Butt Naked Baptism

After much ado, Michael was baptized on Sunday. There was a great turnout — the best in the small town's short history. People came from across from the country to see my little boy participate in the biggest spiritual event of his life.

The spiritual is always balanced by the practical, though, and there were practical matters to be attended to. Apparently, some genius thought it would be a good idea to let eight year old Michael dress himself that morning. Quick Reader's Digest scoop on Mormon baptisms: they're done by full immersion, and you have to wear white. All white.

It seems Michael decided to celebrate this momentous occasion in Spiderman underwear. Spiderman underwear is not white. Not even a little bit.

My ex was sent out in search of white underwear. When he returned — confident and conspiratorial — he passed the Wal-Mart bag to his father like he was taking part in a drug deal.

It turns out that in the years since my ex left the church, he forgot how specific the Mormon's can be about the all-white rule. He forgot about the translucent robes. He figured all white with a blue stripe on the waistband would be okay. He figured wrong.

In the baptismal font, surrounded by supportive family and friends, Michael officially became a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. My ex and I knelt side by side. We prayed. We said, "Amen."

We watched, proud and solemn, as Michael turned to leave the water, completely commando, with an ass as naked as the day he was born.