Who do you blame when a husband cheats on his wife?

Posted Monday, September 15, 2008 - 12:42pm
Cathy Meyer's picture

Infidelity: A Type of Domestic Abuse

Posted to Resource Articles by Cathy Meyer on Mon, 01/05/2009 - 10:14am

When my friend Kate finally collected enough courage to end her 12-year marriage to Will, she was suffering all the symptoms of a victim of domestic abuse. She had panic attacks, was in a state of depression, her self-esteem was in the gutter, and her sense of reality was distorted.

In the beginning, Kate would have scoffed at the idea that she had been a victim of domestic abuse. After all, Will “had only cheated” on her. He had not laid a hand on her, yet he had managed to undermine and diminish her through his long-time affair with an old high school girlfriend.

Kate had done what many victims of infidelity do. She failed to realize that in trying to save her marriage, she had destroyed herself by not recognizing that she was as emotionally vulnerable as any abuse victim.

Why do I believe that infidelity is a form of domestic abuse? Because infidelity can be as devastating as a physical attack. Infidelity makes a spouse humiliated, hurt, and helpless. Ultimately, it is experienced as a grave loss, the death of trust. When a husband cheats, he directly attacks his wife’s sense of worth.

In coaching women who are going through divorce due to a husband’s infidelity, I’ve found there to be common characteristics with victims of domestic abuse:

• Both can become an ongoing aspect of marriage. There is a recurring cycle in which the abusive or cheating husband is repentant and the marital relationship functions well. Then there is another episode of abuse or infidelity.

• The husbands may show brief periods of guilt or remorse, but usually seem insensitive to the pain they have caused. Most will not accept responsibility for the suffering they cause.

read more »

I'm probably a really big idiot. You know how some women are completely blindsided when they find out their husbands are cheating? They never saw the signs and then one day something abruptly happens and husband's escapades are revealed while the wife stands there befuddled and betrayed.

I'm in a different situation: The signs are there that my husband may be straying — or thinking of straying — but I can't believe that it's actually happening. I just think I'm paranoid or hyper-vigilant. You tell me if this sounds off to you.

I planned a trip a couple of hours away for the kids and me to go visit some friends for two days while my husband stayed home. (He had to work.) Our babysitter (an adult woman) asked me what night I was leaving, and I told her Wednesday. She then turns to my husband and asks if she can swing by Wednesday night so he can help her with her college homework. He says sure, and I start to think about how the situation could be potentially inappropriate but then I bury the feeling because, after all, we're trying to save our marriage.

Halfway through the week I get a text from our sitter. Have I left yet? I reply that we hadn't left yet, and the unease comes back. I bury it again because, after all, why would my husband cheat on me when he's begged me to stay?

The kids and I wind up changing our plans to leave a day later because of the weather, which means I would be home for the homework session. An hour or two before our sitter is supposed to come over, my husband nonchalantly mentions that she cancelled because she figured her homework out all by herself. I raise my eyebrow, he explodes at me and says I don't trust him, and it all turns into a fight where I wind up apologizing.

read more »

Ynetnews.com did not specify whether the man wore boxers or briefs — but it did indicate that said underwear is the lead evidence in a rabbinical court divorce case. Yep, underwear.

A suspicious Israeli wife snagged her husband’s underwear shortly after he disrobed and brought them to a forensics lab to be tested for a “third party’s” DNA. Turns out, she was right.

The woman also brought a saliva sample of her own and two of her husband’s cigarette butts. (Sidenote: Why do cigarettes seem to be at the center of multiple divorce cases?) Two samples were found: a man’s, which matched the DNA on the husband’s butts, and a female’s — which did not match the wife’s saliva sample.

DNA first surfaced in divorce court as evidence in a 2000 Florida case, when a West Palm Beach woman took the bed linens from her Vermont vacation home to a lab for testing.

The rabbinical court has taken the current evidence into review; apparently, there’s serious money at stake. Too bad all that cash comes down to Fruit of the Loom.

