Episode 9: Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold

Episode 9: Revenge Is a Dish Best Served Cold

Excerpts from "The Petty Chronicles" every Monday

If you are getting divorced, you may want to plan a party to celebrate. After all, your girlfriends absolutely deserve to have some fun after the enormous amount of time and advice they’ve no doubt invested on your behalf. And besides, you too deserve to have a little fun, when all is said and done. The details of your party — such as whom to invite, where and when to have it, and what to serve — will largely depend on the type of divorce you’re planning.

For instance, if yours is going to be a quickie divorce, taking place in a sunny, foreign locale, there will be logistics to consider i.e.: travel, hotel and ground transportation, and of course knowing the proper legal protocol to follow and the location of a courthouse. If you’re going to stay a few days and work on your tan, you’ll need to pack a bag, making sure to remember the sunscreen, a trashy romance novel and the necessary paperwork.

And don’t forget, it’s best to travel light and leave your rings at home, especially if your ex-husband had great taste in jewelry. Besides, you should have taken them off by now. In this case, you may want to invite a couple of friends along for the ride and celebrate with them there, making the festivities a bit more intimate.

Irreconcilable differences is just a nice way of saying "Get out of my life before I strangle you!"  Both people realize that the marriage has run its course and they are staying together out of habit (and the fear of having to get naked in front of someone new). But it’s inevitable that one of them finally has to scream (at the top of her lungs like a Banshee), "Get out of my life before I strangle you!"

Once this phrase has been uttered, the person being evicted finally comes to his senses, the possessions are divided, and the papers are signed. This will call for a larger party and a generous supply of cocktails because yelling like a Banshee will have made you very thirsty, and whether you are drowning your sorrows or toasting to your freedom, your friends will be more than happy to keep you company. And besides, it wouldn’t be polite to drink alone and, as I’ve said, your girlfriends deserve a drink after the hours they’ve spent listening to your litany of woes. 

Leave it to me to take the road less traveled. I planned a surprise divorce and absolutely do not recommend this to anyone who doesn’t have the patience of a Sherpa. I had known I wanted out of the prison I laughingly referred to as “my marriage” for several months before I shared this news with my husband, because I had a lot of financial planning to do. And also, if I hadn’t taken this precaution he would have become hysterical, channeling Blanche Dubois 24-7, making my life even more of a melodrama than it already was. Besides, it would have ruined the surprise for sure!

This route, if you plan to take it, which I suggest you don’t, certainly calls for something a bit more extravagant, as you have suffered more mightily than Job himself and no doubt, if your girlfriends are as loyal as mine, they will want to help you kick up your heels in grand style. I suggest an afternoon soiree with all your best gal pals in attendance. Keep the menu simple by serving some cold hors d’ouvres and keep the wine flowing and you will have the time of your life. Trust me, it’s a lot more fun than the life sentence you just escaped.

Check out new episodes of The Petty Chronicles every Monday.

Click the following to learn about The Petty Chronicles and its author, Rachel Gladstone