Single Parenting At Its Most Difficult: Mean Mommy Syndrome

Posted to House Bloggers by Wanda Woodard on Mon, 02/23/2009 - 1:58pm

If it’s true what they say — that children need two parents to develop into healthy, productive adults — then I’m screwed.

Being a divorced mother of two younger children (12 and 13 years old) I find that I have to figure out how to separate myself; divide myself into two people. It ain't easy. On the one hand I want to nurture, coddle and offer up the world to my children. But on the other hand I must discipline, guide, direct and forget about being their friend and accept that they may just hate me some of the time. Ouch.

A few years ago, I introduced my two children to Mean Mommy. It worked for a while. Mean Mommy only came out when my children were misbehaving, and she wasn’t very pleasant. Luckily for them, Nice Mommy warned them. “If you don’t stop doing that, Mean Mommy is going to come out.”

“No, no!” they’d shout, “Not Mean Mommy!” She usually came equipped with a wooden spoon (that she never actually had to use, but it was a great prop), a sort of hump-like thing on her back (from bending over and stretching upward to seem an imposing figure), and a kind of scary, crooked smirk on her face.

Yeah, those were good times. These days, however, she has less control than ever before. There needed to be a guard change.

Mean Mommy had to leave town, and I brought in Calm, You Bet Your Ass I Can Make Your Life Miserable Negotiating Mom. She yells less and she tries desperately to keep her volume down. She’s usually in control, but she has the occasional visitor, Mean Mommy, now and again.

I don’t think I can actually kill Mean Mommy, but I am trying to keep her on the outskirts of town. And just this week, Negotiating Mom made a big score — my daughter cleaned our garage without, and this is the most important word, without me asking her to. What? How did this happen? Currently I’m still in a state of shock I think. Wow. She did something helpful, courteous, and kind. She did a positive, uplifting, and encouraging thing — she helped her mother.

Maybe, just maybe, I will survive.

Comments

management 101

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Mon, 02/23/2009 - 5:54pm.

raising kids is like running a business. you're the manager and they are the staff. no, i don't mean we make our kids do all the work. what i mean is, in a normal work environment it is the managers job to get the employee to do as much as possible, as well as possible, for as little as possible. it is the employee's job to do the opposite. as little, half assed, with expectations of lots of money. if you're like me, an easy boss, most of the time you are going to be disappointed. the nicer you are, the more advantage they take. if you're like my boss, a total ass, you'll be disappointed there too. forget respect, forget trust. his employees spend a lot of time plotting behind his back. you have to find the happy medium. my therapist explained something to me recently. take a divorced household where one parent is good and always available and the other parent is basically a child and takes no real responsibility. in this case, you are the good parent, stinky is the bad parent. 100% of the time when children lash out at a parent, it's the good parent that gets it. no matter what the topic. it doesn't matter their father doesn't really put a dime towards their ability to live and thrive. if you're broke or won't buy a candy bar, you're the mean parent. and it's all because with you, the child feels safe to respond. even if the response is inappropriate. you get to be the bad guy because you are the good, safe parent. how fair is that? so what can you do? be consistent. i know we reward our kids when they do well. but we should have expectations that are a part of their daily lives. and while i'm sure you were pleased and surprised that your daughter took it upon herself to tackle the garage...and i'm not being negative here.....don't let that act simply erase everything else. kids need and want structure and discipline. to them it equals love. but it has to be consistent to really matter. there is nothing wrong with mean mommy coming out once in a while.

I understand that they lash

Submitted by Guest (not verified) on Fri, 02/27/2009 - 9:43am.

I understand that they lash out at the safe parent but some days it is really hard to take when the "irresponsible" parent can let them down and never hear their pain. Sadly, because the kids feel that the relationship with that parent is so fragile they can't really express themselves but I still resent it somedays. Responsible Mom

Thank you

Submitted by guest (not verified) on Tue, 02/24/2009 - 12:22pm.

You have made me feel better. I guess I never thought of it that way, but your explanation makes sense to me. I'm the safe parent. I like being the safe parent; ok, not all that it means, but I'm glad it's me they feel they can express themselves with. This information will help me, and I'm taking it to heart. Thank you. Wanda Woodard

Single Parenting At Its Most Difficult: Mean Mommy Syndrome

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