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The Ghosts Of Manhattan
Recently I spent a few days in Manhattan. As I've mentioned before, I live about two hours north of New York City — the greatest city in the world — but until I met Levi, I hadn't really ventured that way often.
Levi grew up in Manhattan, so he knew the ins and outs like the back of his hand. He showed me around, taught me how to ride the subway, introduced me to all the city has to offer — which is a lot!
It was weird being there without him. We walked around and passed by sights that he had pointed out to me. We walked past the park, and my head was filled with stories he shared with me about wild high school parties. We walked past a restaurant he and I loved, and I found myself missing him. We walked past his parents house, and I found myself mad as Hell.
After a whole day of walking around, I was upset. I felt like even though Levi is all the way across the country, I could still feel his presence in Manhattan. Its as if Manhattan is his ghost.
Being there triggered all of these memories, all of these bad feelings — but mostly anger. I thought I was over Levi, and I suppose in some ways I am. But I'm still so angry with him for what he's done to our son. I'm still so angry with myself for being so wrong about him.
I know I need to let go if it, I just don't know how.
Make NYC Your Own
Faith,
How about finding a way to make NYC your own? How can you create new memories, experiences, etc. with friends and your son that become stronger and more important than your memories with Levi?
Also, I believe that there are many layers to letting someone go. They all take time and proactive healing. I realized the other day that I have released my husband intellectually (it was the right thing to do because he cheated on me), good part of the way releasing him emotionally (memories/triggers of he and his girlfriend, things he said and did or did not do rarely result in a crying breakdown or a complete loss of energy), but the hardest part is releasing him spiritually. It is only then that I truly let him go. It does not mean that you forget your past or get rid of it (that is neither healthy or possible). Rather, you integrate each layer of your past and then release each one on a spiritual level.
This is the hardest and scariest level. But, until the work is done, you will not be fully grown and present for the next relationship. I have already started such a process, and the shift within me is already amazing. I pray for the same for you and all other women in similar situations.
ghosts
The old adage about time healing is true. After my 2nd summer since the divorce, I've been able to let a lot go. It does get better.
I'm not a therapist, but the
I'm not a therapist, but the fact that you are acknowledging your feelings is a way of healing. It's important that you are feeling SOMETHING and it's not always pleasant, but you will get through this. From what I have read in your blogs, you are a strong woman with a very clear sense of self. You won't ever let your ex ruin you or your son and the simple fact that you divorced him speaks volumes about the strength that you possess. It takes one day at a time...
CM
I think you're right....and
I think you're right....and my therapist says the same thing. Thank you so much for your comment...faith
I know waht you mean im the
I know waht you mean im the same way.