Ah, the bad behavioral patterns that we developed from the time we were a child that followed us into early adulthood, our marriages and our mothering. If you're not careful you will find yourself slipping. And when you're in the moving beyond phase of your divorce, you have to be on the look out for the ghosts of bad behavior from your past.

At 51 I think it's a little late to blame who I am and what I've done, at least in the last decade of two, on my parents. They tried. They did their best. But, it simply wasn't enough. If you're somewhere in my age bracket, then you were raised by the children of the Great Depression. Hell, my mother was born in 1930! Our parents felt that if they clothed, fed and sheltered us, we were good to go. They had no way of knowing how introspective we would all eventually end up becoming.

It's Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs — there are six levels with number one being the most basic, food, clothing and shelter. Six is Self Actualization. Our parents did not have time to consider the meaning of anything outside of paying the mortgage, cooking, working, cleaning. But today, in the throws of the Information Age, we are all searching. Self-help books and DVD sales are at all-time highs.

But, the bottom line is this: We want to love and be loved. However, the exact process to find this Nirvana has eluded us. We're divorcees. Give me a break. Our marriage failed us. We failed our marriage. We walked away for lack of emotional or financial support. We left because of infidelity. We scrambled out barely with our lives in tact.

However, the last thing we need to do is to repeat wrong behavior. If we had become a door mat for our husbands, a "yes" woman, a punching bag — either verbally or physically (me), we need to make sure we're not sliding back into that. Ever.

So, as much as it may kill me, I'm stepping away from the pool. The pool of men out there — the pool of potential relationships. I have to steer clear for now. Maybe not forever. I hate the idea of never having a healthy relationship. Ever. See, I'd like to say "again" but that would be a lie.

I have never had a healthy relationship. There. God! I said it.

And as old Doc Phil asks, "So, how's that working for you?"

I'm going to have to step way, way back on my solid rock and not be lured into the sandpits where it's all slishy and slidey and just stay on solid ground. Solid ground is my career (which is going very well) and my children (NI — Needs improvement) and my house and dog and family and few select friends.

And speaking of history repeating itself, two of my kittens came back. The folks did not even leave a note. (They were obviously raised by parents of the depression era themselves). Well that's a step in the wrong direction, but I'm pressing forward believing that there is a family out there for each little fur ball and maybe a man out there for me...some day.