Getting a settlement is handy. Since Jake owns a company, since the company is lucrative, since we were married for 10 years, and since he's not an asshole, mine is a decent one. More than decent, really. Because giving me what we determined is "my share" all at once would effectively close his company down, our arrangement is spread over the next five years.

This means that I can afford to stay in San Francisco. This means that I have some money to invest against the day the payments stop. This means I don't have to panic about money for the next little bit.

This also means that he and I are tied for the next five years.

I didn't want any money from him when we split. It felt wrong, somehow. It felt icky. I didn't want the tie. I'm rational enough to take it, but we're still in a relationship this way. This necessitates communication. There's a monthly reminder. It's a connection I don't like having.

Sometimes I wonder if the complete and absolute freedom would be worth it. But this money means that I am having a far, far, far easier time of it than other women in the same situation. With all I have to worry about, paying my bills is not, for the moment, one of them. So I feel enormously guilty for the bad feelings I have.

How do I not feel guilty for resenting this? How do I accept this help while hating the ties it makes and keeps?

I have trouble understanding how the law and relationships mix. In Quebec (my home province), couples form and dissolve, most often without a marriage to seal the deal. Common-law relationships are the way to go in La Belle Province.

I asked a friend of mine from Nevada about her divorce. "You have to go to court and the judge tells you whether you can divorce or not."

Wait a second. A judge, someone who has no idea who you are, what your troubles are or who your partner is, decides whether you have to continue a marriage you don't want to? This makes no sense to me.

Dividing assets, I understand. Someone has to decide who gets the car or the kitchen table, and it's tough to make decisions like that when you're angry.

Child custody, I get. It's important that children stay where they want to and where they need to be with a person that can take care of them properly. And in separations, kids are often jammed in the middle between two parents who fight over custody like vicious dogs.

But some person who doesn't know you should have no right to decide who you have to live with and be joined to. The law and relationships don't mix.

A judge isn't going to be able to make your partner be nicer to you. A court of law can't make you feel whole or repair hurt feelings. It makes no sense to force a person who doesn't want to be with someone else to continue a farce.

I have no idea if the law in Quebec says the same — that a judge must approve the breakup. Perhaps that's the rule, and if so, it's no wonder why people simply don't get married. You can't force love. Paper doesn't make it happen.

If you want out, you should have the right to get out. Period. And if you want someone to stay, and they don't want to, then you have no right to force them to remain in a place they don't want to be.

I have been holding back on showing everyone this, mostly because I used to be so thoroughly disgusted and humiliated by it. But today, I looked at it, and actually laughed.

That's when I decided to share it. I mean, who here doesn't need a good laugh, right? Here are the highlights:

He created this in October of 2006. I gave birth to our son in December of 2006. Nice guy, huh?

Okay, on with the laughs. For starters, I can't help but find it utterly hysterical, and somewhat pathetic that he chose the name Sexybeast0007. He could have done without the sexy, I will agree with him on the beast part, though. Next, he claims to be 39, yet he was 41 at the time; but then under the question "The best or worst lie I've ever told" he writes: I never lie.

Laugh on.

The fact that he says that he's single, and has brown hair, is notable, too, especially since he's bald — totally bald. Maybe his hair used to be brown? I guess that's up to his "lucky lady" to figure out.

The fact that he fails to mention that he has two children is disgusting.

Under "Why you should get to know me," you will truly understand, once and for all, what a narcissist this man is. In a paragraph of 30 words or less, I think he calls himself sexy and successful at least three times.

If after you've read all of this, and you've decided you have to date him, but you're upset because he calls himself "picky but worth it," have no fear: it appears that he doesn't have any real requirements for a woman...she just has to be between 22 and 35.

What a loser.

I'm bringing this to court with me. (I have the old version, where his picture was still up.) Mostly to prove that he considers himself to be a successful music and film agent, but also because he admits to using recreational drugs.

Yup, sometimes Levi is a giant moron. Laugh on.

That seems to be what it's going to be for awhile. It sucks, to go to bat with someone who knows you so well. Someone you've shared your deepest self with, someone who really knows how to push your buttons.

Levi knows me better than most people know me. He knows how I feel about arguments, knows that usually I will avoid them at all costs. I'm the kind of person who can't deal with yelling. I don't know why, but whenever someone starts to raise their voice to me, I just shut down. I can't comprehend what they're saying; it's like I go into "safe" mode. Yelling scares me, so I try to avoid it. Which is why, I think, he's doing so much of it lately.

He also knows how much I love my son. My son, I've said, "is my heart walking around outside of my body." He knows that his threats of taking him away from me, stealing him away from me, are crushing to me.

He also knows that I am inherently a good person (why not toot my own horn here?) and will generally forgive quite easily. I honestly think that it's this knowledge that makes him feel so free to be so selfish. The knowledge that one day, I will probably forgive him, and then he gets what he wants. Levi is the kind of guy that always has his cake and eats it too.

He left me a message earlier. Today's threat was this: "If you continue to take me to court, and I'm ordered to pay, that's all I'll ever do. I'll only pay. I'll never have anything to do with him, EVER."

He's said this before, and it used to really upset me. It doesn't anymore. I've come to the conclusion that his relationship, or lack thereof, with Adrian, is up to him. It's not on me to facilitate that. Do you think I'm right?

I am stuck. I'm scared, stuck. I feel like one of the squirrels in the middle of the highway staring down a car, trying to figure out which way to go; only to remain there frozen with fear praying to God this giant machine doesn't run over me.

Yeah, Levi found out about court. That was fast.

He called me once, and I did answer. He screamed a slew of threats at me. Threats like, "I'm just going to take him from you" and, "You don't even know what you're getting into, you really f%%^ed up this time!"

I hung up on him.

