He's Different, But I Feel the Same

Is it too little, too late?

Posted to House Bloggers by Megan Thomas on Tue, 04/29/2008 - 2:55pm

If you would have taken a glimpse into my relationship with my husband a year ago and then had a look at it recently, you would probably notice something right away. A year ago my husband was a different guy. He didn't seem to care less if I was fighting a high fever, or if I had a deadline, or if the kids gave me a really trying day.

It didn't matter. He still wasn't going to lift a finger to help because keeping the house going was my job. Keeping the kids happy was my job. It just didn't seem to matter if I was wandering around in an exhausted stupor, because he was happy and had his video games to occupy him.

Cut to present day. Something about me trying to leave shook him up enough to where he does the things I always thought he should do be doing anyhow: he takes the kids when I have a lot of stuff to do, he'll make dinner once in a while if I'm running late getting home, and he'll encourage me to take a short nap if I'm not feeling well.

Those may sound like normal things a husband would do, but for me it's a 180 degree change from how things once were.

So what's the problem? Now that he's doing all the things I once wished he would do, why can't I just be happy? This is a question I have been struggling with for a while now. I think it all boils down to this: Why did it have to take me trying to leave for him to finally notice that something had to change?

For a couple of years I was obviously stressed out, exhausted and generally unhappy with the way things were. I told him things needed to change. I asked him to go to counseling with me. I begged him to cut back on his video game time. Really, if my bursting into tears at the drop of a hat wasn't a pretty good sign that things weren't working, what was?

Now that he's giving everything an effort, I find that the effort alone isn't changing my mind. It's as if I know what he's actually capable of, and now that I've seen that I don't know if I want to stick around and see if things ever get so bad again.

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What Others Have Shared ()

Different, I feel the same.

let him go. both of you deserve better. don't blame him or continue to expect him to change. be honest with yourself and move on. he sounds like a nice guy and will probably make someone happy that appreciates him.

Guest - 4/30/2008

weird comment

"he sounds like a nice guy and will probably make someone happy that appreciates him". I don't quite understand this statement in the context of this blog. The problem is that he doesn't sound like a particularly nice guy, and will have trouble making someone happy. For that matter, why does it matter if he'll make someone else happy? And what is this about someone else "appreciating" him? I think Megan has tried to appreciate him, but found it hard with his endless video game addiction. Anyway, in the end, your reservations and hesitance seems completely natural to me, Megan. Yes--what is to say that he won't go back to his old ways once the threat of you leaving him is gone? It is sad when someone suddenly shows a new, thoughtful side, and it comes too late. Because you feel like maybe there is hope...or was hope... But, ultimately, it's rarely enough to make up for all the things that are wrong.

Guest - 4/30/2008

one moment people....

let he who is without sin cast the first stone. this man seems to be trying to fix his shortcomings. isn't that what we hope for in our spouses? Growing up, we learned from our mistakes and it seems like this man has learned. better yet, it seems like he is saying "sorry" in the best possible way; not with words- but with action. Maybe he viewed his responsibilities in the marriage (ie, paying the bills, or mowing the lawn, or going to work each day) and him holding up his share of duties (and i admit, i a mjust guessing for i don't know your situation). Seems to me he realizes he has a wonderful wife and he's trying to keep her. what is wrong with that? If you want to punish him for his years of neglect (which he may have been oblivious too- after all he's a man) by divorcing him then go ahead. but remember that step is final and untilmatly everone in the family pays the price. And if you are noticing his improved behavior- so have the kids and your divorce of him will paint you poorly in the kids eyes because they will say to themselves... "daddy works, comes home and helps mom and interacts with us... why is she leaving him" they don't understand past shortcomings .. they have short term memories...ask yourself one question; DO I LOVE HIM ENOUGH (LIKE THE DAY I SAID "I DO") TO ACCEPT HIS FRESH START AS AN APOLOGY AND DO I STILL CONSIDER HIM MY BEST FRIEND? If the answer is yes, stop listening to these bloggers and stay with him. If you fell out of love, due to his unattentiveness and no longer respect him as your partner- then leave him. Yes, you would be doing him a favor. (even if others here feel he doesn't deserve it) because even if he's a bad guy to you, he seems to have learned his lesson and he deserves a shot a true love again for another. life is about second chances ladies.. And no marriage goes down hill due to one person's actions. it takes 2 to ruin a marriage. One may be worse than the other, but it takes 2.. do u want it to be your turn to ruin the marriage or do u want to take his "apology" and see where it takes you? One year of reformed behavior indicates to me that he may have truly learned his lesson... let he who is without sin cast the first stone..

Guest - 4/30/2008

I AGREE!

