Time for Change, Time for My Exit
Time for Change, Time for My Exit
I've written about our happy days and sad, our intimacies and lack thereof, our dreams and traditions, and how those things have changed. Rob and I have both enjoyed each others' families and been hurt by them. Sometimes we've put each other first, and sometimes we've neglected each others' need entirely.
Rob has drunk himself near to death, stopped drinking altogether, and then found a balance. I've both searched for apartments so I could move out on my own, and gave my all to couples therapy in hopes we'd find the key to a happier marriage.
I've written extensively on my doubt, and shared my wavering heart as honestly as possible, even when my wishy-washiness seemed a terribly embarrassing mark of weakness.
In the throes of the holidays, with the New Year approaching, I've been playing my part as usual. Rob and I are having family and friends over tonight.
Who knows how we'll seem to some of them who don't know the troubles we've had, and who don't know we have a sexless marriage. Perhaps we'll seem the perfect hosts, with the perfect demeanor, with the perfect relationship.
But play-acting has never suited me, and I believe it's time for lasting change.
I'm not leaving Rob, and I'm no more sure about this marriage; I'm getting ready to leave you readers.
I joined First Wives World believing that through writing I would come to a better understanding of what was wrong with my relationship, and I would change it. Indeed, comments both online and off from readers have brought new perspective to my marriage, and I've felt both more empowered to take from life exactly what I want, and also more settled in present circumstances.
Overall, this is still an ill-fitting marriage. Perhaps I just need to grow up and let go of certain ideas about identity, or selfish dreams. Perhaps I need to learn how to better recapture the joy of youth here in present circumstances.
You've heard me muse about these things before, and now it's time for some quiet. I'll continue to meditate on them in the New Year, and as I start winding down my blogs I'll certainly share any fantastic developments, but likely I'll exit quietly, with no bang. No separation, and no renewal of vows. I'll just take my forever curious mind, my seemingly pervasive discomfort, and exit the stage.
If I stop the chatter in my mind and on the page, perhaps I will find more comfort and space to lend to my relationship to Rob. Maybe then real change will come — change of heart that is so great it cannot be denied, and I will know, finally for certain, what to do.
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