I read with great interest Cathy Meyer's article, What to Do if Your Husband is Cheating. I know she's the expert, and I'm certainly not, but I don't think I can be as reasonable about an affair as the article seems to prompt women to be.
You know what I just can't get to fit nicely into my brain? It boggles my mind that an affair could be something that my husband and I could work through together rationally and come out of it all stronger than before. Maybe I look at things a little differently, but here is what really gets me: sex with someone other than your committed spouse is dangerous. Even with a condom, you can wind up with some really nasty diseases that at the least will give you unsightly sores and at the worst can kill you in a slow and painful death. Am I really supposed to work to save a relationship with someone who is willing to give me a life-threatening disease just because he wanted something different in bed?
The other night I was flipping through the channels on TV and stumbled upon a new VH1 reality show called The Tool Academy. Have you seen this train wreck yet? The premise is this: Some guys who think they are competing for the title of Mr. Awesome soon discover that they're actually on the show because their significant other thinks the men are "tools" and need relationship makeovers.
At one point the women all sit down and watch recorded interviews from their boyfriends and the men reveal all sorts of horrible details. The majority of the men were cheating (some with multiple women) and some of the men boasted about how they had their women "in check." These men bragged that their girlfriends paid the bills and cleaned the house and didn't talk back.
So the women are all watching this with their mouths wide open, gasping and crying, and a couple of the women turn and slap their boyfriends across the face.
A neighbor and I were chatting over some coffee the other day when my husband walked into the room and told us about his coworker.
"Joe" is having a hard time with his divorce because he's still living with his wife and her children from a previous marriage. He can't afford to get his own place right now. He lives in the basement and they're navigating through the process of making the divorce final. I've heard of a lot of couples having to do this with tough economic times and I can't imagine it's an easy thing to do.
My husband tells us that isn't the worst of Joe's problems. He paused for effect and then told us that she was cheating on Joe while he was still living in the house. My neighbor and I were both confused and I replied, "She isn't cheating...they're divorcing."
I've been thinking a lot about the theological aspect of divorce. I can't be the only one who thinks this is a big issue to consider when contemplating divorce, but if any church talk turns you off then I'll apologize right now. If, on the other hand, you're concerned about divorce and how it pertains to your faith, then maybe my thought process will help you a little.
I attend a Christian church. Even though the church I go to is pretty liberal there are very few people there who are divorced. The demographic is mainly families like mine, with young children, a husband who works outside the home, and a wife who stays home and cares for the kids during the day.
Divorce isn't really an issue that comes up in sermons at all in our church, but it's supposed to be something we try to avoid. We're supposed to keep the family unit intact. The husband is supposed to love the wife like Christ loved the church, and a wife is supposed to honor her husband.
That's a tall order when all you want to do is pack your bags and leave.
My neighbor and I were talking about our perplexing positions in life. We are both in the same boat, contemplating divorce for a couple of years now with young children involved. She revealed to me that her husband had been physically abusive to her a few times throughout the marriage and that he continues to verbally assault her in front of her kids on an almost daily basis.
When I told her that I think my husband may be either cheating on me or planning on cheating on me, she said, "Oh, that's where I draw the line. If he cheats on me, I'm out of here."
This got me thinking about the different thresholds we all have as women. Before I was married I always assumed that my threshold would be "If I'm unhappy in my marriage, I'm out of here." After we were married and we had kids my threshold evolved into something like, "If he ever lays a hand on me in violence, or becomes verbally abusive, or cheats on me, then I'm out of here."
I'm probably a really big idiot. You know how some women are completely blindsided when they find out their husbands are cheating? They never saw the signs and then one day something abruptly happens and husband's escapades are revealed while the wife stands there befuddled and betrayed.
I'm in a different situation: The signs are there that my husband may be straying — or thinking of straying — but I can't believe that it's actually happening. I just think I'm paranoid or hyper-vigilant. You tell me if this sounds off to you.
Isn't social networking great? Not only can I hop on the FWW Network and chat with women who are in a similar situation, but I have also reconnected with a bunch of people through other networking web sites whom I thought I would never speak to again.
It's a little weird how ex-boyfriends and lukewarm friends from the past suddenly request to become "friends" on sites like Facebook. I had one friend look me up recently; things did not end well with her 10 years ago. She ended our friendship with a diatribe about how selfish I was and lo and behold now she's sending me messages saying she's so happy to find me, we really need to catch up, yadda, yadda, yadda.
My best friend from my early twenties found me online the other day. We were inseparable back when we were young and single, but job assignments took us to opposite ends of the globe and we eventually lost touch. Last night we chatted a bit and it's funny how similar our paths have been: We both got married, quit working, had kids, and became disenchanted with our marriages.
