I knew there would one day be a time where I would have to think about this: What would I say in my last posting to the FWW community? I have pondered this question often enough, to no avail. So true to the form of life itself, I am going to have to wing it.

I will say this: During the 14 months I have spent as an active voice among the community, I have spent a lot of time thinking about the conundrums of life. Sometimes, I feel as if I have spent too much time thinking — obsessing, if you will — about the snafus of life, instead of actually doing anything to change its course.

To this end, I must say that I am happy to be moving on, as this will give me an opportunity to take a more active role in my life — to be the captain of this vessel, as opposed to a mere crew member.

This is perhaps one of the most monumental points of my life, and I will allow nothing to get in the way of my future success: lingering unemployment, lack of my own private space, etc. None of these things will stand in the way of my future achievements, for they are not worthy.

And I advise you to do the same. Do not let anything stand in the way of being the stellar individuals you are capable of being. And should you find yourself falling short of your projected selves, take the time to look inward and find out what it is that is not allowing you to move forward. Once you've identified it, cut it loose and move on.

I promise, you will be better in the end.

And so I leave you now, with these words and my best wishes, as I go in search of my phenomenal self.

My best to you all,

Akillah

I almost got bombed by bird poo early this afternoon. In some cultures, this is considered to be good luck. I can only hope this proves to be true. It seems nowadays, it's going to take a bit of luck to get things to pan out, as hard work, perseverance, merit, and networking don't seem to be flushing anything out.

Talk about turning a negative into a positive.

As comical and bizarre as it is, I can't help but wonder why it is that people are able to take bird excrement in your hair and turn it into something positive, but things that are less disgusting — like a break up, or job loss et al. are seemingly insurmountable and always perceived as negative.

The answer seems quite simple: Bird poo washes out. I'll take it one step deeper — it's a quick fix and can never be misconstrued as a personal assault like the other things in life.

The things in life that leave us in a vulnerable emotional state are the things we work the hardest to protect ourselves from. Conversely, when something or someone actually penetrates the barricades we've set up, usually because we've allowed them to have access, it's always more difficult to recover. 

And when we do start to rebuild, the fortress is constricted with thicker walls. This is not a healthy way to go about life, I'm sure, but it is the human condition.

So what does that mean for the state of humanity?

What do you do when your best isn't good enough?

I have asked everyone in my Rolodex of life whom I suspected might be capable of giving me an insightful answer. They all replied, "You keep going."

No shit, Sherlock — but how?

No one seems to be able to tell me how I'm supposed to go about this. In theory, I understand this rationale completely, but in practice, this proves to be much more difficult.

Of course, the cynic in me also has to wonder whether these people would be able to persevere themselves, should they happen to lose their entire foundation while having to complete a 180-degree life change.

They're all in very comfortable niches in one form or another. Many of them have admitted to never facing a set of circumstances as dire as mine. It's not every day that one's entire life changes virtually overnight.

I never thought that this would happen for me, but I am beginning to lose faith. Unfortunately for me, that's about all I have left.

I've hit several bumps along the way to reinventing myself. It's hard to keep in mind that this is quite necessary and unavoidable when you're in the thick of things.

Being a control freak, I've tried to get around these issues. It's easy to get caught in the maelstrom caused by bucking convention and listening to your heart or going with that gut feeling, especially when doing so does not give you the results you wanted or expected.

I am in the process of trying to recover from a hat trick of seemingly debilitating setbacks: personally, professionally, and physically.

I am not ashamed to tell you that there were quite a few times where I handled each of these incidents with self-pity, tears, or alcohol. Or all of these things.

Always the multitasker.

I guess the point I am trying to make — to myself, if no one else — is that these things happen often and usually simultaneously. It may seem easy to roll over and take it. But I'll have to be prepared to live with that decision — for the rest of my life.

For someone who allegedly doesn't like to gamble, I sure seem to be doing a lot of that these days.

And it seems that I only engage in high-stakes ventures. I have always loved a challenge. Unfortunately, this time around, I am on a serious losing streak.

For the past three months, I've been hedging my bets in the professional world, to no avail. Recently, I've been wagering my personal life, too, with the same dreaded results. Just when I think I have a winning hand and that the cards are in my favor, the house rules.

I've been wondering why I even bother to take risks at all. In the midst of such a volatile market, wouldn't it be far easier to just take the safe road, at least until things stabilize a bit?

The problem with that rationale: the safe road is boring. Taking risks involves stepping out of one's comfort zone — something many people are afraid to do. This fear keeps many people from going for what they ultimately want, jeopardizing their happiness in the process.

I have never been one of those people, and I can't justify becoming one of them now, just because life has taken a rather rocky turn.

As Morrissey of the Smiths sang, "Please, please, please, let me get what I want...this time."