With the last writer. Are we, as women, so bitter as to forget we are all human? There are always two sides to every story. Maybe he just doesn't have the luxury of staying home to blog about it all day in between writer cramps? Megan, maybe you are experiencing a mid-life crises. We all second guess our decisions at some point in our lives. In all marriages their is a high level of complacency. we take each other for granted. its natural to do. Plus, is money tight in your home.? that can add stress and does to most marriages. maybe he is not very successful and deep down you feel you could have "done better" or maybe you think you are worthy of more nice things.. .it a natural feeling.. Megan, if you love him, things will work out. Give more and you'll get more. appreciate more and he'll do more.. seems as though he realizes these things .. even though it took him 10 years. Don't blog for the sake of writing. we are all impressed with your writing style.. work on your marriage. he seems to be making an effort.. the kids deserve your best effort- both from him (which you admit he is doing) AND from you. We are all familiar with your bio and i fear you may have a touch of bi-polar disorder. to be "bursting into tears (quote) at a drop of a hat show mental instability that trancends your relationship wtih him.. you may be feeling overwhelmed or depressed.. do not be ashamed, many suffer from those mental disorders.. seek help for yourself and maybe in the process you'll find a way to save your marriage. if that is what you want out of life.. trust me, it will be tough on you to be a single mother of 2 young kids, trying to go it alone, footing all the bills yourself - waiting for his support checks to come. trying to date or even meet new guys that are truly interested in doing more than (pardon my french) banging a hot middle aged mom for a while... guys are into the pursuit of that and you will feel uesed along the way... do what u want . being divorced is not that great either.

Guest - 4/30/2008

Okay, listen here.

I'm compelled to respond to a few things here. First of all, I'm not lounging around the house, blogging for fun in between watching soap operas andeating bon-bons. I'm a writer. This is what I do. Secondly, I don't write on this site as a means to distract myself from my marriage. I find that putting some of my concerns into print actually helps me to analyze them a little better, and the comments I get from some readers really prove valuable a lot of the time. Having said that, I don't like the picture painted of me that I'm a bored housewife in the midst of amid-life crisis. I'm a woman who has been trying like mad to save a marriage despite a slew of unfortunate events. I wrote this post to demonstrate my frustration that even though my husband is really trying to make things work, I can't seem to shake the feeling that it just isn't working. I didn't write this to complain about his efforts, and I certainly didn't write it as a result of some free time I had. When I contribute to this site, I do so as a means to figure things out, but I also do it because it is one of my many writing jobs. Yeesh. Now I'm justifying my time to a complete stranger. What a day.

Megan Thomas - 5/01/2008

just trying to be thougjh provoking... and

Trying to help. i am trying to help save your marriage for the kids sake.. but if u are that miserable then u should leave. i am in total support of any decision you make. i just ask that it be YOUR decision and not some collaborative "men hating club decision" that's all.. i wish you well. and if you are not crying at the drop of a hat don't embelish here on this site for some of us are really damaged and hurt.. not just for the sake of writing

Guest - 5/01/2008

men hating club???????

OK, dude, that proves it. You are a dude, not a woman as you proclaim in one of your previous posts. And in your last post you seem drunk at best and delusional at worst. You're trying to "save [Megan's' marriage for the kids [sic] sake"? You don't know Megan or her kids. Neither do I. Stop being creepy. Nobody's trying to save anybody here, just help each other, with any luck. And what's with "just for the sake of writing?" It's called a job, dude, and we're all entitled to one, even those of us with boobs, and most of us need one. Damaged and hurt? Clearly. Welcome to the club. It's not a man-hating club, so stop giving us bullets.

Guest - 5/01/2008

here we go again

the nasty comments above (one moment people and I AGREE) have quite a lot in common with some awful replies that were flying around a few months ago in response to some of julie savard's posts. i suspect that these two items were written all by the same person, a guy at that. it's just negative and nasty and really inappropriate here or anywhere. megan, i don't let it get under your skin. you're a very good writer and i give you a lot of credit for sharing as much about your life with us as you do. you've helped me a lot, personally, and i'm sure others feel the same way.

Guest - 5/01/2008

Diagnosing the bloggers?

Suggesting Megan has bi-polar disorder or is experiencing a mid-life crisis based on a few words in a blog is totally irresponsible. No trained professional would ever attempt such a diagnosis. Read her original post again, and you'll see how completely rational her thoughts are. She acknowledges that her husband has gone to great lengths to improve his behavior. It is normal (and a sign of maturity) that she is not swept away by his 180-degree turn (as we all know, people don't change as much as we'd like to think). She is analyzing the situation, playing it day by day, and using her blog to clarify her thoughts. And she does not once suggest that she is "without sin" herself. The armchair psychology isn't useful here, folks.

Guest - 5/01/2008

how can these excerpts from my text offend you ladies?!!!!

