Identifying the Problem Doesn't Necessarily Solve It

Identifying the Problem Doesn't Necessarily Solve It

My couples therapy lightbulb moment

We were back in the therapist’s office the other night, Sam and I. Same seats on the couch, same therapist sitting across from us on the same floral rug. Same issues we’ve been scrutinizing for years holding the space between us.

My epiphany: The problem is Sam and I are living two disparate realities. We experience the exact same moments, together, and have completely separate perceptions and understanding of what transpired.

It’s like this. During spring break week Nigerian scammers hacked into email and sent my entire address book a desperate plea for $2500 to get me home because I was “stucked in London with out my wallet and the relevant documents.” Actually the only thing I was "stucked" doing was cleaning up after their mess all day. When it was fixed, my 7-year-old turned up with lice and I spent another day and a half dealing with the delousing.

When the fires were extinguished, I’d had about two days of work time.

Sam said, “What do you mean, you’ve done nothing but work all week?”

We had this week, both of us together in the same moments after moments, and came out if it on opposite ends.

No wonder we spend so much time pissed-off. We’re living conflicting realities.

That we can agree on.

I snugged myself into the corner of the couch, not touching him.

“But you’re not in two realities. You’re giving me the exact same interpretation of the last few days,” the therapist said. “You’re just using different words to describe what was happening.”

I get what she means.

Here’s the thing: I love new knowledge, the way it elevates a relationships, makes the unbearable understandable.

But I never no what to do with it. That’s the rub. Naming a problem doesn’t solve it.