Though the lyrics to the song of the same title are a bit dramatic, they're fitting, given the current state of my life.

It has been a rather long time since I have had anything that even moderately resembled smooth sailing. I am trying my damndest to not let everything get to me, but there's only so many times that a person can get kicked in the teeth before they stop smiling.

Anyone who has had an unyielding string of bad luck knows exactly what I mean. Even the brightest glimmer of hope and happiness seem to be overshadowed by impossibility and hardship these days. I don't mean to be a Negative Nancy — especially since this goes against every fiber of my being. But I am tired. Fucking tired.

All I want to know is, When does the time come to harvest the fruits of my labor and relish in its bounty? There is a point in time when this is possible, right? If there isn't, then what's it all about?

I need a vacation, but can't afford one. I need a break from reality, but those don't exist. I need a dose of happiness that lasts for more than a few hours and isn't overshadowed by the impending doom that seems to be riding shotgun to that very happiness.

I need a serious reprieve from all that is my life right now.

The week may have started well, but it sure didn't end that way.

Life is full of ups and downs. Once again, I am finding myself in the latter half of that equation. Seems that I am still supposed to struggle for a bit longer. I can't help but think: What lesson have I not learned yet? I mean, really?

Humility? Check.

Perseverance? Check.

Appreciation? Check.

The value of hard work? Check.

Rejection? Check, check CHECK!

Over the course of the last week, I was thrown so many curve balls that it's no wonder that I am dreading the start of another week. By Friday, I had all but thrown in the towel, and had to call for reinforcements. They did all they could for me, but my battle scars are taking a bit longer to heal these days.

I have been told — numerous times — that I am an intelligent, capable woman, and that I will do a great many things. Most of the time, I believe this. I guess inherently, I always believe this. But at this time of extreme irrational thought, I find myself quickly losing sight of this, while simultaneously spiraling deeper and deeper into a state of cataclysmic despair.

Not all of my days are spent like this. Unfortunately for me, the days that I do feel this way are becoming all the more frequent.

I'm tired of coping, of just barely holding on. I don't know how to do it, or where it's going to come from, but I need to figure out how to change things — FAST!

I can't help being angry. I know that good things can't happen to good people all the time — or even most of the time. But while things might seem to be on the up and up for me, a few within my inner circle have not been as fortunate.

Some of my closest confidants have been plagued with family illnesses, financial woes, and employment issues, putting them all in less-than-desirable situations — and states of mind.

I wish there was some way that I could help them all, but I can't.

It's just another reminder that life can be unfair, difficult, and just an old-fashioned pain in the ass.

I suppose this is the point where someone is supposed to remind me of the need for balance in the world: the yin and the yang and all that stuff.

Maybe, but that doesn't make it any easier to take.

I can only imagine what my friends must be going through right now.

I know the best and only thing for me to do is to be a good friend.

I also know that I cannot allow my friendsí troubles to distract me from getting things done.

If only it were that easy to compartmentalize these feelings long enough to get through the course of a day.

I am about a month into my new life — and I am slowly losing my mind.

Actually, it’s not that slow.

Since leaving school, I have traveled back to the West Coast to present some research, moved — to the suburbs, no less -- and have not managed to find a job. I cannot tell you how badly my nerves are frayed. If not for the fact that I am afraid of lightning storms, I would probably be able to run about 100 miles fueled by nervous energy.

I know life changes are not supposed to be easy. I have been through enough of them to know this is the case. But that doesn’t keep my insecurities from welling up and overriding my rational mind.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that so much is out of my control. Nothing chafes me as much as being without a job. Living in a country where people are defined by what they do, (I’m an investment banker, I’m a teacher, I’m a dog trainer), doing nothing leaves them feeling like they have nothing, like they are nothing.

I hate labels, always have, but that doesn’t fill the cavernous hole in my soul that not having a job has created.

Um, survey says: no. 

For 13 years, I have been obsessed with the fact that I never completed my undergraduate degree. I always felt as if my life was somewhat incomplete because of this — as if I was half a person, and this, I think, shaped the way I allowed others to treat me, as well as how I treated myself. 

Now I am one exam away from completion, with the rest of my life now staring back at me. Problem is, now I have to redefine my entire existence. 

Same story, different chapter. 

I know that many of us have felt this way at one point in time or another; marriage, divorce, school, etc. All these things change how we view life and view ourselves. Oftentimes, with the same effort as flipping a coin or walking through a door, we go from one extreme to another, and are left to struggle with how to deal with our new situation. 

I have seen this side of the coin quite a few times, for different reasons (dropping out of school, entering and leaving the military, marriage, divorce, going back to school, etc.). I will just have to try to remember the tricks of the trade that allowed me to get through these trying times without getting weighted down or losing site of the bigger picture. 

Or better yet: without losing my mind.