I got a letter in the mail last Friday from an unknown sender. There was one of those official-looking stamps peeking through the window in the envelope, and those tend to strike fear into my heart. (I have been known to take my student loan payments a little less seriously than I should.)

Anyway, after looking around for the nearest stiff drink and realizing that since I'm pregnant I could be tripping over Maker's Mark and it wouldn't do me a damn bit of good, I opened the letter. It was from the city. About my divorce.

Did I not mention I'd filed for divorce? Well, apparently I did.

A long time ago — like, years ago — I went to see a paralegal and paid her half her fee. Then I, uh, forgot. Apparently she actually started proceedings. Unlike me, the city did not forget.

They were writing to tell me that if I didn't complete proceedings within 60 days, they would assume my husband and I had reconciled and would cancel the filing.

Many people have a divorce filed behind their back and are surprised when they receive papers in the mail. But what kind of person is surprised by their own papers? How disorganized do you have to be to forget you filed for divorce?

I will probably get off my ass and pay this woman her $400 and soon enough I will be divorced. Then maybe I'll actually marry my partner of four years, the father of most of my children. Maybe not. Tough to say.

In the meantime, I will sit back and rub the official stamp between my fingers, amazed at my own ineptitude.

I was sitting in the doctor's office yesterday and was privy to the conversation of two women sitting next to me. Okay, I was eavesdropping and eventually I became part of the conversation.

It began like this...

"Well, I just spent half the morning in court with the bastard."

"Why?"

"He is trying to gain full custody."

"Really? On what basis?"

"He doesn't have a basis. He just wants her SSI money."

I think at this point I snorted, which caused both women to look at me.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I couldn't help but overhear your conversation."

A large percentage of our community lives off government funds, whether it is family assistance, food stamps, WIC, Social Security or SSI. We also have a high teen pregnancy rate and the "in" thing to do seems to be have as many kids as possible because the more kids you have the more assistance you can get.

The second woman in the conversation is raising a child belonging to her son's girlfriend. Apparently the girlfriend lost custody of the child because of abuse. A second child resides with her and a newborn resides with her mother. Crazy, broken family!!

The first woman and I recognized each other but could not connect where we knew each other from. Her daughter has Downs Syndrome. She was never married to the child's father. The father, now married, is trying to for full custody of this 6-month old child after having no contact with the child thus far. The reason? He wants her money. His father lived with him and recently passed away. There was money connected to that man and now it is gone. It needs to be replaced, and so he is going after the child.

Let's hope the judge can see the truth of this custody challenge for what it is — greed — and make the correct decision in the best interest of the child.

Well, The Dick was here for almost an entire week visiting the kids, and I have to say I was more than ready for him to leave. It wasn't a bad visit, but just being in his presence is very awkward. On the last night he was here, I brought up the subject of "us."

I knew my intentions going in to the conversation but I wasn't letting on. I just simply wanted to hear his. He was quite clear that he wanted a divorce and had no plans on seeking counseling or anything else as he had said in November. He did say that he should start visiting the kids more.

So we discussed divorce and he said he didn't have the money to file at this time and he really didn't want me to do so either. Basically, he doesn't have the money to put up a fight. To that I say, "Too bad."

If he were sending support I might think differently, but he hasn't sent home one penny since leaving. At least a court order would demand support and hold him accountable for it. Jayne turns eighteen shortly so he will not have to pay it for long, but he also won't get off scott free either.

And with the divorce comes some finality to our marriage. I always held true to our vows and when we got married, I had every intention that I would stay married to this man for the rest of my life. I was a child of divorce and never wanted my children to go through many of the same things I went through.

I tried my hardest. Unfortunately, my hardest wasn't good enough.

Since finally deciding to get divorced, I started the process immediately. When it comes to my personal life, I’m not exactly known for my follow-through. But I saw a paralegal on Wednesday.

I don’t know what the rules are in other countries, but in Canada it’s pretty easy to get divorced when both parties are willing. It’s probably going to cost me $800, which makes me feel pretty dumb for waiting so long. Basically, I handed the woman a check for half the cost and I’m on my way to getting divorced.

The weirdest part about the whole thing was getting ready to serve papers. I’ve always thought that when you have papers served on you, it’s a very bad thing. It was really strange calling my ex and letting him know that I was about to do that to him.

I thought the conversation was going to be awkward but in the end, he just asked if he needed to do anything. We figured out that it would be easier for him to come over to my house and confirm that he received the papers than to make sure he was home for when the person came. (Who is that person, by the way? A paper server? A courier?)

All in all, it was pretty anticlimactic. I thought I would feel something — anything. If I felt anything at all, it was feeling like an ass for waiting so long.

So I’m finally going to get divorced. I’ve decided. It’s for real this time. And what led me to this decision, you ask?

I need a passport. My career has finally started to take off, and I’ve been invited to a few conferences in the U.S. I live in Canada, and the rules are changing about the identification you need to cross the border. I used to be able to get away with just my birth certificate, but now they want a passport.

