Summer has many associations. We look forward to sunlight, warm weather, BBQ’s and children being home…but not to someone else’s children being home, say your husband’s children with his former wife.

Instead of the children stopping by for a night or two once a week, these children arrive for two weeks, maybe a month.

All of a sudden the bleak, quiet days of winter seem compelling.

Dealing with your own children requires being thoughtful, calm, and present. Dealing with your stepchildren requires the same but with even more patience and reflection, so you can respond with integrity.

And then there are the frictions between your own children and their step-siblings in various outings and occasions.

I’d say it’s time for a cocktail and a few deep breaths — and possibly a series of mini-vacations, with one set of children at a time.

Even extremely evolved couples can fall prey to the blame game. Who made the mess in the kitchen? Left the front door open so the dog ran out? Broke my favorite bowl? Who?

It’s so easy to suspect your partner’s children from the previous marriage. Not only are your children perfect, but if you blame his children, that’s one less altercation with your own.

On the other hand, as a step-mother, you want to make sure that the step-siblings are having a good time.

The result this summer is that I am making everyone’s favorite dishes, driving them thither and yon, and attending to their needs at all times.

Trying to please children (who are always self-involved creatures) evokes Sisyphus pushing a boulder up a hill.

No sooner do you feel the glory of a job well done than there is another demand.

And chances are you are never thanked for anything you do.

Sometimes you just can’t win.

I recently put on a 21st birthday bash for my son, involving his large circle of friends. My 20-something stepdaughter, home from graduate school to spend time with Dad, said she was feeling ignored.

Moreover, my husband thought her complaint was valid.

I should point out that it was my husband who invited my son’s friends to our house, without telling me in advance And that that particular birthday is usually celebrated with booze, because it’s the legal drinking age in our state.

Not only did I have to provide food and (nonalcoholic) drink to this mob, but I had to monitor the kids who arrived already feeling no pain.

It all made me want to move to an ashram. And then to be told that I was ignoring my step-daughter... well, maybe an ashram isn’t far enough.

In the end you have to surrender to step-life.

You can ask your husband to help you meet all the demands, and you can quietly suggest to him that he has placed a big burden on you, so it would be nice not to be criticized, subverted and blamed.

But in the end, you yourself have to be as fair as possible, keep a sense of humor, and speak whenever possible from your heart.

My family claims I repeat Eddie Murphy’s mantra under my breath: “Keep it together, keep it together.”

And I’m going to say it again right now because we are debating whose dog made on the carpet — and who is going to clean it up.