Okay, I know by the time you read this the holidays per se will be over. But the season is on us (department stores promising "super sale" nirvana, Christmas ads that have been running since Halloween, my futile attempt to starve myself into my "skinny" black mini as opposed to surrendering to the baby doll pouf) and as a menopausal, divorced, single mommy I feel compelled to address this issue of "Gratitude" once and for all.

By the way — is there anything LESS attractive than a woman pushing 50 flouncing around in a dress that was clearly designed for a three-year-old Amish girl? I don't think so. But I digress...

Now I've heard that keeping a Gratitude Journal can actually, medically, empirically be good for your health. That people who know a hell of a lot more than I do (like, say, graduate students) have spent years researching this stuff and these informed people, some would say EXPERTS — claim that writing down what you're thankful for can CHEMICALLY CHANGE your body. Which is better than any diet, or plastic surgery, or muumuu. Now, personally, the thought of keeping a daily journal gives me hives, it's so stressful.

The idea of having to force myself to think about being thankful instead of hurling spiteful invective at my ex-husband seems wildly overrated. But in the spirit of thanksgiving and the holidays and new beginnings, I'm willing to give it a try. Plus my dishwasher is filled with grey, tepid water and I'm waiting for the handyman (such an oxymoron, that one) who will probably be at least five hours, if not weeks, late. So, in no particular order, here the hell goes.

