It takes a lot to come to grips with the idea that a relationship has ended. It took a lot for me to realize that my marriage was over, but I remember coming to peace with the decision. It was painful, but I had resolution in my heart that I was making the right decision.

So what happens when the relationship doesn't actually end after this decision has been made?

I let my husband go in my heart. I came to grips with the fact that it was over. The marriage had ended. The relationship was a failure. Everything was going to get really messy.   

Then I didn't leave. We decided to keep trying for the sake of our kids and for the love we once had. I quickly found that the decision to try to stay in the relationship didn't instantaneously become a magical decision that made everything better. At first I was really frustrated that I couldn't suddenly be a full-fledged partner within the marriage. I felt disconnected, and on top of that, I felt really guilty that I didn't feel connected.

After much thought it occurred to me that it had taken me a long, long time to decide that the marriage was over. I guess in light of this, it makes sense that it would take me a long time to adopt another stance. That doesn't make it any less frustrating, though, and to tell you the truth I don't know if I'll ever feel like I'm 100% in this marriage. I'm on a plateau. I can't decide what is worse: making the decision to end a relationship or just kind of hanging out to wait and see what happens. 

At least back then I felt a little empowered for having made a decision. Even though I'm glad that I'm sticking around for the sake of our kids, I'm disappointed that I didn't trust myself enough to stick with the decision I made after a too much laborious anguish.