I've changed a lot in the past few years. When my husband stopped paying attention to me I started writing professionally and the next thing I knew I was busy with a freelance writing career that became surprisingly profitable. At first I was making enough money to occasionally take the family out to dinner, but now I make almost as much as my husband does.

It's an interesting transition to go from stay-at-home mom to nearly-equal breadwinner, especially when it annoys my husband to no end. In the beginning he would tolerate my deadlines but roll his eyes and sigh about how I should really work more on keeping the house clean. For a while I managed to do both — I kept the house clean and met all my deadlines — but I got very little sleep and was really exhausted all the time.

Funny...he could have stepped up and helped me with the house and taken some of the burden off me, but he didn't. In fact, one time he blew up at me and said how unfair it was that I had agreed to be a stay-at-home mom but then went out and got myself a career. Damn that ambition of mine.

Fast forward to present day, with the economy going crazy and our money just not stretching like it once did. It's my income that allows us to meet our bills every month and for him to still have the niceties he craves. It's my income that pays for car repairs. My income pays for the preschool tuition for the kids and paid for our road trip to see my husband's parents last month. In other words, without my income we'd be in bad shape.

This doesn't change a thing. I'm still expected to do everything around the house. No matter how much money I bring in he still sees me as the same stay-at-home mom I was years ago. I guess it's what he wanted, and still wants to this day, so that's what I'm always going to be in his mind.

How much does a divorce cost? I don't mean the mental costs or even the cost of finding another place to live and all that jazz.

What I'm talking about is the actual cost of going to a lawyer, retaining his or her services, and paying for the lawyer to do whatever divorce lawyers do. I'm guessing they have to draw up documents, negotiate, and answer about a million questions from people like me who are confused and scared out of their minds.

So how much does this cost? I'm guessing it depends on what's involved. If I was to leave my guess is that the divorce would be contested and there would be custody issues. Does this cost more than an uncontested divorce?

When I did an initial search for divorce lawyers I was surprised to see that some of them offered payment plans. Financing a divorce? I was flabbergasted. It must cost a great deal of money if it needs to be financed.

Yes, I'm naïve. I haven't built up the nerve to actually make an appointment with a divorce attorney because I'm terrified of starting the process. Going in to see a lawyer and asking the question of how much it will all cost means that I'm really going through with it, and I just don't know if I'm ready to do that.

So instead of getting an educated estimate of the costs involved, I worry about if it's something I can afford or if I'll wind up financing it.

What a thing to finance. The very thought scares the heck out of me.

"I just don't get it...why are you still in this relationship?" That's a quote from one of my readers, and it's a valid question. Honestly, I stared at that comment for about five minutes without moving, and then I read it aloud to myself. Then I asked myself, "Yeah, Megan, why are you still in this relationship?"

Oddly enough, even though I'm just crazy enough to ask myself a question out loud, I'm not quite crazy enough to have an answer.

There are many reasons why I'm still in this relationship. I'm scared to death of turning my kids' world upside down. I'm scared at having to make it on my own financially. I'm scared of walking away from a relationship when there might be a smidgen of hope for us. I'm scared that my husband will fall back into the suicidal feelings thing.

I'm scared of ending a marriage that I began in a church, standing before a pastor, my family, and God, with me promising to stay with my husband for better or for worse until the day I die. So yeah, basically I'm scared.

I'm not afraid to admit that I'm a big scaredy-cat. With life in general, I'm not really ever paralyzed with fear. I make a decision and leap right in. When it comes to this, though, I'm frightened out of my mind.

I don't like being so scared of something that it keeps me from making a final decision. This isn't my usual fare, and it makes me incredibly uncomfortable.

Ask me why I'm still in the relationship, and I'll give you a big, confident reply of "I have no idea." I'm just scared, that's all. I can't rush into something that terrifies me, and going from married to not married terrifies me.

I can't be the only person to have dealt with these feelings, can I?