Four Characteristics That Help People Move More Quickly Through Divorce

Four Characteristics That Help People Move More Quickly Through Divorce

Soon after my husband left, I joined a divorce support group and found it very helpful. A year later, the facilitator stepped down and asked me to help facilitate the group. Emotionally, I was in a much better place then and agreed to help. It seemed like a good way to give back to a group that had given me so much.

Divorce support groups take many different forms but this one operates as a forum for people to share their stories, feelings and ask questions. The facilitator's role is mainly to make sure that everyone has a chance to speak. Over the past two years, I've seen a lot of people come and go, but I'm starting to identify the characteristics that help people move more quickly through the stages of this tragedy and those that slow down the process. Here's what I've learned:

• Grieve:  People are often embarrassed to be seen crying but I think it's healthy. People who genuinely grieve the loss the relationship seem to heal more quickly than those who don't. Some of the people who seem tto me to be the most balanced reported crying a lot in the early months and were embarrassed that they "couldn't keep it together" more. People have reported crying in supermarkets, airports, sporting events, movie theatres and in the car among other places. 
  
• Take action:  Getting a lawyer, dividing up assets, making a financial plan is tough, often excruciating but getting through it helps to get to the future. People who put off doing these things come to the group with the same concerns and anxieties every week. I find it hard to help these people because the problems always remain the same.
  
• Listen and take advice:  Some people come with pretty clear ideas of what they will or won't do. "I won't use a lawyer." "My spouse would never.."  "I couldn't possibly take medication..." None of us thought we would be here. Willingness to listen and change your course of action can be a big help.
  
• Money or lack of money doesn't seem to have much affect as far as I can tell on a person's emotional well-being. I've seen some people with nothing but debt emerge with serenity and those with enough assets to keep both parties comfortable remain stuck. After all, No matter how much money you have, there are lawyers willing to spend it for you.

(posted by fiddlelady)