The trouble is, I’ve already changed my name to my new husband’s. My health card, my bank card, my credit cards all use my new name. If I get a passport, they’ll have to use my old name, which belongs to my soon-to-be ex-husband.

This is obviously not acceptable, so I’m getting divorced.

Like I said in last week’s post, my future mother-in-law is starting to get nervous. She’s looking to see her first-born son get married, and I can hardly blame her. All this living in sin and making bastard babies must be stressful on her.

There might be more stupid reasons to get divorced, but if there are, I haven’t heard of them.

It's one of those decisions that once you make it, you better be damn sure you mean it. We've talked about this, but not since shortly after he left. I felt it would be best to bring up the subject again before a processor comes to serve him with papers.

I'd two perfect excuses to call. The first was to check on his grandfather who's in the hospital. I've always liked Clifford — he always treated me very well, as did his grandmother who passed away last year. The second was to tell him one of our close friend's mother passed away this week. I'm sure The Dick hasn't talked with this friend since he left town, so a call would be most appreciated.

After I'd taken care of these two tasks, I began with the real purpose of the call.

"So what are your thoughts on our current situation?" I'm surprised at how casually I transitioned into the line.

"What do you mean? I guess I haven't really thought about it." He stumbled over the words like I had slapped him upside the head.

"I ask because I'm ready to file for divorce and I just didn't want that to come as a surprise."

"You're what? You mean...I didn't think...um...when did...oh, wow..." His voice trailed off.

"We talked about this. I don't ever expect you to come home and you're the one who said that you wanted to start a new life. I'm mostly done with the cancer stuff, so I'm ready to do what comes next on my list. Taking care of this is next. I'm ready to move on with my life."

The words came out so easily, as if I prepared the speech.

In a study by the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) in 2004 of people aged 40-79, it was found that 66 percent of the women instigated divorce actions. Some said they could no longer endure drug or alcohol addiction. Others divorced because of physical and emotional abuse or for infidelity.

Researchers claim retirement is a strain on marriage, just as the empty nest may start the process of thinking about divorce. In Japan, women called retired husbands a nuisance. Some women can't stand their spouse home all day. In the U.K., gray divorce is becoming an epidemic. In Italy, married couples 55 and over seeking legal separation rose by three and a half percent, and those filing for divorce grew by three percent from 2000-2004.

U.S. census figures reveal divorce rates for those over 65 have doubled since 1980. Divorces in this age bracket grew to eight percent of all divorces in 2004. Older couples experiencing problems are less likely to seek professional counseling because they often consider it a stigma. Women from traditional backgrounds are rebelling late in marriages which subsume or suppress their individuality. They are often disappointed that an equal union, which is expected to provide personal fulfillment, has not been a reality.

It appears that older people are learning from younger generations that it's better to be happy and alone than miserable and married. While they are looking forward to a longer and healthier life, they may be seeking new partners or entering into new marriages. But if they do not find a new partner, who will they rely on if they become ill or incapacitated?

In Canada, except for in the most extenuating circumstances, child support amounts are determined by pre-existing tables based on the number of children and the income of the non-custodial parent. No consideration is given to the income of the custodial parent, which always made me uncomfortable.

I made a lot more than my husband did, and I felt weird taking his money. That didn't mean I wasn't going to get all up in arms when his $117 came on a Thursday instead of a Wednesday.

I know in many other countries, child support amounts are determined by the mood of the judge on the day the decision was made. Maybe we feel cheated. Maybe we feel entitled. Quite possibly, we feel powerless. Probably, we don't like being reminded that in some way, we are dependent on this man until our children turn eighteen.

Child support is such an ugly business. It turns the raising of a child into a mercenary matter and not a family one. It's necessary but it's tragic, and for now, it's the only system we have.

How are child support payments determined where you live? Do you think it's an equitable system, or do you think it's weighted in the favor of one party over another? Tell me what you think.

I just couldn't take the abuse any longer. I had been reading about verbal and emotional abuse, and I realized that the scars are often worse than physical bruises.

I knew that I had to get out of this horrible relationship and reclaim value that I knew I still had, deep down.

I still had some hope for my relationship at one point, but my husband kept calling me, crossing the only boundary I had asked for: some space and time alone. He showed me that he didn't care about my feelings or my boundaries. He was willing to cross them at all costs.

He hacked into my email and private accounts to read my correspondence with other people, showed up at appointments that I had scheduled, harassed me at work, and even came to the house uninvited, which was scary.

Luckily, he stayed in the car. On the phone I made it very clear that he needed to leave.

The following week, I filed for a restraining order, limiting contact and forcing distance of 500 feet. I realize that a piece of paper isn't going to dictate anyone's actions, but the repercussions of not abiding by it is a big fine and imprisonment. I think the terms are pretty stable, and there is a boundary that I am no longer in charge of setting.

I have my house under lock and key, with a monitored security system, and police department numbers stored in my cell phone. I'm on guard. I pray for the safety of my children and myself on a daily basis. I pray that we all remain safe through this divorce and will eventually find some peace in the turmoil.