Here is a role a South Korean actress didn’t want to play. In a real-life drama, Ok So-ri was handed a suspended jail term for having an affair, which is against the law in South Korea. It was a high profile case that tested the decades-old law prohibiting extramarital affairs and naturally gave the tabloids a tantalizing tale to keep readers mesmerized for months.

A year ago, Ok acknowledged during a news conference that she had had an affair with an opera singer for a few months in 2006. She stressed the affair was a result of her loveless marriage to actor Park Chul, who was a friend of the singer.

Naturally, Ok was not okay with the country's law — nor were others. She fought back, maintaining that the law was unconstitutional and an invasion of privacy. However, the conservative country’s court upheld the ban, which is part of South Korea’s 55-year-old criminal code.

Technically, Ok could have faced a prison sentence of up to two years, but few do serve time. As the Seoul newspapers reported, supporters of the adultery ban say it promotes monogamy and keeps families intact. Opponents argue the law violates privacy.

Complaints have been filed with the Constitutional Court three times — in 1990, 1993 and 2001 — to abolish the law, but the court has upheld it every time. While women's rights group were the ban's biggest supporters in the past when the law was meant to keep philandering husbands in line, in recent years some husbands have begun pressing adultery charges on their unfaithful wives.

Feminism and economic independence means that women do not have to put up with bad behavior. However, better to get divorced than have an affair.

read more »

Have you ever wondered how difficult it must be for Jennifer Aniston to see Angelina Jolie portrayed as a model mother on magazine covers? To her credit, Aniston, who divorced Brad Pitt after he started an affair with Jolie while filming Mr. & Mrs. Smith, has stayed mum about their relationship. She did slip once when she mentioned how Pitt and Jolie were insensitive for portraying a 50's family scene in W Magazine when the wounds of her break-up were still so raw.

But she didn't unleash — except to girlfriends like Courteney Cox — her feelings about the woman who seduced her husband. Until now. She is promoting her Christmas movie, Marley & Me, and it seemed the right time to unload. (The title of her next film, He’s Just Not That Into You, might be too close to home.)

In the December issue of Vogue magazine, Aniston commented on her annoyance at Jolie for recounting a detailed timeline of how she fell in love with Pitt.

"There was stuff printed there that was definitely from a time when I was unaware that it was happening," said Aniston, who could have benefiting from reading our story on How to Catch a Cheating Husband.

"I felt those details were a little inappropriate to discuss,” Aniston said. “That stuff about how she couldn't wait to get to work every day? That was really uncool."

Yet she seems to have less icy feelings toward her ex, Brad Pitt, who was equally responsible for the affair. After all, it takes two to do a tantric tango.

"[We've exchanged] a few very kind hellos ... and congratulations on your babies," she said.

read more »

This story involves an old dog, and one new trick.

On Monday, a court in Naples was supposed to hear a plea for the dissolution of a marriage of 19 years. The husband had been a widower when they met. He hired the woman to pick potatoes on his farm. What could be more romantic?

They married, even though he was 30 years older, and worked together, earning enough money to build a deluxe hotel in Barano d’Ischia, a popular mountain town above Maronti Beach. Barano, population 10,000, is on the island of Ischia, just outside the Bay of Naples. That hotel was so successful they eventually had a small chain of hotels.

For the last week or so, leading up to the court hearing, the case has been the talk of Barano.

Why?

Because the man asking for a divorce is 91 years old. And although the wife, 60, agreed to give him a divorce, she was unhappy about her settlement, saying that she wouldn’t have enough to eat, and that she had been evicted from their home. In explaining why she deserved more of his social security money, as well as the house, she countersued, saying that he had a lover. (“Hai un’amante.”)

That’s when things got nasty. He counter-complained: She was the one who had taken a lover.

The case was due in court on Monday, but the 91 year old sent in a note saying he was sick. So the court adjourned the case until March.

