Do We Make Choices Or Sacrifices?

Posted to House Bloggers by Delaine Moore on Wed, 12/02/2009 - 9:58am

Many months ago, during a deep conversation with my Good Man — a handsome, young widower who continues to restore my faith in men — we began talking about "sacrifices" and "choices." Or rather, I was rambling on about how I think women make sacrifices when they become wives and mothers — when he cut me off. “Do you really think of the decisions you’ve made as being sacrifices?” he asked. “Cause when I look back on the timeline of my life, I think I made choices...not sacrifices.”

His words left me feeling somewhat foolish. For he was right — the word "sacrifice" had an air of helplessness and regret about it. It was shrouded in a self-pitying "if only..." I thus decided to refrain from using that word again in that context.

But this past weekend, a situation with a married girlfriend had me speaking it again. As a part-time working mother of three young children, she’d been offered her "dream job": we’re talking big money, challenge, clout, and recognition for all her many years of study and work. But what did she do?

She turned it down.

Her reasons were well-thought and honorable: for ultimately, her children and husband would feel huge repercussions if she accepted. There’d be no more volunteering at the kids’ schools, before-school and after-school care, less family time, and over all, one heaping plate of stress on top of her children and marriage.

As my girlfriend discussed her decision with me, I admired her for them greatly; she was putting her family’s needs and wants before her own. But I could hear something in her tone — it sounded...sad. Almost resigned. And when I asked her about it, she honestly responded that as much as she "knew" she was making the right decision, a part of her was grieving. “This may sound selfish,” she said.“But a part of me wonders when will it be MY time. What about MY dreams? I mean, when I got married, I knew marriage would be hard work and I’d have to give of myself and compromise to make it work. But this job was everything that I — ME, the Stella pre-marriage, had dreamed of (sigh). And I’m letting it pass me by.”

So now I wonder: Was her decision a choice? Or a sacrifice? Perhaps a little of both? And I further wonder how many men find themselves in this position verses women; who, in such a situation, gives and/or bends? Who makes the choice to take the lesser job to be home on PD days, care for sick kids, prepare family meals, drive kids to their activities? I’m not saying this to start a gender war; men make "sacrifices" and "choices" too. But oftentimes the nature of those sacrifices and choices, the reasons why they are made, are different.

We all know that for every big decision we make, consequences will follow. And when us women arrive at those major forks, most of us sit there weighing not only the pros and cons of a potential fatter wallet, but how it might ripple outwards into the family and possibly burden everyone else and our homes...

And so I wonder: is it not until a woman is in her sixties, seventies, or even eighties, that she finally feels peace with all her "choices"? Is it then that she clearly sees how all her "choices" aligned her towards living an honorable and meaningful life? Or is it then that a pain in her bones achingly reminds her of that which was dreamed...and sacrificed?

Comments

Sacrifices?

Submitted by Rodney Harrison (not verified) on Tue, 10/05/2010 - 3:27pm.

I truly understand what this woman's friend is feeling, but at the same time, most men, I mean real men, don't ask their wives to sacrifice their dreams or even make the decision to somehow lose who they are just to make us happy. Speaking for myself, that is a big responsibility for a man to carry. I want my wife to work to potential and fulfill her dreams, because, and I know this might sound selfish, I not will give up on my dreams just because I got married. I want my wife to have her own identity and not alway be identified as Rodney's wife. She was own person before me and should continue to be that way. The problem is that some women never serious ask their husbands how they feel about them persuing their dreams. If they did, they might be surprise to know that their husband actually want them to persue their dreams and be their own person. That's person that you man fell in love with in the first place, unless you were pretending to be someone else. Just my opinion.

I have spoken with women and men 70 and older.

Submitted by work in a nursing home (not verified) on Sun, 02/28/2010 - 11:32pm.

Working in a nursing home gives me a perspective on how the older population feel about their decisions with career and family. Some women will say they don't regret their choices, but I have discovered those women seem to have had a well balanced life. For instance, one woman had her mother living with her and helping care for the children. So she was able to continue in her career, knowing her children were being well cared for. She also had a great career that afforded much family time. She was able to leave work and volunteer at the school. She told me her children were proud of her accomplishments and she believed it inspired them in their own lives. However, I have heard women use the word sacrifice and regret not having a career or taking advantage of opportunities. Other women say their choices were sacrifices, but they wouldn't change a thing. Some of the men who had great success in their careers report much regret for not being there for their children and missing out on so much. The men who chose careers which afforded more family time told me they did what they had to do at the time. One man spoke of giving up a management position that included 80% travel. It would have been his dream job prior to having a family, but he chose to have a family. His family was more important than any job. He was satisfied. Another man was not as satisfied, telling me he gave up many opportunities while his kids were growing up. Then they grew up and had lives of their own. His wife died in her early 50's. He regretted not taking those opportunities because when he could take those opportunities they weren't there for the offering. He was stuck in a monotonous, dead end job and was alone. He loved his children, but they had their own lives and his life no longer evolved around them. One woman told me she loved raising her children, but went into a deep depression after the last child moved out. Her childrens' dreams always came before her own. The woman worked a few clerical jobs during the years, but did not accomplish her career goals. I found out later she had a masters degree in English and aspired to become a teacher at the secondary or college level. Another woman said she loved every minute being a mother and wife. She worked odd jobs through the years to help pay for vacations, childrens' activities, and college. She wasn't at all upset with her choices. She graduated high school with the 3rd highest grades out of 95 students. She began her college education, but quit to be with her husband in the military. She had her first child 14 months later and then 4 more to follow. Two of her children are physicians, one an accountant, another an accomplished athlete, and her only daughter is a chemistry teacher. She is so proud of her children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. When asked do you have any regrets with not finishing college or having a career of your own? She replied, "Regret what? (Pointing at her collage of pictures) Look at all those beautiful people. I am a part of all of them. I have shared in all their dreams. I am so lucky to have been there." I may add each of her children either call or visit on a regular basis. She always has regular traffic going to and from her room. In my opinion after talking with everyone, I realized it is a personal decision, a choice. A choice that may be a sacrifice, but you should follow some rules before making that choice. You should not be making the decision out of guilt or feel sad about your decision. If you make the decision out of guilt then you will regret it later. If you are sad with the decision you are making then it is a sacrifice. You should not sacrifice your own happiness. Your happiness is the key to having a happy life for your children and the healthy relationship with your spouse. A happy mom raises happy children. However in the end it is a very difficult and personal decision. I don't think any of us can know if our present choices will be sacrifices that we will regret later. We do our best now and know we made the best decision we could at the time.

Do We Make Choices Or Sacrifices?

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