Sometimes I feel like I have split personalities.

There's a part of me that wants to be single forever and stay in Manhattan and just do my thing. Who wants a man in their life so they can f#@& you over and destroy what you've accomplished?

But then there's a part of me who longs for the married life I once enjoyed. Sometimes I miss the companionship and going to bed each night next to someone I love. I sometimes even imagine leaving Manhattan and moving out West to be near my family, enjoy the slower paced life and perhaps meet someone who is "real" and start a family.

I see my sister and her new husband happily beginning their life together. I see my cousin and her husband and their new little boy enjoying family life. There's a part of me that is so jealous and wants that too.

Then, as soon as those thoughts enter my mind, my other half jumps in and tells me to forget about it. I'm better off staying single. It's safer. Thanks to my divorce, I no longer have the nice home I loved and, more importantly, my credit is now shit so why would I want to subject myself to that again? There is no such thing as someone who is "real", even out West. Especially in today's materialistic and appearance-obsessed society, men are men and they aren't interested in being faithful.

And that's how my mind works. I go back and forth and back and forth. It's like I have two different people living within my body. Does anyone else feel this way?