What No One Mentions: The Weight Gain

What No One Mentions: The Weight Gain

Let's talk about weight, shall we? Yeah, yeah, we're all writing and commenting and visiting this wonderfully supportive site, and we're sharing our thoughts, fears, concerns, hopes and dreams. But what about our bodies? 

What wonderful changes can you expect when you move beyond divorce? Hmmm, let's see. Depends, really. Some women who become depressed stop eating altogether. Some eat constantly. Some drink. Some go searching for random acts of sexual contact. I did a bit of drinking the first year, and that coupled with fast food, as I was sad and unwilling to cook (which I think is a happy act) allowed my body to find new mass.

Lovely. Weight gain. My favorite thing. Yours, too, I just bet.  

But rather than dwelling on the negative right off the bat, let's start, instead, with the positive. As a 50-year-old woman, a little extra fat in the face makes Botox something completely unnecessary. So, think of it as a free face lift compliments of Ritz crackers, squirt cheese and Tabasco olives, French fries, and sweet tea by the gallons. 

A larger bust - maybe depending on your body type. More breast, I don't need. Hell, I paid $12,000 to have them reduced after Joseph was weaned. But, for some, a little extra might be welcome. 

OK, that's about it for the positive. 

The negative? Ah, where to begin. My skirts hug my waist so tightly that the hug should really be considered a choke hold. My tops "pop" a little if they have buttons in the front. And, for the first time in my life, I have this roll beneath my breasts. And that roll, that roll, is so large it should have an address! 

My neck. OK, where exactly did my whole neck go? I mean it's still there if I push my head out away from my body. I can almost succeed in hiding the extra flesh in pictures with this little move.

Back fat - yeah, this is when suit jackets and blazers come in real handy. Now, some of you lucky and blessed women may not understand the concept, but underneath the bra strap a flesh fold forms. It's disgusting. So, there I am wearing a jacket in 85-degree weather. Sure, I'm sweating, but I'm looking good, girlfriend (back fat neatly hidden behind hanging fabric).

I'm not even going to discuss the upper arm, OK. 

So, when they say nobody gains in divorce, oh, my dear friends, they're incorrect. They are so incorrect. 

I'm going to have to do something about this. But that homemade German chocolate cake is calling my name, so I'm off. 

My weight and I will live to write and, er, um ... fight another day.