1. I am thankful for my children, Roo and Mr. Handsome. (This goes without saying.) I know some people who maybe aren't always so thankful for their kids, though they would never say it out loud, so I am thankful I am not one of them. I am thankful for my kids' health and their curly hair and the fact that they don't always wake me up at 4:30 in the morning, only two or three times a week. I am very thankful for that.
2. I am thankful for the fact that even though my children DO wake me up at four thirty in the morning two or three times a week, I am genetically blessed to the extent that I don't have heinous bags under my eyes.
3. I am thankful for Botox just in case the bags do get heinous.
4. I am thankful that my ex-husband had the good sense to leave his secret cheaters cell phone in a place where I would find it sooner rather than later.
5. I am thankful (let's just get this petty thought out of the way right now) that my ex-husband's girlfriend has a face like a poodle.
6. I am thankful that my children don't have to be around his nasty, cheating self seven days a week.
7. I am thankful that my nasty, cheating ex-husband is a good father (in as much as a cheater can be a good father) and that he loves those boys more than life itself, certainly more than he ever loved me and that he will take them to Disneyland when I can't because I am on strike and therefore must boycott the evil empire.
8. I am thankful for ice cream.
9. I am thankful for the California sunsets. No, seriously. I am thankful for the California smog-induced sunsets, not only because they are spectacularly, poisonously, arrogantly beautiful, but because they signify the end of another day that I have managed to get through with a certain amount of grace and dignity.
10. I am thankful for ice cream. (It bears repeating.)
11. I am thankful for my breasts that are not yet sitting on my knees.
12. I am thankful for any man who throws a catcall my way, after years of wanting to physically harm every construction worker who did so.
13. I am thankful for construction workers, not only because they represent the metaphor of building up something that is broken but because I am going to be doing an ill-advised re-model on my house and I know how badly I will need them.
14. I am thankful for SPANX.
15. I am thankful for my friends who have seen me through the worst of times and who often give lousy advice but do so with such refreshing energy that you kind of have to believe them.
16. I am more thankful for my friends who told me about SPANX.
17. I am especially thankful to Annabelle who is my partner in crime and who makes party planning tolerable and whose inflata-breasts mean I actually have some semblance of a savings account.
18. I am thankful to my parents for not saying "I told you so" about Jeffrey.
19. I am thankful that my parents live three thousand miles away so that when they want to say, "I told you so" about Jeffrey it requires more effort than they are able to muster.
20. I am thankful for concealer.
21. I am thankful for the fact that Jeffrey, mean-spirited as he is, has yet to tell anyone how I look WITHOUT concealer.
22. I am thankful for Petunia, our pot-bellied pig who, if she rises to expectations, will outlive all of us.
23. I am thankful that Raoul, the parrot, didn't go all territorial and attack Petunia when we brought her home.
24. I am thankful that my handyman, Raoul, doesn't realize my kids named their parrot after him because, like Raoul the parrot, he never has an original thought but despite that apparent flaw, he never shuts up. I am especially thankful for that because my dishwasher is still filled with grey, tepid water and if he ever finds that out, he may never appear in my kitchen again.
25. I am thankful that Raoul, when he does appear in my kitchen, is easy on the eyes.
26. I am thankful for the fact that no one has yet (to my face) called me a crazy, old bag for living with kids and pigs and parrots.
27. I am thankful for my ob-gyn who makes me feel good about my flabby body because it is a "thing of functional beauty."
28. I am thankful to Willa, the three-armed cartoon girl, for having an enviable "screw you" attitude and, not incidentally, killer abs.
29. I am thankful for estrogen cream.
30. I am thankful for the fact that I am at the beginning of something.
31. I am thankful that the end wasn't as brutal as I thought it would be, considering.
32. I am thankful for the fact that I still have a libido after Jeffrey.
33. I am thankful for that hot Dad who I'm pretty sure was flirting with me.
34. I am thankful for the perfect-fitting pair of jeans, which may seem petty, but trust me, you are too.
35. With a few exceptions, I am thankful for the penis.
36. I am thankful for those who care what the world will be like when we are gone and our children are left to pick up the pieces.
37. I am thankful for that because I should be more like those people.
38. I am thankful for toenail polish because I'm not such a big fan of feet.
39. I'm thankful for cellulite (when it's not on me.)
40. I am thankful for the fact that I'm not usually as shallow as I seem.
41. I am thankful for the day Roo said, "Your eyes are like beautiful donuts."
42. I am thankful that Mr. Handsome still has a greater interest in Chewbacca than any of the girls in his class.
43. I am thankful that my sister didn't get pregnant by that bus driver she was fucking because she's already made it clear that any kids she has are being funded out of my pocket book.
44. I am thankful that at least one of my relatives (and that would be my sister) is a naïve innocent who believes in the beauty of human kind.
45. I am thankful for peace.
46. And for quiet.
47. I am thankful that my house is full of cacophonous, kid-induced, noise.
48. I am thankful that my parents named me "Esme," after a plain spoken J.D. Salinger character that no one really knows anymore which is good, because he was not always so great to his women and I have no bloody intention of living out that legacy.
49. I am thankful for the fact that until I was in high school, I never knew Esme was an orphan, which I now think was very peculiar, on my parents' part.
50. I am thankful for the engagement ring Jeffrey bought me, which I thought was way too extravagant at the time and which I now realize has infinite "fuck you" possibilities.
51. I am thankful for books and poetry and sadly, for People magazine.
52. I am thankful for the future, whatever that may be.
53. I am thankful for snacks.
54. I am thankful for sex.
55. I am thankful for snacks after sex.
56. I am thankful for whatever the future will bring, good or bad, happy or not, tempestuous or calm, because it will mean I still can feel things, and however difficult that may be, it will mean I am alive.
57. I am thankful for back-up singers.
58. I am thankful for roller skates! (Weird, huh?)
59. (I am thankful that I rarely use exclamation points.)
60. And I am thankful that unbelievably, miraculously, THANKFULLY, Raoul the handyman is at my door and is therefore not only going to fix my pathetic dishwasher, but without knowing it, is saving me from my overly thankful self.
61. P.S. Before I forget – I AM ALWAYS THANKFUL FOR CHOCOLATE.
62. And finally, I am thankful that you give a crap - or at least you did before reading this. (Try doing a gratitude journal, I know you want to.) Because no matter how cynical the world becomes, deep down we all still care a little. Except about Jeffrey. Of course, he should die in a fire. (Just kidding. Sorta.)