That was certainly not going to stop Italian newspapers, blogs, and television stations from mulling over the meaning of the case. One TV crew went to Barano to get some local reactions. I don’t speak Italian, but it’s worth watching the video just to see the man at the end. His gestures can only mean, “I just hope I can do that when I’m 91.”

read more »

Some call it karma or comeuppence,  or stars colliding but not in your favor: Sienna Miller's romance with "Brothers and Sisters" star Balthazar Getty now seems over.  Sources say that Getty was stalling getting the divorce he had promised, and now the relationship is over.

As we reported, Miller was caught canoodling with the very married Getty this summer. The affair sparked a lot of criticism since Getty has a wife and four children, one just a baby.

Although his representative released the standard defensive, that the actor had had problems in his relationship before this happened and he and his wife were in the midst of separating, the news came a shock to his wife, Rosetta.

In the past four months, Rosetta has played it smart by building her own life away from her husband but still welcoming him to share the children's birthdays and school events. This allowed him to see what he was missing while the novelty of something new perhaps wore off with the ho-hum of everyday life. Plus, it's hard to be involved in a relationship that so many disapprove of, something the couple faced on a daily basis. Getty complained about the intrusiveness of the press, calling it "dangerous."

Last weekend, Miller acknowledged to Us Magazine that it's "nice not to have a relationship that the press constantly want to scrutinize."

Well Sienna, the press wouldn't be scrutinizing it as much if you were not with a married man.

read more »
Jill Brooke's picture

How to Catch a Cheating Husband

Posted to Resource Articles by Jill Brooke on Fri, 11/07/2008 - 9:52am

Is hubby suddenly logging on to classmates.com and talking about the good old days when he was a high school basketball star? Perhaps he’s taking up running, or he’s running to the gym to work on his abs and pecs?

Is he donning black leather jackets instead of Brooks Brothers? Is he spending more time in the bathroom than you do, and using more products?

Hmmm. He may be going through a mid-life crisis, but more likely he's doing the hanky panky with someone else.

The American psychic Edward Cayce said that intuition is knowledge from an unknown source that is usually true. As we all know, a woman's intuition is usually spot-on — especially when it comes to whether her guy is straying. However, the desire to avoid divorce puts us in a state of denial.

But, girlfriends, better to know the truth. That way you can come from a position of power in confronting the problem and solving it. With your interests in mind, we asked Danine Manette, the author of Ultimate Betrayal: Recognizing, Uncovering and Dealing with Infidelity, what 15 signs to look for if you suspect your mate is making out with someone else.

1. Do his friends' wives give you a pitiful, sympathetic look without saying anything?

2. Does he work more overtime, but still never have any money?

3. Does your mate have some new activity that occurs on the same night every week, and to which you are not invited?

4. Does he answer you promptly when you ask where he's been or does he hesitate before replying?

5. Has he suddenly begun carrying gum or breath mints?

6. Is he experiencing a sudden unexplained interest in changing his hairstyle and general appearance?

7. Has he started leaving his cell phone in his car at night, “to charge”?

read more »
Maureen Dempsey's picture

Genders Divided on Emotional Infidelity

Posted to Relevant News by Maureen Dempsey on Mon, 11/03/2008 - 1:14pm

We all know that physical infidelity is wrong. Whether you blame it on genetics or lack of control, both men and women agree that having sex outside the marriage isn't okay.

Emotional infidelity, however, is another matter. According to ScienceDaily.com, researchers in Ireland have found a difference of opinion when it comes to Internet flirtation and cheating.

According to the study, men perceived physical infidelity as more upsetting, while women were more upset by emotional infidelity.

What, you may ask, is emotional infidelity? Any online relationships or acts, including cybersex. It may be easier than you think to get wrapped up in a virtual love affair.

Can't say the results are too surprising, but an interesting confirmation of what we already suspected. How many wives are or have been suspicious of their husbands' online activity? Turns out, he doesn't think he's doing anything wrong. Perhaps those husbands should be more careful where they point and click.

Syndicate content