I have been separated for several years now (but for some reason have not moved on). But one of the difficult things has been to get my friends to understand what my marriage was really like. They were all sympathetic and supportive when we separated. Only one tried to stay neutral and I have to confess I never spoken to her again and many of my other friends also froze her out. ( even her cousin) After thirty years of supporting my husband and building up it was very hard to make the transition to make people how much of a jerk he really is. It is still upsetting when they are lagging behind in understanding him but still hard for me to tell them how bad our relationship was. . There are a gazillion examples but one occurred when my mother died. Everyone said that I had to be ready to deal with the fact that my husband would be at the funeral. I said "why would he be there." thinking he goes to the funerals of the mothers of important people. Why would he come to my mother's funeral. If were still together he would come to make me happy but he had nothing to gain now. It just seemed absurd that he would come. They all pointed out how my mom had always been very fond of him and very generous to him and she was the grandmother of his three children. Not only did he not come but acted with disgusting callousness with respect to one of our sons who was still in secondary school, 17 I think. My son told me his suit was too small and he had nothing to wear to the wake. I said I would take him out to get something and he replied that no he would ask his dad to take him. He reassured me that his dad was handling this. ( He was not liviing with either of us to attend a school he had commenced before we separated.) When I picked him up he was crying as he had nothing to wear. When I askded what had happened with his dad buying him something and he said hes dad had brought him a suit of his but it was too small. What was shocking about his is my husband is a very small man and my son very large. When he was in a band in grade 6 and needed a navy jacket my husband thought he would lend him one of his but my sons shoulders were too wide. When he graduated from grade school, my husband said why didn't he wear one of his suits but they were much too small and I had to buy him one. when my mother died he tried on the one from his graduation and could not get it on. When my husband and he walked next together they are like different species. My son is five inches taller and his shoulders are five inches wider and his arms longer. He was taller then his father before he was 12. Now you might think that his dad was worried about spending money but he made over $500,000 that year and wears cashmere and had a dozen leather jackets in different colours and lenghts. He just didn't care. My son sat in a different room crying through the wake. People would come in and he would sob he had nothing to wear to his grandmothers funeral. they tried to reassure him that his grandmother would not care. I felt sick. I figured I looked like a jerk and so I would say, that Mack had said he would take him out to get something but had brought him something of us. They would say, I guess he doesn't realize how big he has gotten. Is he blind? So I stopped telling people. This son refused to come to the funeral. When I called my husband to tell him that he was an ass for doing this, his response was that it was my fault , he said our sons did not want to come to the funeral but I had "guilted them" into attending. How do you explain to people that this asshole was the person I lived with for thirty years. At the funeral several people came up and said where is Mack (husband). Finally my best friend who had never liked him said "He really isn't here is he? I was sure he would come" Flowers had come from Mack when anyone died but that was because I sent them. I noticed our other sons clothes were getting shabby in his last year of university and since my husband dresses very well I though he would take him. I called him and told him this. He said he would see what he could do. He went through his clothes and picked out the stuff he didn't like any more. Only one jacket and socks fitted as he too is bigger than my husband. I had to call him and explain that is not what I meant. I feel moving on means coming out with how bad our relationship was but when I start talking about it I sound like a bitter old lady who is exagerating. When I don't come clean I feel like I am still enabling his cold callous and selfish behaviour. Its hard to know what to do.