Then his other ex wife (see "My Ex's (Invasive and Obnoxious) Ex"), starts sending me emails on the subject.

I'm not even going to pay any mind to her bullshit.

Then I got an email from Levi.

It goes like this:

"It didn't have to be this way. This time you will truly have no one to blame but yourself.

See you on the other side......."

I'm not really sure how to interpret that. He'll see me on the other side of what, exactly?

Again, I'm not responding.

This is usually the point where I back down, and now I'm remembering why. This is awful. The way these people treat me is totally inhumane, uncalled for and unforgivable. The way they treat my son is even worse.

So, I won't back down, today. I will take this one day at a time, and hopefully, I will see it through.

I went to family court a few days ago and filed a petition for child support. I think they recognize me now, and it's almost embarrassing at this point.  I keep thinking that they're thinking, 'Okay, is she really going to do it this time?'

I have an overwhelming urge to explain to them why it is that I keep backing out.  But I don't. I'm sure they don't care, and I'm sure they see this all the time.

The papers are easy. It's two pages of fill in the blanks: my name, his name, our addresses and Social Security numbers, Adrian's name and birthday, and that's it.

The last page is labeled "Court Information," and it asks pretty much the same questions as the prior two pages, except that it also asks, height, weight, eye and hair color.  I must admit that writing "bald" for Levi's hair color gave me a little laugh.

I just can't believe it's come down to this. I really can't. I mean, I know this sounds nuts, what with all of the other crap that he's pulled, but I somehow still can't get it into my head that Levi is this much of an asshole.

I still can't believe that he doesn't care. But his actions have proven it. This behavior that he's been exhibiting over the last two years is not the Levi that I know, or rather, knew.

This is not somebody I would have ever associated with. I still can't believe that this is the new Levi. I sometimes wonder what exactly is going on in that head of his.

In any case, the papers are filed. I'm more nervous now than I was when I was filing them. I'm sure that he'll receive them in the mail within the next few days, and then, once again, all hell will break loose. I'm going to try my best to be prepared and not to let it affect me this time. 

I am taking Levi back to court for child support. It's been quite awhile since I've talked about this, and truth be told, its been quite awhile since I've felt anywhere near strong enough to deal with this again.

Adrian is now a year and a half old, and Levi has paid practically nothing. I have to say practically nothing because he did send me that two hundred dollars, remember?

Not only has he not contributed financially, he hasn't bought Adrian anything. No clothes, no toys, diapers, car seats, cribs, NOTHING.

I was pursuing him for child support before, but I gave up when he and his family started, and continued, threatening me. Threats like, "I'm going to take him from you." Or, "I'll drag this out so long in court that it will make you crazy." Or, my personal favorite, "We're a very well connected family; keep it up, and you'll wind up in jail wishing you were dead." Right, umm..

Did I just step into an episode of the Sopranos? These people are crazy. I was still far too emotionally involved to realize that before. Now, though, that I'm a year and a half removed from the madness, I can see it for what it is.

The simple fact of the matter is this: I am right, and he (they) are wrong.

So, I'm going today to file the papers.

I know this isn't going to be easy. This isn't your classic run of the mill child support case. Levi makes a decent living, and his parents help him hide it.
He's driving a Land Rover, talking on a cell phone, sitting outside of a coffee shop, playing on his laptop — yet, he claims to be broke and homeless.

It's going to be my job, in court, to prove that he is not broke and homeless, that he does in fact make quite a bit of money, and that his parents are hiding it for him.

I'm nervous to get back into this, but I feel stronger than I did before.

I always liked my maiden name. It's sassy. It's memorable. It's fun to say and festive to spell. Jake's last name, not so sassy. Not so festive. Kind of an old-lady-teacher name, actually. Not horrible, just ... clumsy. I wasn't a fan. But I got married at 22 and didn't care back then.

Now that we're divorcing, I'm taking my name back. And no other part of this divorce process has been as tedious.

This in-between stage I'm in, it's confusing. We're not legally divorced yet, so my name isn't legally changed. I use my maiden name for writing, my Web site, my business cards — everywhere I can get away with it. But my bank account, my ID — they're all still under my married name. My colleagues and students know me as my maiden name, but I am paid under my married name. Human Resources is constantly perplexed.

I get confused, sometimes, trying to remember who knows me as what. I don't know which name to cite at the club door or the vet's office. I had to explain on all my rental applications that I'm legally one name, but to ask for a different one when verifying my employment. When Mike flew me out for a wedding, he had to get my ticket under my married name, which felt vaguely uncomfortable and definitely strange.

I carry a list of all the institutions and publications and departments I will have to contact and fax and possibly visit in person to change my name once I am legally able to do so. There are a lot of them, but finally closing this process will be fabulous.

Meanwhile, I have another couple of months to live in this strange little half-state.

I guess it's been a long time in coming, or maybe it hasn't been when compared to some others; but the divorce is finally under way. At one of my appointments with my therapist, he suggested doing the divorce myself. There are books available that include all of the instructions and forms, and this was really how The Dick wanted it to be — no attorneys, no arbitration, no trial.

So I told him about this book, and he bought it. When he came to town, we sat down and filled out all the forms. It wasn't too complicated, although there were several things to be filled out. There was the actual divorce paperwork; then the marital separation agreement and the child custody arrangement had to be completed. Since we had agreed on everything, these were fairly easy, as well.

Once everything was done, the papers had to be notarized and then filed with the court. As this is an uncontested divorce, it could be finalized in as little as 30 days. I expect it to take longer, but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than using an attorney, and we were able to do this together and remain amicable throughout the entire process.

In fact, after filing the papers at the courthouse, we actually went and had lunch, and while he was in town, he stayed at the house. He will always be part of my life, and I wouldn't want it any other way. But it does feel good to finally have some closure to the marriage.