My mom was a little like your parents. When I got 98 we looked at what I got wrong so that I knew it for next time. But with that philosophy I did graduate first in my high school class, get through university and law school at a time where there were almost no women lawyers. My job while stressful is really the only thing in my life that gives me positive feed back 40 years later. And while my mom did this she was a happly laughing person who would give anyone the shirt of her back. If she had only half a glass of milk she would have shared it with her neighbours leaving herself with a little drop. She has been dead for some time but when ever I meet someone who might have known her and ask they say "Oh Elsie" with a warm smile and a nice story about her. How she always went the extra mile. . My husband's philosophy was "good enough for government work" He had amazing academic ability and attended a school for gifted children. He never took a note or bothered to do readings or homework. He would read the text book the night before class. He was amused by and my mom's perfectionism. He has quite a successful career and is well off. People rarely remember him, those who went to school with him have no memory of him. Those from the business world who know him call him "Mack the Knfe' He is described as cagey and a person who always had the upper hand. His attitude to any interaction is that he would give 50% of his effort and expect to get back 150%. My mother gave 200% on everything. When our children or I were excited about something and throwing ourself into it he would roll his eyes or make a remark like "oh whatever' as if we were inferior for him for wanting to do it. He referred with contempt to "do-gooders' -- people who tried to contribute more than required. People who got involved in organizations were "joiners" another lowly class. People who had involved hobbies were "obsessed" Children who studied hard at school were "average' or "norms' the parents of athletes a scholars were "pushy" People who have not seen me since childhoold wonder what happened to me. What happened to my self esteem. A friend who has known me for the last 20 years and met with old friends from childhood said she was surprised at the childhood I led. That I was a child with more self esteem and more outgoing and more involved then she has known me. My sons are brighter than me and more creative then their father. They could do anything. But they lack self esteem. They are afraid to put an effort into anything. Afraid of being exploirted or laughed at. They don't want to be a do gooder or a joiner or a norm or an obsesser. They don't anyone to think that they have been "pushed" Although they are starting to find their way in their mid twenties. I have come to the conclusion that urging people to be the best they can is not necessarily the most negative thing one can do.