According to domaintools.com there are 78 million registered dot-coms on the Internet. That's one way for companies and people to stake their claims. Others have Facebook or MySpace.

How else do people stake claims? During the settling of the West, they could claim large pieces of land by:

● Arriving in Oregon in the 1840s, where a married couple could get 640 acres of land, at no charge, as long as they settled there and improved it.

● Settling on and improving 160 acres in places like Minnesota, North and South Dakota, Nebraska, and Kansas under the Homestead Act of 1862.

● Scrambling from a starting line to claim a piece of farmland or town lots during the Oklahoma Land Rush of 1889.

Staking a claim, whether virtual or real, is part of our human nature. During divorce, the rush to get a property settlement and a distribution of assets is a painful negotiation. I suppose on some gross level, even children may be treated like part of the distribution of assets.

The push really comes to shove on things like holidays and vacations. Which parent will get the child or children on any given holiday? That decisions has lasting implications.

During my marriage we traveled a lot. We spent summers on Fire Island, sometimes for a month or more. Christmas was always in Jamaica - again sometimes for several weeks.

After we separated, negotiations between me and my ex were hourly, daily, weekly, but especially celebration specific. These haggling sessions were volatile and frustrating. Every hour I spent away from my kids felt like part of me was being ripped out.

But, over time, things have smoothed out. Both of us have established new traditions, values and ways of paying for things. It helps that most of the specifics were spelled out in our divorce agreement, but areas of interpretation are bound to arise.

I'm not a huge fan of any of the big four holidays: Thanksgiving, Christmas/Hanukah, Easter/Passover, and birthdays. But my children love these holidays, and because of that I work hard to make them special.

The Thanksgiving vacation week was put in my lap. And even though my natural tendencies as an aspiring vegetarian don't lead me to long for roast turkey and stuffing (I once made tofu-turkey for the family and have yet to live it down), I have to remember, it's not about the food, except there has to be a turkey.

My kids and I head north to New Hampshire every year to celebrate with the extended family at my brother's house. This new tradition has become one holiday cornerstone for the kids.

It's loud and chaotic. Our politics are as varied as the red and blue states and we spend hours stranded in traffic, for just a few days of family time.

The Christmas trip to Jamaica fell to my husband.  I find myself more than a little jealous of that trip to visit old friends in an idyllic setting on the beach.

But these holidays have been set up in ways that can't and won't vary.  Every year, I ask, "How would it be if I can down to Jamaica for part of the holiday," and every year the answer is the same: "Please don't."

Who knew my husband could claim a whole country for two weeks of the year?

But, that's the point. You can.

We claim all kinds of intangible things when we divorce: memories, holidays, back-to-school traditions, college visits, nighttime tuck-ins, homework sessions. I found it was important to make myself a little pushy, without feeling I had to win, to make sure I claimed my fair share of the children's good times.

When you think about it, it's like dividing up a delicious, warm pie. There should be enough to go around.

To my friends who are afraid to get in there and insist on holiday time with the kids, I just want to say, it's important to do it. It's worth it.

Do it.

Even if it means insisting again and again on some form of equanimity, even if it's qualitative instead of quantitative, cold instead of hot, family instead of fun.

Claiming a little piece of the annual holiday pie is what the kids will remember. I'm holding tight to my claim on Thanksgiving with the kids, at least until I'm 80.

And as it is with most things, it's not what you've got, it's what you do with it.

Like putting some à la mode on your slice of the pie!