an affair is absolutely a signal that something is amiss in the relationship. And it's quite simply wrong. Honor the vows you made, and if you can't, seek help or get out. Come on! CM

As someone who was cheated on and the reason for my divorce, I do not completely agree. An affair, at the root, really is not about the marriage. It is a person filling a deeper spiritual need and stopping important spiritual growth through an unhealthy and self-sabotaging behavior. Instead of affairs, some people drink too much, gamble too much, play video games too much, spend too much, take too many drugs, etc. But, we do not usually blame those behaviors on a marriage, as we see them as deep personal issues the individual needs to resolve and to learn to use other healthier means to successfully cope with their lives, including their marriages. To be honest, I am really tired of the books and articles title "How to affair proof your marriage." They should really be "How to affair proof yourself," causing each person to dig deeper into themselves as to how they approach relationships and their role in not receiving what they want and need in a relationship, which is often their inability to have a conscious dialogue with their partner about what is truly important to them. Having an affair is a person's easy way out of not dealing with the core of their personal issues with relationships and learning to speak and follow-through with their own truth, even if that truth is to end the relationship. Even though I did not ask for the drama, the other person and the pain that he brought into my life, I have taken 100% responsibility for working through it, discovering patterns of my own behavior that are disempowering and releasing them, and creating a life more fulfilling and fun than I could have imagined. I do agree, however, that it can be immature for someone, like my husband who stated that he would have left instantly if I had an affair, to instantly give up on the relationship without discussion about it. I only tried to work things through, even though I knew it was going to eventually be over, because I wanted to leave the relationship knowing that I did what I could for myself to make sure that I was making the best decision. And, boy did I. I just hope more women who are cheated on know that it really is not about them and the marriage, because sometimes people cheat even in what most would consider great marriages (I know of a few). And, it really is an amazing chance to dig deeper about ourselves, even if he doesn't, and come out the other end more empowered, creative, and dynamic because of it.

Sometimes affairs are not about issues in the marriage. They are clearly about egos.. Some people can just never be monogamist. (hope I spelled that right) If you think that's the kind of spouse you have; you must ask yourself if this is the kind of marriage you can live with. If the marriage means more then what some consider your dignity. Figure out a way to stay in the marriage. Otherwise, plot your exit and get out. Some things never change. My first husband just loved women.. Even in his early sixties he is still looking. Glad I gave him up a long time ago. However, there are those who will choose to stay. Be honest and clear with yourself and then do whats best for you. Dorothy from grammology remember to call garm www.grammology.com