Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Thu, 10/22/2009 - 9:04am
There is nothing predictable about being in the middle of your life. I've learned that much, if I've learned anything. (Well, except for flabby upper arms. That, apparently, is pretty standard. And chin hairs made of graphite. Don't forget those.) So when one day your college boyfriend shows up, out of the blue, and says he's never really gotten over you — well, there is no rule book on how to handle that one.
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Fri, 10/16/2009 - 8:02am
It was bound to happen. The space-time continuum would suggest that it was inevitable. Like the full moon, the rising tide, like me being late for carpool over and over again, it was written in the stars. The men in my life were going to meet one another and when they did — it wasn't going to be pretty.
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Sat, 10/10/2009 - 12:12am
I have to admit, my boobs have always been a big part of my life. Literally. They showed up late — I was fifteen (kind of apropos for me) but once they appeared they almost instantly had a personality all their own. You know how it is. (Well, if you've ever had double D's you do.) The boys gawk at you. The men whistle. Your friends say they're jealous but are secretly relieved they can go breezy and braless.
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Fri, 10/02/2009 - 12:48pm
Here's a question — if you were given the chance to marry the same person that you had married ten, fifteen, twenty-five years ago, would you? Would you be willing to re-live all that shit to end up where you are now? You would imagine that the obvious answer for someone like me would be "No." You would think that after prostitutes and porn (and pot and plagiarism — that's another story) that the answer would be clear.
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Sat, 09/26/2009 - 12:00am
Not too long ago I turned on the television and on one of those talk shows that you know you shouldn’t watch because they put all these bad ideas into your head (“I’m too fat,” “I’m too thin,” “I should have a better career,” “I shouldn’t have anything”). I saw a segment called “How To Dress Your Age.”
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Fri, 09/18/2009 - 2:42pm
I was going to call the Concubine. I meant to do it right away, before I chickened out, or lost focus, or got strep throat courtesy of Roo's germy school classmates. I was going to call her before I remembered that she had once been my really good friend who I swapped shoes with (pre the Saks Laboutin incident), before I remembered that one night, when I was out of town promoting my comic creation Willa the Tail Girl, she had shed her Agent Provocateur cami in front of my fetish happy husband.
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Sun, 09/13/2009 - 6:22am
I will admit, I am currently obsessed with my "menopot," which is a word I heard recently that describes, sadly, that little pot belly that most of us suddenly have. You know how one day you wake up and your skin is flapping over the top of your jeans and even though you weigh exactly the same as when you bought them, your clothes don't fit right anymore?
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Wed, 09/09/2009 - 2:22pm
Having sex is like exercising a muscle. (Discussion re: what it takes to still have muscles at the age of forty-five—irrelevant.) If you don't exercise, your muscles disappear. If you don't have sex, well, apparently your vagina shrivels like a prune.
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Sat, 09/05/2009 - 7:22am
I want to make it perfectly clear that I don't do things just because Imay or may not be lusting after some dude, who happens to have akick-ass tattoo of his own. (At least, not usually. There was the"buying fifty heads of lettuce incident" which just possibly might havehad something to do with that adorable Whole Foods produce boy...)
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Posted to Hot Flashes
by Mimi Schmir on Fri, 08/28/2009 - 8:22am
A smart, queeny friend of mine once looked at me in the middle of one of my rants about Jeffrey and said, "Honey, country music is three chords and the truth." Although I hated to admit it, I could see how it applied to my life at the time.
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