let me pull directly from my text...(copy and paste) Seems to me he realizes he has a wonderful wife and he's trying to keep her. what is wrong with that? OR HOW ABOUT THIS LINE? One year of reformed behavior indicates to me that he may have truly learned his lesson. AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS LINE LADIES, Growing up, we learned from our mistakes and it seems like this man has learned. better yet, it seems like he is saying "sorry" in the best possible way; not with words- but with action.. OR THIS LINE FROM THE OTHER WRITER; In all marriages their is a high level of complacency. we take each other for granted. its natural to do. AND YOU LADIES HAVE A PROBLEM WITH ANOTHER WOMEN WRITING THE FOLLOWING?...Megan, if you love him, things will work out. Give more and you'll get more. appreciate more and he'll do more.. seems as though he realizes these things .. even though it took him 10 years. WHY WOULD U HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THIS SOLID COMMENT? the kids deserve your best effort- both from him (which you admit he is doing) AND from you. IS THE NEXT SENTENCE WHY U GALS ARE SO MAD ?... Megan, if you love him, things will work out. Give more and you'll get more. appreciate more and he'll do more.. seems as though he realizes these things ..OR MAYBE THE YOU LADIES DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE TRUTH ON THIS BLOG... (read) being divorced is not that great either. (end quote) OR DOES THIS TRUISM RILE YOU GALS? trust me, it will be tough on you to be a single mother of 2 young kids, trying to go it alone, footing all the bills yourself - waiting for his support checks to come. AND IS THIS NOT GOOD ADVICE? (read) ask yourself one question; DO I LOVE HIM ENOUGH (LIKE THE DAY I SAID "I DO") TO ACCEPT HIS FRESH START AS AN APOLOGY AND DO I STILL CONSIDER HIM MY BEST FRIEND? If the answer is yes, stop listening to these bloggers and stay with him. If you fell out of love, due to his unattentiveness and no longer respect him as your partner- then leave him. IN SUMMARY... I guess if you get paid to be a host blogger here you need to keep up the appearance you marriage is on the rocks.. i bet you and you husband laugh over your blogs at night right before you snuggle up with some wine and a good show on tv.. i bet your relationship is fantastic... AND what a sham you are pulling on these poor ladies.. ALL FOR A PAY CHECK...PHONEY

Guest - 5/02/2008

Hmmmm.

This is the part where I'm supposed to freak out and quickly compose an angry reponse, yes? How dare you question my motives, who do you think you are, yadda, yadda, yadda. It's not happening. I'm going to pray for you that you find peace and resolve whatever anger compels you to hassle someone you don't even know. Good luck to you.

Megan Thomas - 5/02/2008

Response

Suggesting that the women on this site fabricate situations in order to be paid is one of the most insensitive, and asinine statements I've ever seen. Putting your pain and indecision and thought process out there for the public, with the hope that in doing so we'll both offer and find community, recognize that we're not the only ones going through these things. It's astonishingly comforting to write about something that bothers you and to hear that others feel the same way about the same things. Disagree if you must, offer the advice you think is sound (that's what the comments are for, after all) - but don't ever, ever question the reality. It's offensive beyond belief to look at someone's genuine heartache and tell them 'it's for the money.' Megan, I was never able to talk about the things you're going through when I was going through them. I was miserable, I was second and third and fourth guessing, and I was doing it by myself. Had I opened up to anyone I might have had an easier time of it. I admire you every day.

Alice Brooks - 5/04/2008

SPOKEN LIKE THE WELL PAID WRITER OF THIS SITE YOU ARE!

WELL SAID, PAID SUPPORTER

Guest - 5/06/2008

eyeroll

Regardless of what ridiculous assumptions you might have, I don't get a bonus for commenting. Nor does the fact that I get paid to write here make a difference. Why the fact that people post honestly is too much for you to grasp, I am not sure. But I have to wonder why on earth, if you have these issues, you are here, why you are reading, and why you are devoting this much time to the site. It's difficult not to think you have some personal vendetta. I can't fathom your hostility otherwise.

Alice Brooks - 5/08/2008

Different, I feel the same

Megan, I feel your pain. Everyday, I struggle with too little too late. Why did it take me threatening to leave to have many of the changes I wanted implemented. If I go back, what will be the next disappointment, etc. I am closer to leaving though, then not. I feel like a failure, and guilty, and question myself as to what I contributed in this. While my husband is trying, he is also angry at me for giving up. Was I giving up when I implored him for the past 5 years to implement change? Yes, he has done some things, but it wasn't enough, and it's not enough now, and although he is trying, my feelings have not. It's an awful place to be. I am TIRED of people telling me to try. Obviously, I snapped. I don't want him to help me with laundry one time. I want a detailed explanation of why he wasn't helping me in the first place, and what he will do to guarantee me I'll never have to ask again (or feel bad if I do have to ask again). My issue is greater than laundry, but the sentiment is the same. I completely understand.

Guest - 5/06/2008

Does he ask you to do his chores?

Do you change the oil on the car? do you cut and rake the lawn? do you shovel the driveway after it snows? Do you fix broken stuff in the house? Do you work 9-5 everyday? do you pay the bills or does he come home from work to write checks all night? Do you cook the familuy a meal each night or do you wait for him to come home to order out? do you go to bed with the bills on our mind? do you lose sleep over the job cuts at the job that have got some of his friends and worry like him that he is next? Do you take crap at work all day long from a boss and get yelled at as soon as you walk in the door at home? Do you coach the sports teams in town? MOST MEN DO THESE THING WITHOUT FANFARE.. Now, not all men pull their weight in a marriage- i'll give you that.. those are the guys you need to divorce... Then men i know pull more thatn their share of the load... it may not be laundry, but its still work.

Guest - 5/09/2008

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