice in my last post and are feeling the stirrings of those more primal urges.
If you are divorced and longing for the company of a man, that means one thing: Dating.
Dating after divorce is a daunting experience if you aren't prepared — especially for those of us who were in long-term marriages. To help alleviate some of the anxiety, I've put together a few tips that will help you get back into the dating game and enjoy your newly found freedom. read more »
Turning It On = Getting It On
That's right, the closest I get to kinky on a Friday night is a threesome with Stacy and Clinton while they try to turn some poor fashion disaster into a fashionista. What Not to Wear has become my substitute for sex!
Something is happening though, and it is proving the theory that the brain is our largest sex organ. Since taking that poll and learning that most of us are letting life get in the way of sexual pleasure, I've been putting a lot more thought into sex.
I don't think about sex often. I have other more pressing things to concentrate on. I've got a sixteen-year-old who just began to drive. A 23-year-old who may actually graduate from college some day. Talk about money intensive! Two full time jobs, bills to pay, laundry to do, dust bunnies to chase and an elderly mother who requires quite a bit of my time and attention. read more »
Going For A Coke
I didn't want a divorce. Nope, I wanted my marriage to work no matter what the cost.
I invested years of energy trying to keep the marriage humming along. In the end, I discovered that it takes two people who are willing to invest energy and effort. According to my former husband, it just wasn't worth his energy or effort.
I think I'd still be married if I hadn't one day sent him a loud and clear message that it was time for him to start participating in the relationship.
The message was received, processed and immediately rejected. He looked at me, picked up his car keys and said, "I'm going for a Coke." That was it. The end. He went out for a Coke and never came back. The man took a wrong turn and just kept going.
That is when I started the "what if" thinking and second-guessing myself. I wanted to do my marriage over again yet, do it better the next time around. I wanted the chance to do it differently. I wasted a lot of time looking back wishing I could change the past instead of looking at what might come next. read more »
Growing Where You're Planted
Through a crack in the thick, hard asphalt, a perfect miniature marigold plant was growing with three tiny blooms on it. I live in a new neighborhood with houses still under construction. Large trucks carrying construction materials travel this road heavily. It isn't the kind of place you would expect anything that grows to survive, let alone thrive.
Somehow, though, this tiny marigold plant managed to push against inches of tar and rocks to find a bit of air and sunshine. It had managed to "grow where it was planted."
My grandmother used to say that: "We have to grow where we are planted." Like that tiny marigold plant, we have to look for the sunshine, even if it means reaching with all our might, only finding it through the cracks and during times when finding a little sunshine may seem impossible. read more »
Burning Down The Barriers
Do you ever ignore an opportunity? Or, worse yet, make excuses that keep you from facing fears that can come with an opportunity? I had an opportunity stare me right in the face last week and I found myself making excuses, backing away from it as if it were a threat instead of a gift.
We all have our list of excuses. I work with clients regularly who can instantly recite from their list of excuses. The list typically sounds something like this:
"Oh, I can't do that, I need to lose 20 pounds first."
"I'm too shy, I could never speak in front of a group that large."
"I don't have the money, time, energy, education...yada, yada, yada."
One thing I have found to be true is that people who have a long list of excuses rarely have anything else.
The gloomiest times in my life were the times that I let my list of excuses take over. I thought it was easier to say "I can't do this, that or the other thing" instead of taking responsibility for my quality of life. The longer I allowed myself to use my list of excuses, the more dismal my life would become. read more »
Selling The Marital Home
It was a roller coaster ride
Here's the thing: I wasn't the one who pursued the divorce. My ex- husband made that decision. Once he had made the decision, there was a paradigm shift in his brain and the man began to live in a parallel universe — one in which there is rational thought.
How my ex dealt with the sale of the marital home proves my point. We agreed to sell our marital home. Once we had a buyer for the home, my former husband was supposed to contract with me for a home of lesser value. I made it clear that I wouldn't agree to sell the marital home unless he, the man with the money, helped me buy another house to raise our two sons in. I even shook hands with him to seal the deal.
Three days after the house went on the market, we had an offer. A phenomenal offer, I might add. I called him and told him about the offer. He was excited, I was excited, the agent was excited and the buyers were ecstatic. I recall thinking to myself that this divorce stuff was going to be a walk in the park. read more »
