Episode 43: Project Gay Divorcee

Episode 43: Project Gay Divorcee

Excerpts from "The Petty Chronicles" Every Monday

“One less bell to answer. One less egg to fry. One less man to pick up after…and all I do is cry.” You may or may not remember these lyrics from a song recorded by The Fifth Dimension a million years ago, but whether or not you do, they sum up the feeling of being left and alone as well as any I can think of.

Sure it’s sad when your husband exits, stage left. Even though you couldn’t stand another minute of sharing airspace with him, it’s disconcerting to feel disconnected from the man you vowed to love forever. But the thought of not having to pick up after him anymore, fry an extra egg or answer his calls should bring you a modicum of relief right off the bat. And as days turn into weeks and months you will begin to feel good about yourself again. In fact you might even feel so happy, you’ll be ready pronounce yourself a Gay Divorcee and when this happens it will be a red letter day indeed!

Getting there may seem daunting at first, so in order to capitalize on your newfound Gay Divorcee status, I suggest you make a laundry list of all the things you will no longer miss about being a Mrs. Just beginning one will start to clear the cobwebs of confusion and self-loathing (a couple of the fine parting gifts you got in the divorce) that skewed your vision of your former self. Unfortunately you won’t achieve full Gay Divorcee status until you reclaim the woman you were before you met and married him, but after taking this first step I guarantee you will be off and running.

Here are a few examples that may give you a head start on your own list. Remember to have fun along the way; this exercise is all about you and it’s about time that something was!

1. No More Cooking For Him. By the time we married, not only was I bringing in my share of the bacon, I was frying it up in a pan, serving it to him and doing the dishes too. I did this for years as if I was some kind of Stepford Wife and looking back I’m amazed that I put up with it as long as I did.

2. I Don’t Have to Clean Up After Him Anymore. Isn’t there an unwritten rule that she who cooks shall be excused from dish duty? Despite the fact that I pointed this rule out to him loudly and often he never did the dishes-not even once. OK. That’s not entirely correct. Routinely, he would finish eating first, leave the table, wash his plate and silverware and retreat to parts unknown. Later, he would scold me if the kitchen was not spotless, as if his big contribution to cleanliness had indeed been next to Godliness and I should be more like him when it came to achieving stellar dishwasher status.

3. No More Remote Control Wars. We always argued about which TV program to watch until, at the end, we watched our own programs in separate rooms. My husband was not big on sharing anyway but trying to wrest the remote from him was akin to doing battle with an animal protecting its young. It wasn’t pretty.

4. No More Hairs In The Sink. When you first fall in love, everything he does is adorable. “Look at his cute little hairs in the sink!’ you’ll exclaim the first time he shaves at your house. But when the love between you grows thin, so will your patience and those once adorable hairs will become the bane of your existence; you’ll be so happy to see them go, you might even do a little dance.

5. No More Human Alarm Clock In My Bed. He always urged me to “Wake up early and embrace the day!” But being a perpetual night-owl, this was a tall order for me, even when our love was young and worth getting up for. The problem here was that he always beat me to the bathroom, locking the door (he needed his privacy) leaving me to do the cha-cha for 45 minutes before I could get in there and empty my bladder. Somehow this fact was totally lost on him and he never quit urging me to join him in his pre-dawn salute. It was enough to make me want to kill him.

6. No More NASCAR. He was a huge fan of the endless drone of wasp-like engines encased in overly colorful cars that chase each other in circles, for hours-on-end. Add to this the scores of football, baseball, basketball and pro-wrestling matches he watched and you have a woman who is happy to live in a sports-free zone at last!

7. I Can Wear Whatever I Want. Despite that fact that the man always wore the same uniform which consisted of jeans, a button down shirt and sports coat, my husband acted like Heidi friggin’ Klume when it came to monitoring my wardrobe. Really, it seemed he was never happy with what I chose to wore, insisting I looked fat in everything. This prognosis came with no prompting on my part, I assure you.

8. I Only Have To Buy Ketchup Once A Year. The man put ketchup on everything including my homemade lasagna. The only thing that didn’t get coated with the sweet-sticky stuff was his morning oatmeal. We went through a large bottle every week without fail which makes me practically want to boycott ketchup forever.

9. I’m Not Blind Anymore. My husband was a handful from the moment we met and I probably should have seen his high maintenance ass coming from a mile away. Not only was I blind to the myriad of red flags waving in my face but I was a fool for him, which made me a vision-impaired idiot by anybody’s standards. But now I am anything but blind and that makes me happier than almost anything I can think of.

Check out new episodes of The Petty Chronicles every Monday.

Click the following to learn about The Petty Chronicles and its author, Rachel Gladstone