Episode 26: In Memoriam

Episode 26: In Memoriam

Mimi Schmir, one of the writers from "Grey's Anatomy"

Posted to by Mimi Schmir on Sat, 11/14/2009 - 8:24am

Well, as we all know, Memorial Day was just upon us. Memorial Day signifies many things to many people. It is the near end of another school year. It is the unofficial start of summer. It is the signal that tennis camp and endless barbecues (how much sausage can one woman eat?) and god help us bikini season is right around the corner. (A few months ago I actually had the audacity to purchase a bikini, in a racy leopard print, thinking that in honor of dumping Jeffrey I would also dump the ten pounds that he left behind on my hips and ass. What a surprise, that didn't happen.) Memorial Day is also obviously the holiday where we are meant to remember the people who have fought and died for our country, and while I won't go into a long diatribe about that, I can say that I, who am not sure I would know how to die for any cause, truly appreciate what they have done. That said, and with no disrespect, I would like to take this opportunity to do a shout out to some of the things in my life that despite my best intentions I may have lost, or am losing, or may never lose, but that I still want to remember.

So, here again, in no particular order (order clearly not being my strong point):

1. I want to remember my name. (I'm not kidding. Seriously, I'm starting to forget things.)

2. I want to remember my marriage before it got fucked up. (Hmm...not really.)

3. I want to remember how I texted Jeffrey after the Mother's Day brunch from hell and tore him a new one for sticking me with the three hundred and forty three dollar bill.

4. I want to remember how I then realized I still have our joint savings account number so just for fun I called the bank and drained it.

5. I want to remember that I was not a loser for picking Jeffrey in the first place, and that picking losers doesn't make you one.

6. I want to remember that I am a winner because I have both the HBPD and Raoul and as of yet haven't slept with either (stay tuned on that one.)

7. I want to remember the birth of my children (without the part where Jeffrey is staring into my vagina.)

8. I want to remember my period. I know it sounds weird, but I want to remember what it was like to be young and totally afraid that the white Levis I was wearing could get me in to trouble.

9. I want to remember youthful innocence.

10. I want to remember that youthful innocence was never that great to begin with (and also came with acne.)

11. I want to remember how to kiss with tongue. (It's a skill, believe me.)

12. I want to remember my virginity. (Not that I seriously miss it.)

13. I want to remember sex. (In case I never have it again.)

14. I want to remember I never actually liked having sex with Jeffrey and that he was a really sloppy kisser.

15. I want to remember that Jeffrey called me he saying he was having a heart attack after the bank contacted him about my withdrawal, but that true to neurotic form, he was only having indigestion.

16. I want to remember that ten pounds is not a big ass problem. (And that by the way, there are way worse problems than having a big ass.)

17. I want to remember that I recently noticed that despite all those egg white omelets, Jeffrey is getting fat.

18. I want to remember my teens, my twenties and my thirties.

19. I want to remember that forty, minus the cellulite and memory loss, is way fucking better.

20. I want to remember to feel the same damn thing when I'm fifty.

21. I want to remember life before reading glasses and the teeny-tiny dinner table flashlight.

22. I want to remember my face before the crow's feet and wrinkles. (That's a tough one.)

23. I want to remember not to spend hundreds of dollars on La Mer beauty products, because no face cream can solve the problem. (*Note: If I am wrong about this, please let me know asap, so I can remember to run out and buy some.)

24. I want to remember the first boy who held my hand and later dumped my ass in front of all my friends. (Not literally.)

25. I want to remember how years later, his wife ran off with really hot plumber who also happened to have a vagina.

26. I want to remember there is Karma.

27. I want to remember being a size four.

28. I want to remember that being a size four required me deleting my most favorite food group, sugar, from the menu, which was clearly never an option.

29. I want to remember my favorite bakery, on Bleeker Street in Greenwich Village, now a techie infested Mac store.

30. I want to remember that for some reason techies and nerds have always really liked me. (Perhaps it's my coke-bottle glasses.)

31. I want to remember that Jeffrey always yelled at me for eating too much sugar, but now he goes to sex addicts anonymous which he's still afraid to tell his mother.

32. I want to remember my boobs before stretch marks (and that they were never that great to begin with.)

33. I want to remember that I just lied about my boobs, to make myself feel better, and that they truly were spectacular.

34. I want to remember my waist.

35. I want to remember to wear belts like Oprah recommended.

36. I want to remember that as Jeffrey hightailed it out of the aforementioned Mother's Day brunch, he caught his pants cuff on a chair leg and basically fell on top of some other family's table. (I want to remember that the look on his face was all, "Esme, this is your fucking fault," and I couldn't keep myself from laughing.)

37. I want to remember not to think too much about my body, or anybody else's. (An especially hard one.)

38. Speaking of hard ones, I want to remember...well, never mind.

39. I want to remember to include handymen named Raoul in the previous equation. (I once saw him naked.)

40. I want to remember that the HBPD is a potential summer fling and to not let myself get all freaked out by wearing a bathing suit in front of him. (Even, God help me, a leopard print bikini.)

41. I want to remember I still have rocking legs (and to get laser vein removal immediately.)

42. I want to remember that just because I am over forty doesn't mean I can't go with the flow.

43. I want to remember to dye my hair red. (Just kidding.)

44. I want to remember that if I do dye my hair red , to dye ALL my hair, if you get the picture.

45. I want to remember to get another tattoo.

46. I want to remember that tattoos or not, I am a strong person, no matter who tries to take advantage of me.

47. I want to remember to screw it to Jeffrey whenever the opportunity arises. (And anyone else, if I have to.)

48. I want to remember why I left Jeffrey in the first place, and that truth be told, it had little to do with prostitutes.

49. But I want to forget his tiny penis.

50. I want to remember being sixteen years old on Cape Hatteras, lying out with a bottle of baby oil on the beach at noon and getting the best sun tan of my life.

51. I want to remember the sun poisoning that followed.

52. I want to remember to keep it all in perspective, and that like a great sun tan, anything that seems too good to be true, usually is.

53. I want to remember how to western line dance (but I want to forget Billy Ray Cyrus and his achey-breaky heart.)

54. I want to remember that just last night, Jeffrey called and whispered into the phone, "I'm drunk, Lucy can't hear me, but I love you and I want you back, please Essie, believe me."

55. I want to remember that love is a hell of a lot more than just a word (anyone who has really been there will understand.)

56. I want to remember I'm a tough, old broad (in a twenty-first century way.)

57. I want to remember how I hung up the phone on the fuckhead, and then called Annabelle, who didn't take my call.

58. I want to remember the true value of best friends, and to apologize to Annabelle tomorrow. Then, if the apology isn't enough, I will buy her something cute for the summer at Calypso. If that still doesn't do it, I will try chocolate. Very expensive chocolate. Because chocolate solves everything.

59. I want to remember Athena, Queen Elizabeth, Joan of Arc, Rhoda Morgenstern, Barbara Walters and all the hard-ass women of history who came before.

60. And finally, I want to remember my girl Mary Tyler Moore, who in the final episode of her eponymous show said, "Last night I asked myself, what is family, anyway? They're just people that make you feel less alone and really loved." For Annabelle, my children, hell — even for Jeffrey for making me realize what family isn't — for everyone who's taught me a thing or two, I want to remember that.

Is there anything you're in danger of losing that you don't want to forget? In honor of Memorial Day and all, it might be worth making a list of your own.

Remembering-ly yours,

Esme
 

Comments

Thank you so much for making

Thank you so much for making me laugh. I have felt so alone during the death of my marriage and am grateful for this site and you for making a depressed woman laugh.

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