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Second Marriage 101
Can you teach couples to get it right the second time?
There was an interesting piece yesterday in the Hartford Courant about classes aimed at couples who are remarrying.
The gist is that most divorced people — even the ones who might have participated in marriage-preparation counseling the first time around — don't avail themselves of that help as they head into a second marriage. Since remarriages end in divorce at a higher rate than first marriages, it seems like second marriage classes might be a good idea.
The story does a good job of pointing out the fact that many divorced people consider themselves "experienced" — they don't expect to fall into the same traps as their first marriages because they've "been there and done that." The problem is, though, that most divorced people probably don't know much about what it takes to have a successful marriage. Sure, there's that segment of jilted partners who had their happy home-life destroyed by a cheating spouse, but for most of us, the road to divorce was a two-way street. Sitting down to talk with someone about the issues unique to remarriages sounds like a good idea.
The problem I have with the concept is that it seems like most classes are happening within churches. If you're not religious, or if you're opposed to pre-marriage counseling from that perspective, you don't seem to have many options.
Perhaps there's an untapped niche for the marriage counseling market here: Secular second-marriage counseling. I question how much benefit someone who doesn't know you or your soon-to-be spouse can provide by meeting with you a few times. If it's geared specifically toward second-marriages, without religious dogma attached, it might just be worthwhile.
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There is always an
There is always an opportunity for growth. Stagnation is deadly. Life is a continuous learning curve. That's what keeps it interesting.
CM
For someone who was cheated on
Even though my marriage ended because of my ex's infidelity, I think it is important for me and all individuals (divorced, single, in a committed relationship) to be as committed to growing and building skills for their relationships as they would anything else important in their lives (being a parent, taking care of their finances, etc.)
We are not born with and are often not taught how to build and sustain quality lasting intimate relationships, so I think that it is important for anyone to take personal responsibility in intentionally growing as a partner. I think most church-based counseling sessions may be useful, but I think they are only complementary to more in-depth counseling. I highly suggest Imago Therapy for anyone (single or not) as it is the best process I have found to help build lasting and intentional relationships.
My ex and I did a few sessions in the midst of his affair, and it was evident to me from the beginning that I was married to a man who had no intention or interest in building a truly intimate relationship. It helped me make a solid and non-regrettable decision that he was not going to show up in the marriage and that it was healthier for me to leave.
Now, I am starting Imago Therapy as an individual to continue my healing, and to also dig deeper within myself so that I know why I attracted my ex in the first place and that I am full present and able to enter into my next commited relationship with new skills and insights.
This therapy is powerful whether your relationship is troubled or not. I know that when I am in my next serious relationship, I want us to attend one of the weekend workshops before I even think about committing to him long term, both to determine how open he is to counseling as a healthy part of our relationship and to lay the groundwork for our potential future together.
For me, even though I was cheated on, I think that the "been there, done that" experience of life is not enough to be at the next level to truly have the relationship we want, need, and deserve.
I like the idea...but.
I think the idea is good but I don't think you can get a quick fix. I don't think going to a few classes is the answer. I think you need to continue the classes on a monthly bases. Bring to the table all the little things that bug you about the other person and work them out openly and honestly. That is really the only way to keep it together.
Toni